Dear You - Personal Development & Mental Health

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Expanding into your complete self

by Nabeelah Munshi
July 4th 2021

Always blown away by how you can literally keep growing. You might not be aware of the roles you play that actually keep you away from being yourself. 

Recently came across this huge reali... More

Yeah hi and welcome to the episode. Dear you thank you for listening. So if you don't already follow me on instagram please do. It's sad to be late elementary and I talk a lot about marketing and business and mindset and I hope you'll find it super helpful. Um Okay so today I just wanted to talk about these three roles that we play in any situation, it could be in your business, it could be in your home. Um So I started looking into it because um well okay let's go first. So it's a triangle. I don't know who invented it but I'm sure somebody invented it who is really really smart and they were like you know what? People play one of these three roles and um I guess our goal is to not play any of those roles and kind of be like the observer of the situation rather than playing any of those roles. So the three year olds are the victim perpetrator and rescuer. So perpetrator is usually the one who blames people, is like oh my God are like is kind of like a negative person, kind of breaks people down or being evil or being just rude and mean and then um there's a victim in a situation where they're always like oh my God the world is so unfair to me and um you know they just feel bad for their life and themselves and um they just feel like victims like they will make excuses about their lives and blah blah blah.

Um but we'll talk about it in a little bit um and then there is the rescuer who thinks that it's their job to save people, or it's their job to be the savior and whatever, and guess which one I am um but okay, um if you haven't guessed which one I am, I'm usually the rescuer in a lot of situations, um but you know that I've been working on that because being the rescue all the time, and being like a strong one, and being like, somebody who hasn't figured out, or like, I'm giving the direction everything you you kind of overlook a lot of your own needs, and like, I was having a conversation yesterday, and, you know, even with my therapist, when I have these conversations, it was always like, you can't literally, this is like the most healthiest way to live. Probably you cannot ignore your own needs. You know, you didn't come into this world to put anyone above you, or, you know, it's you literally you and you have to make sure that your needs are fulfilled, you feel good?

Because again, the question, um my coach actually asked me this question and she was like, so would you be able to impact more lives if you're if you're feeling fulfilled and good and all these things, or if you're just sacrificing to protect or save others, so I'll give you a very good example, like when I first started this podcast, you know, um I was pretty um consistent and I was getting a lot of messages on instagram and things, and they were always like, you know, I've heard your podcast and I really like it, it really makes me super happy motivated, or like you say things that I've been thinking about blah blah, and um I started thinking that, oh my God, like, you know, I have to, like if I have been given this gift of like, um self would, okay, I don't think that's, again, I probably think I developed it and communication and all these things, I couldn't tell you, it just feels like the right thing to do.

It just came to me and I started doing it and it turned out to make people really happy and motivated and I was like why not? You know like it's just my listening to my voice makes people's day better like damn. Um and my thoughts that is and so I was like I love it, I love talking a little listening what's to what's not to like. So um then I started like and again with also my coaching these days I'll always be like you know if I have this like strategic thing or if I have so much knowledge, if I have these skills and intuitive abilities like understanding my clients and all these things, I should be using it to the fullest I could do, I could be doing more and blah blah blah. So like um yesterday I was walking back from the gym and I was like be like you didn't record episode, like you should be recording an episode because you know, you've been given this gift quote unquote gift. Like I don't know if it's like a gift or it's something developed because again, I just feel like I found something that I liked and I just kept doing it.

But anyway, so um then um I was like yeah, I'm not using this gift at all. And um I'm kind of like taking away from the people who could benefit from this and literally I was putting so much pressure on myself was like, no, I have to record an episode, like I have to and and then so I brought it up with my coach as well and I was like, yeah, you know, like I was being really hard on myself was like, yeah, you know, if you're given this, you should be like, doing more, you should be creating more content, You should be like doing this and that. And um and she was like, again, like, this was a question she asked, she was like, do you think you'll be able to help people more if you put your own needs first and um are fulfilled and happy, or when you're like, sacrificing yourself and you're not actually, like, feeling joyful. And I've also noticed in this podcast, you know, like, I do a really, really good episode when it just comes out of nowhere, when it literally comes out of like, just pure desire, Like, one day I'll just be sitting and I'll be like, let me just take out my mic because I just feel like recording an episode and um those are usually my best ones.

