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Ep 50. The Art of Self Love

by Jacqui Brauman
February 26th 2021

For self love month in February, Jacqui speaks with the author of The Art of Self Love, and the host of the Self Love podcast - Kim Morrison! There is so much more to Kim Morrison than meets the ey... More

Welcome to the I. Q. Meets EQ podcast. I'm Jacqui Brauman, principal solicitor of TB A law and Ceo of legally wise women and I'm here with Ush Dhanak former corporate lawyer then head of HR and now an emotional intelligence coach. Morning Ush morning. Oh my God, We're episode 50. Yeah. I know how amazing. Who would have thought two years ago. I know that little message I replied to you on linkedin. Yes. Yes. And how far we've come. I know it's been amazing. So amazing. Beautiful episode for number 50, you know? Yeah, yep. Still focusing on self love, which is and again, just shows how far we've come because two years ago it wouldn't have been a topic that we know much. So yeah, no, I'm excited to get into it too. But also to let everyone know moving forward after episode 50 we're going to pick up the pace and do a mini bite every other week in between the big long format interview. So I hope you'll get a lot out of that Bush and I will alternate those.

So you get a little bit more of an insight of the learnings from us? Yeah, I can't wait. Yeah, no, it'll be fantastic. So how have you been? It feels like a while since we spoke. It's been what, two weeks, right? Yeah. In two weeks? Yeah. No, I'm good. We were both getting quiet. Oh my God tired and a little bit demotivated in our last one. Not in the interview, but just generally that week. So no things have definitely picked up since then feeling a lot better. Energized? And I'm I'm actually part way through the marissa peer abundance challenge? Like it's a 21 day abundance challenge and I'm on day 14 and it's been phenomenal, like it's only like about six minutes a day or something that you do plus a bit of a hypnosis twice a week, but it's been great because it really falls into the theme of self laugh, but it's really around how we tell ourselves these stories that everyone else can be successful, but it's never going to work for us, right? That's such a story, isn't it? And it's really fascinating.

And she said this one thing that I've just got to share with our viewers because it was sort of my highlight of the week and she said, you know how we have these awful stories about how we're not worthy of earning money or charging money right for our services and you know, we say there's not enough money, we're not worthy of the money, we can't charge that much, we're not worth that much. So she said just replace the word money for the word energy and then she goes, say out loud and I'm like there's not enough energy in the world, I don't deserve the energy and I'm like, oh my God, that sounds really, really like stupid, but it sounds really pathetic, right? And then she's like, well, but that's all money is so why do you feel you are less worthy of it than anyone else. And I'm like, oh my God, that's so true. So it's so true. And funny enough after listening to that actually just put in a proposal yesterday for this project piece, a client who wants a piece on retention and some coaching and I literally added a couple of grand to the fee and I thought, you know what, I'm just going to listen to Maria Morris appears meditation and then hit my proposal good on you.

That's a great reframe. Absolutely. I've been pushing forward a bit more too because after the fairly flat, january and slow, slow start energetically it's been flat out but not very motivating. I'm well and truly into the writing and development of the last course in legally wise women before it fully launches. So how to negotiate to get what you want is on its way to being, which is really cool. And I've set up a few meetings with a couple of community legal centers and with my local state mp to talk them through what I'm doing to get some support and get some introductions to potential refers into it. And so yeah, the unmet legal needs of all these women out there at the moment. There is a resource coming and it's not far away amazing. When are you want the launch official launch date, you got a date in mind for when you want it out.

Look probably after easter because March is now just going to fly. So I haven't actually set a date yet. But yeah, after easter. Yeah, so it is all coming together. So look, let's jump into our guests today because we're both excited about having kim Morrison on kIM has done a million things and her wisdom comes through and it really is, there's so much to pull out of this and I don't think we'll do it justice in our chat after see how we go. So kim was the youngest female to run 100 miles in less than 24 hours back in the mid eighties. She married then an international new Zealand cricketer and all the ups and downs of that lifestyle Went around the world training and speaking for a big aromatherapy company and then started her own company in 2008.

But that is more than just aromatherapy and skincare Now, it's also because she talks about all the modalities. She's learned some really deep coaching programs that she does as well. So just an amazing woman and she wrote the art of self love that is her book. So she's perfect guest for self love and she runs the self love podcast. So she is the self love woman herself. Let's have a listen. She is kim Morrison Welcome so much to the podcast. How are you? I'm very well, thank you, very honored to be here. I'm so pleased to be able to get you on in self love month because you are the self love lady. Um So I first saw you onstage at an event in Shepperton and I bought your book the art of self love and then admittedly sat on it for about 18 months. But I've come back around to it and obviously it's come to me at the right time. But before we jump into all your learnings around self love, I'd like to go back in time to when you were little and what you actually wanted to be when you were growing up.

It's cute, isn't it? I've always wanted to be a net baller. I wanted to run for new Zealand, sorry, play network for new Zealand and I wondered who would have thought I'd end up running for Australia. But I also wanted to be a lawyer or a vet. That's what I wanted to do when I grow up. Right, very diverse. That's for sure. But ambitious to Yeah. And finally, none of it actually came to fruition except the running for Australia. So yeah, it's a very, it's beautiful to have big goals and dreams and I always say to people, it doesn't matter what your vision and your goal is always be open and flexible to the possibility that things change and that's really the most beautiful part that every goal I've ever set has actually come out usually quite differently to how the the original goal was set and the intent, but the motivation and the drive and the desire doesn't change for me. Yeah, and I mean, your path then, which I'll ask you about in a second is just the epitome of that your ability to be flexible and adaptable and jump at whatever comes to you without sort of setting yourself in stone so much that something derails you, you're so resilient.

