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Ep. 117 Surrender VS. Settle

by Claudine Sweeney
February 24th 2022
00:21:53
Description
How do you know if you are surrendered or settling? In a relationship? At work? With your kids? With a goal or dream? Today, we talk about the difference between settling and surrendering and how we m... More
this is episode 1 18 Have you surrendered or settled? You're listening to the Rise up and Shine podcast with Claudine and Ashley as an empty nester and a mom with young kids. We have both shared very similar and very real struggles from chaos to coaches. We now help other women live an authentic and meaningful life. So tune in weekly for girl talk and tips on how you too can rise up and let your light shine bright. This is the Rise up and Shine podcast. Welcome back lovely listeners today. We're talking about a really interesting I think topic which is quitting or giving up versus surrendering and accepting. And the reason we're talking about this today is because recently I was talking to a good friend and I made mention of an older celebrity actress, she's in her seventies who looks amazing and I just shared that I was inspired by her and my friend turned around said, when are you going to just quit and give up?

You're never going to look like that. And I thought she said a little nicer than that. But basically it was like, that's how I took it and I was like, well I'm not, I didn't say a I wanted to look like her but be I thought it was inspiring to see someone a good two decades older than me just being healthy and fit and I thought, wow, that's very inspiring and my friend clearly felt like this was too hard. And so today that's what we're talking about because there are times we want to quit, right? When things get hard and what's the difference between quitting or settling versus surrendering and accepting their very different. So that's what we're talking about today, Ashley and giving up and settling. I really think of as synonymous, right? It's right. Very similar means basically the same thing. And surrender can also almost seem like the same thing. But there really is a big difference. Big difference. It takes looking at what's in our heart to identify the difference between those and because what happens is if we're really, you know, thinking, I mean, I hate to say, I think with your head, but really if we're really letting our head be the determining factor of our choices, then our head, a lot of times will make excuses or why I've Yeah, well maybe I shouldn't really go after that or maybe it's not going to work out.

And so we just kind of settle. And it's really important to look at your heart. What is the heart of the matter? Where is your heart coming from? And to help distinguish between settling or giving up and surrendering. It's a very different energy. I mean when you quit quit, so I looked up, the definition of quit is to give up and surrender is to yield or to forego in favor of another. And when I think about quitting or giving up, it's a defeated energy. It's negative, it's heavy as opposed to surrendering, which is a decision that we make, like you said with our heart, but it brings peace. It's a light energy, It's uh you know, positive as well, it gives you feeling more hopeful to write, I feel hopeful because you're trusting, it's really a leap of faith to surrender, okay, I am choosing to have hope and faith here right over the situation is and yeah, and I want to tag on to what you said about the defeating feeling um from settling and giving up is that's what leaves us stuck, right?

And I have and feel disappointed and um I could share personally about um situations in my own life where I have really had to look at my heart again am I settling or my surrendering? And one of it is in relationships with various different people and so not marriage, this is more like family and friends, but in certain relationships, I have just given up because that was what I was basically wired to do, write my own, my own neural pathways based on my trauma of childhood and my upbringing and you know, the way I kind of wired myself to think I would just fall into these thoughts like, well, you know, maybe they don't really care about me, You know, if they're not reaching out, if they really loved me, they'll reach out. I mean, how many of us have said that if you love me, you'll reach out or even thought that and I have, I lived in that place. And so but then there's also been times and relationships where I had to take an honest look at, I was, I was desiring my relationship to be something that I didn't feel like it was currently, but I had to look at it as am I giving up on the relationship or am I surrendering to maybe this is just the stage in our lives right now?

Maybe this is the phase that we're going through because sometimes relationships do just naturally die out or sometimes life circumstances get in the way and they might change a little bit and um but it can leave you questioning and wondering is this is this relationship still worth pursuing? What do I do? Because you also want to honor your own boundaries, which is important. But really taking an honest look like am I just giving up because I'm making excuses or reasons why like I don't want, I really don't want to fight hard for this relationship and leaving me feel negative and just feel like man, but I still do want a better relationship and I really had to learn to surrender and be like, okay, this is this is the nature of our relationship right now. It's not a blame, it's not anybody's fault, but you know pray about it still you can still be hopeful and feel at peace? Well that's the difference between surrender and quit. It's how do you feel like are you feeling peaceful or negative and defeated?

