Mentor for Moms Podcast with Susan Seay

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101. Tired As A Mother

by Susan Seay
June 14th 2021
00:33:30
Description

If you're a mom of tiny's, toddlers, or teens here's what you may be feeling right now:

  • Drained
  • Distanced

  • Los... More

Welcome to the mentor from mom's podcast, episode number 101. Do you end up getting one word answers when you're trying your hardest to talk to your kids or even worse do you get a shoulder shrug or a mumbled grunt as a quick answer when you ask them questions like, hey, how was your day? Fine, what have you been up to? Nothing. If you too have experienced these short conversations? I say let's put an end to dead in conversations with our kids. The intentional parent card set contains two decks the questions intentional parents ask their kids is one set That has over 40 questions including mom favorites, like 10 questions to ask your kids every year and five questions to ask when your kids won't listen. Part two of the set helps you to be more intentional as a mom with simple doable ideas, if you ever find yourself needing a simple suggestion on how to be more intentional, but you want it to be highly effective, grab your card set today, order your card set by visiting Susan C dot com forward slash shop, that Susan C S E A Y dot com forward slash shop, this is the mentor for moms podcast, the place where you can learn simple practical tools to be intentional with your family, even when life gets busy, give yourself permission to take the next few minutes to be encouraged by me, your host.

Susan C you see, I've been in the trenches of Motherhood for over 20 years as a mom of seven international speaker author and certified life coach, my goal is to pretend that you and I are curled up on my living room couch having a chat about the frustrations as well as the joys of the journey. I'm so glad you're here. Yeah, yeah, well, hey, hey and welcome back to the mentor for moms podcast. I'm Susan C and I am so incredibly delighted that you decided to join me here today. We're in for another great conversation because really here's the truth. That's all we do here on this on this podcast as we have some of the most incredible conversations. We talk about the things, this is the place for the things the mom things, the mom life things, we talk about it and I've been on pause a little bit because I've been traveling uh some of you who are joining me here, we have met face to face, We've seen each other at conferences.

We've had an opportunity to talk in the halls and take pictures and share stories. Love it. Um and then I have had so many of you who have signed up for private mentoring with me and you're working with me in coaching and helping you to put some of these ideas into play in your life. Woo Yes, love that work. And so as I've been bringing so many of you online and getting you on my calendar and in my schedule, I just needed to pause here on the podcast for a minute to get that acclimated. Uh, and then some of you have signed up for that home school 123 and we're working through that mentoring group all through the summer that's kicked off and that's now in play and in motion that we're making strides. So there's lots of good things that have been happening And not to mention just the regular life part of my, of my world, not just the work, but the life part of um, wrapping up the 20th year of home schooling and getting our feet under us of like, okay, we're transitioning in the summer and what does that look like for us this year and what's happening and you know, in the throws of planning a graduation that's happening in a couple of weeks and also many good things, like so many good things.

And um at the same time it gave me a moment to pause and think about like, what should we be talking about next here on the podcast? Like what's, what's the heartbeat of the moms right now? What's the pulse on the conversation that I keep hearing moms have, whether it's when they're working with me privately or in groups or I'm seeing the social posts that are going through or the threads that are happening in some of the groups that I'm a member of and it's been interesting and if there's one word, I could boil it all down to, it would be tired hired to hired. If you thought it was just you please know in this moment, it is not just you and it is not about your plans or your schedules, it's not about your ability at all, It's not about you being lazy, it's not any of those things. My goodness. There's just been so much that has been dog piled on the backs of moms of the past.

Well goodness, we could just say for a long time. I wanted to say over the past 14, 16 months. I feel like that load has just been increased exponentially. But overall moms have always carried a certain weight to that responsibility in that role of motherhood. So if you find that at this season in life, You're constantly thinking about an escape. You're like, is it a vacation? Is it just to get away? Do I just opened the door and run? Uh target doesn't stay open long enough for me to feel like I finally had a moment. Target would have to be open 25 hours a day in eight days a week. You know, uh Like I need more than what they could really offer me. Maybe you find yourself that you're just too tired to enforce your own rules right now in the house. Like you got rules about running or yelling or hitting or whatever and you're just like, yeah, I see them doing that and you know, somebody should say something and unfortunately that someone is probably me and I'm just not doing it.

