Liberate Your People Pleaser Podcast

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Put Yourself at the Top of Your List

by Brenda Florida, Certified Life Coach
September 18th 2021
00:16:04
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Subject/Title: Put Yourself at the Top of Your List

 

Growing up we were often taught that being selfless is better than being selfish. But there’s a huge difference between being s... More

. Welcome to liberate your people pleaser. I'm Brenda florida certified life coach and I am on a mission to liberate people to their authentic power and ideal self expression. So what's a people pleaser? Well those of us who are people pleasers are usually very loving and kind. We're empathetic. We also tend to prioritise other people's needs over our own, which leaves us feeling not seen and not heard. We're great at anticipating the needs of others and often put ourselves in second place were great doers and nurturers and we often have the role of keeping the peace whether it's in our families or in the workplace. Well, the first thing I want to share with you is that there's nothing wrong with you but we do want to take some of these qualities of people pleasing that we focus so much on other people and turn them on to ourselves first, which turns them into our super power to find out more.

Listen to this next episode of liberate your people pleaser. Yeah, welcome everyone to another episode of liberate your people pleaser. I am Brenda florida certified life coach and I want to talk today about a really important aspect of dropping the habits of people pleasing which include prioritizing other people, you know, over your own wants and needs. It's when we silence ourselves to keep the peace or you know, not rock the boat. It's really about not putting ourselves first on our own list. So any time that we've got other people, you know, spouses, kids, jobs, friends yard work. I don't care what it is at the top of the list and they are more important than what we want or need.

We start to get into trouble. And here's why first of all, before you freak out. It doesn't mean that we don't care about what other people want need. It doesn't mean that we don't do things to support what other people want and need. What it means is I'm at the top of my own list. You're at the top of your own list. So as I consider what I'm gonna do today or what I'm going to commit to. You know, whether or not I'm gonna say yes or no to something. I'm not just thinking, well is this something that will be good for you? I'm first of all thinking is this something that will be good for me? Is this something I want to do? Do I have the bandwidth for it? Do I have the physical energy for it? Do I have the skills for it? For instance, I have a very very, very dear front who's going to have to have surgery soon. A pretty big surgery. So she's going to need some help. She's single. So she's going to need some help after the surgery.

And uh this is a person, you know, I would say I would just do anything for like I love this woman and she and I have a very close connection. She is very good to me. I'm very good to her when I found out she was going to have this surgery and need some help. I started thinking of ways that I could help her now. We also happen to live quite a ways away from each other. It's not somebody local here that I can drop some food off for because that would always be my go to because I love to cook. So that's a way that I can keep myself at the top of my to do list and also give something to someone else, right? I can cook for them because that's relatively easy for me. But in this case we don't live close enough for that. So I'm thinking about what I can do and I'm even thinking about going and spending some, you know, taking some time and actually going to where she lives so that I could help um do some things for her. But right away because thankfully in this case I had myself at the top of my own to uh my own list is that I realized right away I cannot help her in the first few days of her recovery because I am no good at that.

I am not good with helping people when they're really in like a physical need obviously if I had to I could um but I just don't like it like it's just whatever, but I can't explain it. It just doesn't work for me, that's not where I'm good. I'm really good when you get a little ways past that and you need help with the housework er And by help of course it means I would do it because she won't be able to do it. But you know like doing some cooking, doing some housework, running some errands for somebody like whatever. Like those are the ways I can give to someone and still have myself at the top of my list if I were to say because whatever I think she needs it or somehow I'm caught up in the fact that it's so important for her to have someone there in those first few days of her convalescing and helping her get to the bathroom and shower and all those things that I just say, oh yes I'll do that because I love you. I've put her at the top of the list. She has a need and I love her instead of myself because myself knows that kind of help is going to be super stressful for me and be very difficult for me to do.

It's giving where I'm not good at giving basically. So that's how I keep myself at the top of my own list is remembering who I am, what my skills are, what my gifts are and what they are. Not, not pretending that I'm good at everything. I can help everyone with everything the same thing as a coach. I don't think I can coach everybody. I think it thrills me now that I've been doing this several years and I've coached a lot of people, the results that my clients get. Like, it just amazes me and of course they'll send me testimonials or, you know, tell me in the midst of a session how great it is, how I'm, you know, really hitting the nail on the head for them. My intuitive hunches are spot on and you know, how much change in transformation they're making in their lives and how that's changing their lives all that. And that is the most wonderful thing in the whole wide world. And it doesn't mean I can coach everyone. And so when I do my 15 minute connection calls, part of the reason I do that is because I want to make sure, I think I'm the coach for you.

Of course, you're also coming to the call, asking yourself that question has been to the coach for me. Uh, and so far, I haven't had come out that we made different decisions, right? But it wouldn't matter if we did if I thought I was a good coach for you and you didn't, then that would be the end of it. Because when I put myself at the top of my list, I do not coach people that I don't feel really sure are a good match for me, that I can be there, the facilitator for them on their own hero's journey in the same way that when you're putting yourself at the top of the list for some reason if during our call, you're like, no, I don't think Brenda's a person for me, even if I'm saying yes, I think I can coach you. You know, I'd love to do it. Let's work together. You won't be trying to please me. I hadn't even thought about this. I love podcasting because it's so you know, just for me, it's such an authentic in the moment conversation and I just imagine all of you out there listening and I love it.