But yes, please tell me how that path then wove all the way to where you are now. I think I've always felt that I don't know about you, but there was a film many, many years ago called sliding doors with Gwyneth Paltrow in it and what I got from that was that basically there was two ways the film went when she got on the train and when she didn't get on the train and it followed her pathway both ways, as if she had made either choice and ultimately the end, it ended up the same. So for me that kind of cemented for me my belief that what I meant to be doing will show up and how I'm meant to be doing that is not up for debate, how I do something is the universe taking care of it, but my intent and my delivery around what I do to do that will keep showing up and of course things happen along the way. And So, you know, when I didn't make it into the New Zealand under 21 side for netball, I, my other love, I did, I started law school, I went to law school for, for six months and then realized that actually wasn't me.

And a job opportunity came up and travel and I took the job and that just seemed way more adventurous and exciting. And after a couple of years of travel, I realized I wanted to travel more. So that led me to winning a trip to Perth, where I happened to meet this delicious sportsman playing cricket for new Zealand. And that's another story in itself. But it kind of trajectory me onto another path where I then decided to meet him in Melbourne for the new Zealand versus Australia Boxing Day test match in 1987. So I sold my car, I quit my job and took a one way ticket to Melbourne. And while I was in Melbourne, I realized traveling with him in the New Zealand cricket team for three weeks, I realized that actually he wasn't ready. I was 19, he was 21, he wasn't ready. I knew he was the love of my life. I told everybody else wanted his babies, but he wasn't ready for that. And so we actually went our separate race and I knew the best thing I could do for me was to feed and fuel my own tank, learn for myself, become a woman who has her own interests and become something else.

And there's no accidents, the gymnasium that I was working in because I have a passion for health and fitness. I was working in a gymnasium in Melbourne and right next door was a natural therapies college. And in the window was a 10 week massage and aromatherapy course. I had 100 and $80 in my bank account. I called the course cost $160. I just knew that's what I wanted to do. And the smell the aroma. When I walked in I just got very interested in essential oils, which led me down the path of aromatherapy. And three years later I had diplomas in aromatherapy, remedial therapy, sports therapy, home, botanical therapy, counseling, fitness, leadership, personal training. Look what I found, the more I learned, the more I didn't know and but everything kind of stayed in that same pattern of health and fitness. And then, you know, four years later, within that four year period, the cricket, I decided that I was the one for him and I ended up quitting everything. The school that I was running, Everything that I was teaching in Melbourne and returned to New Zealand and it's while I was there, he still had another six years of his career to go.

But I got to travel and look after him. Got super passionate about nutrition and how to feed this athlete and make sure his body stayed fit and healthy, but also helped with the mindset and using oils and then I studied NLP and hypnotherapy and just started going into more personal growth stuff. And again, I've probably over the last 30 years spent probably around a quarter of a million dollars on my own personal programs, workshops, you know, different courses I've taken because one thing just keeps leading to another and even though I may not know exactly where I'm going, I trust my gut and my intuition and my heart that this is going to help the bigger picture. And then when we had our first baby in 2000 and 1998, we then had second baby quite close. And I said to a girlfriend, I feel like we were asked to write an article for a leading magazine in New Zealand and I just said to her actually I think there's more than an article, I think we should write a book and like all good girlfriends, she said sure. And so while we had two young babies breastfeeding our second Children, we decided to embark on writing a book.

And a year later our first book, like Chocolate for Women was launched in New Zealand. It went on to be a beautiful international bestselling book. It was all about essential oils, but it was also about the self care. Everything I was writing about was the time that we were in it. So with young babies trying to keep our self worth, our self esteem, trying to understand parenthood and nappies and and husbands away and all of that. So that book was really then, which then led us into the second book contract with our publishers which was a book that we called like an apple a day which broke into three areas the body the mind and the skin which we loved because flu was a beauty therapist. I was an aroma therapist which led to years later into a book that we wrote whilst working for a beautiful natural therapy company called About Face How to look and feel. 10 years younger naturally, which looked at all the plant botanicals and extracts and things that make beautiful skin care and all through that was obviously my love of essential oils. I was chosen by a company in Australia to be their international presenter.

Never wanted to speak publicly. Always thought that was my greatest fear. And that led me all down a pathway of learning how to speak, how to present how to be authentic and real. And also hold it together with my nerves and all of those sorts of things. And then when Danny's career finished, we just decided that we you know that I wanted to Well sadly we went through a bit of a tough time, we lost our house and a property deal that went wrong. Danny lost his sister tragically to suicide. We were throughout this bubble we had been in all of a sudden burst and now we were confronted with you know, Danny's depression and his, you know, who is he now. He wasn't an international cricketer anymore. You know, for many athletes, once they're finished in their thirties, they don't know who they are anymore. And that's no disrespect to them. I completely appreciate what that must feel like. So we decided after a number of other things that kept seemingly going wrong in the eyes of the perspective of what I was looking at, we decided to uproot ourselves and move to the Sunshine Coast in Australia.

And I know Cyndi O'Meara, the nutritionist here in Australia who thinks very differently. She is a beautiful friend of mine and I started helping her in her business. And within six months I knew I had to launch my business and that's when we launched a year later, We launched 28 essentials, which is a skin care and aromatherapy company. But that was just after the 2008 09 share market crash. And I had to find $40,000 to pay for all these oils and the book that we just rewritten like chocolate for women would put all three books together. And oh, Jackie, it was such a it was such a horrific thing. You know, you try to do a great thing and then you get whacked with this hideousness and we had no money, we had lost everything. So then I, you know, I can tell that later, but I just went on a pathway of learning how to be very resilient and very resourceful how to ask for things kind of told a few little white lies to a few banks where I could I got two lots of $2,000 credit cards to pay for everything.

It was just it's honestly when I look back on it, I think gosh I was so bold and brave And a little bit naive obviously, but we launched 28 essentials 12 years ago and it's now my baby flew, returned to New Zealand I've twice since then gone to quit my business if I'm really honest because it's so tough paying wages and looking after people and constantly having the drain of you know expenses and marketing and how to show up on social media and it just got so overwhelming for me with teenagers and and all of the things that we were going through plus you know, our marriage was on the rocks after everything. It was so challenging to lose all our money and everything we've worked so hard for And so lots of years of therapy and all the things that I've been learning and all the tools and resourcefulness that I had really taken on board all of a sudden got thrown into a major reality and practicing what I had learned and preached.