I am, I just, I just don't have it in me. You know where you can you can see that child doing something, they shouldn't like pulling on that thing that you know, if they keep pulling on that it's gonna fall and it's gonna pop them in the head and you tried to say before, don't do that, don't do that. But at this season you're so tired, you're just watching them. Like here it goes like this right here, right here, right here, wow. You like, see, see I knew that was gonna happen and and in spite of them crying, all you can think is c you don't learn. I tried to tell you you're going to learn because that's just the level of mom tired you are in right now. Maybe you just find yourself glued to a coffee cup like you just keep refilling that bad boy here. Like fill it up again. Maybe this will hit me this time. Maybe the first three cups didn't have the real Hit I need. But that 4th cup is gonna help me out. I don't know where you are in your level of tired, slightly tired or hit a wall.

But anywhere on that range know that it's not just you, I recently had the opportunity to have a conversation with a girlfriend. She and I spent a couple of days and a night together and man, was that good for both of our souls. And we got to have some conversations that I'm going to kind of weave into our talk today because I think you can relate to this too. Matter of fact when she and I were talking, I kept thinking, man, I wish that we could record some of this because I think other moms would be like, yeah, like meet you. So I'm trying to bring you the best of the best right? You know all the rabbit trails and squirrel outs that we did in the conversation. You get to skip all of that and just get the good stuff. So I pulled the good stuff for you. So one of those things we talked about is how in motherhood, we are surrounded by unspoken expectations. Those unspoken things that just are expected to be handled. And the assumption is and that would be you momma, you're handling that right?

So it can sound simple to say that their their summer is upon us. And what summer plans are we going to have? What are we going to do this summer? And maybe you say, okay the kids are going to actually go and visit grandma but then somebody's gotta contact grandma and someone's got to make the arrangements and then you know about like when they're going, but then how are they getting there and how are they getting home and what do they need to have when they go to grandmama's who's getting those clothes that bu w right. Um and then once you get the clothes and make sure they got all the things then you've got to make sure they get to grand mama's and then even while they're at grandma's they might call you for some things and check in and once again that's you because you're expected to still be able to answer some questions on a dime when they called unannounced mom, what's that log in again for netflix or hey mom, can we go over here? Hey mom! Hey mom! Hey mom! Hey mom that it can still happen via phone and the expectation is of course mom will know.

Of course Mom just has that password sitting right there in the front of her mind, it was right there just waiting for someone to ask, right? And that's just one example of a myriad of decisions and a myriad of tasks and a myriad of responsibilities that we as moms are managing every single day, but a lot of that stuff is so unspoken and I feel like the unspoken got magnified and increased during the past 14 months. Of of course you're supposed to know about what the world an RNA virus is right of course and how it affects the body and how Children are supposed to manage that of course and where to buy masks on a dime and how to deal with all the other challenges of life that are still happening, like how to be instantly your child's entire social circle, you're their friend, but you're also there mom, you're there uh birthday party planner, but also their solo guest and you are this and your that follow like you are all of the things all of a sudden and it's just supposed to happen why?

Because your mom that's unspoken expectations. Mhm. So moms, it's time. Okay, It is time to refresh so you don't faint, we don't want you falling out, We don't want you breaking down, we don't want that. It's time for you and I to make our way back from mom fatigue, that level of tired that we are in right now. It's time to work our way back out of that thing. It's time to find our way back from overwhelm enough already, let's be done. Let's figure out our way out of this thing. Like we are down in here together, but let's figure our way out. And if you found your way out, go grab some mama's hands and pull them out. Okay, show them. Hey, follow me. It's this way y'all. Here's the exit. Got it. Let's do it because I just think that as a group, as a community of moms, we have reached the level of exhaustion that sleep just can't fix this is not about how many hours of sleep a night we're getting, although I'm sure many of us could stand to get a few more hours, but it's really not about that.

We could get those hours and still feel this level of tired because it's not rooted in that physical exhaustion. It's that mental load that we're carrying that's wearing us flat out. So for moms of thai knees, toddlers or teens, you might be feeling a combination of the following feelings. You might be feeling drained or distracted, lost alone. How about like you simply just don't have it, whatever it is you're like, I don't have it whether it's patients or a creative idea or solution or a listening ear or whatever it is. You're like, I don't have it. I know you all want me to have a family, but I just don't feel like I do because his mom's, I don't know if we've ever stopped long enough to recognize what we are, what we've been charged to care about what we're expected to care about.

Here's a few of those examples, growth charts, grades, bedtime stories, brushed teeth, bowel movements, homework habits, health, both physical and mental attitudes, activities, doctor's appointments, healthy meals and making memories essentially. We are care full like full up to the neck, full up to the tippy, top of our heads. We are full of cares. We're expected to have those cares because we're mom. But what happens when we are care full like we are full up can't take in anymore care because we care about so much most of the time as moms, we are on the ball. But right now we can't even pull it together together enough to be on anything but netflix social media or some other place for a momentary escape. Hello somebody Hello. Like usually you could be on the ball and handle it and getting things done right now.

