Mentor for Moms Podcast with Susan Seay

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104. Re-Connecting To You

by Susan Seay
July 5th 2021
00:38:20
Description

The moment you recognize there’s a disconnect you also at a point to choose to re-connect. Give yourself permission to create the space to make that happen. Ma... More

Welcome to the mentor for moms podcast, episode number 104 do you end up getting one word answers when you're trying your hardest to talk to your kids or even worse do you get a shoulder shrug or a mumbled grunt as a quick answer when you ask them questions like, hey, how was your day? Fine, what have you been up to? Nothing. If you too have experienced these short conversations? I say, let's put an end to dead end conversations with our kids. The intentional parent card set contains two decks, the questions intentional parents ask their kids is one set that has over 40 questions including mom favorites, like 10 questions to ask your kids every year and five questions to ask when your kids won't listen. Part two of the set helps you to be more intentional as a mom with simple doable ideas, if you ever find yourself needing a simple suggestion on how to be more intentional, but you want it to be highly effective, grab your card set today, order your card set by visiting Susan C dot com forward slash shop, that Susan C S E A Y dot com forward slash shop, this is the mentor for moms podcast, the place where you can learn simple practical tools to be intentional with your family, even when life gets busy, give yourself permission to take the next few minutes to be encouraged by me, your host.

Susan C you see I've been in the trenches of Motherhood for over 20 years As a mom of seven international speaker author and certified life coach, my goal is to pretend that you and I are curled up on my living room couch, having a chat about the frustrations as well as the joys of the journey. I'm so glad you're here. Well, hey, hey and welcome to another episode of the mentor for moms podcast. I am Susan C and I'm so incredibly delighted that you're here with me at the time of this recording. It is summertime. We are in the month of july. It is hot here in texas, hot with a capital H you hear me? It is hot like we are in that season of the year where those of us in texas understand if there's anything you want to do outside, there's this few short hours after daylight in the morning that you want to get it done or there's the evening as the sun is disappearing when you want to be out there.

But in between that if you're outside, you're doing something connected to water, you're drinking the water. You're swimming in the water, You're standing and playing in the splash pads at the splash pad, parks some kind of way there must be a connection to water or a C. Anything in between that God bless. So I am recording to you from the A. C. I'm in my house. Um and I am content to be here because we have an incredible conversation to jump into now. The today's conversation is actually a requested podcast episode, had a mama reached out to me. She shared some of the circumstances going on in her life and she basically boiled down what's going on in her world is I feel so disconnected from myself, I feel like I don't even know me anymore. Like could you help me, what what what does that look like for me to get back into touch with myself? And when she asked that I thought, you know, I don't think it's just her.

I think it's so amazing how you all are so connected, how all of us are so connected that when one of us is going through something in our heads and in our hearts, we think it's just me, but when we speak that out loud, how we give others permission to say Yeah, me too, Yeah, me too. Which is why I love when you all reach out to me, I love when you share what you're getting from the podcast because it helps me know that there are other mamas that feel the same way they just are in mom's life and didn't take a minute to let me know? Uh but also when you all say, hey Susan, can you do a podcast on this? Can you talk about this a little bit more? Can you help me out with this particular issue I'm dealing with and I go, hey, I bet that's not just you matter of fact, I know it's not just you because I usually identify with what you all are saying your questions or your requests just helped me to think about my own life and be a little introspective for a minute. So thank you to the mama who reached out who requested this one on behalf of myself and everyone else who gets to listen to this conversation today, we all thank you for being brave enough to raise your hand and say, hey, here's where I'm struggling here.

I could use some support around this. So let's jump into it. I found this quote from a website called mud coaching dot com. I just love the name, mud coaching and it said the you that is in the right relationship to self will create a vastly different life than the you that is disconnected from yourself. You're going to create a vastly different life and I want us to create a vastly different life when we are in the mode where we're so disconnected but we're still doing life. I think this is a great and a rich opportunity for us to do things differently. Now, if you've missed the last few episodes of the podcast, I want you to make sure you go back and check them out. Like on the very last episode was episode um 103 we talked about slow fades and then our convo today it's going to take that conversation a little bit further. So we're like building on something here. The past few podcasts have really been targeted towards you mama, like I say to people often I get mentor for mom's not mentor for kids.

