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Stacey Barnes - Duality

by Jennifer Cawley
November 5th 2020

Stacey Leigh Barnes found this little life journey to have lots of “peaks and valleys”, like the majestic ridged mountains & “ebbs and flows”, like the wondrous & mesmerizing ocean. As she continue... More

you wanted t be in the uncomfortable space even though it's so sad you were so open to just let people just take care of me was uncomfortable too. So it made me realize that it's okay, Like to do like, I had to have it. But then it gave me more comfort to ask for help. Like you said, it's very hard to articulate. And you even bringing this up here is I can tell you can feel me. Yeah, like, stay. Keep it together. We're not gonna put the water on yet. I believe that each and every one of us has the power within ourselves to create the life that we really want. And I want to help give you the tools to make that happen. I'm Danica Patrick, and I'm pretty intense. I love to ask people the question. What do you think we're here for? What's the point of all this? And I my answer at this point in time, because I'm

open minded, I'm always willing to allow that to change eyes. I've said that I think that we're here as humans to experience duality that since we have choice, um, sort of the choices that create our reality. And there's a learning process on dso you know, the spectrum being obviously like all the way from, you know, bliss and joy and happiness and love. Thio, grief, sadness, sorrow, shame, regret, anger, envy like to really feel both ends of the spectrum. And I think that as I have opened up more open my heart more felt more I My my duality window is widening like if you don't, if you stay safe

all the time and protect yourself, you never end up getting to feel like really true connection and joy. You also don't you because you're trying to save yourself from the misery, right? Even though people that sometimes sort of almost make themselves miserable or like, like reside in some low level misery, it's because they've also told themselves. I think that that if they stay there, then it won't get worse, right? Like I don't wanna allow myself uneven level of vulnerabilities. I don't want it to get any worse than here, so I think that I think that as we get more open and vulnerable and as we get more connected with our true self and connect with other people. We, uh we we feel a bigger window of that. And so, you know, for me. So the word I wanna talk about his duality because we're with the words that we were going to do. I was like

I wanted to do joy And then But joy is basically what for me, I felt all the way from I would call, I would say grief to joy have been, You know, I mean, grief doesn't even seem to justify how awful it's kind of been at times, but But joy does where there's just these moments where, you know, I felt like the simplest in the simplest things have felt like the deepest level of connection and happiness and joy and like contentment, almost like there's a there's a level of feeling, so content, so, so much gratitude and just like, ah, little bit more of an overwhelming amount of love than normal. And, um, like, really like transcendence of energy and feeling and emotion. Um, but I don't think that I would have got there without sort of the opening and without

being on the other side of things. And so, you know, duality, is this thing where I think that we're, you know, again. Maybe the maybe the root of what what to talk about is like this this idea that we need to keep ourselves safe. And so I'm like saying that I'm trying to get I need to get usedto I need to get used to my word of the year like a Clement to it because as frustrating and sad as it is that I'm that there's been so much grief and I remember journaling a while back and I was sort of doing some soul journaling as we dio and asking my higher self for my soul, my inner child, whatever you wanna call it, like Will I ever feel better? Well, this go away and three answer was no and I was like a fuck on, then quickly came in, which doesn't usually happen, but like a question

. But it was kind of part of the answer of like, No, you won't feel better about this, but the other side of it waas. But aren't you feeling more joy now, too? And the answer was, of course, yes, I am. And so it's kind of getting comfortable being uncomfortable and continuing to expand. What? That ISS, right? Oh, yeah. Well, we can spend a lot of our time in life trying Thio to keep things comfortable. Mhm, mhm. Which kind of seems like That's why we're here. We're here to do better and we're here to make everything perfect and everything should look a certain way and feel and be a certain way. But that in itself has its own rigidity and, like not authentic space to be in. And so when I think the truth is shown to us, which typically will always come through because that's not reality, right? Living in perfectionism, living just in the perfect comfort, right? Like the in between