Those are the usually ones that I get the most listens in. So anyway, so that was one of the things that you always have to remember if you are um the Rescuer usually, and again, like I also um do this with my relationships and I and I've been like sacrificing my needs a lot, and obviously it mirrors through like the things that happened, like for example, if I like a guy and he's a complete ass, okay, I'm not saying that all the people that I date or like me or like complete assets, probably not, but if for example, exaggerated scenario, he's a complete ass, I would think that my purpose because I'm so self aware, like I've done so much personal development stuff, like I know what I'm doing and I'm able to like um strategize really well and like, you know, figure out ways. So I would think that my role in this whole dynamics is to save him or improve him or make him a better person.

Which again comes from my childhood because you know um like I said I don't know if I said this before but I was born in Pakistan and so um growing up like my brothers were really mean to me and um one of my brothers particularly um um was really rude, really mean really hateful blah blah blah. This is how you see, you know it's incredible how you can see your childhood just replaying in your life and the more you're aware of this like how your childhood situation is still particularly similar situation your adulthood, you're able to change it, you're literally able to change the script. Um That's why I think therapy is amazing and not just like regular therapy. I usually do the M. D. R. Therapy because um I've done like cognitive behavioral therapy. Um But I I it wasn't that effective for me to be honest and maybe it was I wouldn't I wouldn't be able to say because I've done a lot of different things so I'm sure a lot of different things played a role in the person that I am today but the best therapy that I've ever done.

And my therapist now is like an incredible therapist. I literally give her number out to so many people and she was like nebula you need to stop because I'm getting overbooked and I don't want to like not have you on my calendar and I was like yeah you're right I'm not going to give anybody your number anymore because you're just that amazing. But um but anyway so um where were we though? But so we were exploring this where, you know, like my brother was really um awful growing up. And so in my head when I was a kid, I used to try to like do nice things for him. Like I would bake or like um or like if it was his birthday, like I would give him a gift or like I would try to be like nice and sweet because in my head I was trying to dissolve his anger with love. So, and that has carried onto my adulthood where I will find jerks.

Um and I would be like, let me give you love so you can see that the world is a better place, like a savior, like a rescuer, You know, and it's not my job, it's not my job to actually sacrifice my own needs and I will downplay my needs. Like, again, like a rescuer usually downplays their needs and, and and wants needs, wants, desires, and just downplay it because they're like, oh, you know what? It's okay, my my job is to save people here, and um but then you're like, this is this is not how you're going to live, you can't live like this, you know, you can't live in this back in this aspect of, like, a rescuer either, because then you're, like, not enjoying your own life, and this is the only life you have, and you should enjoy your life and you should feel fulfilled, and and I guess when you feel fulfilled, um you inspire other people. So, again, like, when I became really, really aware of this and I was aware of this before, but it's like a continued work that I always do with my therapist or my coach or anything, and I I've been aware and I've been like, taking more time for myself.

I've been like, um more like putting my desires ahead of like, a lot of other things, and I'm like, clearly stating my needs, like, I will clearly state my needs in a relationship or I would, I'm very straightforward about it. I'm just like, no, I'm not going to settle, because again, I would only settle for a very long time, I would settle. I mean, until recently, um where I I love him, like, looking through my notes with my coach, because we talked about this just very recently, um recently yesterday. So, um but anyway, so I would drop my standards. Um I create a mechanism so that way, you know, like, I'm not seeing the red flags, I'm just seeing them like, oh, I'm here to save them. And again, because I believe in the universe, and I go like, oh, maybe this is a sign, or maybe this is this, like he's in my life for a reason and blah blah. And and she was like, what if he's not in your life for a reason? But it's a test that you keep saying that you want this, but you keep settling for something that isn't matching your standards and you're kind of downplaying your needs.

