Confidence from the Ground Up

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98: Coparenting with a Toxic Ex with Eliana

by Karleigh Saunders
April 2nd 2021

Hey boo and welcome to another episode of the Confidence in the ground up podcast. I'm your host Carly Saunders and I am your confidence and abuse recovery coach. I specialize in helping you heal from abusive relationships by breaking trauma bonds, ending the self gaslighting cycle and building the skill of confidence. You can finally step into the life of independence and freedom that you deserve. Welcome. And I'm so flipping stoked that you are here today's episode. I am going to have the wonderful Eliana on the podcast. So this, oh my goodness! So our actual first kind of interaction um was on the pre podcast chat because I had found her instagram and automatically I was like, oh my gosh, I love this girl, I love her energy. I need her on my podcast. So we talked for a little bit and then we hopped on zoom for a pre podcast chat because I like to get a feel for the energy of the person.

I am very protective of you my dear listener. I am very protective of the energy of this podcast And I only want people on that share in that energy and sharing that drive And y'all the moment we hopped on this pre podcast chat, it was everything. We, we hit it off right away and we started chatting and even during this interview we got sidetracked so many times and we had to bring it back in. But let me tell you because of that chemistry because of that really great conversation that we had there is so much good in vote in today's podcast. Eliana is about to get real with what it means to co parent with a toxic ex to co parent with an abusive ex. And that's a reality that a lot of us have to face. And I thought it was something that is so desperately needed, especially here on the podcast because I wanted her to be a resource for you.

So that way you can continue to learn, continue to grow and we can recover together. So enough of my blogging, let me introduce you to the wonderful, the beautiful Eliana. This conversation has already been great and we haven't even started recording yet but I need to welcome the wonderful, the beautiful L Viana to the podcast high. Yes, I'm so happy to be here. We've just been talking about how podcast interest are so awkward but there's no way around it. Like it's the only, it's the only way um have to have an interest polite. It's necessary no matter how crazy is that. Yeah, it is ridiculously crunchy. I don't like it, but it is what it is and we are here. So before we dive too deep into anything, I would love to know about you and what you do and what your podcast is about. Okay, so my name's Eliana as I've been introduced, I am a single mom. I'm a photographer.

I'm also a student. I am currently working towards my psychology and criminology degree and I've just started my podcast about co parenting with someone toxic, shifting the focus to reclaim your life. I've had a very fun for years. Don't get me wrong, I've had my, you know, really stressful moments. It's not easy co parent in let alone with someone who is high conflict, but it hasn't stopped me and that's why I made my podcast because I just want other women to not, you know, feel like it's a life sentence. So yeah, that's, that's me and that's my podcast is at shift to focus the podcast on instagram. I love that. Okay, so when we did our free podcast chat, we uh which it's so should have been recorded, we both got so fired up. But you were talking about how you are very, very passionate about women realizing that it's not a life sentence that there is so much life and that you can choose more.

Let's let's start there. Let's rip on that for a bit. Yeah, so it just, you know, I feel like I've been there myself where I felt trapped, I felt like I was trapped. I felt like I did feel trapped, I felt like I am now here, don't get in from, I've always loved my boy, but there was at times a feeling that like you know, I'm sat here with my baby and this person has turned on me, they're not the person that I thought there would be now I am trapped and I know that feeling and I feel like so many men and women pray on the fact that the other parent would feel like that. Um and I know and I speak majority for women but I do have a couple of male friends and know a couple of male people who are really, really loving fathers and it's the female one who is like they feel trapped by and who is extremely toxic.

So I don't talk about it, you know, awful women. But yeah, I just wanted people and mainly women obviously because it's us who normally are the ones looking after the kids to realize that you know you can take the control away. Um I believe in post separation abuse, it is real post separation abuse like so real. Um it's not really recognized because I do feel like we live in a bit of an old school patriarchal world like if your relationship broke down the woman, it must have been a woman's fault because she couldn't keep her man like you know what I mean? Like there's no, it's not recognized that actually this person is manipulative. They have tracked this woman or even this man and like this pattern even though they're not together, still wants to like make their life hell still wants or just not uphold their part of the bargain or just wants to be difficult, wants to be selfish, you know there's a scale to this, it can be quiet, it can just be you know, little selfish decisions and stuff like that or it can be completely full scale like using the court system to harass you know, there is a scale but wherever you are on the scale it's still your reality and it's still going to feel quite like, you know like there's not a light at the end of this tunnel like this is it now and that's why I want to do what I want to do because you know, you can still have fun, you can take the control away.