. Because because if you're only in that space and you're never growing evolving, and in order to grow and evolve, we have to be able to feel the pain. You know, we have to be able to be in the light, but also be willing to be in the dark and see what that is and feel what that is and feel it with others and Onda, most importantly ourselves and hold space for it without, like, severe shame and everything that's going to keep us to go back into that sheriff exterior like, What do we do to keep everything looking so perfect on the outside? Eso no one knows, even though I feel this and then the shame just eats away at you and resent. I mean, it's just amazing. So, yeah, so you to be in such a vulnerable space to be allowing yourself to process the feelings from the beautiful to the extreme joy to the depths of deep, deep, deep grieving. Being brave enough to be

in those two in the duality of it is what's giving you a whole new perspective. And I feel just a level of reverence mhm for us being here for being human, and not only from our experience, but from everyone's experience. Um, there is a that there's this seems to be here for a reason, and we're feeling it at numerous times, including what's happening right now. In this year. There's extreme discomfort, and there's extreme duality that's being shown. Eso onder. What do we do in those spaces? Do we react, or do we sit with it? Do we journal? Do we dio? Do we allow ourselves to process the feelings and know that these air our feelings and it's okay tohave right? So it's so much of that is so different than us trying to not feel trying to hide it from other people, trying to not react and project onto other people also

. So, yeah, I think it's a really good a good word to sit with and talk about it and feel into because we don't realize when we're not able to see the duality and be comfortable to be in it, how how we can show up and how we can react, how we limit ourselves and how we see other people in those spaces. So a couple things that came through for me at the very beginning with all of this grief, which you were first hand witness for, um, I remember one of the first things Waas understanding how like it gave me insight into humanity by allowing myself to grieve that deeply and feel that deeply. Some of it was allowed. Some of it was forced, but sometimes it would be thrust into stuff. Is that one of the things was I

remember, uh, feeling like, you know, one of the things that I always You know, I'm very, you know, self aware of my body and, you know, with food and fitness. And I remember, like, I could be a little judgmental in that area then because I judge myself that way. And so I remember, you know, not being ableto eat and feeling really so, so sad and so uncomfortable. I'm grieving so much. And then I remember having this new perspective. Now, when you look at bodies and like, I was losing weight, but I didn't even wanna look in the mirror. And I'm like, this isn't like I didn't want this Thio happen like I'm This is from sadness, not from, like, discipline or hard work or happiness, right? And so I remember thinking to myself, this is like a little in like it was like on opening for me and empathy to go. You know, maybe you just didn't look at everyone. That looks the way you think you wanna look, because what it takes to

get there might not be what you want, right? So sometimes behind someone that you see might be ah, lot of sadness might be unhealthy habits or, um, disorders or oven issue. Maybe they're sick, right? You have no idea what it is. But to understand it like, gave me that that insight into the fact that you know not everything is as it seems not actually. Nothing is as it seems, exactly so. Toe have a little bit more love and compassion in that area. And then the other one was just feeling the level of sadness that I had again because, you know, it comes through this like, extreme duality on feeling literally like I could be, You know, me, I could be like, I'm super direct and I'm also like, We'll just suck it up, Buttercup, get it together. Just try harder. Like, remember me birthday? That's saying try harder, which is a good fun for a lot of stuff

, but but But I remember feeling so much sadness, and I felt literally, like no hope like I was at I had, like, it was the worst day of my life. It was the day we got home from the trip, and, like I was the worst. I mean, I'm not even I will not be able to articulate, like, use like you saw me, but like it wasn't it was like it's like I can't even give you. I can't even give you a total feeling as to how it was. But it was the worst. It was literally the worst day of my life. And, um, just like no hope that was the other thing. No hope. And so in that moment I had the insight into understanding how people would, you know, I have an incredible support team. I have so many good, loving people and so much, so much good in my life, like, really have an amazing life and so much. And so it was like, Wow. But if you imagine