We crossed 6000 downloads this weekend. So that was pretty exciting. But back to my story. So because this is such a perfect example of it. So we do do the 15 minute connection call, I'm feeling really great about, but you're not if you put me at the top of the list and had any concern about like, oh, I don't want to her friend's feelings or maybe she's right and I'm wrong or whatever that's putting me at the top of the list. When you put yourself at the top of the list, you say, oh well, you know, whatever great you feel like you can coach with me, but I don't feel like, you know, it's the right uh you're the right coach for me or I don't feel like, you know, like you don't have to sugar coat that you would just say, I don't feel like you're the right coach for me? And I'll be like, okay, great, so glad you're being congruent with your own truth, right? Like you're standing in your truth to say you're not the right coach for me and we will leave as friends, right? Because each one of us needs to put ourselves first in that regard just because somebody else wants you to do something and it's a great cause or you really believe in it or whatever doesn't mean you can say yes to it.

And so if you put that cause or what that person might think of, you are not wanting to disappoint them or whatever at the top of the list, then you end up sort of abandoning yourself by putting yourself lower on the list when we put ourselves at the top of the list. This is also how we're able to really set boundaries happened to be coaching with somebody today around some boundaries that got, you know, kind of messy um, for him when he realized, you know, or through our session, realized that he was putting the people around him first. And so he was setting a boundary while not wanting to disappoint them. And so if my boundaries about, I don't want to disappoint you, then I've already taken myself off the top of my list. Now I've got you on the top of my list and not disappointing you, whereas we have to set the boundary from where can I be an integrity, Where can I be in alignment with what I need and what's true for me and then fit that in with whatever you need.

And sometimes it fits. You know, there's an easy way to find a fit. And sometimes it's not. Sometimes then there's no fit because I can't show up in a way that has integrity for me and end up meeting your need or, you know, giving you what you want or need, you know, whatever the situation is, but it won't do any good to put ourselves lower. And that's what people pleasing is all about, is we haven't put ourselves at the top of the list and we've given and given and given at our own expense. And you're here listening to this podcast, even if it's for the very first time, because somewhere in you, you know, that you need to stop giving at your own expense. You need to stop keeping the peace at your own expense. You know, whatever, however that plays out for you, you need to stop that because you're having some kind of sense regardless of how aware of it you are. You're having some sort of sense that these habits of doing that are not serving you anymore.

Otherwise you would have never even been attracted to this podcast. So that's what my work is about in the world. That's what this podcast is here for every week. It's what people work with me, one on one. You know why they work with me one on one because they're ready to break those habits and put themselves at the top of their own list. So, I would love to hear from you how much of a challenge is that maybe? And also to notice when you're thinking about this notice, if there's some areas you're really good at it and like maybe at work, you're really good at, you know, keeping yourself at the top of the list, saying yes and no to things or yes and no to co workers or whatever it is, being able to be really truthful and speak your truth with your supervisor. You know, whatever it is, you've really got that at work, but wow in your marriage or, you know, with your mother or with this one friend or whatever, you may have another area of your life where it's just really hard for you to do that, but, you know, not another.

So, that's always interesting to think about. Okay, so what's the difference in those, Why can't I do it over here? But I can't do it over there. There's some kind of fear or some kind of trigger that pulls you off of the top of your own list in those other situations or relationships, uh, that keeps that cycle going over there. So, I'd love to hear about that. I'd love to hear in the comments or DM me or email me Brenda Brenda florida dot com. There's a link to my email in the show notes, as is there a link to my new free podcast bundle for you and several other things, but I'd love to know how this resonates with you, if you can see that, you know, when I first started in my work, I was not putting myself at the top of, you know, my list on anything like that. There was no area of my life where I was and I was way down at the bottom of my list. So maybe that's where you feel like you are and if so, you know what, that's okay, being able to have that awareness that that's where you're at is really important.

You can't start to move out of it until you have the awareness that says, huh, this is what I'm doing. And it's not serving me any more. And so, I mean to learn how to not do this, you know, or maybe some areas you can and some you can't, I'd love to hear about it and I would love to hear how I can maybe help you. So, there's also in the show notes, a connection called links. So, if you would like to talk about whether or not now is the time and I am the coach, you know, to help you navigate your way out of the ways that you've been putting yourself at the bottom of the list and up to having yourself at the top of the list, then I would love to chat with you about that. So thank you for joining me for this episode of liberate your people please are and I can't wait to hear in your comments how this resonated and what the sort of awareness level is that you have of where you're at on your own list. So I will see you in the next episode for me. Thank you for joining me for another episode of liberate your people pleaser.

I've got a couple of great things in the show notes for you. So one if you've heard me talk about a process I use with clients called the solvent method. I have put together a special bundle of podcasts that you can access through the show notes, you'll get the whole bundle in one email and that way you can listen to the episodes that I recorded, that explain this really simple process that you can use to self coach. And then it will also give you sort of a window into what it's like to work with me. And on top of that I'm gonna put a link in the show notes for you to schedule a connection call because I hear from so many people in the podcast that they really connect with what I'm teaching and with what I'm coaching about and it motivates Them to want to work with me. I would say probably three fourths of my clients over the last six months or so have come to me through this podcast. So if you're thinking about working with me, click on that connection called link and book your 15 minute call, of course there's no obligation.

We'll talk about whatever your goals are with coaching, what you're thinking about and make sure that I'm the coach for you and if this is the right time for you and then I also in the show, top the link to my private facebook groups. You can come join me over there. So thanks for joining me for this episode. Yeah.

Put Yourself at the Top of Your List
Put Yourself at the Top of Your List
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