The Marissa Rehder Show

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Ep. 40 Self Love with Rosie

by Marissa Rehder
February 17th 2022
In this week’s episode, Marissa is interviewing a fellow coach, Rosie, to talk about all things self-love. Rosie is truly an expert who gives you tangible tips for how to love yourself on a deeper lev... More
Welcome to the Self care with Marissa Radar podcast. I'm your host, Marissa and I am a certified life coach and self care expert. I'm making it my mission to help busy women build a self care centered lifestyle because self care is so much more than just pampering yourself. Society leads us to believe that basic rights, like taking a warm bath or having our hair done is self care. But I'm here to change that narrative. I'm going to teach you how I went from overwhelmed, stressed to the max and burned out on life to thriving and loving the life I'm building and it all started with making a commitment to myself. So what do you say? Are you ready to commit to your own personal development journey? Let me lead you to the path of happiness and contentment. That's right. The one that leads you to a life you truly love. Let's get started. Hey, everyone welcome back to another episode of self care with Marissa raider and I'm super excited to introduce you to a newly found friend of mine.

Her name is Rosie and she is a self love coach and I am obsessed. So I'm going to let her introduce herself to you guys. Thank you so much for having me, I'm very excited. Um my name is Rosie as Marissa said, I am a self love and body acceptance coach. Um I'm also a mom of two. I am, I call myself like 50% mom, soft as anything, 50% bad bitch. That's my, my two different sides and I try and embrace both of them equally. So yes, I'm really excited to be here. Oh, that is fantastic. So we're just gonna dive right in here. But most people that are in the coaching industry, it is because of some sort of like journey that they've been on themselves and they found what was missing from their lives and that led them to where they're at and like I have to share this with everyone, so tell us a little bit more about your journey to becoming a self love coach.

Yes, I totally agree. I heard this saying once and it completely stuck with me, which is people are most articulate about what they struggle with the most. And so I always, I always think about that and I always think it's a really grounding way to think of people, you know, like Mel Robbins talks a lot about her anxiety or all of those big players, you think actually it's because they struggle with that, that's why they talk about this and so you're totally right. I think any coach or most coaches come to that position because they know how it feels to have or to lack what they're trying to teach other people, so they know what it feels like to be there and they've worked out their own way of getting to the other side of it and now they want to show other people. So that's exactly the case for me and I kind of grew up in a nutshell, the very condensed version of my story is I grew up struggling with anxiety, very much trying to be the perfect version of me for everybody else. I lived what I call like the tick box life.

So I went to university and got a good job, got married, got the lovely little house in the country, all of those things became a mom, um which actually wasn't a smooth journey. That in itself was difficult. I had a miscarriage, I struggled conceiving lots of different things and to the point that when I was pregnant, I actually had like a breakdown and I was so anxious, I couldn't function anymore. Um but all of those tick box things didn't actually make me happy and I was sat there thinking I've done all the stuff I was supposed to do, so why do I still feel really lost? Um and the variety of different things happened, I got divorced and my wife felt like my life was falling apart if I'm honest with you, but in that, affording a partners, I found an opportunity to rebuild myself. And it took me that to realize that actually I didn't know myself and I didn't love myself because I've been making this textbook tick box life to please everybody else.

I was so worried about being judged and I just wanted to be this perfect woman. Um and I've lost myself in the process and I realized it all came from not believing I deserve to be happy or that I was capable of pursuing what I wanted. So in that mess I started to rebuild myself and I decided, you know what, everything is falling apart. So I may as well, I may as well go for it and do what I want and try to make myself happy for once. And, and so in that I started to learn who I was, what I wanted and how I felt about myself. And it was, it's been a really difficult journey and I think it's one that I'll be on for the rest of my life. I don't think self love is one that's ever, ever finished. Um and it's one now that actually my biggest motivator now is I believe that the people around us and our Children especially copy what we do. And I was always of the opinion of self love is selfish or looking after myself is selfish. But actually I realized that's exactly what I teach my Children to do.

So if I teach them that it's selfish, they will not look after themselves. They'll, they'll put other people ahead of their own reads and it's about saying me too, not me first, and I think it's really important. So I've kind of made it my mantra and my mission to love myself enough. So that in the process, I teach other people how to do the same things whether that's my Children whether that's my friends, whether that's coaching clients. So yeah, it's been a rocky one, There's been a few different and difficult decisions I've made and I've received a lot of judgment along the way. But actually I've got to a point where I've kind of gone, do you know what, screw what anybody else thinks? You know, it makes me happy. It doesn't have to make sense to anybody else. And instead of the perfectionist, I was, I now do the best I can and that's all I can do. And I've kind of taken that pressure off. There doesn't have to be a perfect life. There's no textbook way to live. You just have to do what feels right for you. And I really felt into that and I've ended up where I am now coaching women to do the same thing.