So often I have people hear me say mentor for moms and they're like, hey yeah, I've got my kid and he's doing this, so I've got my daughter and she's doing that, I got this three year old, a five year old issue and I go, those are great, but I'm not a child developmental expert, I don't, I don't have that what I have really invested a lot of time in is the guidelines and the tools and the principles that can help us be more equipped in this role of leadership called motherhood so that we can effectively serve and love and care for the needs of our family and our household, that's me, you want to talk about those things, let's go. But as soon as you're like, I got this particular issue with a kid, I can listen to it. But my guidance is always going to come back to how to equip you to handle that situation. I feel like when you're equipped because you know, your child so intimately and so well then you are freed up to go and do the things you feel will adequately serve them because at the end of the day, you're the one living with them, you're the one that's going to continue to be there.

I'm just here to help support you to do the work that you need to do better. That's me, I'm here for these things. And so the past few episodes we've been really equipping you and working through some things around you because remember back in that episode we talked about you are a conduit is back in the 30s, maybe episode 38, maybe 37. Somewhere in there. You are a conduit. I recognize that if we get you free then you will flow that living water into your home and you will set everybody else free. But if we, you know worked real hard to set the kids free and set the dog free and the cat free and whatever else you got going on in your house, all that free, but you're still blocked and stuck and hurting. Then the home just can't thrive to the level that it should. So I think you are the linchpin, you are the core and the key piece and I'm here for you and I'm hoping that the conversations that we're having here are helping you to heal.

But before we can heal we must uncover the hidden things that have been bothering you. You know sometimes as moms, all we can say and all we know to say is I'm tired or I'm overwhelmed because we can't figure out like what's at the root of that exhaustion. Sure we've been doing a lot of things. Um sure there's things going on but we can't put our finger on that exact thing that's setting this all off. Right. I remember back in episode one on one, we were talking about tired as a mother, right? What we were saying, how moms have reached this level of exhaustion that sleep just can't fix now. What do we do when that happens? So I'm helping you to give language to the experience you're having. So when you're tired and you're like sleep is not the answer. What is it? You go back to episode one on one, you're listening, you go, mm like some of these things, some of these things that's what's going on, that's me, that's me. And then you can go to episode 102 where we talk about the seven types of rest every mom needs and then you listen to that and you create a rest strategy, you open up your planner and you go on this friday, I'm gonna do rest type number two.

And on this monday over here I'm going to rest, type number three or you might open your plan and every day you're gonna go I'm gonna pick one of these seven types of rest and I'm gonna do one every single day. Yes, this is what we're doing. So now my line of, you know, my line of focus on my priority line doesn't just say rest and then there's this generic idea of what rest could look like, but now I've got language for, there are seven types of rest and I want to enter into one of those types of rest or more every single day. You hear me like see now we're giving language and that's what we do here at the mentor for moms podcast. Now my process for creating this podcast is that I want to keep a pulse on what you guys need. What's on our minds as moms, I listen, I read my research then I sift through lots of information, lots of noise is what I call. It's a lot of stuff that I go, it sounds good at it, that won't work or that's not practical or that's not universally appropriate from arms, like a certain segment of moms maybe can use that.

But overall can all of us benefit from that. If not, you know, that's just not what I want to have our spend our time with when we're sitting here visiting on the virtual couch. I want us to know that when we click play and we listen and I say, we, because I go back and listen to these episodes two and I'm like, oh, that helped me. Uh huh. I want us to get information that feels real and it feels relevant because when we finish at the end of the day, at the end of that podcast, we want to be able to go make moves on what we just learned. We want to actually put it into action. We want to have simple yet highly effective solutions to the problems we're dealing with every single day is that you like, are you nodding with me like Yeah girl, that's why I'm here. Me too. That's why I keep showing up. If you all knew how much fun I was having over here, you would think this was like an ongoing party because I really love these kinds of conversations. Like if you and I got together and were face to face, I should say when, because all these opportunities are gonna start to happen in the future when we get together, this is what we're going to go in on.