You think all I can do is be on my phone. All I can do is log into my netflix or hulu or some other account and just click play and yes, just in case you're wondering, I am still watching right. Moms are tired. Here's a few things. Moms are tired of. Moms are tired of being the responsible one. Moms are tired of the pressure to enjoy every moment. Moms are tired of trying to work like they're not a parent but parents like they don't work. Moms are tired of clothes not bidding but also having the, they're tired of the expectation to have a pre baby or pre mom life or pre pandemic. Look, here's we're stepping out of our doors and seeing some people for the first time. We've seen them in months. We might look a little different. There's no such thing as comfort food and we went through a whole panoramic out here. Y'all. That's my joking name for the pandemic. Okay, We went through a whole pandemic, whole shutdown in isolation and pulled away and yes, sometimes we comforted ourselves with something to eat and we might look a little different.

Some of us might look heavier, some of us might look lighter, but we also are tired of the expectation that our bodies should remain the same no matter what we go through in life, our bodies change. They just do. Moms are tired of other people's expectations, but they're also tired of their own. We are a complicated mix. We get it and it still doesn't change. The fact that we're tired. Moms are tired of never finishing anything and then what they do finish can be undone in seconds. Boom, you got it done and who it is now undone. Moms are tired of having no time alone and yet feeling alone. Even if they're in the midst of a busy house. Moms are tired of needing help but also tired of feeling like a burden because they asked for help. Oh, it's just such an interesting time. It's such an interesting space we're in. But most of the reasons that we're tired, I want to stress this is not because of the physical strain of motherhood, the physical activities that we do in a day, but it's the mental load that we're carrying.

The root of most exhaustion and motherhood is mental. The mom brain never gets a break from the moment we wake up to the moment we had to bed. There's always something to think about. We think about everything that needs to be done for work the house, the spouse and so much more. Even as we lay in bed at night, our body may be still, but our mind is still flip flopping between what happened and what's to come, we're looking backwards and going, ah man, which I could have done that differently, I wish that wouldn't happen, which was uh and then we're thinking ahead like next time and then tomorrow and next week and at their birthday and when, when the grandparents come and when we go on vacation and the, this is not a planning activity moment, it's not like we're thinking ahead and we're in planning mode, we're in this like just spinning out on thoughts about what's going to come and what needs to be done and what should happen and it's creating even more of a drain even though we may be in the bed attempting to relax, the brain is still going.

We even have moments where we're trying to do like Susan C says on the mentor for moms podcast and we're trying to delegate tasks that need to be taken care of, to make our household run without a hitch, but we're also feeling like we're responsible for remembering to remind everybody what to do and if we forget the task that's left undone isn't a reflection on like the kid who forgot to the spouse who forgot or whatever. It's like, well that's another reflection on me, another moment. I missed another ball that was dropped and even that thought is tiring. So you think, I don't even want to delegate. I mean, I was already doing it, I might as well just do it myself. Like why delegated? And then now I've got this new task of trying to remind the people to do the thing that I told them to do. Mhm I feel like somebody was in the kitchen washing dishes and they just threw their fork and things like, I mean, she is telling my business right here on the podcast. She is talking at me like that. I feel that way. Yes, yes, yes. I'm telling you saying here, I just had a full on counseling conversation with a dear friend and she helped me with that because I was in that mode, I had delegated some tasks and one by one, people were dropping the ball and for some reason, instead of my usual recognition of, hey, I delegated that test to you, you agreed to complete it now, we need to work through you completing what you said, you would do.

You don't get just to come back to me and said, oh, sorry, didn't get it done. And then I'm scrambling to figure it out. No, I was just scrambling to figure it out. I didn't do any kind of corrective conversation with them renegotiating the commitment conversation with them, nope, I just took it on like God took it, that's me, Okay. Um let me see, let me figure it out. One of them was someone who had agreed to take care of getting the groceries ordered and picked up, dropped the ball. No groceries ordered, No groceries picked up. Well, guess what always happens in the household, People get hungry so people get hungry, we're looking for food. There's no food instead of saying, hey, so there was an agreement for you to do groceries that didn't happen. So what's the plan? You weren't able to fulfill your commitment? So what is it that you're going to do instead instead of going down that line of thinking, which I usually do. I went into, oh man, here's where I dropped the ball. Oh guys, and I'm apologizing to the family. Sorry for not getting the groceries in here.