So yeah, it's been a long old journey to get here, but one that I'm really privilege that I've been through because I think, you know, if Certain things hadn't happened, maybe I would have been 60 sat there going, I don't know who I am. You know, if certain, if I hadn't been thrown into certain situations and I think a lot of people have this, you have that kind of moment where everything falls apart or you hit that rock bottom and that's what is the catalyst for change. And sometimes I think about, wow if I'd never had that, maybe I'd still be living this textbook life and that in itself makes me want to be motivated to help people out of that because we're not here to live a textbook, we're not here to fit in a box, we're not here to deal with these tick box things, you're here to be you, and that is the most freeing thing you can ever do and that feeling of being free and is something that I think I'm grateful for every single day and that freedom is what self love has brought me.

Whether it's freedom to work in a job, I never, ever thought I'd do freedom to, you know, I've always been in relationships, I've never known or have been fearful to be by myself and that changed and the freedom to be myself to depend on myself to not need validation, the freedom from people opinions and judgements like it all comes back to feeling free and that's what self love equates to me. Yeah, that's how I got here and that's now what I'm trying to do is help other people feel that way too. That is first off you are so inspiring and just like the little bits of your story that you shared with us are so relatable and I think that so many women can relate to that and our generation is the ones of the people pleasers, I'm convinced of it. Like we were raised to be textbook people pleasers and that is a hard, hard identity to let go of because I struggled with it and I I relate to so much of what you said on such a deep, deep level and there are still things that even this week that I've recognized but the key is is recognizing it and knowing that it can be different and I'm an all or nothing person, I want to see what's wrong and I'm like okay, perfect, let's solve that problem.

But that's not how these journeys work. And the fact that you said that this is something you're going to be working on for the rest of your life is the most profound thing for people to recognize because it is not a destination, life is not a destination, it is literally the most beautiful messy journey that we get to experience, but it's up to us how how we experience it and how we take those struggles and grow from them and do all of those things. So I just think that you are so inspiring for all of the women who are listening just amazing, thank you very much, that's really kind of you to say. And I just I think, I totally agree it's not it's not a destination and we think we live in a society where we want short term solutions, it's got to be right now, yesterday we were impatient, I'm really impatient and I'm very much like all or nothing, I go big or go home like I always have been.

But actually while I've had loads of breakthroughs and major things that have happened, The most important work that I've done, I think is the daily stuff that I do is the small stuff that doesn't feel like it life changing in a moment. But actually six months down the line, I go, wow, this has changed for me. Like it's those small pockets which actually I think is the beauty of this is that everyone can find those small pockets in their day, even it's two minutes a day. And actually while we chase the breakthrough, we chase the excitement of like, oh my God, I feel like my life has changed and whilst that's amazing, you know, we have loads of moments like that in coaching sessions. Um I had one in a group program I did last week, we had a group set group session on monday, Tuesday, we had a 1 to 1 and Tuesday afternoon, she quit her job, She was like, this is not, you know, so those big moments where you go back, No, my life is changing. This is, it are amazing. But actually what's equally as important I think is those tiny moments that other habits you're going to create for the rest of your life, It's those mindset long term changes that you make and that's that's the exciting thing is that's all stuff you can be doing every single day, you know, by yourself and that's that's the beauty of its those little moments, there's little commitments you make to yourself that actually have massive long term consequences and what's going to set you up for this journey to continue to grow, to continue to change and continue to develop who you are and how you feel about yourself.

Yes, absolutely, and I think you hit the nail on the head that, like, as a society, we just, we want to see it now, we want that transformation right now, but we have to be okay with sitting and knowing that those little tiny pockets of each day that you were talking about is what is going to get you there, and I just had a mindset coach tell me earlier this week actually, he was like, you have to go into some things not knowing what the end result is going to look like, You just have to trust that when you're putting that one ft in front of the other and taking that little bit of intentional time in your day, every day, that is going to lead to something big, it's going to lead to that breakthrough and it's gonna be amazing when you get there, but you have to have to be okay with that unknown of what it might look like or how it's going to, you know, like manifest itself as you move forward, and I thought that was really quite profound and powerful and I was like, yes, I wish more people could hear that.