Like, this is how I live. This is me, just me recorded, that's all. So if you've been listening, this is my request here. If you've been listening and you find this podcast helpful, I want you to hit pause right now and go leave me a review. Like let other mamas, no, this is helpful to me. If your podcast app doesn't have a space for reviews or comments, then go somewhere. Go to Apple, go to google, leave me a review. Leave me a comment. Um, go to your favorite podcast app and look and see if there's a place to leave a review and a comment. If not come over to my socials and give me some reviews and some love and some feedback and let me know what's landing for you? What's helpful for you? What's making a difference in your world in your life. Okay, now for today's show we're going to jump in. Let's go. I believe that motherhood is an invitation to all of us to redefine our lives and what success looks like see before kids we could have, you know, I have finished college and I've got a career going or I, I launched a business or I work in a great company or you know, we have all these ideas.

If this is what success looks like, this is the kind of home I have, this kind of car, I drive, this kind of man I got in my life or this is the kind of places I traveled to or these kind of foods I eat, like we've got all this clarity and, and it's all these things that are outward, right? And then we become a mom and it feels like wait, you know, um, I don't want to spend the money on the expensive purse anymore. Or those kinds of foods aren't even kind of practical or I don't really love them. Like I thought I would or traveling to certain places with kids just ain't fun. You know, so things start to change and shift for us and along the way we experienced several slow fades, we talked about that in our last episode, Some of those dreams that and ideals and things we were pressing into and reaching for and striving for start to slowly fade into the background behind the immediate needs of the family and the household and the kids and before long those things that felt so true to you, not the ones that you were able to let go of because you were like, I don't really don't want that anymore.

But those things that you still want, but they just don't reach the same level of priority as the immediate needs of the kids and the household and the family. You can feel this, this slow fade happening and over time you can start to feel feelings of desperation, maybe confusion and you're trying to figure out what's happening here. Like who am I? I look in the mirror and I think who is that chick? Looking back at me, how did we get here? Where did five years ago? Where did 10 years ago? What, what is this life? What is even happening? And it's tempting to think that this is a moment of crisis, there's a problem. Oh my gosh, panic, we've got to figure this out. And I'm just saying, I think that those moments where we go, what is going on in my life, what is happening are really an invitation and they're a catalyst for you to create a moment of overhaul. Because see one day you realize the things you used to love are no longer a part of your life and you don't have the brain space or the time to figure out the new things to love in this season of your life.

You realize that the things that used to make you feel like you have almost completely disappeared from your life. You start to notice things like the journals and the notebooks are remaining empty or have a lot of half written entries in there. Right? I remember over the years I would start a journal. I've always loved the idea of journaling. I know this season in my life, give myself permission to journal when I want to. Like I had this idea before that you're supposed to write in your diary every single day, write in your journal every single day. So when I grew up it was a diary, right? We had this cute little diary had cute little lock on it as if that thing was secure. I mean you just dropped the thing on the floor would pop right open. Hello asked me how I know because I've done it because I always lost my key. So you had this little diary and in my mind you're supposed to write in your diary every day, your diary, you're supposed to put your things in there, put your business in there, You're supposed to put it in code because you have a nosy brother. Like I did, who would get all up in your business and tell your parents and all these things. So you had to write your stuff in code and you supposed to write it in every single day and then I would get up, get all down on myself because I wasn't faithful to it.

Like I didn't write anything every day. Look at me. I wrote once in january now it's june and I'm back again. Right in the next entry, what is going on? And I repeated that pattern throughout the years over my life. I stopped calling it a diary. I just started saying I'm going to get into journaling. I get by these cute little journals and I'm gonna journal. And then I would journal every day for a week or every day for two weeks and then I'd be down for months and I would think, oh there I am being undisciplined again. There I am dropping the ball again. And now I'm at this season of my life where I'm like, hey, I journal what I want to a journal when I needed a journal when it would serve me. Because that's really what the journal was. Therefore is not there to be a tyrant in my life to say, yep, here's another place in your life. Susan where you're just not doing things consistently and faithfully. It's just here when I'm here when you need me. I'm here to capture those ideas too. Take those thoughts to, you know, hold those prayers for you, whatever it is I'm journaling about whenever you need me, I'll be right here on the shelf or right here stacked on your nightstand.

And that frees me up to actually want to do it more. Right? It actually makes me want to get involved in that more. But those, there might be a time for you where you're realizing that you like the journal you like to write, you like to do art or coloring and you're not making space for that to happen in your life right now. Maybe for you, it's reading and you've got books that are gathering dust on your shelves or continuing to grow that to be read stack on your nightstand and you're thinking what happened to me. Like I used to love to read. I used to enjoy getting in the books and and pursuing all kinds of great reads and that's not happening is the moment you began to realize that instead of feeling like, oh, big problem, I want you to go, oh, there's an awakening happening. There's something shifting in me. I'm starting to see my life in a new way.

