Raw Rants | A Podcast by Stephan K Thieringer

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by Stephan K Thieringer
August 20th 2021

Toxicity is real and we all have experienced it or are even part of a toxic dynamic.   Sometimes others bring out the toxicity in us and if you see yourself being that way, it may be time to let th... More

Hello and welcome to rants your podcast where we talk about all the stuff that happens right at the intersection of life and business, my name is Stefan tearing er and I am your host, I'm an angel investor. I'm a serial entrepreneur. I'm a dad. I'm a fool and a heart attack survivor Connect with me on social media. I'm on Instagram, I'm on Twitter, I'm on Facebook, I have a website or connect to our community number at 6173-13-8-7. Let me know what you think about this episode or any other episode you'd like to chat about? Give me some of your thoughts, let me know what you'd like me to talk about. Let me know how I can help you. My name is Stephanie, surrender your host here at the raw brands podcast, grateful you're here and we're ready for the next episode listening.

Here we go folks, welcome old friends, Welcome back new friends. Great to have you here today. We're gonna talk about a very, very difficult but also very important subject and that is toxicity. Yeah, I think we've all, many, many times heard the word, oh green flags, Red flags! Watch out. That person is toxic and you know what, in a lot of levels and a lot of times we have probably wondered about how to deal with a friend, a family member. Maybe it's a romantic partner and we simply say that person is difficult to get along with. So welcome to another episode of Ron rants. My name is Stefan tearing your, I'm your host and you can find us everywhere where you get your social media fix if that's on linkedin, if that's on twitter, if that's on facebook and we also have a web page called Ra rants.

One of the things that we as people who are exposed to toxic people after times experience or we make other people feel depending who we are in, that dynamic is degraded and manipulated. So if you ask yourself that question, do you have people who make you feel degraded or people who make you feel manipulated? Maybe that is a good jump off point to ask yourself, do you have toxic people in your ecosystem? So the piece I want to focus on today is is really 23 things. The first thing is I want to focus on how can you potentially recognize that you have somebody in your life that is a toxic person. The second piece I want to really focus on is what is it, you know, that allows you to really say this is working for me or not. Kind of assessing your own feelings. And then the third part being really how can you interact with people in your life?

That shows some form of toxicity. The one thing I want to say though is also this when you deal with toxic people and I'm really inviting all of you to think about that for a moment. There's a reason why people are who they are and oftentimes there's a story in the history behind it and oftentimes particular with toxicity, there's some trauma sitting behind it. That does not mean though. And I don't want anybody to hear that, particularly if you are one of those people and partially I've been myself in situations where probably I was the one exuberant in the toxicity. It does not give you a green light to do whatever you feel you get to do to other people. And that speaks about empathy that speaks about taking responsibility and accountability. And you've heard me talk about that a lot. Yeah. So let's talk for a moment about how do you what are the signs of someone who is a toxic person?

One of the things that's always interesting is when you are around certain people, they always have a lot of issues around them, right? They create them and they always have a lot of issues around them. The second part is somebody who is very toxic. It's always always always demanding that you give them your attention. And the other interesting part though is that they're always extremely critical of themselves, but also on the external side, very, very critical of other people. Another part of a toxic person is that is that piece that cycle they're stuck in, right? They don't want to do anything about it to actually make themselves better now. I'm not talking about being perfect. I'm not talking about completely switching off what you're dealing with if you are one of those people but what I am talking about is go and try to change make an effort and also make an effort of the consistency of trying to get better debt alibi off going once to the therapist once having a conversation about it that does not change it.

It never does, does it? Mhm. Another piece which is interesting about people is a lot a lot of negativity and I would say maybe described them as angry right there very irritable. They get easily upset at the smallest slightest piece of something and particularly in interactions with each other if you're in a relationship, if that's professional or not, you feel when you're with those people that you constantly have to watch your back so they don't jump on you. Yeah. So what usually happens when there is somebody particularly toxic in the side of angry, they shouted people, they threaten people, they interrogate people constantly with kind of a hostile interrogations, questioning and the language they use is oftentimes foul, it's strong and it's very, very intense. And then there was that flavor of that person who's toxic who constantly constantly constantly complains endlessly about their own lives and they're never satisfied with how you deal with them.