Um because I was always a rescuer, and that's not okay. You know, this is the only life you have and you deserve to be like, in your full glory. Like, you literally literally deserved to take up all the parking space that you want and you deserve to have your own freaking needs fulfilled because you are you and you are living your life, You are the most important person. And yeah, so that's why I've been so good with it, where I'm just like, no, I don't have any responsibility to save anybody. Okay, so for example, like even with my coaching, I have this responsibility to my clients to give them the best tools, best strategies, best knowledge, make it easier for them. Look at their business, understand their personality, blah, blah blah. It's my duty. Okay. I did it, but I don't take responsibility for it because like I don't take responsibility for their actions or their work or themselves or their personal growth because a lot of times, um I can give everything to my clients, but all of them are at different stages of their personal development journey and I think this is one of the things that impact your business the most.

How good have you dealt with your inner world or your limiting beliefs or things like that, because that legit affects everything in your entire life because that is the foundation and so I know like even if I give the same strategies if obviously but the strategy strategies are customized to all of them, even if I can lay it out for them, I can't get them the results because a lot of times it's like the we even though we work on personal development limiting beliefs all these things, but again people are in different stages of their personal development journey, like healing your traumas and all these things like I'm telling you, you know this started when I was a kid and I frequently um like work on my healing like all the time and as a very famous instagram account, it's a holistic psychologist and you know she has a book that says do the work and in that one she also said that the work never ends and I know it literally just never end.

Um but what I do know that you come to a point in your life where you're pretty solid and very satisfied, very happy, you just have peace with the world and every time I see like a trauma or something triggering me, I get really excited because I know once I overcome that um I'm able to get to another level, so that's just like really, really exciting for me. So anyway, um what else? Um yeah, so because I had taken this role of the rescuer for a very, very long time, I was settled. I would not acknowledge my needs in a relationship, I would not acknowledge my needs and friendships just in life, um blah, blah, blah. And so you know, now I'm just like, no, I can't do this because again this is the only life you get and you didn't come, you weren't put on this earth to just do things for others, you were literally put on this Earth and again about my gifts that I said yes, I am very good to communicate, I'm very good touching people's hearts, but like I have to kind of use it for myself.

My gifts were actually meant to heal me or give me pleasure and if they serve a purpose in somebody else's life, that's amazing, but that's not the goal. So that's what I've been working on these days, but okay, and then the two other roles will get into it really, really quick. Um I won't make this episode super, super long, but it's very fascinating, very interesting to see where you are. So you can, you know, start shifting and not play. I don't know if the goal is to not play any of the rules but I do know that if you're self aware you can you don't plan any other roles and you really just like an observer I guess you're an observer of your actions and all these things and um it's a lot more healthier and you're able to become like a full version of yourself. Not um not kind of directed by your past and your traumas. The times the more I say trauma is like okay stop nebula. But anyway um so the other role that you could be playing is a victim.

This role I swear to god nothing frustrates me more because I guess at a certain point in my life I was playing the victim and then I I had you know when I was probably 18 or 19 or 17, something like that, I was playing the victim, I would complain about things, I was always like oh blah blah life. You know I did a life so unfair blah blah. But then I got so strong I guess I got heartbroken and then I did like a whole 31 80 because they would come back to being a victim. I had the whole 82 a rescuer, so now I love freaking strong one. But um but anyway, so the victim is usually like oh poor me. Life is just out to get me like this happens to me blah blah blah. No, I'm sorry to tell you, but everybody has problems, everybody's going through something. And the only reason why can you tell how how frustrated I get when people play victims.