, like if someone didn't and they had less or less friends or less means or less, you know, space to deal with it or like whatever, like less than I had, like how you can see how people don't want to keep going. Like, I think someone said to me like I'm call me to make sure you call me if anything happens. Like I think they were seriously worried about me being, you know, you know, doing something really silly and German and very not silly is not the right word. They probably were worried about me doing something out of character that was in light of like because of my sadness. And, um so you kind of get an insight into suicide and to you know, the other things that people would do to feel something or to get out of it. And so you know, those air sort of the things that I might be able to be, you know, a little bit more judgmental in the past about but like so through the duality came a lot of empathy for sure. When you get to experience that

yourself, it allows you to have a whole other experience that there's no room for judgment echoes out the door like when it is your experience. Um, it's a reality check like no other. And, um, I remember that day very yeah, very well. And you were in a very, very vulnerable space. But you were asking, and you were you were you wanted to be, and you wanted t be in the uncomfortable space you wanted. It's not that it was almost like I don't There was no more answers. It was just kind of it was. It was a very like even though I was so sad you were so open

it Z. Like you said, it's very hard to articulate. And you even bringing this up here is I can tell you can feel May Yeah, I'm like, whoa, stays keep it together. We're not gonna put the water on yet. I'm selling, That's myself. And I think you're just you're feeling me too. Eso It's very courageous of you to share this because there's so many out there who have been in, um, including myself in moments of deep despair where hope does not feel at all obtainable. And for someone in your, um, life and your capability and just everything that you embody to be so open and to share that you had you felt this level that also opened you up to a whole another level of empathy, but that you you were in it and you called your support step team what you needed. You know, you vocalize to me. We spoke to Haley. You were with your mom that you talk to your mom like you you

made, and that's what's important in these times is, um, as much as we talk about solo when we're I feel like in our dark, dark, dark places, like in a lot of our shadow stuff that we're doing to make sure that we have a support system, whether it's a therapist, the best friend, your parents, anyone who you trust that it's okay to ask for help, because everyone is here with an open heart and open arms with love on. And I think that was very big for your healing and has opened so much for you through your own expense. Showed me that, too. It showed me it showed me what it means to hold like toe hold space for someone. It showed me what it means, Teoh, you know, put yourself totally aside. And, um, it gave me I, like, very rarely really wanna put myself from very people pleasing co dependent, right? So to just let people just take care of me was uncomfortable too. So it made me realize

that it's okay, Like to do like I had to have it. But then it gave me more comfort to ask for help. And then, um, it also showed me what it what it means. And it was demonstrated how to do it, which I don't think because I have not asked for it. I also don't know how to do it. That makes sense, right? So that that expanded. Like I'm sure that I'm not a total dick, right? So I think I'm not a total de So you know, when you like again, it's kind of pushing those boundaries like I take care of a little like, you know, it's like, you know, I'm just expanded my ability to have hold space and have empathy as well as ask for what I need and allow, right? So, like, those got pushed too. So it's like and there is a really useful range like, Imagine. Like, Okay, here's a funny little like analogy. So we see. And we here in the very smallest spectrum, right

? Like of the total spectrum of all the all the sort of ultraviolet rays is like gamma rays, whatever. We see a tiny, tiny little bit in the same thing with hearing. And so imagine now that what if we got to tap into What if we could see infrared, right? What if we could hear? What if you could hear these crystal bowls right now that are actually singing in the background as we talk, because they are voices, our energies, hitting them like they You know what if you could hear that, what if your what if your what if all these things expanded? And to me, that is how it feels with this with duality Is that like you're getting to experience being a human on a much grander scale on a much grander scale? And I think that I think that being able to feel and for us to experience duality and to have an emotional body is

part of why we're here as being as human. I mean, there there is an emotional intelligence to that. But we're more taught about our mental intelligence or that's more celebrated or more of, like the goals again. Nothing wrong with that. But where is our emotional intelligence? And how come that isn't celebrated in that way? And that's where therapy and a lot of this this works school. The interiority that we're doing right exactly is being ableto have that emotional intelligence, and it's not to ace it or to win it. Everyone's experience is different. Everyone's emotional intelligence is different, but I feel that's why we are here as humans. To have that it's It's another level of sensitivity that literally, too high to a tunes us everything that you were just talking about. So when we were when we get our armor down and when we go into these very vulnerable spaces and feel the depths of despair, um, it cracks you open to a whole new level