And the truth of it is our brains are wired. The primitive part at least is wired to protect us. The fight or flight to stay in our comfort zone. So the minute there's a struggle, the minute things get uncomfortable, we want to quit. Right? I've seen that pattern over and over. It feels hard, Right? And it's funny to talk about relationships because for me in my teens and twenties, when relationships got difficult, I just, they just ended like I didn't fight to make it right or keep them. I'm like, oh well, I guess that's over and just moved on. I was like, looking back, I'm like, well that friendship didn't need to be over. I just for me, Right. Right. Exactly. There was conflict, there was struggle. Certainly my marriage, I've shared this over and over. There were many times I wanted to quit, but the reward was worth the cost and the reward. There was being able to raise our Children together to stay married for long term. Even though there were seasons of difficulty for me. I knew they were just seasons.

My husband hadn't been unfaithful. He didn't have a gambling problem and drinking problem. There are of course legitimate reasons when people separate for the benefit in the health, mental health, physical health of one or both. And luckily I was surrounded with people in my life that helped me. Um take take inventory of the reward was the reward worth the cost. And it was of course as we sit here on the other side and I think one of the things we need to ask ourselves is this decision whether we quit or surrender or settle or surrender, is this going to help me be my best self? Will this bring honor to God? Because as christian women, obviously we want to honor God with our lives and we want to live our best life, right? We want to be the best version of ourselves to honor him. And so a lot of times I have to factor that into the equation like is this going to help me, is quitting, going to help me or is it going to, you know, push me back? Yeah, I like what you said, how you had women helping you see is the reward worth the cost and that I feel like that could be another bumper sticker there and I thought, gosh, when you're going through a hard time in order to really get yourself to think about the reward, you have to think way like, you know, you have to be hopeful.

Maybe you don't fully believe it at that moment, that there is a reward because we tend to see the negative, right? We're bombarded by the negative and our hurt feelings or disappointment unmet expectations, but we really have to fight to be hopeful for the reward 1st. The cost and I really believe especially in my relationships that God tells you, you know, you feel it, you feel it in your heart. I've I've been there, I've had friendships where I was at peace with kind of letting go of that. This is, this is just you know, we we were great friends in this season, life circumstances took us different ways and we're both at peace and you can feel that you really can't feel that there have been relationships where I have not felt good about accepting what was because I really desired more in that relationship and felt hopeful that we could get back to that place right.

And so to be hopeful and um fight for what you want and really communicate to if you need help or especially in relationships to communicate your hopes for the relationship is huge because then you really honestly get to know where the other person is. Um but really taking like you said inventory a like that, really recognizing that settling and giving up is an emotional response, right? And so and taking that and then being able to move forward and we get to talk about with certain practices right now and before we get to practice, I think about Galatians 69 and said, so let us not get tired of doing what is good at just the right time. We will reap a harvest a blessing if we don't give up and I think I need to hear that, I need to remind myself all the time. I'm not going to get tired of doing the good because it can, if we don't get the results we want like you and I have talked about even our businesses sometimes it's slow going. I was sick a few weeks ago and I told my husband, I feel like I'm climbing uphill in mud in relationship to my business and then I was so tired and sick and I was like, I think I just want to quit, like I don't need to do this.

You know, we could sell our house and moved to a small town and I'd never have to work again, but I had to explore the reward, the benefit versus the cost. And I know I don't want to get tired of doing what is good and right now we both feel like we're adding value and doing good and helping other women live their best life, helping other women rise up and shine, you know, as moms as wives, as christians. So, um, and if you did quit, ask yourself, would you really be at peace with that decision? Yeah. You ask yourself, you can honestly say no. It was an emotional reaction. This is just how I was feeling. I was having a rough day and we do that. We make so many decisions based on our feelings and how we, you know our emotions well, the limbic system, which is part of our brain, it includes the pleasure center and it always we want to seek relief and it makes those emotional, impulsive decisions like I quit. This is too hard. And you had some examples of things we say to each other. Yeah, yeah.