I think 100%, I totally agree. And as someone that has struggled with anxiety for years, that fear of the unknown or being uncomfortable with not knowing is huge and actually you're totally right. Sometimes we're always looking for it. If you do this, this will happen if you do this, this is your results. This is how much you even if you look at like a business coach and you can go right, this is how much money we're going to talk about, how much money am I going to make or how much of this am I going to do? I can't sit and tell you this is how you will feel about yourself. Self love doesn't work like that. It's not if you do this, you will never have another problem. It's not about that, it's about taking that leap, isn't it? That leap of faith and when you let go of that, that's when the magic happens. That's the beauty of it is That's the hardest bit. And you're like, I want this result. But you can't chase the results. You cannot chase the when I do this. This is this is going to happen. I'll be happy when no, you have to be happy now and buy to be happy now.

It's making peace with not knowing what's going to happen with not needing to know the results and just being okay in that moment with who you are, what you want and yes, it's great to strive for and look for goals and all of these things, but the happiness is not in the chase, the happiness is in the being and then now and all of those things. I think that leap of faith that you take initially is the hardest part for people to go. But but will this work for me? How would I? But what about this? And it's like you have to not think about that. You just have to do it, go for it, feel it. And it's one of those things that you never look back on, you just you go, oh my God, I did this never looked back and I can't believe I live my life differently before. I can't believe I felt that way. But it's not, it's not when you do this. X will happen. It's not about that. It's about finding and being happy in the now without needing that chase, needing that result, needing that reassurance and being able to provide that and be comfortable with who you are. But I totally agree. And I think it's those moments, isn't it? You and you listen to something where someone says something to you and it's like a light bulb moment that makes so much sense.

It's those little things That stick with you. Like 1 1 thing I got told I heard a quote, somebody said your body is an instrument. Non ornament. And it's one of those things that it's such a small little snippet, somebody said it and now I probably reassure myself of that daily, it's something that I say all the time and just like that mindset coach said to you, that's something you'll think about all the time now and it's those little nuggets, whether maybe if someone will get one from a conversation like this, something they read in a book or even something stupid like a quote on instagram, but just something that hits you and it makes that shift within you and you go, yeah, I'm ready Actually, this makes sense. This feels right to me and that's the thing is as humans, especially, again, someone that suffers from anxiety, I want the logical this step, this step actually it's those moments where you go, oh that feels right, that's the beautiful thing. And that's the life changer, It's not the bit where you can go read the textbook, do this, do the work, it's the moment where someone says something you go, That feels right.

That makes sense to me. Like on a deep level, not just a logical kind of illogical way it just goes, that hits me and hopefully that's what you're looking for in life is, there's little nuggets there, the life changes, Yes, no, I completely agree. And and as coaches, we try to come up with frameworks that allow your brain to see like step by step, okay, we are going to follow like a protocol or there are certain things that we can do, but there is no like one fit, you know, like one size fits all program or route or step by step process, if there was everyone would be rich, everyone would be happy and the world would just be the most glorious place ever, but that's just not how it works. It depends on your past experiences where you're currently at the mindset that you have the limiting beliefs, all of those things tie into it. So as many tools as we can provide in an orderly systemized fashion, because that's how a lot of the women we work with brains work as well, like I really hard to make it make sense like that, but sometimes it is just messy, I agree and it's, it's that's right, this is the thing I said it all the time, you know, and I said there's a lot of new clients, 90% of this is my toolbox box is me giving you the tools and going, this is how we do it, this is how we deal with your limiting beliefs, this is how we do this work, this is how we work with inner child, this is all the stuff we do, here is the tools that work for me, this is what you can be doing, But the other 10 is the leap of faith you take is that tiny bit of hope within you that there is actually I want more.

Actually this can be different for me and it doesn't matter how big it is, it only needs to be the tiniest sliver, but it's that and it's those moments that when you have a conversation with someone and you hear something you go, okay, this makes sense. I feel that I can give you all the tools and we guide, like you said coaches, we guide you through it. We we use our experience to save you the time and the hassle to go through what we took years to work out how to do and we'll give you the toolbox, that's great. But actually if I give you all the tools and you don't do anything, nothing's going to change, I can't do it for you. The difference is when you Have that 10% where you go here, this is me, I'm making this decision. Even like the power in making that decision, whether it's to get a coach, whether it's just to improve your environment, whether it's under the meditate every day, is that feeling you get from you making that decision and reclaiming your life, reclaiming the direction and making that mindset switch switch, even the tiniest way, that little bit of hope, I think that's that's the like that's the part that you can't teach, that's the part when somebody comes to you when they're ready and they go, yeah, no, I'm ready for this now.