So yeah, we threw patients, tenacity, resilience, love forgiveness, all of these things and then my beautiful son at 16 years of age was going through a really tough time and ended up in the end of our bed, Danny's away seven or eight months of the year, he's now cricket commentator. My daughter appeared, she's a year and a half older than Jacob. All four of us were on the bed and my son was in tears and just said his life sucked, he hated who he was, what he was about. And I was just confronted with the reality of now my son not knowing who he is and what he wants. And of course as moms, we just think our Children are amazing, they're so beautiful. He is just such a magical soul as my daughter, but he didn't believe that and there was no accidents, Jackie, I had been you know researching what, why do people go through struggle, Why do people have to go through so many, you know, hit walls and and find it doesn't matter whether it's a small thing, a fallout with a friend which may not feel small in the moment or it could be a big thing losing your house or it could be losing your job or a you know, a tragedy in the family or an illness like there are so many ways we can feel like we've been hit with a mack truck.

It's not funny and I just didn't know what to do. So for three years, up until that point of Jacob sitting on the end of my bed. I had downloaded every talk by Anthony Robbins, Oprah dr brian weiss, Deepak chopra Christiane Northrup like every single person who I loved and looked up to, I transcribed all of these talks john O'Donoghue and I just, I kept looking and I kept trying to find a pathway to get through the tough times and that's how my beautiful last book, the art of self love was born after I explained the six step pathway to Jacob as he sat there I knew I couldn't save him, I knew I couldn't take away his pain but I could give him some of the things that I had learned and then it was up to him what he did with that and as a mom I had to let it go whatever way he chose. But at the end of explaining that six step pathway he just looked at me and said mom I've never had anyone explain it like that, you've got to write a book.

So yeah that's how I am and where I am 28 still kicking on, I've got a new beautiful business partner, we have branches in new Zealand and Australia and I have this beautiful book and I have mentorship programs, I do one on one coaching and and yeah I've used all of those experiences and resourcefulness to now teach and support other people to do the same. Yes I just love this story and yeah I was gonna say bringing it back around to now doing the mentoring programs that you're doing because you have just developed so many tools and modalities and things to um to help externally, but now your your success six step system um gives a pathway to fit those modalities in with a deeper sense of awareness and I think what I've learned is the intent that has to be in that six step process.

And to be honest, I think that I sat on the book for so long because I thought that it was going to be more about the self care stuff and you know, as a fairly high performing person, I've got all the list of the things that I need to do in a day and yes, there's the exercise and there's the eating well and there's the sleeping well and all of those things and to me, those things while they could be self care were just a list of things to do. So there was no intent behind any of that stuff which is really self care was just, I've got a ticket off and if it's not ticked off, then I'll beat myself up about not taking it off. So in fact, the first half of your book is all about you talking through all those self sabotaging things that we do in our own heads that prevent us from even getting into the six steps, which I think was my the turning point. So you know this, this journey to come and actually learn your book has come at such the right time.

So thank you so much for that. I just don't know what the question in all that little rant was except I guess when, because you've been in a similar spot as well where you've been very self critical and you've been able to find the pathway through how and and and yeah, How I think one of the first steps that the first step is one of the most important, which is self awareness, awareness, that you're not in a good place, awareness that you're not doing it the way you'd like to awareness that sometimes we inverted commas fail, although I don't believe there's any failure, there's only feedback. So we beat up on ourselves and then we carry this thing called guilt, which you know, it's a very interesting thing as moms as women, as workers. We seem to, I don't know, and I think guilt is actually a mask for not feeling good enough and for believing we can't have it all or feeling bad if we do have it all, you can't win.

It's almost like you society expects us to, you know, to to champion on and soldier on and and if someone is doing really well or someone isn't a great time of their life. Often people will turn around and go, it's alright for them, but no one has realized that the urban flow, the highs and lows that everybody, it's just that when you're at a low in your life you seem to notice everybody else being so bloody happy and great and when you're happy and great, you don't notice the people though because you're vibrating at such a high level that you just, you're on top of the world. So often the two worlds don't meet and I think that self awareness is realizing that in order to have the highs of life, we must experience the opposing polarity of the low. We cannot experience love without understanding fear. We cannot have nighttime without understanding and appreciating daytime. You cannot have a shadow without a golden shadow. So there's all these aspects of us. But there's always a polarizing thought even down to the whether or not the listeners of this, I want to get a vaccine for instance with Covid or not get a vaccine doesn't matter which end of the stick your on.

We've got to realize that it's all the same stick. So it's just a case of which end we're on and and sometimes those those thoughts, beliefs and values can move according to our experiences or things happening in our world. So I think the biggest thing out of all that, the how you do it is the realization that it's all a process that everything takes time that you can't just instantly be happy after something you've gone through or if you are, there may be some, you may be covering it up or the realization as a human is sometimes we mask to get on because there's no point carrying our baggage around and here's the other reality. I hate to say it, but no one else actually really cares when you're really done that, you know we all do, we care for each other we are looking at. But really what we really want is everyone to be happy. So if you are really down in the dumps, no one else is actually really, really caring the way you do and no one will have the investment in your recovery the way you do. So we come into this world alone.

We leave alone and going through our battles. We in fact have to do alone. Yes, we can have support and love and energy from other people and coaches and mentors and you know oils and herbs and all of the other modalities that can support us but no one is going to do the work except you, which is what the first three steps are self awareness. The second one is always self care most of us. When we're beating up on ourselves, we're going through a tough time, you may drink yourself into oblivion over eat the wrong foods. Self sabotage yourself more. Be cruel to yourself, be mean to others like you know, you're in a world of pain so we become almost venomous to ourselves and others as well. So self care to me is the second most important step. But then the third step, it is what I was just talking about and that is the self discipline. If you don't have the discipline to work through this, if you don't show up for yourself every day, who the hell else is going to do it for you? If you don't believe in yourself getting through this, who the hell else is going to believe in that. So, ultimately, at the end of the day, if you find yourself blaming life or others or externally looking out and looking at everyone else, thinking it's all right for them, you are at effect, you are not at cause you are blaming the outward experiences instead of taking accountability and responsibility and ownership for what, even if it's not your fault for the pain, you're going through someone's just left you, you're responsible and accountable and have to take ownership for the way you react or respond to that.