Um But also my mom usually plays it sometimes sometimes I hope I hope you never come across this. But no, um my mom plays the victim and like it really really frustrates me and I'm just like, no, um you can't you can't do this, but I guess you you shift your your role in very different situations and different scenarios because my mom is actually a rescuer to um and a lot of her situations but she plays the victim in some roles, especially with me, she'll play a victim. Like if we ever talk about like um things that happened the past and everything should be like, oh but I tried my best and like I was given these circumstances in La la and I'm like okay, I mean I guess I understand her, she's also human. So I was really find it wasn't a very good example, but um you know people who play victims, it's like they have like a dark cloud on their head and they're just like, oh my god, life shit. And if other people are doing something, they just feel like, oh they just got lucky or oh they were just dealt a good hand, nobody was dealt a good hand, Everybody was like a hand, I guess it's up to you what you do with it, you know, you have a choice.

Like for example, and I told you I was born in Pakistan if I didn't work and if I didn't like tried to get out of there um to America or like to move to spain or to do all these things that I've done, like I couldn't blame my fortunes for it. You know, I can't be like, oh my God, I was born in Pakistan, so now I'm just like stuck here, I have to marry somebody and like, oh my God, I can't have my life. No, I decided that I wanted to do this and I didn't. Um It wasn't like, you know you have a choice. I literally think you have a choice. Um No matter if you think you don't have a choice a lot of times. And that's sometimes I think it's like your victim mentality where you think you don't have a choice in your life, but you usually do and it's either you're choosing to stay in a job that you complain about which if you don't like the job, find something else to do. You know it's your life, you can do it. Um If you complain about your friends a lot, it's your choice to be friends with them. You could not find different friends if you're complaining about your relationship a lot. It's your choice to be in a relationship with that with that person if you leave.

Sure it hurts. But at least you're not going to be complaining or playing the victim that they're not giving you what you want. Um You know, so again it's really choices. Can you tell how frustrated I get with the victim mentality though? Um But the I think the only reason one of the things that we've talked about um is the reason why I get so triggered from people acting like victims is because um there was a time when I was playing the victim very often. I'm sure there maybe there are some scenarios now that I might be playing the victim role because you know in different scenarios in different situations were playing like different roles. But I don't very often play it. I just could never say never. But I don't think I play it um these days very much. Um I can't, I can't recall a time when I was like oh my god you know live. No I was just like no I'm gonna make this work. But anyway but the reason again um the victim mentality bothers realized because at some point I was playing the victim you know and I was like oh my god life and people and nobody's understanding me and the world you know I was just out to get me and um nobody understands and blah blah blah and so I was pretty miserable at that time, you know?

So I guess because I worked so hard and it was so hard on myself for for a while um not pretty pretty easy on myself, you know like I'm working on um all those things but at that time when I was really hard on myself so now I'm really hard on people who like play the victim um And that's something that I'm very conscious about even though it's like sometimes people are like oh you're like um so hardcore. But there's a part of me that still understands that people are doing the best that they can with all the tools and the life that they had. Okay. So like that's why I have mixed in like a lot of spiritual concepts in my life like for example like understanding like and no judgment. I don't judge people for anything. Um like okay I can I can witness my um my past self like kind of being like no you can't play the victim and all these things. But I still acknowledged the journey that they're on and literally um have a lot of compassion for people where where I just always say you know what everybody is doing the best that they can with all the knowledge and the tools that they have at this time and I respect the journey that they're going on, but maybe matches with mine maybe doesn't, if it doesn't then you know, well I'm not there very much and the last roll that people people tend to play is the perpetrator.

So going to be honest with you, um I don't know very much about the perpetrator role because I don't think I've played in very many roles where it's like, you know, people who are bullying people or causing bus, Well that's my brother, if if I could fit him into a role when I was a kid, like he was a perpetrator and I was a victim and there was no rescuer. But um perpetrator um usually, you know obviously their perpetrators because of their childhood things where they would just love to blame somebody else for all the problems, so they'll be like it's all your fault you did this I didn't do shit like you know and they'll just blame you. Which is um obviously like again it's related to how they were grown up, their experiences and they kind of like in a way kind of like irritate you tease you. Not irritate your T.