And what is it showing me? Is it showing me that I I'm actually on the path that I want to be on or my seeing for the first time that the path that I'm on no longer serve the direction I want to go, see how much kinder that is. See how much that's a moment of uh perspective shift versus a beating up on yourself, allowing that inner critic voice to start going crazy. Instead we're like, no, no, no, no, this is just a moment of awakening. That moment you began to realize basic questions like when's the last time you read a book and you finished it? Or what do you like to do for fun? Or when is the last time you had fun doing something that you love? Not your kids, not your best friend at your husband, but you when you realize those questions are too hard to answer for you right now, you're at a moment of awakening and awareness and when we have awareness, then we can start to change the direction of our steps without awareness.

It's entirely difficult to make any change because you can't change the things you don't see. Hello? Hello? I'm gonna pause right here because that was a whole word. You cannot change the things you don't see for the mamas right now who are dealing with the summertime situations with your kids and you're like why did they not see, why are they not helping me around the house? Why are they not, why does this house look like it does, what does this kitchen look like? It does, why their rooms like this? They cannot change the things they do not see and they legit do not see these things because they don't bother them, you've got to help them see it when they see it, then they can change it. You give them vision, you know, you're getting vision, you turn that tv off. You turn their gadgets off. Suddenly don't have anything look at. But the foolishness that's all around their feet, the dishes that are stacked all around the sink, they suddenly can't help but see those things you go, oh like I'm so glad to have you back. Hello? I'm glad you can see, you know like jesus walked around, he gave sight to the blind, you could give sight to your kids. You help them to see.

These are the things these things right here they're called socks. They don't belong on this floor. Pick them up. Put them where they belong. See these shoes right here. They don't belong right here. Hey, look over here. See this laundry. This laundry should be going in the washer and the dryer then it should be folded and put somewhere and it's appropriate place but it should not be dumped over here in the corner. Hello. Like I'm give you sight, let me help you to see today because when you you cannot, you cannot fix what you cannot see. Help the Children to see. Okay, back to the program. You're welcome. Here's another quote. This one came from the every mom dot com. It says as it turns out rock bottom is a great place for which to rise. Hello. As it turns out rock bottom is a great place from which to rise. So if you feel like I have hit a low as a mom, I feel disconnected for myself. I don't feel like me anymore. I'm saying that the inner critic voice would love to tell you that this is just further evidence of how you're failing, how you're not measuring up, how you're not stepping up to the call, all of these things and I'm saying this place where you are mama is a great place from which to rise and you have everything in you to rise up now that you have awareness of where you are and awareness of where your path is, where you stand on the map.

You know, you ever gone to a big park and it's got that map and it says, you know, X marks the spot. You are here and now you have perspective of where you are in relationship to everything else in the park. Now you can decide, okay, does this path lead to where we wanted to go or not? Do we need to turn around, do we need to go, keep going straight? Do we need to veer off to the right or the left? What steps take us where we ultimately want to go? Well that's the place that you're in right now, if you feel disconnected and you now have awareness of that, you can now mark a spot and say here's where I am on the map now, where do I want to go and then you choose the path that will lead you in that direction. You see the moment you recognize there's a disconnect. You also are at a point to choose how you will reconnect. You get to give yourself permission to create the space to make that happen. Major life overhaul or many mom moments, whichever we want or somewhere in between.

I want you to make space, make space for that reconnection to happen. You're like, great, I'm ready to make that space. Susan then what perfect. Here we go. First thing I want you to do is rethink you see often our identity goes through many changes throughout the course of our lives. There was a time when you were a little girl, then you became a young lady and now you're a woman, your identity. It was growing and changing over the course of your life. There was a time, it was a big deal to be a high schooler and then you became an adult. That was a big deal. You were old enough to drink, then you you know what I'm saying, that you've gone through these identity. Mom's old enough to vote old enough to drink. Those are all different moments where your identity is expanding. Instead of feeling that your identity has ended, I want you to think of your identity expanding as a woman and part of the expansion that has happened for you is this expansion into this role of leadership called motherhood. It's another edition to this vast complexity of who you are.