You might not be able to completely eliminate it, but you can reduce it. You can make your life better. That you know that you can start being you and living life and actually, and I just want to say this have a better life than you ever could have had a men with the person who made your life hell well or tries to or just act like a dick. Sorry, I don't know if I should say that but your life can be your life will just improve. I rambled Oh no, I love it. I am a very long winded human. So you are great. And honestly that is something that I am actually a little bit embarrassed to admit. I had never thought of. I guess I knew it was a thing, but I never thought of post separation abuse as being like its own kind of category and that is something that I most definitely experience. Um I well still experiencing, I'll be, I'll just believe it at that, but it's just not something that a lot of people whoa, I said that weird, a lot of people don't, if you haven't, well for abuse at all, if you haven't lived it, it's not gonna make sense to you because none of it's logical, but what a lot of people don't understand, I guess, even in the post separation aspect is that it doesn't have to be a big, you know, a performative abusive act.

They don't realize that it's the little things that they do that and it's very, very petty. Um and it's and it's on purpose and it's done with malicious or just intent. Um it is hard to explain it to others. Uh in in England, we are the only country in europe that you can't, and I don't know if this is the same for America that if you're in a courtroom sorting out custody or child arrangements, you're not allowed to bring up a child support, they don't care. They say we don't care. Um this is not about child support, you know, but everywhere else in europe they would take into account whether the man is paying money because that represents like his commitment and his responsibility and his, you know, holding, but England is the only country where if you try to bring it up in family court there just like this isn't the place to be talking about money, like we're not here for money, we're just here to sort out, you know, the Children like the Children and it's terrible because not paying child support is post separation financial abuse, 100 financial abuse and it's posted its financial abuse and its post separation abuse because it's it's a way to harm you further, like why would you not want to contribute to someone who is trying to keep a roof over your child's head or put food in their mouth?

Like why would you not want to make a contribution to that? But yet England don't, they don't, they don't they don't take that on board, they don't care. Oh my God. Oh man. In fact I might start a petition because yeah, it makes me, it makes me really angry, but at the same time it makes me really angry. Uh It does, it does and I think it starts with like in the english courtrooms, like the family courtrooms, they are very old fashioned, white privileged, like kind of misogynous is that is a misogynistic a word, Yeah, misogynistic, kind of, you know, you know like Yeah, yeah, they're just, it's a weird weird place. I don't know what the family courts are like in America and stuff, but in England they are like really weird like they're based on like really old fashioned values and stuff like and it's just strange.

That is so oh my gosh, I feel like that's just an episode that is so infuriating, like I'm at a loss for work. I mean I have a lot of words I want to say, but none that I can say. Yeah, it's actually infuriating, like I need to find out if there's a petition for this and like do something because it does need to get changed. Like not paying child support is like a very, very malicious thing, you know, you start a family together, like you guys falling out and I think a man not paying child support and I'm just going to use the example of a man for the sake of for the sake of it, but I think a man not paying child support is the equivalent for like is the equivalent of a woman saying to the man, you can't see your kids for no reason. I think I I think it's the same thing and like women, women get bashed all the time for being like you're taking the kids away and all this, but why is no one walking around bashing the men that don't pay for their Children, why does the blame always fall on women?

Like Yeah, but that's just yeah, that's a that's definitely a deep societal issue, Oh my gosh, I am Oh uh well if there is a petition. I know I don't live there, but I don't know how yeah, I'll get you decided I'm in, I'm there, I will cause a ruckus on that. Um it's crazy. That makes me so mad. But let's talk about this situation then, like when it comes to parenting with a toxic person because it is one of the most and I'm not, I do not want to take away from the struggle of women who don't have kids who've been in abusive relationships. That's what I'm trying to do it all. But yeah, you can't just stop talking about and there is a way to say that like, oh, I told me for 18 years, but that's not true. This person is a part of your life for the rest of your life. Yeah. And even like what is only 18 years, like 18 years is a long time, right?