And frankly oftentimes those people they don't really contribute anything positive to a relationship and constantly they feel that they're being distrusted and they have this constant, frankly unnecessary negativity towards others, they just have a difficult time being positive. They're hard to be around and it's kind of when you stand next to them, you feel constantly you need an umbrella because they're standing in this unending dark cloud overhead. Not a good spot to be at. And here's my invitation for you when you are around people like that. Try to self assess. You've heard me talk about self assessment a lot. Try to assess how you feel around those people. Yeah. A useful way to determine if people are toxic is again, check in with yourself. How do you feel? Do you feel drained? Does it feel like that kind of sucking your energy out of you?

Do you feel you're walking constantly constantly, eggshells because you're afraid of saying the wrong thing because maybe they're going to react to you negatively. And then another piece is is it difficult for you to listen to your own voice, so to speak? Are they making it hard for you to listen to you your own values and kind of being authentically you. And do you feel that they're really taking you for full you feel smaller less important around that particular individual or for that matter? Maybe there's a group dynamic that makes you feel that way? That's another good flag to pay attention to mm So one of the things I want to know also invite you for is how do you talk to people like that, right? Meaning? How do you express yourself meaningful and effectively? And the reality is this. There are moments in friendships and in relationships where tension is there and that you also in those moments that you are able to express your feelings clearly.

The other part is particularly those relationships start by listening, make sure that you acknowledge what the other person is saying before you counter with your own perspective, abuse talk about you don't talk about them whenever you enter into any kind of a dialogue, never ever tell them what they need to do. Talk about how things make you feel, don't tell them what they're doing wrong. So for an example, I feel like you don't value my time rather than saying you're always late and it's really route that one is never going to go anywhere. Thing One thing we have to talk about when we talk about boundaries, it's the thing about boundaries, right? I said you know, cast long before I said listen guys, if you are in a relationship, if you're in a dialogue where I tell you what works for me well then what I'm really saying is you're still important for me, you're still important to me.

I want you to stay in my life. But this is the mode of operation we need in order to continue living our relationship tell people how you accept to be treated, expect to be treated because you know what, this is a strange statement I'm going to make now, but a lot of people don't know what's acceptable behavior. Maybe something is acceptable to you. What's not acceptable to me. That's why we are uniquely you and uniquely me be very, very clear about those boundaries which let the other person know what behaviors you will and won't put up with. Mhm. Yeah, there's another part I was directed to by somebody who has been on all podcast Elizabeth Earnshaw while ago and she's talking about red flags and she's talking about The four horsemen, John Gottman dubbed it the four horsemen, which is kind of a mythical play on the four horsemen of the apocalypse coming the signal.

The end of times. The four horsemen aren't these four things criticism which is describing character flaws within your partner, your business partner, your significant other defensiveness, which is where you don't take any responsibility for your part. The part of contempt which is belittling and taking a superior position and stonewalling, which is shutting out the other person and shutting down entirely and not listening. Mhm. A big part is also this if someone that you're with frequently criticizes you or other people all the time. You may notice like I said earlier. Always or never you always late. You never think about me. That's the criticism part. The defense business is kind of the counter criticizing right over explaining justifying actions or playing the victim. We've all heard that and I've done that in my past. So I take full ownership here. Mhm. And the justification of defensiveness can be the well, I just meant to remember we talked about apologies awhile ago.