that we've never experienced, the only thing I can think of and I don't know because we don't remember being born right. Like, I mean, I don't remember being born, but I would think that level of like, what is this that you're coming into, right? Eso you? We experience this as adults through relationships and careers and our own expressions and our own mistakes and whatever that is, do not be afraid or shamed by it. But to be grateful that were able to be in this space and feel it and be with it and know that that's here so we can grow and expand so we can raise our emotional intelligence. That's what I'm hearing from you. What happened from not just the whole experience, but that day is that there was a depth of empathy and not just for others but for yourself. And that's raise you to a whole new connective level that you're having with everyone that you're around, including as

simple as plants and life and the sun and the moon. You know, it's like you're you're feeling at a new There's a new sensory that you've allowed yourself to be to be fully fully vulnerable in that space. Yeah, and you've done great things to continue your practice as you're stepping into this rawness that's been a bit unknown to you at this level emotionally. And you've added things that's giving you support. Yeah, which is huge. And that's what we're talking about, you know, to help people to is like, you know, what is it that you dio feel supporting you in the space as you're kind of like a newborn baby emotionally, Right? As you would say, birthday, you always talk about everything. Yeah, yeah, Well, are you asking me? Yeah. I mean, I actually would say that one of the things that I'm trying to do a good job of is because I understand, because I've been on a sort of processing and unpacking so much of sort

of the traumas. And again, every time I say that word, I feel like I have to say they don't have to be like a car crash or someone dying. Trauma is just like some emotional imprint from something that happened in life. Could be small. Could be like a guy breaking up with you and something he said, And you never forgot. Like it could be. You know, it doesn't have to be big. Um, it could. So anyway, I feel like because I've had to do so much because there's so much work around that for me and understanding. So trying to identify patterns, Why? Why? I have patterns, certain patterns in my life on DWhite I I'm triggered in certain ways and what I'm projecting, I think, um, you know why I'm projecting that I want to keep the I want to keep everything at the surface as much as possible. So I keep so I keep up with it. So I, you know, meditate in the morning, sometimes journal or sometimes Onley journal

. So meditation journal in the morning. And then, um uh, you know, doing sort of that somatic, you know, breath like somatic sound work to try and process emotions. So I do that with the class, or sometimes with bodywork and on doing a lot of things that I love to do that keep me and keep my energy up. Andi, keep me positive and keep me So it's a lot about identifying when you feel good so that you can identify when you feel bad, right? Right. So it's because I think you can get a little murky like toe, Understand? Like when you actually feel good when you feel bad. So when you do things that you that's why being alone really does kind of help because you're only taking care of you, Um, is that you know, are very much only taking care of you that during that time you're on Lee doing kind of whatever. You're just doing whatever you want to do. And so once you start Thio do that more and more, you start

realizing what it is that makes you happy. And so identifying the difference between what feels good and what doesn't feel good is part of the duality. Understanding how it feels in your body, then it's kind of like you know, it's a big step, but it's next level to understand how it resonates in your body. If you feel like, um, attention a tightening, an apprehension, a fear versus like an excitement and a hope and like a like a longing or ah ah, like a pleasure, like joy from it, or an excitement level like understanding the difference. So it's just kind of yeah, I think I think it's, you know, there's so many little things along the way. But, you know, meditation, journaling, breath, sound, nature a lot of the same things that you dio I think are all really. And then just really like doing

learning yourself eso that you can What about are you working with someone to support you? You online therapy? I do talk therapy s Oh, yeah, I've done like you bring in that third party because a lot of the self stuff is wonderful and great, but to be able to support for me, a lot of the emotions that come through that it takes having that third person therapy wise to help. Yep. Someone objective. Yeah, you're right. And I also good dimension just because it's funny. I remember talking to my mom about, um, you know, this summer, Because again, like here I am unpacking all this shit. And so I remember asking if she ever thought about doing therapy with Dad ever. And she was like, Oh, no, no, no. And it was like the response, I guess I probably thought I'd get, but it was such a big response, and then she was like, Well, does. I mean, it's not that I wouldn't It just like that's just not something that we did. And it was just like back