And it's just, but even then like I know that, you know, when my son gets older, I'm still going to have to interact like there's still at some point, I mean, regardless of what happens, that's always gonna be there forever. So how, well, let's, let's start here. How do you manage to talk to what words, how do you manage parenting with someone like that? Um Well it is impossible. Um like impossible. Um and and to be quite frankly I can't, and I don't um I've tried, I've tried to, I've tried many routes like I've tried to be like kind and like, like, you know, offer like piece of friends and stuff like for example, like when my son's dad had another child like I bought the child a gift and stuff like that because I thought you know this might be a nice way to kind of bring a little bit of more unity.

Um But that was taken far. I don't think he likes that because when I gave him the president, his face looked horrified. I think he wanted me to go and jump off a bridge because he was having another kid. But to be honest, I was like so happy because if he didn't have another kid, I might have like not now, but like when my son was like two or three, I could have easily had another one by him just to be like at least my Children have the same dad and stuff like that. So it's like it's such a blessing in disguise because I could not have had that like, do you know what I mean? But sometimes you know you just think it could have gone so different if this person hasn't like met someone else or had someone else or had another family. So I was just like really at peace with it all and like you know this is it. Um And yeah, he didn't like that. He did thank me and stuff. But it just I think if that was me that would be enough for me as a person to be like you know what we really need to start working together and meet each other halfway.

It's not about being friends but a peace offering is a peace offering. And people who are kind respond well to kindness, you know what I mean? But it didn't and he just he kind of just used it a bit too like I don't know I think I think benefit bothered him that it just didn't get to me if that makes sense. So he needed to stir up drama in other ways. Um In fact actually I'll be really honest. He started asking me to have a child a few months after that and have a child by him. Yeah he won. Yeah. Yeah the Audacity like the audacity that is not ownership. Oh my God. Yeah. So so basically he had like his child in like the march and then I got I gave them a gift in like the april because we were in lockdown, he gave him a house, I gave him the gift, come to pick my son up. He doesn't normally come in my house by the way, but we were a little bit just being a little bit more civil at the time. Um And then yeah and then like within a month or two because because after that it was like okay like I have to actually cool with her now because like she's given me this gift.

We kind of had this little little friendship not real friendship but just like being a bit more civil with one another and communicating more. And then before you know that turns into flirting um do you want to have another baby by me and all this shit? And I was just like no um And yeah that was that and that ended in tears, not my tears, but like it ended it didn't end well because he was manipulating so much. And then because I just kept like do not ignoring his advances um he ended up blowing up at me like he got like the narcissistic rage one day and just like went in on me and then I went in on him back. I'm not in front of my child, thank God. And then it ended like that and that was the first time we've ever like really started to be civil and it was all but he didn't know how to just draw the line. He could have just took that gift and used it to like really better our relationship for our son.

But he used it to like kind of worm his little way back in be like dishonest to his current partner, you know, flirt and do just weird shit. So I've tried so now I don't really communicate with them at all. If I need to send him a message about our child, it's literally just about our child and that's it. Like George must be back on like sunday is mother's day say right, so Georgia has come back four hours earlier because that's what's in our order. Hi, George must be back by 12 on Sunday. Thank you. And I think that's one of the hardest part is because because again, you can't just block everything. You can't just up and get everything. I have to make sure there's a way to communicate and keeping it as flat as possible. Yeah. It as flat as possible. Yeah. Without even when they're trying to make it another thing like this man, he like I always say to him, our own texture email you because he's made so much lies up about me and when we went to family court, he lied to family court about me luckily like one of my favorite.

So it doesn't matter. But I always said to him like, but he'll try to call me like in the past, not recently before. Like you try to call me, call me call me because he wants to argue with me and I text him, I'm not answering. Like and he does things to trick me to answer in the phone. He'll be like, George needs to talk to you or or once and I can't believe I fell for this. I'm so dumb. He was like, my screen isn't working answer the phone like me at the time, I'm not realizing like this guy is like messaging me but that's how like fucking like, sorry about my swearing. That's how audacious they are. Like they're just I think their goal isn't about the child, their goal is about them and about just exert in like manipulation, control and power and that that's what it's about because even and that's, that's the really crappy no one situation because it's just like it's gonna win. You can yeah, you gave no response and he got pissed that you gave no response and flip down.