So for the example here I wrote down is this I know I keep showing up late, but I have a really busy job. Why don't you get that guilting you into? Why don't you understand me? It's a little bit that victim role again too. And then that stonewalling thing, right? It's the result of obviously having a lot, a lot, a lot of different things coming on to you. They're probably completely flooded overwhelmed. And what happens is if they're stonewalling, it's almost like they're completely zoning out or they couldn't care less what you're actually saying. Maybe it's as you're talking with each other or maybe it's one of those conversations, right? 2021. The text message conversation, they go offline and they don't respond and you're kind of sitting there and wondering, yeah, that's not good either. Now, here's the biggest part.

If you look at the four horsemen, there's one very important one to look at which is contempt because contempt is happening when somebody thinks they're superior to you or if I think I'm superior to you, they talk down to you. It's like put dots mean spirit of sarcasm, they're laughing at you, they don't love with you. Whatever you share in your interests or profession or feelings, they're putting you down and in one way or another what the other person is left with or what you're left with. If you're part of that play is you feel that they are taking on a position of being better than you in some way out of the four horsemen and every therapist that I've talked too, for that matter of some of my own, that is probably the biggest flag out of all of them. Mhm. So, I think the final piece here, I want to leave with you is this one of the biggest things you can do is in life and business, in relationships or anywhere else is taking responsibility, own your shit and all your problems as small as they may be, when you take responsibility in business or in a relationship, you validate the concern and before you respond and talk over the other person, take a pass.

The other part is the reality of we all get upset and it's very human to have overwhelming emotions from time to time. And it's like I said earlier, it's flooding your gates. You don't know what to do with it. It's that self suing, taking the time out, allowing people a break, being okay with the other person, taking that break and giving them that space. Mhm. Yeah. I think the bottom line is this if you have toxic people in your life, think about the boundaries you need to set and invite them to respect them. I think it's important that if I'm expressing contempt, I need to lean into recognizing and expressing feelings. I need to be able to express and explore past experiences that may lead me to feel angry, hostile.

Or simply maybe it's sadness or whatever else it may be towards the partner that's a business and that's impersonal. Mhm. Again, focus on your feelings and feel free to express those sing is instead and make sure they land softly instead of I can't believe you're late. You are appalling me, disgusting me. Whatever else it is. Maybe it's when you're late, it makes me feel angry. It makes me feel sad. Mm It makes me feel rejected. The thing is this if that's in business or if that's in personal life, we want people and partners and significant albums around us who are gentle with us, even if they're upset with us, we want them to take responsibility for their actions just as we expect and we are expected to take responsibility for our own actions and we do need because we're all human.

We need to understand how to soothe our nervous system. That's worth breathing. If that's with meditation, maybe it's exercising and we do need to give the space for their own past pain and resentment so that whatever comes up in that moment, what we kindly so often referred to as it triggered me. That we're able to deal with that conflict in a gentle way without resentment. So glad you were all here today. My name is Stephan tearing er I'm your host here at rock France. Thanks for listening in today. We talked about toxicity today and setting those boundaries and I'm really in the most genuine way. I'm inviting you to explore that a little bit because we all have those people in our life.

Okay, sometimes we eject them out of our life and then we wish we had them back and that takes work. It takes reflection and sometimes it takes the time out to have to come back and sometimes life is just better without them. If that's in business or in personal, let me say something else here, toxicity is not something that just happens on the outside of your family, toxicity is something we all have those relationships within our family where we go, That person is really not supporting me, serving me in a positive way. So, ask yourself those questions as well and set those boundaries too. Thank you again. So very much for all of you being here. We are being found and you can find us on all major platforms wherever you get your podcast fix and come look us up also in social media and connect with me and send me some thoughts and ideas.

And if you have some guests that you think would be fantastic people here on the podcast. I'd love to speak with them and see how we can bring them on to share their story, their journey with us, all of here and with you, old friends and new friends on ra rants, immensely grateful you were here. I think I said that about four times now, just to make sure, like in marketing, you really know that I'm super grateful you were here and this is mhm. Stefan out. Yeah, yeah.

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