Some common thoughts. Yeah. But that goes into our first practical checking your thoughts. Yeah. It could be very common to think or to say it's not meant to be. Maybe it's not in the cards for me. And we can think that about certain job position. We can think that about relationship, we can think about that love. You know, there's so many different areas of your life that that can apply to these thoughts. Another one is I can't do this, this is too hard. It's really not working out. So these are things that and it's very limiting. Its very very limiting thinking, limited thinking that's keeping us stuck and we're not surrendering even though we might think, well I'm just surrendered to what is but really inside at your corps, your Corps knows that I'm not really happy about that because you still desire I want this I want and but it feels hard and it feels impossible sometimes. But sometimes we just to be quite honest have to get over ourselves and those thoughts because those thoughts are not necessarily true, but it's how we feel.

Yeah, exactly. And the second practical is be mindful and be curious about those thoughts. I know for me recently, I think I shared this and I know with you, I'm not sure if on the podcast, but I was doing some advertising for my business and figuring out facebook ads about did me in. It was really difficult and I just thought I really don't want to do this anymore. It's too hard. Maybe it's not meant for me, all those things you just said, I was like, yeah, this is too hard and I wanted to quit because your brain is trying to rationalize. My brain is like, it wants relief. Why are you doing this to yourself? You know, why are you doing this to yourself? But anyway, I chose, I made a choice to certainly be mindful. I was like, okay, I know, I know why I'm want to quit because this is hard and my brain is tired. Like literally I think I text you almost everyday. My brain hurts. My brain hurts because I had a headache every day. It was just so challenging. Technology is very overwhelming and it's changing. Like you figure one thing out and then two weeks later it's different.

You're like, wait, I just figured this out. Yes, I was just thinking about that once you really feel good in a certain stage with your kids. Like I've got this and it changes actually had changed before you got to that point. But yeah, and then you get to the teen years and that's so much fun, really looking for. It can be, it can be fun though with the right mindset I'm expecting. I'm thinking it's going to be fun. Yeah. I'm also thinking for my husband and I to because they'll be wanting to hang out with friends and so it's so true. So I will, I will check back with you but being mindful and curious about our thoughts, not judging them by going home. That's interesting. Oh, I can see why I would think that. So that's another practical. A third one is getting specific and writing down what is the end result? What is the um harvest a blessing, so to speak that you're looking for and the why? What's your why? That's a big one. Like motivation. Yeah.

Yeah. And so for me, especially my marriage in the early years, I knew that um, the end result of course would be my Children would get to be live in one home again. I didn't have Biblical reasons. I didn't really have any reasons other than, you know, I had a season of struggle and difficulty. But um, that was really helpful for me to, to, to, to write down why do I want to do this? What am I going to get out of it? What's the benefit and what's the cost and is let's say nine days of trying to figure out these ads, is it worth the reward? The result, the blessing that's coming at the right time. And for me it was so I pushed through and that was that was not quitting, I was pushing through and it was hard and my head did hurt, but guess what? Now I had victory now I know how to do it. So I'm like, wow, this was you know, now there's all this self esteem and confidence, like I did something really hard and we say that all the time, we can do hard things, our brains don't want us to and they will fight us on it, but we literally can do hard things because our brain really thinks it's a survival issue, I'll tell you it's not really a survival issue, building your business.

And also speaking of I can do hard things. I wanted to reference episode 1 12, We did talk about that, we had an episode because things will feel hard, things do get hard and then what do we do when that happens? How do we stay motivated? And another one also is Episode 1 13. The power of yet another one of those thoughts that come out that come to us, I can't do this so many skills, we can learn so much. There's a wealth of information out there that we can really learn and it's it really starts having a growth mindset of okay, I might not be able to do this yet, but I can figure it out, everything is, you know, you can figure out, I know Marie for leo says that everything is figure out double, I love that 1/4 practical is break down what you need to do into bite size steps. So before you quit, Like when I start thinking about, you know, my husband and I are now going to be married almost 34 years. That was overwhelming.