Yeah. These situations is why everything I do will get flipped to me. Like even now I've started my podcast, I'm sure like in a way he'll flip that. Like she started a podcast about me. It's like, I don't even mention you. Like I'm talking about my story like I'm helping out for women like better their lives. Like, do you know what I mean? Like I don't know. Like that's making an assumption anyway. I don't know that. But that's the point. They just managed to kind of they managed to just like flip everything and it's just like go away. And that's the hard thing and that's something that I do want to bring up and commend you for because doing what we do actually and I'm not trying to like, you know, be just be full of hot air. But it's just like you have to think of like, okay if he does find the podcast, what is he going to do. I think about stuff like that often because we have to we have to make sure they were careful of what we say, how we say, because we don't want anything to get twisted. We don't want that everything's gonna get twisted, but we have to make sure they don't get twisted logically for people who aren't screwed in the head when they look at it, that it can't be twisted and that the really sucky thing, because when there's a child involved, you have to think about everything you do.

You have to think about everything as well because also you think that how's it going to affect, is it going to affect my child? But even with my podcast, I'm like, this isn't gonna affect my child. If anything, this is going to benefit my son, because it's helping me grow into the kind of woman that I would want him to value and respect, obviously I want him to value all women, but I mean, like, I want to change the narrative of women and this starts with him seeing me not be like this kind of like, um his dad is very much like the type of man who needs to be with a woman who is very like submissive, like is, you know, is like, you know, blind loyalty allows him to cheat or terms of blind eye and just doesn't really have a backbone easily manipulated and I'm not saying that's a bash anyone, but that's what these type fellas, that's what these type of fellas want, you know what I mean?

Like that's why yeah, they just don't go well with people who are like strong or whatever. But anyway, so yeah, I just I don't want to be that I want my son to see women in a different light, you know what I mean? And it's so like this is positive for all of us and I'm not bashing saying and I think hateful, I'm being truthful, being factual, I'm standing up for myself, I'm helping people like it is all positive, you know what I mean? And that's and that's the power in it. I mean I just recorded a video for Youtube today about being in recovery as mom and it's so true. Like when you choose healing and recovery as difficult as it is, it feels selfish, but it's the best thing you can do for your kid is now my son gets to watch his mom go from literally crying herself to sleep laying on the club 100 percent Yeah, and you know what, I have a mom who helped my dad for years and my dad was a drug addict.

He wasn't a abusive man to my mom, but he had an addiction. So a lot of those are like toxic in similar similarity because it's like there's a lot of selfish manipulative behavior. A lot of lying. A lot of gas lighting as well with an addict because they don't ever want, they always want the heat to be off them. Lot of projection so it can, it has similarities with like being in a relationship with a narcissist or someone, but my mom helped him for years, like, you know, she was like, so like, you know, always there for and picking up the pieces, stuff like that. So like loyal and even though he really did nothing for her and I look back and I'm like, I wish she was more selfish, I wish he didn't have his shit. I wish she like, you know, I mean, I don't put myself through and yeah, uh you know, and I hope that one day if George ever says, why didn't you try hard with him? He won't anyway. I know he won't because I tried hard enough and I've got the receipts for that. Um but no, I'll always refer to that story of his nan who always helped his granddad and then it never really got her anywhere.

She's never really healed my mom and that what you mentioned too is something that needs to be talked about more. Is this because I had that same feeling of, well, what if Axl, you know, comes back and thinks I didn't try hard enough, what if I should have tried harder, what if I could have done more, what if I needed to get them and that's a cycle that I got stuck in for such a long time, but it I did everything I could, I have a clear conscience because I know that everything you have a clear conscience that's like me. Like you you feel confident because you know like, you know now, you know what I mean? Like that's that's all you need. And when you tell that to your son, you will that conviction will shine through, you know what I mean? Also there so intuitive, they will know like where the truth is coming from and how it's coming out, you know what I mean? Like our story to instruct our generation is so woke like on manipulation tactics now, it's almost like when our Children get to an appropriate age as well, we are going to be able to teach them so much.