Motherhood is far from the first time. Your identity has gone through a shift, becoming a mom is adding to your identity if you have siblings. So you're not just a daughter, but you're also a sister. This does not require you to abandon the old parts of yourself. It's an invitation to refine your priorities as you go through. This expansion change will continue to happen in your life and here's an important part. Change involves choice. Every time we visit here on the virtual couch, we are learning how to live with confidence in the gap between the mom we are today and the mom we want to be. It's a process. I want us to just make that process gentle and loving and compassionate and kind to ourselves and to others along the way. So, I want us to rethink how you are currently viewing your journey. Are you viewing it as motherhood has come in and interrupted my plans.

Are you viewing it as motherhood was a moment that marked this vast shift in my life, and now everything in my world is different and I'm lost and I'm beside myself, or has my identity as a woman expanded to include a role of leadership called motherhood. And this is just yet another opportunity for the gifts and the talents and the unique perspective that I have on the world to be expressed and I get to do that in relationship to these little people or medium sized or big people depending on where you are on the journey. I get to do that with these people who are called my Children. Do you see how one sounds like there was this massive interruption, cataclysmic crash that happened in your life and another says, my life just expanded. Here we go. After you Rethink where, how you currently view the journey I want you to step into remember in the process of becoming a mom.

We forget a few things Hello, like when I was a mom with chinese and toddlers, I would forget to eat and shower or I would forget that load of laundry in the washer or the dryer again and as the kids grew up, I managed the family calendar around their needs but forgot to put my needs on the calendar too. But mom's, we also forget things like being kind to ourselves, We forget to laugh with ease. We forget to allow our best to be good enough. So my question is for you, what do you need to remember right now? What's been forgotten along the way and you need to go back and reclaim it in your life. Maybe it is actual activities of going back to school or you know, moving forward in your career or really launching that business. It's always been a dream of yours. Maybe it's some of those things, but maybe you need to go back and reclaim joy. You need to go back and reclaim peace. You need to go back and reclaim fun, creativity friendships. I want you to sit with that question and really ask yourself what do you need to remember right now?

And the last one redefine your happiness cannot be dependent on your kids. That is a responsibility. That is unfair for them to shoulder. I like to say it like this. My kids invite me all the time to ride their emotional roller coaster and I have learned to decline that invitation in years past. I used to ride it with them. They would feel happy. I jump on their happy roller coaster and I would ride who with them then I could come to them and they feel sad and I'd be like, they're sad, I'm sad to say I'm sad and that would just ride their emotional roller coasters with them and let me tell you we're about Children. Okay, I'm gonna tell you what you already know. They will invite you to ride the roller coaster but they will not get on hello, you will strap in and the train will take off and they will leave, they will stand there on the thing waving at you, bye mom like they will dump on you their sadness then you'll feel sad or they're what they're upset about and then you're mad at that kid down the street to or that kid at the school or their, their best friend, you're mad and they have moved on, they have made up with their best friend.

They've made up with the kid down the street. They have gone on to have a happy little joyful time and you're still stewing over the whole thing. Like I can't believe that kid said that to my kid, can't drop right. That means you are still on the emotional roller coaster. You're still riding, you took another lap UK administration and you said another one and you went around again and they have moved on now. I have learned how to stay at the train station and see them ride the roller coaster and just be with them. I see that you're sad. I see you're angry. I could see that really excites you. I could see that's a big deal. I mean high five and dance with you and should they shift on a dime then I'll just be with them, whatever, wherever they are okay. They couldn't do all the emotions and I welcome them. I'm like, feel the extremes of it. The absolute elation and over the top, you know, your mother will dance with you and sing with you and then over here you wanna feel absolutely angry and irritated and disgusted or whatever you're feeling is feel that too.