So it doesn't matter. You could throw me a million scenarios and I will still say these gifts to you and I say that and it really come as gifts. They are gifts and opportunities, even though some of you, if you're listening to this right now, and you're in the depths of pain, are going to want to throw, you know, the the laptop or the computer or the phone away right now. But it's not until we have hindsight and we've processed everything that we can look back and say actually, if it wasn't for that, I wouldn't be who I am today. Maybe this is part of my sliding doors experience, maybe that was meant to happen so that I could show up this way and for many people you might find the same thing happens wrong over and over again. It's because you're not learning the tool or the lesson. So the universe will keep providing it for you until you show up differently. And so many people will say, you know, I tried to change the world, but it wouldn't change until I change myself and then the world changed with me. It's all about our perspective, the meaning we put into things and how we take action as opposed to blaming or being in denial or making excuses.

So in in in other words, my athlete mentality has really shown me that it doesn't matter. I have to show up every single day and the best way possible. And Jackie, some days those days are lying on my bathroom floor in the fetal position and crying. That's my best version of me that day. That's a release. It's a process. And I can forgive myself a feeling that some days I've yelled at my kids and been an awful mother in those but it's not days, it's moments when I'm awful, my daughter said to me once, mom, it's not a bad life just a bad moment and I just thought you're so right. But our perspective is that our life sucks or it's not fair when we have those feelings. It's very hard to then create more of an emotional intelligence around a better decision that we make. And we also have to remember when emotions are high intelligence is very low. So we have to give ourselves the space to process those emotions. And you know, one of my therapist said to me and she was so right, kim you have to feel it to heal it.

And as humans, we will do anything to avoid pain and we're more motivated towards pleasure. But you've got to realize the juice, the real work, the real lessons and tools are in doing the work and actually facing and leaning into the pain as you process it. Yes, so profound. And then of course your other three steps in the six steps is self discipline. Self control. And you can't have, as you say, it has to start with self awareness because you can't have self discipline or self control without the awareness. And I guess back to what I was saying before, like I was doing some self care steps without any self awareness and just with the guilt and the negativity, like you have to you have to do these things because this is what it takes to be a healthy person, not, I want to be a healthy person because I love and respect who I am, it wasn't from that place at all.

You know, that's such a common thing. It is such a common theme that we, as women in particular have to do lists as you mentioned, but you've got to, you know, I always say for what purpose and keep asking yourself for what purpose, for what purpose, for what purpose. So if you want to have better sleep for what purpose, not just because it's part of being healthy, but because you wake up with more energy, you have you make better decisions, you know that when you make better decisions, you actually create more and when you create more you gift more and when you gift more, your higher purpose of making a difference in another human's life is actually what gets you up each day. So unless you work through the higher purpose or the higher reasoning then the big why you do this gets missed and that's the juice, that's the part of being human that makes us so vulnerable and so incredibly powerful and you're right, I feel the first three steps are the do I call that doing the work? You have to do the work. But as you do more discipline and with discipline it means, you know, showing up for yourself using your oils or herbs, maybe going to a chiropractor or osteopath or whatever your adjustments are to help, you may be taking on some coaching, Maybe a new program, nothing happens in life without discipline.

So to me it's probably one of the most important steps. But the more you practice the discipline of that, the more self control. And when I say self control, I don't mean you have to control yourself and others. You have more control over your reaction to what happens in life. You have way better control over the decisions and taking a moment to think about your next step. You have more self control in what you speak and how you deliver yourself because you're doing it now from a masterful place rather than a reactive place and with more self control that feeds into the next step, which is self respect. And when we have self respect, I can promise you there's no way you would be doing a tick off list without hard work because that's not respecting your true whole self might be ticking off a few lists as far as jobs to be done. But is it encompassing the spiritual, the emotional and the beautiful part of your your soul. You know, Is it feeding that you can't I just don't believe you can have one without all the others or they will be sacrificed in spite of the others if you don't show up for them all and with self respect.

You know, there's a word in new Zealand which I absolutely love. A pacific word, which is manna and manna means, you know, the power within the love within the respect for self is what mana means. And when you have that manner, people won't muck you about, people won't irritate you, people won't trigger you the way they have, you won't trigger yourself because you know that when you respect yourself, you have all the inner resources you possibly need when you have true love for yourself, you know, you've got everything within you to do whatever you dream of, it's just whether or not you choose to tap into it and self respect means, you know, there's no way I would put coke or diet coke Or things. I would, I just wouldn't put that into my body. I respect my 50 trillion cells so much that I know as an example, that's just not something that I would do yet. Other people might go, well diet coke is better than normal coke or coke better than diet coke and they reason with it.

But I think if we were all truly honest, there's no room for coke in this world. There really isn't. So from a health perspective, when you really respect yourself, you actually take it down, You go the other way from your higher purpose into a real beautiful little micro part of you which is how is that serving me? How am I getting the best for my little 50 trees. I see myself as 50 trillion cells walking around and every one of those cells needs love and every one of those cells needs beautiful nutrition. Every one of those cells need oxygen. But every one of those cells needs me to vibrate at a higher frequency which is love and respect and kindness. Self worth. And sometimes that means getting angry. Sometimes that means being piste off. Sometimes that means I'm standing up for yourself. Sometimes that means fallout with people. Sometimes that means drawing lines in the sand, That is all part of it. I never want to diminish anger. If you suppress anger, it will be expressed somewhere else. So, you know, we have to remember again the polarity of everything.