You have to make that decision, you have to make a decision to change your life. And I say this a lot and people don't like this and it's controversial, but happiness is a choice. I'm not saying, I'm not saying, you know, things happen, people have different experiences, none of that is your fault, your responsibility, you're not supposed to be happy all the time, feel all those feelings. It's really important to feel the negative stuff, but actually the way that you think the way that you want to live, the choices that you make, you have to go, right, okay, what's going to serve me best? What choice do I make here? Even if I'm going to feel the tiniest, the smallest bit differently and we look at this maybe from a slightly different perspective or I'm going to choose to let this ruin the first half of my day, but not the second half of my day or yes, I'm sat in the car on this road. Rage is really annoyed me, but okay, now I make a decision do I let this affect the rest of my day? Do I let this make me snappy with my kids when I get home because I've had a bad day do I, how do I let this affect me and there's things in life?

We can't control awful things happen with everyone has terrible experiences and all of that has space to be felt to be seen and it deserves to be seen and felt and it's such an important part is to feel all of those things, but I do believe when it comes to mind set, when it comes to self love, when it comes to confidence, all of those things, the tiniest part, probably the most important part is you going, I choose differently now, I want more than this, I deserve more than this. And even if you don't really believe it, it just has to be that inkling that tiny bit of faith and like it just could what if it could happen and I was just like what's the worst that can happen if you try and love yourself, what's the worst that's gonna happen if you believe you're the baddest bitchin the world right now, what's going to happen? Like you may as well try and when you sit and think about what is the worst that can happen, but if you say what's the worst that can happen, if I continue how I am and I continue to feel this way by myself, there's a lot of difficult situations that can arise, but if you know what's the worst thing that can happen, if I just believe that maybe I can feel a little bit better, there is no downside of that and it has to be worth a shot, but once you give it that shot and you make that difference, you make that decision, you're going no, I'm going to try, that's when it, that's like it's turning point.

No, I love, I love everything that you are saying about that because it is so important for people to hear all, all of that. I mean yes, you do need to feel the feelings, but it is, it is your choice and and what I found is that people, I'm not ready or I, you know, they have these limiting beliefs in their mind already and I am like way behind the ball on this book. I think it came out in like 2014, but the year of yes by Shonda Rhimes, I don't know if you have read that um I'm a true believer that books come to you when you're most able to like internalize it. And so I think there's a reason why I'm reading it now, but she goes on this year of Yes and I originally had some thoughts about that and was like okay, but the way she breaks it down and the things she was saying yes to were very different than what I thought, but what she realized was she had um weight issues.

She had, you know her the way she loved herself issues, she just had a lot of things that surrounded that that all kind of were like, you know intertwined together that created this thing inside her that was not allowing her to enjoy life to its fullest the way she really wanted to or used to and she woke up one day and she was like, you want to know what I'm saying yes to every day I'm saying yes to not loving myself, I'm saying yes to being fat, I'm saying yes to being stuck the way I am because I am not saying yes to changing it. And so she woke up that day, she had this epiphany and she was like, I am going to say yes to changing this right now. She lost a ton of weight. She became happier, more fulfilled. Like it was this entire journey that she went on just because she realized the things that she was saying yes to already where what was keeping her stuck and I that just came to my mind as you were talking about that, like it's just that little tiny, like you wake up that day and you just have this thought and yeah, you could just go, yeah, that was a good thought and then like roll over and go back to sleep for the day, you know, like we'll get to that at another time or you can choose to do something about it and like you said, what hurt is going to come from loving yourself, what what could possibly go wrong with that Exactly if you can, if you can imagine how it would feel to fully accept and even like yourself or even just fully accept yourself because this is the thing, like, I I also think, um there's a lot of toxic positivity and like I said, with those, those overnight miracles, which don't actually happen.

And I think some of the most powerful things you can do when it comes to making that decision is yeah, you you might read something and go, okay, you don't love yourself, you should start saying affirmations in the mirror, like, I love myself, I'm amazing Barbara and like, for me, I just think it's bs I think it it doesn't work, because if you don't believe it, it's not gonna it's not gonna ingrained into your psyche, you're not going to make those long term changes. It might make you feel better instantly, but you also might stand there going, I'm amazing and just feel like this has I have no, this doesn't feel right to me. But so I always say, like, if you're in a rut and you're stuck and you're thinking this is really difficult. I don't know how I feel about myself, I feel lost or I want to feel better, but I don't think it's possible, start using your information. Like it is possible for me to feel better so that you're not putting that pressure on yourself to feel better now, the choice you're making is that it's it's possible. You're choosing to believe it's possible rather than going, right, I'm going to love myself now and overnight, I'm going to change everything, and it's gonna be great.