So they're going to be able to spot it theirselves. Yeah. And that is so true. And it's also like, and I want to speak to the woman who is trying to who's in an abusive relationship but she doesn't want to leave for her kids. Like I asked you to listen to us right now and is it easy? Hell no! But it is so I would so much rather have my son grow up watching me thrive and kick ass than watch it humbled and have him think of how a man supposed to treat a woman. Yeah. The thing that absolutely blew my mind circling back to like the toxic relationships is like how they feel like they have a right to say what we do and don't do. Like my my God so pissy. So apparently you know the flying monkeys right? I didn't know this but we had a connection that I thought wasn't talking to him anymore but it was really taking all the information I told her I like taking back there and next thing I knew he knew all about my dating life he knew like I was seeing and he had the audacity to say well you better make sure he's good before Axl meets him.

And I was like yeah like chill honey. Yeah you have yeah you lost that right a long time ago. Yeah you can't you can't say that. Yeah. Yeah I've had that before. Like my ex saw me on Tinder. I hate saying my ex because I feel like you know was you even an X. But then yeah we're gonna say X. I had a child with him. So yeah my ex um I just feel like he doesn't deserve to have me to feel that. Do you know what I mean? That's why I hate saying it because it's like like that is like a privilege. I know you like you gotta earn like I'm sorry but I'm way too good to be his ex. But anyhow. Yes. No don't be sorry about that. You know it's honestly true. I'm way too good to be his eggs. Oh my God. Take that clip and I'm just gonna blast everybody. Yeah. Anyway last it remix it had a little bit of background music. Hell yeah we're gonna turn into going into a club mix. Yeah but literally my eggs like he saw me on Tinder bearing in mind like he had like been with his like my son was like two at the time or something and he was like basically with his girl from when I was pregnant like I found out four months pregnant that he was like still seeing this girl from an ex of his.

But I don't even know if they were it was just so messy anyway. Right? Anyway they so with me and him broke I broke up with him when my son was like three months old like and they were in a relationship a week later so two years later. Fast forward two years later like they're still in a relationship so there are no long term relationship, they are like lovers and yet he's on freaking tender. Yeah. Oh no it's probably his friends who saw saw it to be fair, but he starts messaging me like I've seen you on Tinder like um my son should be embarrassed. Um Oh you know like but the stuff he was saying that it was so clear, I'm not being funny Carly he was jealous jealous. Like I'm not budging on it. I know I've seen him jealous before and I knew it, he was just completely enough to lead jealous and it was like and he was trying to like, and at the time I'm not gonna lie, I was a bit more fired because I still had like a really shitty view of like dating apps whereas now I actually think they're not too bad because we're in a pandemic, like you know how much you gonna meet people?

Like I do feel a bit more like normalized it now. Look, it's only a dating app and if there's one or 2% chance you're going to meet someone really good, like why would you throw away that small percentage? Like you might as well just get on it even though I haven't been on one in months and months and months but I'm gonna go I'm gonna I'm gonna sign back up this week. But yeah, you know when you're just lying and at the time I was just thinking how can you say anything like anything and like yeah, he's just an idiot when he found out I was seeing someone last year, he hit the roof like bearing in mind he's got like another child like it is very very um control it and I feel like this is why a lot of women stay with these people because they view that as love. Yeah. Yeah. I've even had, I've even had friends say you know George's studies like this with you because he loves you and he's so obsessed you and I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no he does not love me. He might be upset not in the way, but not in the way, like, oh, he, you know, he values you, he's infatuated.

He's no, no, no, no, no. He doesn't love himself. He doesn't love anyone. Um you see, he was property and he wants, he sees me as property or he might see like certain weaknesses and think he can play on those. Like don't ever think that that is love. Like we need to really kick that narrative to the club and then a man, a man who loves you don't cheat, like values you. Like that's it. Like it's good to you. Is that it is a nice human end of story. Like women do. I have noticed that and I think many, many years ago, I'm 30 now, but many years ago I was like that I view, I saw a thought, oh, you know, if he's being crazy over me, you must really love you. Oh, please all teach your daughters that this doesn't mean someone loves you. It doesn't, I'm sorry cause that's what Goddess in these toxic situations. It's that mindset that we're oh, it's attention, attention is love. It's good attention or bad attention. That's all we wanted and we saw that is love. So we're taught that that's okay.