. You know, decades ago, you only went if you were, like, had really problems like you were addicted to something or you had some, like maybe it was like a much more of, ah, what we would think of as a trauma, like rape Or, um, you know, child molestation or something like that, right? Or some. So are you were weird. I think that that was also maybe, just like part of what people thought that you went to therapy for I think a a lot was kept private. That was kind of swept under the rug and our our family businesses, no one else's business so. So you don't share in that way. And I just think it's a cultural change that is happening. That's thankfully that's being asked where it's more open that therapy is a beautiful, beautiful thing. It is essential. It elevates everybody's relationship ship, including with yourself, but with everyone around you. But I would say that with my mom. Also, she

didn't go to therapy with my dad. And yet she's been so supportive with me and it's so curious and always ask my fact, she went to therapy with me on Duh Oh, it's just so good in my husband and I are big on that tube for our relationship. But for mine so lowly, it's such an important thing. I'm grateful you showed that because I just think that that z unpacking the fact that it's not this idea or like it's a shameful thing, that it totally it's a very healthy, medicinal way for us toe and then also like to sort of like wrap up kind of the things that you can do to sort of nurture, take care of and and learn how to deal with the duality that's happening. Your life. If you're allowing yourself to really open up. There can be some some things that you really wish you had a chance to talk about or have some objective for. Um, is, um, the the idea that so I went to therapy way back in the

day when I was married. Which people don't even know that about me, Really? Some people don't know that, but was for a long for seven years and went most the whole time. And I got a little jaded on it. Like fuck therapy. Like, probably stay too long, you know? Like it or, you know, I just kind of thought I don't want to deal with that. I don't wanna have to do that anymore. And so didn't do it for a long time. But it goes that. But what I think is really critical that your mom said to you that I ended up like that. I ended up. You know, realizing for myself is that therapy doesn't need to be toe like process. Whatever is going on in your relationship. Yeah, it could be a part of that. But way better than that. Because the you can't change someone way better than that is the inside job on yourself and understanding how you're contributing to the problem because you are

1000%. And so your mom said to you what your mom said to you because I realized that, like, screw therapy for, like, talk about someone else that Z That's when you have anyone else in the picture other than yourself, you can't guarantee a fix. You can Onley guarantee the fixed. If it's you and your in control, you've only got you You've only got U s. So I have been going for gosh a couple years and and my mom would. I mean, there were some intent. There were times where it was for my marriage and my family. I have a beautiful stepdaughter and and we were working on that family dynamic. Eso It was a lot on on on making sure that that was a healthy space for everybody involved. But there were definitely, I mean, Mom being my mom, she's also my business partner, so she sees everything, but she's super in tune with me and she's How was therapy? I'm like, Wow, we've learned this and it was good and we're applying this and we're working on that. And she was like So when do you work on U

E? I was like, Well, maybe next time on DLA Toral Lee I would go, and I was saying, I will make that a point, but there was kind of so much going on. This is not It's just actually changed. Therapist. There was so much that was going on in our dynamic, we really needed, like a family therapist, but it was very supportive, but I needed a solo therapist for me, and so the same would happen. But when are you gonna work on you? Stays. But okay, that's great. But when are you gonna work on you? Because she could tell. She arranges me. She is. She isn't. I mean, she definitely is the backbone that gave me the courage to do that. No other life circumstances within the marriage and things were just literally forced it to get a new therapist and toe eso. Speaking of, you know, the duality, right? And that showed itself. And that's when I finally got a therapist for myself and started working on me. And it wasn't about saving my marriage. It was about saving myself and find out where I lose myself and my self worth

Because I was trying to be something. So not me. You've only got you and you've got you. You just have to learn how toe YouTube learn how to nurture that. We're doing it. Thanks, everybody, for listening to the pretty intense podcast today. I hope you enjoyed it. If you like what you heard today and you want to hear more, please click on the subscribe button.

Stacey Barnes - Duality
Stacey Barnes - Duality
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