And then having a burnout, having something bad happen and it all sort of going back to square one because you didn't believe it in the first place, and it didn't really make any sense to you. So to be able to, it's all about that little bit of hope, that's the most important thing. So if you're in a difficult spot, you don't feel like you love yourself, you don't feel like you except yourself, you feel uncomfortable with who you are. If you can go, it's possible for me to feel better. Like the relief in saying that I'm just having that little bit of belief. And if you keep saying that every day, it's possible for me to feel better, possible for me to accept myself. It's possible for me to not hate myself, even that in itself. That doesn't sound like a particularly positive statement, but it's a lot better than I hate myself. And that's there's nothing I can do about it. So having that little bit of belief that it's possible for me to feel differently. That's what I think pulled you out of those difficult stages so that once you're in a good stage, then you can start doing the more positive and push yourself out of your comfort zone kind of work. But that's the decision you can make in those bad moments is just to believe it's possible.

That's all I'm asking from you. Yeah. And that that's enough. That's a big choice to make in that moment. You can either sit, I stay here. Nothing happens. Nothing is ever going to get better. Or I can slightly believe something might improve for me. But that's the biggest thing you can do in those moments where life is difficult and you don't feel great about yourself and you set yourself up to succeed. So that when you're in a good place, a better place, you can start doing the deeper work. You can start doing the harder things, the things that push you out your comfort zone that are going to make bigger changes. But you're still making a choice in that, in that scenario. Even when it's the hardest, most difficult, most overwhelming scenario, you're going, I choose to believe that it gets better. I choose to believe that I can feel better. And there's a lot of power in that choice. Yes, I completely agree with that. And and it's a lot less pressure on yourself than to say, an affirmation that you don't truly believe in. And if you are truly at a place where, like, self love is not a part of your day at all, You you can't expect yourself to go from ground zero to the top floor in 30 seconds, just because you said one positive statement, and what I find is if I am saying an affirmation that I just totally do not believe in a lot of people will tell you to fake it until you make it, you know, it'll eventually click in your mind, but when you're saying it and then your brain is uttering those like counterproductive anti informations afterwards, that that's almost more detrimental than you know, saying the information in the first place.

They're not saying it in the first place, I guess. And um one thing that I found that just really helps me when those thoughts do come up, like if someone gives me a compliment and in my head, I'm thinking it was luck or it was whatever, you know, those like, things that you, because it would be selfish to accept, accept a compliment and not just say thank you and move on, but you know, in your head, if you tell your brain, like, no, we don't think about that anymore, We don't think those things anymore. Like, your brain really will learn to not put those at the forefront of of your mind. And so, if you're telling yourself every day, like, it is possible for this to happen, your brain will go okay, and then it will start picking up on those little details of where it has been possible throughout the day. And then the next day you say it it is possible for me to love myself and then the next day it will see three more things and then all of a sudden your brain is going, it is possible, this is possible, and then it changes to look at.

I do love myself, like you said, it does not happen overnight and it may take a week, it may take a month. It may take years. I mean honestly just depending on where you or when you started, 100% agree. And I think there's always going to be setbacks. You know, I talked about it a lot on my social media to try and be as transparent as possible because I think it's important. I did this the day before yesterday to say I'm having a bad body image day today. Like it's just because I have all the tools and I know what to do doesn't mean to experience it. The difference is I want to do it, but I don't because I mean that I have that self awareness and I go right now, okay, what tools do I need to use and the differences for example, it comes to body acceptance on a day where I want to feel bad about my body within the past. I might have and restricted my food or I might have punished my body in some sort of way, I might have said nasty things, I might have cried and I have not gone to something because I didn't like how I looked. Um now the differences even when I am having a bad body image day, I can still respect my body.

So on the good days, I might like it accept it and love it. But actually the bad days, all that's important to me is respecting it and I don't get into those old patterns of behavior. But I think it's really good to be transparent about where you're at, especially as a coach to say actually, there's always many times you like, you're going to peaks and troughs, you're always going to come forwards and backwards. But I think the more work you do each time when you fall backwards, it's like, it's not quite as far or it doesn't take you quite as long to move forwards again because you're making the long term changes. Even when you have those short term setbacks you're still making, it's not as big as fall backwards and it doesn't take this long to move forward. But I think back to affirmations as well. I think it's really important how you talk to yourself makes sense for you. There's a real habit and a tendency because I think affirmations are great. I think they have to be really personal to you. So it's a real habit if we're going right, I'm going to google self vaccinations and I'm going to sit and say and you think it doesn't mean anything even say for example, I I resonate a lot with this bad bitch phrase.

