Liberate Your People Pleaser Podcast

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How to Liberate your people pleaser

by Brenda Florida, Certified Life Coach
August 21st 2021

How to liberate your people pleaser?

We have been talking about how to liberate our people pleaser for a year now in this podcast. You can’t imagine how great it feels when I get an email fr... More

Yeah. Mhm. Welcome to liberate your people pleaser. I'm Brenda florida certified life coach and I am on a mission to liberate people to their authentic power and ideal self expression. So what's a people pleaser? Well those of us who are people pleasers are usually very loving and kind, we're empathetic. We also tend to prioritise other people's needs over our own, which leaves us feeling not seen and not heard. We're great at anticipating the needs of others and often put ourselves in second place were great doers and nurturers and we often have the role of keeping the peace, whether it's in our families or in the workplace. Well, the first thing I want to share with you is that there's nothing wrong with you but we do want to take some of these qualities of people pleasing that we focus so much on other people and turn them on to ourselves first, which turns them into our super power to find out more.

Listen to this next episode of liberate your people pleaser. Yeah, yeah, well I've decided that it's time. This is the episode that I'm going to tell you how to liberate your people pleaser. I'm friend of florida certified life coach and we've been talking about how to liberate our people please are for over a year now in this podcast and I thought I'd just cut to the chase on it today. No, it's not the last episode, but I was really thinking about this this morning because when I see I've coached enough people now that I get, you know, a lot of testimonials or you know, feedback when people are either while they're still working with me or when they're done working with me and the results are so amazing. Like it just gives me so much joy to get an email about how someone has, you know, radically changed their life in every way from mundane things to, you know, friendships to marriages and you know, relationships with other types of partners and lovers, and the way they show up in their businesses or at work and just how they feel, how they feel about themselves, that ability to access that authentic power that I talk about so much that gets distorted.

When were people pleasers? When were people pleasers? We are giving all that yummy, juicy power that we are born with. That is our birthright that we have. It's not that we don't have it, it's that we've taken and we give it to other people. So, you know, from a practical standpoint, like it's like we don't have access to it, right? So it's like I fixed myself this gorgeous meal and I gave it to you and now I'm sitting at the table with nothing to eat. Okay, that was my meal, I could take it back because it was mine, You have your own meal. It's not like what we have to choose, which one of us is gonna go hungry. Okay, you already have your own meal. I didn't need to give you mine, okay, but for some reason I had this idea or something that you did um You know, or maybe your meal is coming later and I'm afraid you're gonna go hungry. Like it's a silly metaphor that I just thought of in the moment.

So anyway, but you get what I'm saying. We look at other people and we think, oh, I need to do that for them. If I don't do it, maybe nobody else will. Or you know, I just have to to keep the peace or I don't want them to be mad at me. I want them to like me. I want that. You know, we get a wrapped up into all these thoughts that we've been trained to do. We were literally taught there's no client that I work with that doesn't have some part in their past, some experience from childhood or sometime in their life that began the sort of teaching. I'll call it of listen honey, you need to do for others at your own expense. And of course, no one says those words to us. But that's what happens. It's be quiet, keep your opinion, keep your wants and needs to yourself because someone else around you or some group around you is going to find that inconvenient or unpopular or it's going to piss them off and we don't want to do that.

So you be quiet. Sure there's a cost for you to pay for being quiet. There's an expense of that for you. But that's ok. That's what you're supposed to do and we get set up in this pattern that just keeps getting repeated and reinforced over and over and over that. That's normal. That that's the way of it. That that's the way good people are. That's the that's what it's like to not be selfish if I were to prioritize myself, if I were to put that yummy plate of food down in front of myself and just eat it in front of you, even if your dinner hasn't come yet. That would be selfish. That would be rude. Well no it isn't. I was out to dinner the other night with my friend in the kitchen, got a little mixed up and so my gorgeous dinner came down and sat in front of me. Very hot, very delicious. She had nothing in front of her. And of course as in most of us would have done, she said listen honey eat eat, don't let that get called you eat minus coming.

And so that's what we have. We always have had that ability to fix our own fabulous meal and eat it. That's our authentic power. But we're so used to giving it to somebody else or letting it sit there and get cold or whatever metaphor you want to put on that um that we have forgotten, we have forgotten who we truly are and that's what every testimonial I get whether they're sharing the difficult conversation, they ended up having with a sister or a boss or a spouse or lover or how boundaries have done changed everything in their life. You know, setting those learning to set those boundaries has changed everything or how a person can go in a session from feeling so depleted, defeated and so flat to remembering that power re accessing that power that is always there inside of us.

