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How Our Words Impact Others | Tim Shurr

by Tim Shurr
July 21st 2021

In this episode, Tim Shurr shares how important it is for leaders to carefully pay attention to how their words come across to people especially to the team and the ... More

Trust is the foundation of a successful relationship, A successful company, a successful team. If we don't trust one another, then that's where all the problems occur. That's where the breakdowns occur.
Here's the question, "What's going on inside the minds of top achievers that cause them to make extraordinary breakthroughs both personally and professionally?" My name is Tim Shurr, and I invite you to join me as we take a deep dive into the unconscious mind and discover how to transform your biggest dreams into a reality. Welcome to the how to be mesmerizing podcast.
Hey everybody Tim Shurr here, and today, I want to talk about transformational language because it's so important that you are aware that every time you have an interaction with anybody, whether it's a spouse or someone at work or someone at the grocery store, it's kind of like you have this bank account and you're either making deposits or you're making withdrawals and sometimes we're just bouncing checks because we haven't made enough deposits to build trust with that account. So I want you to pay attention to the words that you use when you're communicating with people because those words are either strengthening or weakening the relationship that you have with them.

Trust is the foundation of a successful relationship, a successful company, a successful team. If we don't trust one another, then that's where all the problems occur, that's where the breakdowns occur. So every chance you get, I want you to pay attention to the words that you're using when you are communicating with somebody. After the end of that conversation, do you feel like they are going to leave that conversation and feel like they trust you more. They appreciate you more. They like you more because of how you made them feel or do you think that when they leave that conversation they're going to feel like they were put down or they were criticized or they were made to feel incompetent in some way.
Do you even pay attention to that? Do you even ask yourself those kinds of questions? A lot of times people aren't even thinking about it and that's when the blind spots that we have. So I have many clients that work in many different companies and often they are complaining about their supervisor, their director, some VP that they are interacting with who comes in and starts yelling or starts blaming or starts asking for information and then when it's provided they criticize it or blame others for their mistakes and or they're hovering around their clients.

I have a millennial client who are there, not their client, but they hover around their employees. I have one person who's a millennial and she said that her boss is a helicopter boss right? He's always hovering around her and it makes her feel like he thinks she's incompetent when she's not, she's very successful. And so again I think that people just aren't paying attention for a variety of reasons. We all have our blind spots. If you're watching this video though, you're probably a leader or somebody who really cares about improving their team, improving themselves, improving their communication and achieving goals, right? So you want to be a high achiever in a high performer and the fastest best way of doing that is to build a high performing team of people who collaborate together and who trust one another.
And so the best leaders and the most successful people that I know are always others focus. They're always paying attention to how they're, their interactions with others are affecting other people and they think about the words that they're going to use and whenever there's a problem, it's because of a lack of effective communication.

You know, there's always a communication breakdown, people are just not paying attention. So let me give you an example. So my wife unfortunately is in the middle of passing a kidney stone, which is horrible if you've ever been through that or you know somebody who has. It's awful, nobody wants to pee out a rock right? And so she's in a lot of pain and her normal doctor is on vacation and so she had someone covering, a physician that was covering for them and this physician for whatever reason was just not being supportive because my wife needed a little pain medicine and that person was not providing it. And then finally after several calls suggested that she do a virtual visit because I wasn't going to bring my wife in there again and to the hospital. And so they did a virtual visit.
And one of the comments the doctor made was, well if you're in that much pain, you should go to the ER instead of bothering you know, your your primary physician now when you're in a lot of pain, do you want to be told by a doctor that you're bothering them?

I mean think about that for a second. Yeah. How else can you take that except offensively. Now did the doctor mean to upset or aggravate or frustrate her patient? No she probably intentionally was not thinking "I'm going to tick her off, right, I'm going to cause more aggravation when she's already in pain or stress."
That's probably not her intention. But she was not aware of how her words were so offensive and how they hurt my wife's feelings and when she was already in pain. So that is a clear example of somebody who is not aware of how their words are affecting other people. And if she's doing that with my wife, she's doing it across the board with all of her patients and probably doing that at home as well. And if you confront her, usually someone like that will say, well I didn't mean it that way and that's like saying I don't have to take responsibility for how I come across, I don't have to take responsibility for my words.

Well you don't, if you don't want to be a good leader, you don't, if you don't want to build trust with your patients, you don't have to do that. If you don't care about your reputation or your credibility, you don't have to do any of that stuff. If you don't care about people wanting to mutiny you or leave bad reviews about you or call the your superiors and complain about you or have HR complain, you don't have to think about it, right? You just let that happen, right?
There's a study that says that doctors with people skills are the ones that do not get sued. Whenever doctors get sued, it's almost always because of their bedside manner, right? Because they were rude or they weren't sensitive or they weren't compassionate. And so that's just an example of physicians. But there's a lot of people in corporate America that think that it's about business and not about feelings. It's about getting results and not about relationships. It's about the numbers and the money. It's not about the people and the human capital and those are the worst kinds of leaders because they don't know how to build a collaborative team of people who will give that discretionary effort and who will remain loyal and who will be there for you and for the company because you were there for them and you built that trust and you believed in them.