Um let me see, let me figure something out and I'm scrambling running around, running through the freezer, pulling stuff out trying to figure out and exactly how long will this mystery package of food from the freezer take to defrost for me to figure out what it is. So that then I could actually turn it into something we're going to eat And any time I, I follow that line of thought my hubby goes and on that note, um let me get my shoes, I'm going to pick something up. I'm not doing this with you babe, come on, I don't want this mystery package. I don't know what this is. I don't want the suspense of it all, nor do I want to wait another hour and a half before we can actually eat something. I could go pick something up, we could be back here, we could be eating. You can use that another day, but not tonight. So that's how that usually works out. But what, even though the people eat, it doesn't remove that in my mind. My brain is still spinning about how I dropped the ball, how I let everybody down.

And yeah, we might have taken care of tonight, but the groceries, we still need them for the rest of the week and I already had something else I needed to do. So what exactly am I supposed to get the groceries ordered it. Ah but what happened for me is there was a, a series of balls that were dropped and commitments that had been made by others to me that were being dropped. And so I had this one by one by one thing that was coming back on me or at least that's how I took it. Like this is back on me and I hit a wall. Y'all, I'm here to tell you I hit up, let me tell you what kind of wall I hit, I hit it, I fix some food, put it on the table. I ate in silence. Then I proceeded to grab my shoes, grab my purse and I went for a drive. Didn't know where I was going. I ended up going out to the local mall and just walking around. I just needed to clear my head. But while I was walking I was talking to this friend and I was processing through what happened and she was the one who helped me to see.

Hey. So I'm curious right there between the all dropped and you saying I messed this up. What happened to the person who made the commitment? What happened to that? Like what about revisiting that conversation instead of you jumping into this? I'm a terrible mom, look at me. I didn't Of course people need to eat and what was I thinking and why didn't I double check that and I should have followed up the instead of you spinning out on all the ways that you went wrong. Like what about this? Simply going back to that conversation and that part of the conversation and that was so like mind blowing for me. I was like, I don't know what just happened to me there. But then all I could think is because this wasn't the only thing. There were several balls that were dropped, it was in the midst of me doing some other commitments and meeting some other commitments and I really didn't have time to process this and all of that just made me tired and so I couldn't think straight. Can you relate? I hope you're like nodding, going all this sounds real familiar Susan But I also hope that you hear in the midst of me sharing my story.

What the way out is if you're finding delegation to be even more of a burden for you that it's not about delegating to your Children and then okay now here's the fun thing. You get to remind them and remind them and remind them. No passing the torch of responsibility is saying this is now you and if you're hearing about delegation for the first time, we've had a whole podcast that outlines exactly how to do this. But if you've done some delegating but you found that it's feeling like it's really still in your court, like you gave that task to them but you're still taking on some responsibility. I want to I want you to hear that it's not about you're still staying involved in it as much as you helping to hold them accountable for what they've committed to do. So if they said they will take out the trash every evening and you find trash is not taken out, then the conversation is I've noticed for the past two nights that the trash has not been taken out.

Do you remember your commitment to that? And you're having a conversation about the character trait of thoroughness or follow through or commitment or responsibility. However you wanna word that you know get in touch with your core values as a family pull from those core values in this conversation that you're having with them about the task that you delegated to them. But resist that being a reflection on you. One of the things that I like to say is your Children's behavior is not about you. It's about youth, their youth, their young and they need us to help guide them and correct them and instruct them and prepare them. But it's not for us to take it on that when their youth shows up in their actions or in actions that we go. There we go. There's more evidence of how I'm failing as a mom, how I missed it. How I should have done better or I should have known or should have prepared or I should have and we go all into those places, right?

That it's not about that. It's about instead just recognizing. Here's an opportunity to have a conversation that gives them more instruction. If that's what you see is needed or guidance or correction or accountability, That's the opportunity that we have there. Okay. So we've talked about a lot of facts about why we're so tired. We've identified that and I'm hoping that as I've shared that that's giving you some language for what's going on for you because sometimes his mom's we feel so tired and all we can say is I'm tired. We can't think of exactly why it is. We're not clear on what God is there. We didn't know where there you're like. I don't know what street I took to get here, but I know where I am. I'm on tired street. Okay? It's a dead end street. That's what it is. This dark alley, That's where we are. Mhm. So, since we've talked about some facts, let me share some truth with you. Okay, here's mom. Truth number one. No matter how much sleep you get, if your mind never rests, you will not fix your fatigue, I want you to know that.