If you think you should always be nice then at some point, anger or frustration or hate is going to show up for you somewhere. So remember all humans have all traits. We have all possibilities of all ways of being. That is self respect. And then when we have self respect, The sixth step is self acceptance. That's accepting who I am, warts and all. It's accepting the fact that some days I'm amazing. And some days I just don't just not firing and on those days it's my body saying to me, could you just take a rest or could you just be a little bit more gentle today? Or could you get to bed early tonight or could you just have a green smoothie for dinner tonight? Could you not drink alcohol for me? When we have brain fog and aches and pains and not sleeping and stress and high anxiety instead of beating up on that beautiful body, your body is actually talking to you. She or he is giving you signals to be mindful. And if you're not noticing little taps it will whack you. And if you don't notice the wax where you trip and injure yourself or you've got a full on flu or something happens, then I promise you the mack truck will hit you, something will give way.

So you just gotta, I always say to myself, is this a tap a whack or a Mac? And I think sometimes it's really important to know that all three of them but you don't want to get to whack and Mac level because sometimes, but then again I say, but then when that happens, there's another opportunity for growth and expansion and all of those six steps to me lead into self love and here's the cool thing. Now we're happy life, great. Everything's ticking along. But I can promise you anyone listening to this, anyone going through a really tough time right now, I've got some advice for you. This too shall pass. And then for those of you that are in a really good space in your life right now and you're just you know, you're really on top of this and you're really hearing and resonating it. I've got some advice for you to this too shall pass. So life is never the same, it's ever changing and it's just making sure when your when life is good, you keep building on those resources being prepared so that the problems seem smaller than what they would without of lack of preparation or lack of resourcefulness or lack of emotional intelligence.

So I really believe that all of it and every time a challenge comes, I believe every time that occurs to you, what it does is makes what I call the self love circle bigger, it becomes more expanded. There's a bigger, better version of yourself comes out the other side of that and if you choose to look at life in that way, then I promise you the world actually responds and the universe gives you back a way bigger world in return. So it really is about your awareness and your acceptance of self within those six steps that really does resonate not only your emotional and vibrational frequency, but also how other people show up in your life to Yeah, Yeah. I really feel what you're saying that the circle gets bigger, but I almost picture it as like an increasing spiral that's getting bigger and bigger and you can get back out of the spiral, but it doesn't mean you have to start right at the bottom again. You can just jump back in where the progress is that you've made. I feel like like I'm going in the tight little circles down the bottom at the moment and hopefully it starts working up.

I know I keep getting spat out at self discipline and that I think is as you said before, a lot of women do it. It's probably there the spot where I'm not disciplined in myself to stop that horrible voice in my head that is being so critical and nasty and you've got to remember that beautiful voice is just as important as the one saying you're amazing. So when that voice shows up and says something critical, you know, he's, you know, from a quantum physics point of view, it's quite interesting, who is that saying that? And if you're listening to it, who's speaking and then if you're speaking it, who's listening to it? And so ultimately, you know, it's just a beautiful way of being reminded. So an example, as I share it in the book, my grandmother and I were driving down the freeway and she always would put a hand on my lap and go a penny for your thoughts, love. And and I said to her this particular day, oh grandma, I can't talk about this one, It's really bad.

And the two Children were little in the back seat, maybe seven or 87 and eight and I said, I can't because you know, a problem shared is a problem half solved. And I just said, oh grandma, I keep having this horrible vision that I'm going to have a head on car accident that I'm going to have an accident with my Children or I could hurt them or I'd be killed or honestly it was just this ridiculous came from a dream. And then I thought and she goes, oh dear. And I said and then I've read this book called The Secret and it's all about the law of attraction. The more you think that the more you attract it. And I'm freaking out. And she went, oh darling, you've got to remember that they're just the angels speaking to you. And and when you have a fearful thought around having an accident, oh no darling, it's just the angels reminding you to drive more carefully because if they were being nice to you you wouldn't hear it. Sometimes we have to hear the negative voice in order to work out. And then I went on a journey of self discovery asking psychotherapists, psychologists, all these people, why do we have negative thoughts? Why do we have struggle? Why do we have instantly think the worst?

And it is actually an intrinsically built survival instinct. We had to think the worst to survive. We had to be on alert in case the saber toothed tiger came. We had to be aware that there could be a famine. So all of those intrinsic skills to become an amazing human is there the problem in today's day and age is we didn't do what our forefathers and mothers did, which was as soon as the scare was over our parasympathetic nervous system kicked back in and we relaxed and we went into rest and digest state, but we've stayed in high alert in the red zone. We've stayed on vital flight and then we get more anxious and the more anxious we get, the more we don't think and the more we don't breathe properly and the more we don't breathe, the more we don't sleep in, the more we don't sleep and here we are again. So remember that critical, that inner critic, that that voice that it's just a beautiful, maybe it's an angel asking you to look at its opposing force. Maybe it's saying, you know, if it might be, I don't think I'm good enough to speak in front of 500 people, I don't think I can do it, I can't do it.

Oh my God, you're gonna make a fool of yourself. You're useless. You're hopeless. Whenever you ever done this before, I don't know whatever the chatter is, you take a deep breath and say welcome. I'm really glad you showed up. Yeah. What if I did make a fool in front of myself in front of 500 people? Well, I've made a fool of myself other times and I'm still here. If I didn't find a 500 people. One of the best things to do is to actually take the mickey out of myself when I do that, or you know, I've said accident, I've said, I've made a faux pas at weddings and because I'm a celebrant. I've done, I've made mistakes when I was about spoken on stage in front of five or 600 people. And all I do is look up at the audience and go, well, that went down well, this was actually what I meant to say. And I'm just, I learned the art of authenticity and being real. Now, if I can handle that, thanks and a critic for reminding me that if that happens, I now know to switch on that flick and know how to handle that. Or what if I get asked a question, I don't know how to answer. So I asked one of my teachers, what do you do?