25 years ago, right? I'm like what? That's overwhelming. But I could say, Hey, I'm going to have a great week this week, I can be a great wife, you know, I can love and accept him and respect him for a week, but when I start thinking about 30 plus years, it's overwhelming. So break down whatever it is that you think you might want to quit or surrender on or settle, break it down into smaller bite size steps or tasks or you know, benchmarks. That was that's really helpful for me. That's great. Yeah, it really is helpful. I never thought about like chunking it down is that you can think about it and even like relationships, I never thought about, can I be a great friend to her this week instead of what's our relationship going to look like in five years, this isn't what I want, but I could be a great friend this week and when you boil it down, it's just being intentional and kind of making a plan and much more success in that when you have a plan, right? Someone very wise likes to remind me of that. She's looking at me right now and here's 1/5 practical, which every time I want to quit, I can always almost back it up and I'm tired and there's a great quote that says, if you get tired, learn to rest, not quit.

That is so for me, because I can, almost every time I want to quit something, I'm usually physically or emotionally tired and I also have realized and this is the big really, the meat of the practical is that I'm relying on myself and not God and when I start relying on myself and think I have to do this, I have to do this, I have to keep this marriage together, this friendship together, this business together. It's me, me, me, I get so emotionally mentally tired that I want to quit. And I love that thinking no, I just need to rest, especially I need to rest in God. It's like that's such a big one for me, it seems so obvious as christians that of course we're going to rely on God, but I don't think I'm the only one that puts everything on her own shoulders. So and I want to know what our flesh wants. Yes, the flesh wants to do it all ourselves and then we get overwhelmed and burned down. And truly the difference with all of this is we're trying to protect ourselves and our listeners from burnout and overwhelm and chaos right?

There is a way to live that's full of peace and love and joy. You can shine despite the chaos around us. Yeah, we are both living proof. Which is why we are here, Why we have been certified as life coaches because we have walked down that road and we have been able to get to the other side and we feel very passionate to help others. Which leads us into our last point. Ask for help. If you feel like you need it, right? And that's what we do as coaches. We help you discover where you might be feeling stuck, help you decide have you been settling in this area? Do you really take a good honest look, have I given up in this area or have I just surrendered and been hopeful and faithful. God is going to work through it and what to do next. You know, what are you desiring? Because there's there tends to be a disconnect. We think we're surrendering to what is yet we feel in our hearts, something's missing. And so if that's happening, then you very well might have given up and that could be in your relationships, finances your career.

It can be in all facets of life. So if that sounds like you and you are interested in a little bit extra help? We are here Claudine at Claudine Sweeney dot com And she specifically helps empty nesters and you know, through that stage of life as she is also there and been there for several years now. And myself at mind over chaos dot com. And I specifically help stay at home moms um do this because we tend to get stuck a lot and we're so focused on caring for our home and for our Children and our family that we're not always aware but something feels missing Alright. And I'll leave you with this. It's a quote that says winners quit all the time. They just quit the right stuff at the right time. So if you are stuck or need some help making a decision about what to give up or what to surrender. We are here for you until next time. Alright, everyone, thank you for joining in on our conversation today. Here on the rise up and Shine podcast. If you haven't already, please take a second to hit that subscribe button.

So you never miss an episode. And while you're at it share this episode with a friend who you know it can bless today if you want to visit us as well on our websites, you can catch Claudine over at Claudine Sweeney dot com and Ashley at mind over chaos dot com. Our links are in the description. We also have some free resources there for you as well. So remember ladies, no matter what you are facing in life, it is never too late to rise up and shine and live your best life. Mm hmm. Yeah.

Ep. 117 Surrender VS. Settle
Ep. 117 Surrender VS. Settle
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