V. Or like they just have malicious intent in a way that's what that's what my opinion is. I'm not completely sure about this role but I think they have a pretty malicious intent towards people or towards the other person. Um And they tried to like um because obviously they are kind of getting even for something that happened to them in the past or that's why I literally think everyone should be in therapy because it's amazing and you know the world will be such a better place if people were self aware and took responsibility for all the things that they brought to the table and the kind of perspective they're holding right now because they don't realize that they, they can affect other people and I am so cautious and it's so sad. It's like too much. Sometimes I'm just like, I'm too cautious of this, I need to stop. But then again, the reason why I'm so cautious by the roles that I play, the things that I say, how I'm, I'm reacting to things for other people.

For example, if I'm going through something, but then my friends going through something, I'll stop. You know, I will laugh off my problems and I was like, huh? I have some immigrant issues. But uh, it's fine. Tell me about you though. Yeah, that sounds really serious because um, I want to play like the the Rescuer again. So I will, I wouldn't, you know, um I will just downplay all my problems, or like if I'm going through something, if I'm going through like a heartbreak or like a sad time, um I will just be like no, it's not a big deal. So again, the reason why I'm so cautious about for other people is because I think that I can affect or impact their life so much by like doing a certain thing, like um for example, um I always want to end on a good note with people because I don't want them to feel sad because of me. I don't want people to be hurt because of me, I don't want people um to feel to feel a certain way because of me, because again, me taking that rescue role, I'm so hyper aware of these things how I impact people, which is probably not that amazing because then I'm like calculating everything.

Um so I'm definitely trying to not do that and kind of stand up for myself and um which I do stand up for myself a lot, but not diminish my own needs and wants and desires and need for support um to kind of fulfill somebody else's cup, because in my life, my responsibility, my first responsibility and your first responsibility is to yourself because this is your life again and you are creating this for yourself. You are living, you are feeling your life and seriously, you have to put yourself first every single time and your major priorities to feel good with yourself and the things that you're doing in your life, the days that you're living, you're happy and that's the only thing. And now I've been like really training myself to be like no, I'm going to take up all the space and um ask for all the things that I want in life and needs and not feel like I'm troubling somebody or bothering somebody or like any of those things because I deserve to live a really good life, like shit, this might be the only time at least.

Um I don't know like this if somebody tells me like past lives and stuff, but I don't know about that. Um I'm only here this time, this is the only life that I'm remembering, so this is what counts, So so yeah, so I hope you um got something out of this episode and you kind of figure it out if you're playing any of these roles and you're more aware of the roles that you play in different situations and yeah, you'll be like observant of those, and um just the whole lesson of this was to kind of put your needs above and um like above like anybody else's needs, stand up for yourself, ask for what you want, don't compromise on your own needs thinking about other people because literally that's not your job. It's literally not your job, your sole purpose, your sole job in this world is to take care of yourself, make your life great. Do the things that you like and you know be a good example if you're a good example to other people amazing. But that's your only job and then um if you're playing the victim, you know stop playing the victim.

I don't know if that's that's simple to stop playing the victim. But um just recognize when you're doing it and know that you have a lot of choices and you have you know ways to do a lot of things because if you don't like something like, again, if you don't like your job, your friends blah blah change it, Do something about it. If you feel like, um, you're not dating enough or like you don't have a person but you want to go date. Um, if you feel like you want more money, you know, go find an online job or like business or something like that. Um, that was like twisted. But anyway, so, um, and if you're a perpetrator man, you need therapy. I don't know what perpetrators can do. Um, but again, if you feel like you want to look into this more, you can and those are my thoughts for today. I hope you have an amazing day. And again, let me know how you like the episode. Um, um, you can also reach out to me on instagram and yeah, have a nice day. Bye. Yeah. Mm

Expanding into your complete self
Expanding into your complete self
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