And you get asked a question that you can't answer. The whole audience is looking at you, you're seen as the expert, but you can't answer it. And she gave me the best advice ever. You say that's a great question and that you obviously know a lot about the subject. But in the context of today's talk, I'm gonna save that for the break and I'll talk to you at the back of the room. Thank you so much for your question, gives you the space doesn't make you look like a fool and you also get the opportunity to go and look it up if you've forgotten or you get to talk to the person one on one because you've got to remember these people in the audience that want to be seen and heard. And and it's how do you control this with love and affection and kindness instead of feeling like people are beating up on you or being negative or awful? Including that in a voice. So I loved that. What grandma said that it's the angels that we pay attention to the negative way more than the positive. So that in a critic we're going to pay attention to that. So now how do we serve it? What's it really trying to say? What is its purpose? What is the higher purpose of that voice? Those words?

Why is it there? It's to remind me that actually, today, even though I didn't complete my list of things that I needed to do for myself care, I'm actually gonna sit here and do a 12th meditation on myself by saying I love you no matter what. And today, maybe it was just about being gentle and as quiet as possible. And tomorrow is a new day. I've just really learned the art of forgiveness of myself and others, other people who hurt me or say things maybe on social media or you have a fallout with your partner or a friend or a colleague or a client or something. You've got to remember. There's a lesson in everything. What's my learning from it not? What did they say and how dare they, but why am I getting triggered by it? What can I do with it? Why is it upsetting me? That's the work, that's the discipline. Why is that in a critic showing up? I haven't actually told myself how much I love myself too. I haven't actually given myself some space to ground and earth on the, on the grass today.

Hmm. I haven't booked a massage in a very long time. I've been not eating very well lately. There's always just like their little, that's what I call the taps. The inner critic is one of the taps and you want to listen to her but not live through her and and be mindful of her lessons for you, not the actual words that she or he is saying You've shared so much wisdom with us today, Kim and I appreciate it so much. And one of the last questions I often asked is what advice you'd give to your 21 year old self. Yet you've given us the advice you gave to your 16 year old son and then written the book afterwards. Is there anything Any other wisdom that you think your 21 year old self needed to hear or would have listened to at the time? Or did she really need to go through her sliding doors to come to the point you're at regardless For me at 21 I was running for Australia and I was running in 24 hour races and 12 hour races and talk about.

Get to know yourself and hear that in a critic and the body hurts and you know there is so much you get to know about yourself but I remember a couple of things in that and this is a beautiful thing. The race is not always to the swift but to those that keep on running so you don't have to be the quickest and the best and the fastest, you just gotta keep going. The other one that I would say is that it's 90% mental and 10% physical, you know everything, you know, life is 10% what happens to me but 90% how I react to it. And then finally I would say I'm such a quote girl and my kids get bombarded with quotes and texts every day and we, that's one of our language is how we share our love with each other is if we, any of us find it or a favorite song or quote from a song that's just because sometimes a quote just encapsulates everything. But probably one of my favorite things, I would love to leave and there is no accident, whoever is listening to this right now. But I'm saying this from my heart to yours. If we can really focus on our personal self growth and development, if we really know that every bad thing is just an opportunity for growth and every challenge is an opportunity to create more in a resourcefulness for the next thing or to help someone else, if you really focused on that instead of the outward world and all the things that are happening to you and realize that life is working for you not to you is one of the most profound steps you could take but also this beautiful quote all finished with this, that you can really keep that spark alive in yourself, you know and always nurture that self, that little part inside of you, that deserves every bit of your love and attention, respect, discipline and care and all of the awareness and acceptance possible, then you know that this quote will ring true if there is light in the soul, there is beauty in the person, if there is beauty in the person, there is harmony in the home, if there's harmony in the home, there is order in the nation, if there's order in the nation, there is peace in this world.

So it's never about the outside, it's all about the inside and every challenge. Every moment that scares you or freaks you or upsets you is part of your growth and remember it's just part of one of the sliding doors, you'll still end up in the best place possible but it can be even better when you're aware of the choices and decisions you make that make the pathway so much more pleasurable, Thank you so much. So what's the first thing that jumps out at your wish. Ah so two words and sort of opposite words if you think about it on an EQ spectrum of what people might think that is the, is vulnerability and resilience. So I think just, you know, just listening to her, open her heart to what was going on for her and how she was feeling, you know, from the loss of all of the financial side, to the turbulence of the relationship, to sitting on the edge of the bed with her son, right? Like I'm listening to that going, oh my God, like I just, yeah, it's just, it was just so nice to hear that vulnerability, but then it was really strongly followed up with that real sense of resilience to go, you know, I'm going to equip myself with everything I need to know about to be able to get out of this space with all the modalities that she had.

So I just think, yes, I can't wait to meet her now. It's incredible. She is an incredible woman. You're right. And she has looked around for all the tools to be able to help herself because she gave herself enough self respect to understand that. You know, she she needed that. Whereas I think so many people don't have the tools and don't have the desire to find them because they like the drama and the wallowing maybe a little bit because I think most of us are resourceful enough. The things are not hard to learn. So have you had a rock bottom where you're laying on the bathroom floor? No, it's funny you say that actually because when she said that I'm like, oh my God, I haven't had mine yet. But it's really weird with me. Like I feel the emotion but I'm not a crier and I haven't had that release yet that she really talks about where she said it's really healing and I get that.

But it's just not me. Like I feel it and expressed it in different ways. But mm hmm. Yeah, maybe maybe I'm going to have one but I haven't had one yet. No, I'm the same in that I don't cry when I'm down and anxious. I get really quiet. And I have had those rock moment bottoms on the, the bottom of the shower floor quite regularly and looking back on them. I don't really know why it was so bad. So, I suppose just some of the mental load of not feeling all that supported. And I'd quite regularly do it a few years ago. Almost every morning on the floor of the shower just get down on my knees in the fetal position and just ask for the strength to get through the day and I would just wish that time would stop. Yeah. I didn't want to have to get out of the shower and do the rest of the day? Science. Mm hmm.

