Redefining Success

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#9 SHOULD is a dangerous word

by Ruta Stasiunaite
June 2nd 2021

To redefine success you've got to reprogram the language you use. But not just the language used for verbal communication. Even more importantly - the way your subconscious mind limits you ... More

Ooh la la la, I love you baby. Ooh la la la la love me tonight. Uh okay, so for some reason I had this song in my mind just before recording this episode, I am saying Welcome to the Redefining Success podcast and I'm your host, Dakota. And in this episode we're going to talk about why should is a very dangerous word. Words like should always never. And you know, other words of that nature are programmed in your subconscious mind in a way that really, really, really doesn't serve you and let me prove that to you and let me explain why self talk and language like this has programmed you to behave a certain way to make certain decisions, to basically live your entire life a certain way.

And for example, when I was witnessing my older brother and father having a tense relationship due to my brother being more into sports than academics, which was not what my father expected of him at the time. It caused a lot of conflict and tension in our household. And so as a younger sister, I subconsciously decided, uh huh, I'm going to be a good girl, I'm going to please my dad. So he doesn't get angry. That's how, you know, I'm supposed to live my life, I should be a good girl forever. Always and forever. I should never disappoint people. I should never make people angry. So all of these stories started, you know, playing in the back of my head, that's how they should became my lifestyle. So for example, um I believed I shouldn't leave my boyfriend as he's sick because Good Girls don't do that or I should not quit my studies because Good Girls don't quit, I should feel guilty for being different and wanting different things compared to my family because Good girls fit in and state.

So basically all these stories um have created a, you know, in our conflict really. So it was causing a lot of pain in my heart because it felt as if I was living someone else's life, I was not really being true to myself. And so let's think of some more examples you may resonate with, let's say you think you should take care of others because you grew up in a with an absent father. So you have developed this responsibility or sense of responsibility to take care of others. Um, and in that way, letting that responsibility of others overrule your own needs. Let's say maybe need privacy may be in need of your uh, I don't know, just prioritizing your own life and doing your own thing and spending time a certain way. And then you would always say yes, whenever people needed help or you might have built a massive protective wall to never, ever, ever, ever, ever express your deep emotions.

Because sometimes at school when you were a teenager, you openly told someone you like them, but they rejected you, they maybe even laughed at you and then you were left heartbroken. So now you think showing emotions and feelings, it's dangerous and therefore you need to protect yourself from being hurt again. So you get the point, the idea behind is to catch yourself whenever you use these kind of words. So in this case should, but even more importantly, when when you do think a certain way, just because you think you should. So basically you are doing something or taking action, you're seeing something just because you think you should, but not because you actually want to, when you go against your values, your desires, your integrity, you basically don't feel great about your life as a whole because you're kind of taking decisions and living your life against yourself.

I mean, yes, it does feel good, two are no say yes to people and to help people. But at the same time there are no boundaries and in some kind of way, maybe you feel disrespected or you know, used taking taking advantage of things like that and all of those, those um situations also apply to other generalizations such as always and never and so on. So again, another example from my own life when I was a child, I loved painting and I remember coming back home from school and wanting to finish my painting for the arts class. I love that. I literally would spend hours and hours and hours just painting and then my parents would come back from work and it was just, I would continuously paint and it was really, really fun for me. But over the years I developed this all or nothing belief which basically meant that I'll either become a famous artist and have my own gallery or I will not paint at all even for my own pleasure.

So in other words, my belief was I'll never be a famous painter, so I should not even bother. So this is how you develop a prison cell for yourself. Disempowering you're free expression and the potential to live on your own terms. And the way to break through it is to start noticing such disempowering beliefs and then slowly start breaking them down by doing things differently which actually support your own well being, which feel right for your soul, not your monkey mind, which tries to convince you otherwise. So, you know, your monkey mind will always be against, it's always going to to say hey, but I'm protecting you, your protective ego, the monkey mind telling you that you should do this or that it's always gonna be there.

So instead of listening to that same old broken record, start acknowledging your deepest desires and needs and actually follow through with it. So start being committed to yourself and your well being, start prioritizing yourself. And so I know that some people would say that prioritizing yourself is selfish, it's not good, it doesn't make any sense. You always should serve others blah blah blah blah and they might think that it's ridiculous to put yourself first, especially when you have a family, kids, employees, basically, you have a big heart, but there's a huge, huge, huge, huge but and maybe you've heard of the saying that just like on the plane, you've got to first put your own mask and only then help others put theirs. And that's exactly the idea behind that I want to express here. You can't be you cannot be of service to others in your full capacity with a low battery of yourself.

You cannot truly and I mean, really truly take care of other people without taking care of ourselves. Oftentimes people validate their own self worth through taking care of everything around them. And that is an imbalance in your energy that's consciously or unconsciously seeking love validation approval. Something that perhaps you did not receive in your childhood and you knew that you need to do something in order to get it. You need to earn it. So that is because you're not giving it to yourself first. And that's why you're seeking it externally, which ultimately doesn't make you any happier at all at all at all at all. So, if you want to be truly happy fulfilled and free and expressing yourself authentically, it's really time for you to remove those words, like should always and never um and it's time to start treating yourself with the love and care that you deserve because you need to become your own best friend once and for all, not a secondary person, not somebody who's sitting in the back seat of your own car.

Like you need to take care of yourself. You need to fuel that, that car you need to like to actually move forward. Any car needs fuel, right? I mean, even the electric cars also needs charging, so you need to charge yourself too. It's time to finally understand that you are worthy just the way you are, You are perfect, just the way you are. You don't need any validation. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. You don't need that fancy facade, facade, facade uh to show how cool you're you are on a surface. You don't need any of it. All you need is to connect with that awesome person that you already are within, build that sense of worthiness in a powerful way Drop the stories which are telling you otherwise let go of everything that's going against this new way of living and that's when you'll truly find peace and finally redefine success.

That's why I have created this podcast to really help you understand that this is how you need to redefine your, your success, your fulfillment, your sense of happiness, how you need to understand what it is truly about. And one aspect that I just mentioned about letting go letting Go is a topic on its own, which is like one of the most um important things that you can ever learn and I will definitely cover that in one of the future episodes. Um because it's a very it's a powerful and yet it's a simple, powerful thing, but not as easy to implement, because for our rational mind is really hard to comprehend what it actually means. But we will go into more detail when I will actually create an episode for that top for now.

I hope this made sense to you, and if you find this episode and the entire podcast helpful, please share it with people who will benefit from it. And by doing so, you will contribute to making the world a happier place. Thanks for listening and speak to you in the next episode.

#9 SHOULD is a dangerous word
#9 SHOULD is a dangerous word
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