Like we're seeing in movies, like it is so hard to watch movies now. People hate watching movies and I pick them apart, but we see toxicity as an attractive as an attractive trait. Yeah. Well they're manipulating. It does. Yeah, he's like anger outbursts as like, well they're just angry because they care. No, they're angry because they need to go see a damn therapist and you need to go see a therapist. Yeah. To me now and you know what I love and this is a really good point. But I think when you get to uh you know obviously, I don't think anyone is ever fully healed from anything. Like always going to be like healing, growing, working on things, you know, working through the rubble of your soul when you get to put one of the main things that really made me realize that I had healed a lot. Not really not so much from my expert from like because I was, I was with him because I had wounds and then he just like real stuff that happened between us kind of like just added salt to them, if that makes sense. But when I knew I was healing and it happened like was when I realized that like the traits that I never used to find sexy are like so sexy to me now and a man, like, do you know what I mean?

Other things perform when I was a little girl that would like maybe excite me like jealousy trying to be possessive. Like that is that would turn me off the most. That would just turn me off. um Yeah, and like a bit of aggression or being horrible or having like really strong views of other people all the time. Because that's what like a couple of like the guy I was seeing was like that my ex was like that I had another X performer who was like that always like putting up is down. Yeah. And now like, I just think, you know, you could still be with like an alpha male who's like positive, like not all time positive, but who's like, just not a fucking sorry, not a negative person. And I think, I mean, well, not, I think I know that has a lot to do that because I used to think the same thing. I used to see masculinity as aggression as possession as ownership. Yeah, that's it. I thought it was a normal thing and now I am so drawn. I mean, I have a lot of masculine energy myself, but I want someone who is super masculine but comfortable in their masculinity that they don't have to prove it.

Like, yes, you can you can have this sense of being proud that you're with me, but you don't got to own me. You can have Yeah. Without being an asshole. Like yeah, me without talking over me. Like, all of these things like, I don't want someone who's just going to say yes ma'am. You know what I think would be like one of the most attractive traits to me now in a man, it would be um a man who is able to like unlearn and relearn like so you know is not fixed in his like opinions like you know is adaptable in their opinions, I feel like I'm quite adaptable in my opinions, I have strong opinions, but if you present a good enough their argument to me, you can change them, maybe you know what I mean, I'm not fixed just for the sake of like I can't see no other viewpoints I like to do, you know what I mean? I'm growth and viewing things you know differently or whatever but yeah, I feel like I've been around too many men that just have these really tunnel vision uh yeah, just very tunnel vision and I don't like it, I don't think that's a sign of a conscious man.

Oh yeah, 100% and like and personal growth is something really important to me and I mean this may or may not actually be happening so um if you're listening to this right now, make sure you know, check out my website but I actually am gonna be working um maybe on something that has to do with the phrase personal growth gets me hot, like yeah, like I said to my friend a few months ago when we were hanging out because we're reading this, we're ready, okay actually this was a moment that I realized that I was so attracted to This is there as an actor that's a smaller actor but someone that I am super like he is so fine and in his on an instagram post, he had talked about how he had done a whole lot of like personal growth over the last year and he was really passionate about mental illness and bringing awareness to depression Yeah, all of these things and I was reading it and I was like, oh my God, you want to turn me on, tell me you've got you know how I feel that about, I feel that about Zac Efron and I know that's like really silly.

Some people are going to be the okay, so careful. Like every girl has the hot because I care for him. But normally I would be like, oh that kind knows he's hot. Like I don't find him attractive because I bet you any money like he's a he's a he's an a hole. But then I watched his series on netflix down to earth and he is like so down to earth. Like unreal. Like nothing. He's such a nice guy and you know when you're like, oh my God, like you are everything I want in a man but not only flee like yeah, he's unbelievable. Like you know what I mean? And that's another thing is like you can totally know that you're attractive without being arrogant. Like I totally, I want to be with someone who is confident in how they look, but like, like for me, I know, I know I'm, I know I'm attractive and I know I'm hot and that's okay, but I'm not flaunting it around going well, I'm a tent, like I'm not doing that. You want someone who's confident, but like without shouting it all the time, like if you're attractive, you don't have to say it, I can see, I think is I think it makes someone much more attractive when they're attractive and they've got like this humbleness to them, like they're not like they don't take themselves too serious, like it's just like There's more to them than just, you know, face value, and that's that's what makes people like 10 times more attractive is what's inspired and that is something that I want to acknowledge for both of us to just because I feel like we had very similar different upbringings, but similar outcomes of how he viewed life and where we were to where we are now is such a big difference and that's so much growth.