That is is it. Did you find it releasing though to be in that state and then get up and then do your day. Yeah. I don't Yeah. In a way it was because it was I wasn't alone because like kim says ultimately we are ultimately alone. And there's and there's no one else really that cares deeply as much as we do about ourselves. So to ask something greater for help and strength was about all I could do. Like I couldn't ask anyone else to help because there's nothing anyone else could do. No. Mm hmm. And that's the thing, isn't it? Like you have people around you that say, what can I do? I know when I split up from my from my ex it was, you know, a couple people like what can we do? But in that moment in time there isn't anything anyone can do. And sometimes it's a case of holding space. You don't want the advice because you sort of know you processed it. You're aware of what you feel and you don't need someone around you.

And for me, it's it's interesting like I've had that self awareness piece and I and if we look at her six stages, I sort of move through the first stages pretty quickly where I got the soft awareness, I understand where I am, I understand where I need to be and then the moment I understand where I need to be. I get into action. So I'm just like, okay, now, what is it that I do? I don't like sitting in that feeling more than a couple of days. So I sort of give myself a couple of days to feel share a couple of days to feel whatever it is that that horrible feeling is, but then I almost literally put a timer on it and go right by Tuesday morning I'm done and I'm going to pick up and I'm going to move because I know where I need to get to and if I don't move then no one's going to help me like exactly what she was saying, that no one's gonna pick me up and go, take this next step, it's on us, it's really on us. And then I think, you know, I look at you and I'm like, you know, what would she expect me to do? So, you know, there's a big sense of responsibility there to go there, there is this person that looks at you, you know, it's, that sounds very cliche, you know, we hear about all those memes that, you know, there's another person they're looking, but they do, they observe you, they see you, they pick up your mood, they pick up your energy and then I don't want to put, you know, those sorts of things on her or those paradigms on her and I don't think it's a case of pretending or, you know, putting on a face mask in front of your child, but it's a case of going, you know what, Yeah, it's been a really crap few days, but I'm okay and I'm going to move forward with that what she calls that self discipline right of deciding what I'm going to do to fix this.

And I think it's important for kids to see that adults can have down moments, but it doesn't mean that it's the end of the world that you still get on and you recover because if people just sweep things under the rug and kids never learn that it's not necessarily going to be helpful. And it's like you were saying, right, it's that if you don't express that emotion, it will come up in other ways that it comes up, you know, in ways that are like physical or for me, the way it comes up, I'm really aware of mine is reaction to the disproportionate to the situation. So I've had moments where I see all something and I go, wow, that's really not in proportion to what's happened. So that's just all of my overflow of emotions coming out in that one moment in time for that situation that it shouldn't be mm mm I love that kim talked about the concept of a tap a whack or a MAC, depending on how closely you listen and maybe that's why you haven't had immensely low moments because you listened to the taps because you're so much more connected.

Whereas, well, I certainly haven't had a mack truck and nor review, but I've had a couple of wax because I quite don't often learn the lesson the first time. Yeah. And I think for me it's the, if we go back to, we talked about this before with our listeners, but about our daily habits, right? So I find that because I meditate daily and I do my affirmations religiously every single day that it prevents that Mac happening because you're almost self regulating and course correcting a little bit every day. It doesn't mean that the day is going to be amazing, but it means that you are, you're aware of your your stance, your being, your feeling your emotion and how you are physically. Yes, I think just doing something that is a little bit of self love for you daily will prevent that well with the intent, which I think comes back to it because I often add in all these little rituals into my day. But I don't do it with the intent that you do it quite often. I've just done it because I should be doing it.

So it goes on the list of things to do and then I beat myself up if I don't do them. So, you know, like the exercise in the morning and the grounding in the morning and the eating well during the day and getting seven hours of sleep and all those things like I do all that because I know it's a task that I have to do, but I don't do it in the intent of self love, I do it because I'm beating myself up that if I don't do it, I'm a bad person sometimes with that, with with some of those not doing it then, because what you're doing is you're not present really, you're not you're doing it as another option. I'm going to take this off my list before or as part of my day, whereas for me, it used to be like that, but then you will shift, but then you got to pick what works for you. So if you is exercised right, and I'm sure you don't exercise because it's a tick you exercise because it makes you feel good and you enjoy it. So I think it's a case for me it's meditation. So for me it's like as important as brushing my teeth or having a shower, like that's the level of, you know, um and you know, when we're learning about this, they say it's a habit, but then it becomes a ritual where it really becomes part of your day and your routine and it's something that you can't really go without.

So, and I think the other thing that's helped me because people say, how do you always always make time for it and I'll always say it doesn't have to be done the same time every day, like ideally it does, but then I don't put that pressure on myself. So like yesterday I didn't meditate till four in the afternoon because it was just a busy day. Didn't get home till Until four. And I thought, Okay, now I've got the time before I do a call or make my dinner, I'm going to meditate. So I meditated for about 10 minutes, doesn't have to be long. And then my affirmations are 20 minutes. So I did my affirmations. I had my headphones on while I was making my hello fresh dinner. Mhm. So it was a case that way. So I think we sometimes overcomplicate these things to go. I have to take this off and I have to do it at six in the morning or wake up at four and do this. You don't, it's making it fit within your day and then you won't feel that pressure and burden. Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And it it does, it comes back to doing it with, with the right intent and not whipping yourself for being a bad person for not doing it.

Because if doing all those things is not right for you. And there's so much, you know, coming out of the entrepreneurial space in America about all these things you should do for performance. But again, it's just another should like if it's not right. Yeah. Mm hmm. Exactly hmm. Something that Kim has inspired me to do with all her distance running is to actually do a full marathon this year. I've done a few half marathons and that's sort of my distance, you know, it's 10, 15, 20 km, but approaching 40 and why not do a full marathon. So that'd be amazing. Yeah, because it actually says it is 10% physical and 90% mental because your body can do that distance. It's just with how much grace you can do it. Or do you have to cry and complain the whole way? Yeah, that's right. That's right. It's that endurance resilience piece, isn't it?