I find it invigorating. I love it. Some people hate that. Some people don't get that at all. They don't, it doesn't feel right to them. So every morning I always said I deliberately and I moved into this new house, my son has the master bedroom, he has the biggest one because I deliberately wanted this this bedroom because there are four, the whole wall is mirrored wardrobes, fitted wardrobes, and there's a part of me that wanted to be like, I don't have that, because then you're going to have to look in the mirror all the time, you're in there, that's exactly why I've done it. So, I get up, I sit up in bed every morning and the first thing I see is myself in the mirror and I go, rosie you're a bad bitch, and that resonates with me, that's what gets me going in the morning. But if I say to you, Marissa, every morning when you get up to say Marissa, you're a bad bitch. If you don't like the phrase bad bits and that's not how you talk, it's not going to make any difference to you. And it's the same with any affirmation, if I'm going I am good enough, that's a great affirmation. But does it feel exciting to you? Like, if it does great, oh, there's going to be different things for different people, and I think how you talk to yourself, you've been so used to negatively talking to yourself in the style that you talk to yourself, but you want to try and counteract that with something that feels very real, feels like it would actually be you talking and isn't just a textbook or a google search that says all these affirmations, telling you what to say.

It isn't me saying talk like this because I talk like this, you want, the more you can trick your brain into thinking this is you talking the better. So pick phrases that a are specific to the problems you suffer with. You know, if if you're single and you suffer with this idea that you're a half or you're not good enough because you're not part of a relationship, then choose something like I am whole I am, I am a whole person is going to be a lot more powerful possibly than I am good enough because you think your brain is thinking about the heart. So if you can start contracting it with the whole that's specific to you and that makes more sense. Pick pick specific things to what you're thinking about and your limiting beliefs, but also say it in the way you talk to yourself. Don't try and say it in the way that Mel Robbins talks to herself or the way that I talk to myself, because we all have a specific style and I think the closer you can get it to what feels good to you is such a huge part of it, The words are powerful, whatever you say. But if you say them in a way that really resonates with you.

I think they just go like tenfold, so bad bitch works for me. But I have clients that it doesn't work. You know, they're they're not that it doesn't make sense to them. They're like that don't talk like that, It's not what resonates. But then they say something, they go right Yeah, this is how I feel. These are the words that feel good to me. So try its best temptation to go like, google the list of affirmations. That means I've done the work now, I feel good because I've done. But actually the better work to do would maybe have been set to sit down for 10 minutes and think about Two affirmations and have only been able to come up with two affirmations rather than a whole list of 20. But ones that are actually specific to you and feel good to you and self love is a lot of it is about thinking and the doing work and the logic, but a lot of it is about feeling and feeling into what feels right for you and and the problem is we don't do this because at the end of the day, we don't know ourselves. So it's really hard to feel into who you are if you don't know who you are and I felt lost for a long time.

And I think there's a lot of women that feel lost whether you lose yourself because you get into different you put different hats on and your mom and your friend and your partner and your colleague and you're all these different things or whether you feel like you never knew yourself in the first place. There's a lot of that as well. I think people generally come from one of those two places, but I think all of us know that lost feeling wherever it comes from. And so getting to know who you are makes the whole is half of the whole deal with self love. But it's then what makes these things easier? Because then it's easier for you to feel into things because you actually know who you are. If I sat there and I do this in some of my coaching, the group coaching and I go, who are you? If I strip back everything, you know not I'm a coach, because that's not who I am, that's what I do, or I'm a mom, a fact, it's not who I am. If I were to strip away everything, to leave your soul. Just your soul, Who are you?

Most people can't answer that question and that's mad because you're living with yourself. But so many of us don't know who that is. We get a lot of comfort from the job descriptions we have in life. The job description of being a mom, it's very straightforward, this is this is what a man does, this is how I behave, this is what I do, my job description at work, this is how I work, this is what I say, this is how I talk, this is how I act as a partner, this is what a good partner does. But when I actually asked someone to sit down about who are you, what's your job description for who you are and what you want to be and how you want to act. People don't know because there's no written, there's no textbook way of doing that. You have to work that out for yourself. But if you can do that, it's one of the best things I think you'll do. Absolutely, I completely agree with that. Gosh, like just listening to you talk is just amazing because I was exactly all the things you're saying, it's like you're describing me five years ago, like I had no idea who I was, I never did like, ever.