So it's vitally important that we pay attention to the words that we use. So there are some leaders out there that are just not very effective leaders, but most of us are very good leaders who are making communication errors because we've just never been taught this. We've never, nobody's ever brought it to our attention. And so I've written many articles on transformational language and on blind spots and how to pay attention to how we're coming across to others.
In fact, I'm kind of excited. I just got this USA Today and it's a July edition of USA Today and have my little post it note here because if you open up in the centerfold, it's me, "Mesmerizing leaders are able to build trust." This is my full page article. In fact they gave me three pages in it because they put the second article in there. Sorry, second article in there that I talked about blind spots, how they bite business leaders. And so I actually got three pages in the USA Today, which is awesome and it's all about blind spots and how to be mesmerizing in your communication.

So that was a nice surprise to find into my mailbox. So anyway this really matters. And if you're watching this video you should share it with everybody in your team, everybody in your department, especially leaders. We want to pay attention to the words that we use. So when that doctor said you shouldn't bother anybody, a better use of a better phrase might be well we always are here to make sure that you feel comfortable and if you have questions reach out at any time, if you feel like it's more of an emergency, then we need to make sure that we have some other people that you can reach out to as well for additional support.
See now you're hearing additional support, we're always here for you. You can lean on us whenever you need to as opposed to don't bother us. Who are you supposed to bother when you're sick and you're calling your doctor? All right. So I'll handle that later. So instead of saying things like, you know, this is what you're doing wrong and you need to handle this, you need to do a better job of this.

What you can say in that situation is "Here's some things that we find are not being, you know, or not getting the result that we want. So how can we look at this in a way that would get a better outcome or what can we do together to be able to help you succeed at a higher level? Or how can I support you in achieving this goal? Or is there some other things that I can do to help you as you're going through this, is there's someone else that I can connect you with? It can be a resource for you."
So instead of focusing on our problems, instead of focusing on what's going wrong, instead of focusing on what, you know, the progress that isn't being made. we want to build that trust by focusing on what's possible, what progress is being made and how we can help people to reach their goals instead of constantly telling them that they're not. And what the problem is because people don't hear "This is the problem." What they hear in their mind is "You're a problem." Right? and so we internalize that criticism and that kind of feedback.

And so a lot of times, you know, if people are internalizing the words that you're using when you're communicating with them and then you want those words to be something that builds them up that helps people to feel supported and accepted and encouraged. And that is what builds trust, that's what builds loyalty. So I just want to share that with you so that you pay attention to the words that you use. Remember the words you use. Sometimes people will use words that they're trying to help people to avoid. So I'll say how you doing and you'll say, "You know, not bad, you know, it's not been as stressful as it usually has been."
Well in that sentence. Not bad. it's not as stressful as it usually has been. Your brain hears the word bad and stressful. If you say it's you know, it's not bad, then your brain still here is bad and pushes your cortisol button, which is your stress hormone in your brain, which creates tension and stress if you're feeling tension and stress while you're looking at somebody you're going to associate tension and stress to that person.

So if you say "It's not so stressful", your mind hears the word stressful and that's what it acts upon. If you were to say "It's a pretty good day, things are going smoothly and a lot more calm than normal." Then your brain hears smoothly calm and normal. And it pushes your dopamine button which is your feel good medicine inside of your brain which makes you feel more peaceful and at ease.
If you're feeling more calm, peaceful and at ease while you're having a conversation with somebody then your brain is going to associate that calm smooth a feeling with that person you're communicating with. Now let me ask you this if you are a team leader, do you want your people to associate you with calm and smoothness or do you want people to associate you with bad and stress?
Well when you have those surveys that come around we can both guess which answer you're going to have. And so nobody wants a score that says my leaders always stressing me out. Okay so one of the big reasons why I get called in to work with companies is because they get a low score on "Do you trust your leaders?" And then we come in and we start to update these blind spots and we start to improve communication.

So pay attention to the words that you use. I use this one a lot. If you're a nurse and you say "Honey, you're not going to feel any pain." You know, the one word you hear is pain instead. You would say "You're going to feel more comfortable really soon." Now your mind here is comfortable soon. So pay attention to the words that you're using when you're talking to people again because we're so used to just talking and going and getting things done. We do not pay attention to the choice of words that we are using.
So I highly recommend that you pay attention to those words and you start to think about how are these words affecting the people that I'm communicating with our they lifting them up. Are they making a deposit into my health and happiness account or am I making a withdrawal? Am I stressing people out just because of the words that I'm choosing to use? Okay, so that's what I wanted to share with you today. If you have any questions, please leave a comment or reach out and let me know if you need some help with your individual leadership abilities or skills or outcomes or you want me to work with your team to get the fastest results, then reach out and let me know.

All right, thanks so much and have great day. Talk to you soon. Bye!
Hey, it's Tim you ever wonder why so many talented, hardworking entrepreneurs and business owners struggle with inconsistent self believe or high stress or procrastination or self sabotage? Well, the answer may surprise you and the solution is already inside of you. I've been searching for the answers to this for decades and I found them and I put it into a new program called "The power of your unconscious mind. mental secrets for accelerating success. And because you're a listener, I want to give you a free VIP copy. Head over to and grab your copy today.

How Our Words Impact Others | Tim Shurr
How Our Words Impact Others | Tim Shurr
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