I'm just saying I'm gonna be with you with compassionate kindness and empathy, but I am not gonna jumping into the depths of the feelings and the heights of your feelings because y'all flatware me out, especially when you have seven kids and you've got one who's at the tippy top feeling amazing. Just had a great day and the other one is not having a great day and I can't figure out who, who to be with, you know what I'm saying? Like, should I be super happy? And then I'm going to shift as soon as I got my bedroom and be, you know, completely in the throes of the frustration with this one, cannot do it, tell you what y'all, I'm gonna let y'all all right, you're emotional roller coasters. I'm gonna be here at the station, loving you, hugging you, high fiving you, dancing with you, but ultimately managing my emotional energy so that I can make it through the end of the day. So I'm going to pass that on to you if that visual helps you of an emotional roller coaster invitation, just take that and just ask, what can you do to help you maintain your cool so that you have some emotional energy capacity to make it through the day and you don't just get flat worn out by noon and you're like, oh, gee um pajamas, anyone, let's go to bed.

They're like, mom, it's noon, are you talking about? So, okay, jumping back it, I want you to redefine life in this season. Our families can bring us so much laughter, so much joy, so much love and that's something that comes from within you see, Joy is an inside job, It's not based on your circumstances, that Joy and that delight that piece that calm. Those are things that you work on deep on the inside and then you overflow and share them with the people around you. And that is what it looks like to manage your emotions well, because you recognize that it's your job and your responsibility to manage your emotions well, instead of your kids, current moods dictating yours, motherhood will stretch us in our limits in every single way. It'll stretch us physically. It'll stretch it emotionally and mentally. We want to do our best and be the best for our babies and though we look to others for guidance and support, it's important for us to remember that the journey of Motherhood is different for every single mama.

So let me repeat. It's important to remember that the journey of Motherhood is different for every single woman. So I want you to think through what you need may not be what others moms need right now. Your needs don't change based on what other moms need. You need, what you need and your needs can be different. So I want you to redefine life in this season of you trying to reconnect and say I was trying to make this all about my kids right now or all about the family right now. But if I come all the way home, I said this recently in a conversation that I love helping mamas come home and I think that if you hear that statement, you might think, oh is she saying that every mother should be a stay at home mom? No, no, let me be clear when I say come home, if you could see me right now, I'm pointing to my chest and my shoulders and I'm saying come home here within you the way God has uniquely created you and called you and and gifted you and infused you with talents and unique perspectives that the world needs.

When you come home to that person to that woman that you are everything in your life just starts to take its proper place. But when we're not home and we're off running and chasing trying to create peace in our circumstances, so we can have peace at home talking about us now, I'm talking back pointing back to me, don't think home physical structure of where you live, your apartment, your condo, your your home, physical residents don't think that think home you as a person. See so often things in motherhood want to call us out to go Ray's out there and try to calm the chaos and the circumstances and the situations and the relationships and the conversations and the dynamics between different family members when really call us to come home and once you're home, all that other stuff takes its proper perspective, then you know how to address your kids or how to deal with the mess in your home or how to handle the situation at work or how to deal with the home schooling challenges you're feeling.

You begin and realized that because you first came home home to you, so if you can redefine your role, your purpose is the plans, then you began to find pathways back to reconnecting to you because if you feel like you need to get your priorities in order right now, I want you to know that it begins with you making you a priority the rest of your to do list the rest of the goals. We'll all follow the place once you do that. If you're curious how to do that, I want you to know we're going to talk about that on next week's podcast, I'm gonna be going over the six steps to help you reconnect to yourself again. But I kind of want to delay some of that framework of what we're doing over all where we're rethinking we're remembering and we're redefining that's part of our process.

I want you to go back listen to this podcast, sit with these ideas this week because I really want to see you mama's begin to make the shift because remember what we said at the beginning, where we said the you that is in right relationship to self will create a vastly different life than the you that is disconnected from you yourself all that, to say it's time for you to come home. I look forward to talking to you next week. Until next time, my friend. Bye for now. I hope you enjoyed today's episode of the mentor for Moms podcast with Susan C and if you did, would you be willing to share it with a friend? Maybe even the two of you could make plans to get together to talk about the things you heard and talk about ways that you all can live out this concept of today's episode and maybe hold each other accountable, allow this mentoring podcast to just be a catalyst to start conversations into began to create a community within your friendship circles.

I would love to hear about how you and your friends get together and what you all discussed and how you're living it out. It would just really encourage me to know that this conversation is not just me and you on the couch, but now it's me and you and your friend in the coffee shop or your your ladies group at the church or the women in your neighborhood getting together and listening together and really making a commitment to live this out. That's what it's all about. I look forward to talking to you next time. Bye for now.

104. Re-Connecting To You
104. Re-Connecting To You
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