Yeah, and the thing is I've done, I've done most of my growth in a short amount of time because we, we didn't really know about, we didn't really have the tools that we used to like imagine if we had all these instagram instagram when I was at 16 or 17, it could have helped me a lot sooner. I've learned a lot from the internet, yep, same, you know what I mean? So yeah, a lot, I'm all for it. I think if you use it in the right way, it's amazing. Oh yeah, I mean it was an instagram ad literally an instagram ad is what changed my life. It was the book. Yeah, it was a, it was an ad, I'm not gonna go too deep in it because it's a long story, but there was a really annoying instagram ad from the super annoying dude and I just wanted it to go away. It was offering a free book And I was just like, Oh my God, if I ordered a stupid book, maybe it'll go away, that's not how that works, that's what I thought. So I ordered the book and it was high performance habits by Brendon Buchard and that book changed my life like 100% if it was not for social media, I don't know that I would want to Know about that book, 100% are totally great as as you're sitting down with your glass of wine and looking so cozy for the night, what is one piece of advice that you would give to a woman who is newly in this co parenting situation with a toxic person, I would say educate yourself as much as possible on the things like, well actually 1st and 1st educate yourself, but get a visitation plan in place um without that you yeah, it's going to be hard for you to like move on because you need set times if the father of your child doesn't want anything to do with your child.

Then take that as a way out and don't force anyone in your child's life but educate yourself as much as possible on manipulation tactics, you know, follow Carly, follow me, shift your focus, the podcast follow as many things that you can that talk about narcissistic abuse, toxic relationships. Um the gray rock method, all of those will fall under you know, narcissist narcissism and stuff like that. But also follow things that talk about leveling up and grow and personal growth. It's really important that we educate but I don't want people to get into a cycle of just always sitting there analyzing the other person's behavior like we, we do need to, we can do that and that's fine. But make sure you are also focusing on your behavior. What can you be changing? What can you be doing better, what can you be healing in yourself? Um, and yeah, just make you know the key to a better life is personal growth leveling up your life.

Yes. Mike drop. I say it all the time. I know it's like mike drop but it's also like if we dropped on mike's that's that's a lot of money down the drain, you can do that. But I just want to say thank you so much for taking time and you say well where can, where can everybody find you connect with you and listen to you. Yeah. So you can find me on instagram my handle is shift your focus the podcast and they're the links on, there's who my podcast if you want to listen. I also post loads of stuff in the week, like my little uplifting quotes, some stuff about like, narcissism, manipulation tactics. Sometimes it's a bit strong, but everyone who's there, they resonate, they need to be hearing what I'm putting out. So, you know, I post a lot of my stories as well throughout the day, um, sharing really useful information from other pages because I want you to be able to see all the stuff that, you know, I see.

So I'm sourcing that for you and yeah, find me there awesome. So I'm also going to have all of those links in the show notes too. So in that way you can go give her a follow because y'all need her in your life. Like I love her so much. So thank you so much. Thank you so much Carly. Oh my goodness. Like for real though, for real though, this conversation was everything. We were laughing our butts off before we even started recording and as it was wrapping up, we stayed on and talked for far too long. Just talking about mom life, about single life, about living it up when our kiddos were gone. Like y'all, Eliana is just amazing And all of the links to connect with her are in the show notes. So go be sure to go give her a follow and then what I would also love for you to do is to take a screenshot of today's episode and tag us both. So that way we can reach out, thank you personally and re share because yo that is so important.

That is how we continue to connect. That is how we continue to find resources and create this amazing community that you have helped me create. You have helped us to bring together. It's because of you that I'm able to meet all these amazing people and bring amazing guests like Eliana on the podcast. So thank you so much for listening and never forget that you are strong. You are capable. You are intelligent and boo, you are so freaking worthy. I love you so dang much and we'll talk soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

98: Coparenting with a Toxic Ex with Eliana
98: Coparenting with a Toxic Ex with Eliana
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