That is that's how you liberate your people pleaser and you do it over and over and over until the habit is accessing that authentic power, using that authentic power on your own behalf. And it doesn't end up making you selfish. In fact, it ends up making you very generous because when we stay in our authentic power, we live in our authentic power. It's really easy to have the energy to give to others to do. For others to uh think about what somebody else might need. It just comes from a totally different energy. It comes from a different place. If we want to use the old metaphor of the oxygen mask coming down in the airplane, you're giving to the person next to you because you're already breathing, you've caught your breath, you've got your ex oxygen mask on. And so of course you have the wherewithal to notice if the person sitting next you are across the aisle from you is struggling to get their mask on because you're okay, right?

You're good. And so your ability to see the legitimate needs of others is sharpened. And what else happens is your ability to see when somebody else is trying to manipulate you to get you to do what they need to do for themselves and they're just too lazy to do it or don't want to put out the effort or they don't want to go through their own personal growth so they can take care of that themselves. You can look at that and go, no, honey, you know, your mask is on. You just want me to perfect that for you or tighten it for you or come in and and overcompensate for you or over function for you in some way. But you've got it. You know that mask is in your hand, that mask is on your face like whatever it is, you know, you just need to go finish that because a lot of times what happens is when we will not, a lot of times this is what happens when we over function for another adult.

I would say even teenagers, I mean actually it can start way younger than that. If you're over functioning for your two year old, you are stunting their growth. Okay? But let's just make it easier and go when our Children or people in our lives are older, when we over function for them, we are taking away from them their own power. They are not even if it would be a struggle for them to access their own power, we've taken that away from them because they don't have to struggle, right? They don't have to try to figure out. They don't have to learn what we didn't learn, which was how to access our own power. So the most important thing to me as mother, In an episode a couple weeks ago, I talked about the real reason that I left my kid's father was because I didn't want them to learn those habits that I had of over functioning for their dad so he could under function. I in essence made it easy for it's not my responsibility. Okay, What he did. So don't the language to say this is a little tricky. So don't misunderstand me.

We are never responsible, no matter how over functioning we might be being. We're not responsible for the other person. They could stay. Stop it, right? But when I'm over functioning for my spouse and my Children are watching that they see that both of us are not using our own power on our own behalf. And so how could they ever use figure out how to use their own power on their behalf. So we really want this idea of liberating yourself from your people please are is so impactful because there's such a ripple effect. We want to liberate ourselves, keep our power for ourselves so that others can have the responsibility of figuring out how to get their own power. if they've given it away and we want to model that to the people that are watching us, whether they're our Children, our grandchildren, our siblings are parents even as an adult. Like I know my mother's become aware of many things in her life that didn't serve her that she wanted to change because of watching me grow through my own trajectory of liberating my people pleaser.

So it isn't even just people that are younger than you are looking up to you or whatever in that regard, in that typical sort of mentor way. It's everyone around you who sees you take your light out from under that bushel, you know, that sees you operating in the world in your own power on your own behalf and then how you give to others out of that sense of power. It's super appealing. I mean people gravitate to that because they want to and so how do we really do it? I mean, you've listened to these episodes of liberate your people. Please are probably more than once any of you who are new listeners. This is your first one. Welcome welcome. Welcome. We have a year's worth of episodes that you can listen to in the archives there. But for many of you, I know you follow my work and you're in my private facebook group and maybe you're on my email list and you hear me talk about this a lot and yet taking something from a concept.

I love what Brendan just said, right? Like if you're thinking, I love what Brendan just said about keeping my power to myself and letting others find their own power and wanting to model that in the world and wanting to use that power for myself. Okay, love that idea. That's a great concept now. How do I actually do it? I can give you tips and in many, many of the episodes of liberate your people pleaser and in the facebook group and on my email list when I'm sending out weekly blogs are offering programs and things like that, I'm always giving tips that you can use. Here's the deal when you're serious about liberating your people please are you need a coach, you need a guide. I think you probably need me specifically because I've been there, I've done that, I've liberated myself. This is like going to the gym, let's say you want to run a marathon or maybe, you know, you want to be able to, I don't know, lift a certain amount of weight or create enough core strength to have really great balance or whatever it is.

It doesn't have to be uh something you know more physically extreme like a marathon, but that makes a good makes for a good metaphor. So we're gonna use that one. But anything it is that you want to do, okay, you wanted to learn to cook, it's gonna be a whole lot easier to go watch Youtube videos and have a chef show you exactly how to do it. Or better yet go to a cooking class, right? So the equivalent of the Youtube video and the chef would be like when I have a digital program, I haven't done one for a while, but I'm getting ready to release one of those probably towards the end of august. Um as we head into, you know, september digital course, that's great. You get the teaching, you get some worksheets, you can kind of follow along, You can learn okay, but how much better would you learn to cook? That wasn't very grammatically correct. But anyway, how much more with your skills increase if you actually went to a cooking class and had a person walking you through it, showing you watching you do it and saying, oh no here do this a little bit more that way.