And yeah, I love how she also just talked about going through those emotions and acknowledging them. I think that was a bit of a theme as well. And I don't think we do that as entrepreneurs. Well, I think we we tend to push some of it aside. We don't really do. It's it's what's called the shadow work, right? Where you get down and get those feelings of what is really going on for you. And we sometimes are scared to do that because I have spoken to a few people just recently about it about why that happens as entrepreneurs and and their their female too. And both of them said we're scared that if we get down and dirty with that shadow work, we're not going to come back up again. So it's it's that feeling of, you know, I want to touch the surface of it because I know I should, but I actually don't want to get in the muck with it and go through what it is that's making me feel to get to the other side. So it goes back to that wounded allergy. I don't think we're cleaning out the wounds as best before we bandage them up and we just soldier on and fill the day with dizziness and then justify that, you know, we don't have enough time to delve into these things.

Yeah, Yeah. So I think, you know, where possible, you know, embrace that, that shadow work and really explore what it is that's going on for you and yes, it's messy, but it doesn't have to be a breakdown messy. Like for me, it's not for me it's messy from a confrontational point of view, as opposed to fetal position crying. So it will be what it is that it needs to be for you at that moment in time. And I also think, you know, since I've done that work, since my separation, since I've moved into the house, I've just now apartment getting settled, you know, cutting off those little loose cords that we have in those relationships, there's a sense of freeing and there's a sense of wonder and other people have come into my life that probably wouldn't have, you know, just within the business fear, within the friends fear that sometimes, you know, we we put off that work, but there's amazing things on the other side of it. It really is. Yeah, yeah. And I think that it sort of brings it all the way around to that poem that kim said at the very end, that it comes back to.

It's all the inner work, everything is inside you and it all ripples out, doesn't it? Yeah, 100%. What is a beautiful power? Yeah. And the fact that it reached out, you know, it had that that whole community field, isn't it, that make an impact. Mhm. That's that's it. And if enough people did the inner work, then the whole world would just be peaceful. Yeah. She brought up the moving sliding doors to I love that movie. Yeah, I do remember I had the vision of the, you know, the clip, the trailer, the train doors. Yes. Yeah. And I love that. I think she's absolutely spot on. And I take that a little bit further. Which is going to sound crazy. But I think there is an alternate timeline as well that were would be stepping into, agree. Yeah. But we're choosing to be the one that we're in based on our decisions. It's interesting she said that the outcome leads to the same.

I've always believed that the outcome can change for some reason and I agree. Like, I don't think that fate is said no, neither do I. And I really liked how she said it though, that, you know, it's the journey, but the Endgame that she trusts where she's guided to go in the path that she's going because ultimately she knows it's going to be for the greater good. I totally believe that it's going to be for the greater good. But I do believe that you can shift the outcome for sure based on your decisions. But because if you look at things like, you know, leaving marriages or, you know, friends dropping out your life or, you know, having kids and not having kids, it is going to change the That's right. I think I think maybe more to the point was that there is some ultimate thing that we have to learn or do in our life and no matter what path we choose, we will the lesson. Yeah, yeah, that's it. Not that we're always going to meet that that one person that we fall in love with, Like it was just an analogy in the movie. But um I always think of sliding door moments and look back at the decisions I've made at various points and go, oh my God, how much things would have been different if that hadn't happened?

Mm hmm. Right. The okay things happen just at the right time for it to happen for you. And I also believe, you know, when we get faced with certain decisions that we do know the answer. The issue is whether we connect our heart to our mind to actually say it to ourselves and then take action. So I'm a really, really big believer of that, that, you know, I know people say ask for advice, ask for help, I get that, but I I won't do that until I've worked it out myself, then it's on me, you know, no one's going to know the answer to that decision more than I will. Um so I always go if there's a big decision in my life, I need to just, I need to work out the answer and my heart always knows that it's getting my mind too, get get to agree to it. Ah well, another long episode for you guys. I hope you get a lot out of it. I mean there's so much more in there that we haven't unpacked, But we've got to let us get off to her day and look, the other thing moving forward that we didn't really speak about at the start of the episode was that um you know, we have now interviewed 50 amazing, amazing women were opening the podcast up to have some male guests as well.

So we're having male march. Yeah, so start bringing you some of the amazing men that are around and it's always lovely as well, I think to hear an emotionally intelligent man. Yes, so I'm looking forward to that too in getting another viewpoint again for us to learn from. So yeah, what are you going to be up to for the next couple of weeks. Yes, so I'm doing this teaching thing with the Academy of entrepreneurs. We've got about 50 students that live in Australia from overseas that are young entrepreneurs. So we're doing a four week eq course, I'm teaching them, I finished up with my 12 month clients, so it's a bit like, oh my God, I've got now three days of the week back, so I'm just on my, on the hunt for my next project and then the other thing I'm going to be working on, which I will share with you guys over the few weeks and I'm going to be creating a group mastermind work at the moment is very much corporate based and I want to be able to offer something that's, that's really reasonably available in the geeky space with, with people, you know?

Well not so much one on one, it's still group, but it's individually focused, not corporate. Yeah. At like 3, 3 sessions a month that are like hardcore coaching and you know, just your life Yeah, Be working on that over the next six months. I got a launch date of 1st of June so fantastic. Okay, well, yeah, that's definitely something to tell us all about because I reckon that there will be people to jump into, want to work closer with you. Yeah, what about you? What your next Yeah, well I guess in that similar timeframe in the next 3-4 months. I want legally wise women, fully up and open for everyone to come in and learn the three sections already open so people can head over to legally wise women dot com dot au. There's already lots of free resources in there. It's just the paid bits that I'm still bringing together. So yeah, that's happening. And before I talk to you next, I've taken a week off as well. So I'm going fishing for a week.

So I'm really looking forward to that. I'm chasing an Australian records. So that's a bit of fun. Yeah, So beautiful. So, we'd love to hear from everyone. Please leave comments if you, if you want to continue the conversation from today's podcast, I Q meets eq dot com dot au or we're both on linkedin. Otherwise, where can people email us? Yeah. So eq dot academy is where I am and oceanic dot com is my best email. Fantastic. And I'm Jackie at legally Wise Women dot com dot au. So, I really look forward to coming to you again in a fortnight. Yeah. See ya

Ep 50. The Art of Self Love
Ep 50. The Art of Self Love
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