And so I think that this is just so powerful for women to hear that they are not alone and that this is a common thing among not just women, but people in general and how powerful it is to understand that and know that it doesn't have to be that way because a lot of times, at least for me and my experience, I would see people who were at the stages that like you or I are at when I was just starting out and I'd be like, there's no way they have to be faking it. Like, there's no way that, you know, doing self love and taking care of my anxiety is going to make me not snap at my kids, like they're not related and now I just laugh because we all know that that's a big lie. It's funny that it feeds into everything. I don't think we realized that whether we are funny enough, I was talking about this today and I wouldn't do this job if I hadn't have found myself worth, partly because what I talk about is self love and self worth, but mainly because I would have never believed it was possible for me.

So it doesn't if you can pick any area in your life and I can tell you away that self love affects it. The way you feel about yourself affects it, it affects your relationships, your friendships, how you pair, and how you show up at work, the kind of job you do, your money mindset, it affects, it leaks into every single area. It is unavoidable because you are the common denominator in all those situations. So how you feel about yourself has to be the most important thing, it has to be you're the person that's in all of those different things. And we look at externally, we think, right, if I change my job, then I'll be happy and it's like, no, it's not. If you change your job, you'll be happy is this job right for me, does this job you're lying to me and I do I deserve this, or do I deserve more? Does this feel right to me? But also understanding that then when you get a job that does feel right, that's not what's going to make you happy, it's going to contribute and it's going to add value to your life because you're starting to make decisions that are aligned with having a higher sense of self worth. But the biggest work you always have to remain doing is working on yourself.

You can't then rely on that job to make you happy because then you're missing the point, then you're back to square one when you started before it might have felt aligned to begin with and it felt good to begin with. But if you start placing your happiness on an external thing again, eventually it won't work out. It's the same with relationships. If you go into a relationship thinking right, I have this need, this is what I'm going to get from this relationship. You're never going to experience that relationship to the best extent because you're getting something from it, you have to go, how do I give that to myself any need that you have? And it's not just that we need relationships with all sorts of people in our life, but the point is we need them to add value and for us to add value to them, not for us for them to validate us or for us to depend on them, you have to fill all of your own voids, you have to fill all of your own needs so that when you go into a relationship, a job parenting, you're not seeking anything from it. You're comfortable in the fact that you provide everything for yourself. Your validation comes from you, your emotional needs come from you.

Anything else in your life should add value and should be extra. And you thinking right, what can I give to this? What can I if you're seeking something because you need it, you're always chasing that need and then you depend on something that's when you put up with bad behavior because you think that I need this from this relationship because I can't give that to myself. But the truth is there's nothing you can't give to yourself, you know, and we're social people, humans are designed to be in relationships and have loads of people around us, but we don't we're not designed to depend on those people. That that's the difference, enjoy those things, embrace them but never ever look to external stuff to make you feel good internally because it's just not going to happen. And it sounds like it comes back to a lot of us are seeking control. But the thing is we're actually trying to control the wrong things because we're trying to control our partner. It's like when someone says, you know, well I've been cheated on what if this person cheats on me again is that when you can't worry about whether this person cheats on you, you can worry about whether you'll be okay if they do and that's all you can control is how you feel about yourself.

So that if that situation happens, you know, you'll be okay. You can't we're trying to control all of these external things, our jobs, our finances, our partners, our friends, our Children. Because it makes us feel a certain way. If we feel like we're in control of that and we're missing. The whole point is that you can be in control of you and how you feel about yourself, the rest will just falls into place because you can actually do that. You can control how you feel about yourself. You know? And again this isn't to say, you know they're going to have bad feelings because that always comes up. We all get insecure, we all get sad. We all get all different a whole range of emotions. It's a beautiful part of being human. But you get to control whether you make the changes and you make the effort and commit to yourself. Think how much you give to relationships with other people in your life. And imagine if you gave the same commitment to yourself, it's mad that we don't because we're the again were the common denominator there. So stop seeking to control other things. Stop looking for external stuff to validate you and instead just focus on validating yourself fulfilling your own needs and you find that not only does everything in your life start to up level because you start putting up with less rubbish or you start actually understanding what you want because you get clarity but also you start showing up as a better version of you.