Or do this a little less like that. And here's like back to the gym and that metaphor, here's a little way you need to tweak your, you know, your body while you're doing that tweet the style of what you're doing it the way you're moving, you know, because they're watching you specifically and you are their number one focus. All right. So that's the great thing with like one on one personal training one. Any kind of one on one personal learning is all that learning a language. You know, the real breakthroughs when people try to learn a foreign language is when they start working one on one with somebody who they're conversing with and all that. It's not in a group, it's not on a video, those are great. And they can get you started. But when you're really ready to get the transformation to have it be sustainable, which is all that matters right? Who the hell cares about being able to not be a people pleaser for two weeks? No, we're gonna do it for the rest of our lives.

So when we want that sustainable transformation, working one on one with somebody is the most powerful way to give yourself all the things that you need, whether it's concepts and ideas or tools or applying those tools to your life, how it fits specifically for your situation. What's the conversation you need to specifically have not just generically like here, I'll talk generically about a conversation with a spouse or a conversation with uh, you know, somebody in the workplace or in your business or whatever, But that's not specific to you because I can't be specific to you unless we're working together one on one. So that's why this 90 day package I have that I'm promoting right now until at least until my calendar's booked is so powerful. This is where people over and over and over have that sustainable transformation and I get these great emails and text messages that make my day because of how their lives have changed because of our work together because they did the work, you know, I'm the facilitator, I'm a catalyst for your growth, You do all the growth, you get all the responsibility.

I'm not being a people pleaser as a coach, I'm not taking responsibility for what you do, I'm not taking credit for what you do. I show up and do my part as the coach and you show up and do your part and put the stuff into action. You know, learn the stuff, Do the work, put the stuff into action and you get the benefit of all that transformation. So I want you to think about, you know, it's um probably early August right now when you're listening to this and the holidays will be upon us before we know it. So go fast forward 90 days will be it about thanksgiving close enough. So I want you to think about by the time you get to the holidays, what do you want to have, be different in your life? You know, do you want to be in a place where you're owning and living out of your authentic power in such a consistent way that you go into the holidays and you're not over functioning for other people, you're not doing things out of obligation you are giving and doing and receiving out of the joy of living in your authentic power and self expression, what better gift could there possibly be to pre gift yourself for the holiday.

So when the holidays arrive, you're there and you have a different experience in the holidays this year than you've ever had because the holidays can be brutal for us, people pleasers. Um getting into all kinds of family dysfunction traps and obligation traps and over giving traps and all kinds of things. So let's deal with this. Now let's get you in the one on 1 90 day, I call it the it's your turn because I love that. It is your turn. It is your turn to liberate your people pleaser and that is how you do it. Sure, listening to podcast is great reading, self help books are great, digital programs are great. But when you're really ready for transformation, you're gonna dive in and prioritize yourself and invest in yourself enough to go one on one, you get 90 days, nine sessions over those 90 days you get vox or support, which is this great little messaging, like voice messaging, not not texting.

So if you're having a challenge with something in between sessions, you just message me and you're like, oh my gosh Brenda, this happened and I wasn't sure what to do or I, you know, totally fell into people pleasing. I'm so irritated at myself and then I can message you back and give you a little pep talk or say, hey what? You know, try saying this or try these words on or you know, whatever it is that you need to support you in between the sessions because what we're doing is breaking a habit that's been going on in you for probably you know, 2030 40 50 you know, maybe more years and so you don't quit that in two or three weeks or something. You know, you need this the same time, uh focus on yourself prioritizing yourself to sort of get that. Well, that's been turning one way to stop and turn the other way and give yourself permission. Give yourself all the credit for prioritizing yourself and doing the work to liberate your people pleaser.

So I've got a little more information um here in just a second about that package. You'll see a link in the show notes where you can get more information about it and fill out a quick little form and then I will get back to you and we'll see if now is the right time for you. If I'm the right coach for you to liberate your people please. I'll see you in the next episode before Yeah, thank you for joining me for another episode of liberate your people pleaser. I have got something super special for you. I am opening up my calendar right now and a handful of people who are ready to liberate their people pleaser can join me for a special 90 day coaching package. This is a one on one coaching package. We're gonna work on your specific challenges issues, whatever it is, I'm calling it the it's your turn 90 day coaching package. You get nine full sessions over these 90 days and then the whole time I'll be connected to you through a voice app called boxer where you can leave me a message if you're having a freak out or have a question or a difficult conversation, you're just not sure how to say what you want to say, whatever it is and I can message you back.

So this is a lot of support over 90 days, which gives you enough time to really allow for the transformation that is seeking to emerge in you to take hold. So please click on the link in the show notes to get more information about that. And then also know that my freebies are always available to you with the private facebook group, liberate your people pleaser. And you can follow me on instagram at Brenda florida coach. Mm hmm.

How to Liberate your people pleaser
How to Liberate your people pleaser
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