So, as we are approaching the summers, we are entering into the summertime or whatever time of year that you're listening to this, if you are at the place where you are so tired, the sleep can't fix it. That sleep will never fix that fatigue. If you don't rest. That mind, your mind needs a break. It's not a good idea. It needs it. Mom. Truth # two, productivity looks different in motherhood. So if you are still trying to measure your productivity like you did pre kids, Okay. Here's what I got done today. Here's what I accomplished. Here's what I finished. Here's how far I moved the needle forward and this and that and that. Then you're going to continually feel frustrated. I want you to think of mothering as a season of investing. Think of investing. As you know, you're just slowly putting money away. Slowly putting money into an account. You're investing that money into something been over time. You began to see some of the results. That's what motherhood is. Like. It's not the quick fix right?

It's not a H. G. T. V. D. I. Y. Project 30 minute thing. Look at the results were done. Look at that wow we took this thing from a tear down of a house to a beautiful mansion. 30 minutes man. 30 minutes show which we went through the whole steps. No that's not mothering. Mothering. Is that slow investment? A slow steady investments being placed in the Children that God's given you. And over time you'll begin to see some returns and in the end I pray that each one of you have Children that rise up and call you blessed but they must rise up that it's a time. That's a series. That's a process that doesn't happen right away Mom. Truth # three. When you're overly tired even solutions to simple problems can seem like too much work. Mm I laughed because oh I feel that sometimes like you're trying to figure out what's for dinner and it just all feels like too much or even trying to figure out what movie you wanna watch you like you've decided I'm going to watch something on netflix but then trying to figure out what that is.

Even that feels like too much. Maybe you're trying to sign your kids up for some activities or people are already talking to you about like what's going on in the fall and you're thinking I don't know. I don't know if we're going to do soccer or football. We, I don't know if we're gonna do a piano, violin and this all feels like too much. That's a sign that you're overly tired. Because even if you had someone provide you with the solution here is the violin teacher I teach, call her, get on her calendar. You feel like, uh, then I got to call her, I'm gonna have to leave a voicemail because I'm sure she's not gonna pick up, then she's gonna call me back and then we got to figure out when we can get on the phone together so we can coordinate that, nah, this feels like too much. That's a sign that you're tired. You don't need to make a decision in that time. What you need to do is make a decision to rest. You don't need to make a decision about a violin teacher or camp or an activity. You need to make a decision to rest. You get enough rest, you get you some rest. All this other stuff will start to make sense. I promise you that. But nothing makes sense when you're overly tired.

Matter of fact, it's all an irritation. It's all overwhelming and it all just feels like too much Mom, Truth # four, overthinking is not thinking. It's a negative thought spiral. That's more like marinating on one theme with multiple thoughts that are attached to it, but they all follow that same theme. See thinking leads to clarity while overthinking it leads to greater feelings of overwhelming loss of direction. We think we're being intentional when really we're just stuck. So if you are in a pattern of overthinking your taxing that mom brain, that mom brain is just spinning out, it's probably not thinking, it's a negative thought spiral. We've got to interrupt that spiral. Got to break it up. We've got to got to find an exit away from that. Okay. And you and I as we began to get able to give language and identify why we're so tired, Like what the reason why we're feeling this way? What are those unexpected expectations that are floating around?

Where the places where I'm overthinking, where is the places where I just need to rest? And I keep trying to spin out, I gotta make a decision. I need to figure this out. Where is the places that you're marking productivity and your pre kid life and you need to make an adjustment and recognize this is a season of investments, lots and lots of investments. Where is it that I am denying that? Where I'm expecting that, denying where I'm expecting rest to fix this level of fatigue when it's not just physical rest I need but a mental break. I want you to reflect on those things After you finished listen to this podcast, the next time we get together here on the virtual couch, we're going to talk about the seven types of rest that every mom needs because if you've established that, yep, Susan, that's me. I'm tired. I don't want to just leave you with this understanding of why you're tired and some of the truth around your tiredness. But I also want to give you some solutions and some practical ideas for how you can get rest and we're gonna talk about seven types of rest next time.

I've enjoyed our time together. I look forward to next time. Bye for now. I hope you enjoyed today's episode of the mentor for Moms podcast with Susan C and if you did, would you be willing to share it with a friend? Maybe even the two of you could make plans to get together to talk about the things you heard and talk about ways that you all can live out this concept of today's episode and maybe hold each other accountable, allow this mentoring podcast to just be a catalyst to start conversations into began to create a community within your friendship circles. I would love to hear about how you and your friends get together and what you all discuss and how you're living it out. It would just really encourage me to know that this conversation is not just me and you on the couch, but now it's me and you and your friend in the coffee shop or your your ladies group at the church or the women in your neighborhood getting together and listening together and really making a commitment to live this out.

That's what it's all about. I look forward to talking to you next time. Bye for now.

101. Tired As A Mother
101. Tired As A Mother
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