So you start being a better partner, a better friend, a better parent, all of those things because you're okay. You don't need that for validation. You're thinking what can I give to this rather than what can I get from this? And there's a big change in that energy is a big difference in how you show up. Yes it's like that um like abundance versus scarcity kind of mindset going on. You know like you cannot rely on somebody else to to give you your your own happiness because they can rip that away at any point and then then you're the one that's left broken and and starting over again. Whereas if you can take that responsibility for yourself and and become whole just as you then you can be an asset to every other area of life. All of those roles that people identify with you know being the mom being the partner or the employee or the Ceo or whatever you are like those you can be an asset to those instead of the other way around and needing them to validate you and and give you your self worth and I think that's really important for people to to understand what tips do you have, like what, where would you suggest someone starts with that?

You know, if they are, if all of this is resonating with them, what are some, like I like to call them quick wins because like we talked about earlier, people do like the quick win, they may not see the full benefit of it right away, but if they were going to start somewhere, where would you suggest that they start? Okay, so I would suggest um there's a couple of things you could be doing, which I think are very short, small tiny pockets you can fit into every day, but that are actually going to make a difference to you and the first one is continue to do things like this by listening to things, reading things. Um I live by the rule of Reading 10 pages a day because it feels achievable, but actually I might read one thing in that day that changes everything and I'm putting myself in the best scenario because I'm again the kind of person that will go sit and read a whole book in one go and then not read for a month, like it's that I can do that.

So I have to set that boundary of myself. So keep searching, keep seeking bi curious, keep listening to things, keep reading things, keep you know, you're filling your instagram with different people that you know, or different hashtags like self love, confidence, mindset, motivation, different things like that. Watch a two minute video, listen to something. But again, for fitting into your day, do it on your commute to work, do it while you get ready in the morning. Like find ways to tie it in where you're already doing something else because then you didn't a you don't have any excuse not to do it because you're like, well I'm doing something anyway, it's just in the background, but also you just slotting into that day that's going to be so, so easy for you to just keep learning, keep being curious, keep thinking about, you know, different perspectives, different books, different people, different. If there's someone you find interesting, some people, again, you resonate. So some people like, I feel like I've talked about her a million times that mel Robbins, but some people don't like mel Robbins because that's not her job is to be liked by everybody.

But if you find someone you do like and you think yeah, binge on their content right, every day for this week, I'm going to watch a little bit of, you know, wayne dyer's video. So I'm going to start the video on a monday and we'll watch five minutes every day, that's better than what you were doing. So don't look at these small things as well. It's not, it's so small, it's not worth doing. But look at those, those five minutes over a week, Add up to a lot. There's 10 pages a day over a week, add up to a lot. And actually it's a much more sustainable way of doing things because you may not have a lot of time. You're a busy working man, you know, your a busy mom that stays at home life as a mom, full stop is busy regardless of what you're doing. You know, if you're a young businesswomen who has a 9 to 5 job, that is, that is currently working overtime. Okay, right, so on my train journey home, can I stop two minutes in, Can I start 10 pages in its finding those nuggets, it's gonna be so much more sustainable. And again, that's where you're going to see the long term change if you keep doing the small things.

Another one I would say is actually sit down and have a conversation with yourself. Who am I answer that question and be prepared for possibly having tears if you sit there and you go, I don't know who I am. I can't write anything down. It's a big moment of realization. If you go, I don't know, I am. You know, and your, your first instinct might be, I am and you might write your job. No, that's not who you are as we do. Like actually sit down and who am I. And and suddenly if I had this conversation, we do a lot of values work. We do a lot of working out your values and the client said to me like how do I know what my values are and how do I know what my values, what I want, my values to be. And I'm like, well, whatever you want your values to be and what your values are, you're just not currently acting on them. Because if that's what resonates with you and that's what makes sense. That's what's important to you. That's what they actually are. You just haven't been in the capacity to actually act on those or to make those work or haven't been in a state of high enough self worth to believe that those are possible for you. So that in itself is a revelation because it actually only seems that I want, that's that's actually who I am.

So even if I'm not physically showing up in that way at the moment, I'm not this confident person, but I know that confidence is important to me. Well then that's who you are. It's just annoying picking all the stuff that's been putting on and it's getting back there all of these things. It's not even about creating confidence is about finding it when you were a baby that was there, you your self worth. You just being you in your unapologetic perfect way is right there. You just had life, put all these different things on you to get there to get you to where you are analysis about unpick in all of that. So start asking yourself questions, who am I what's important to me? What do I want? What do I believe about myself? Do two minutes of journaling a day, pick one question a day and write, write about it, you know, do it on your if you don't like writing or doing journalists, do a voice note, sit on a voice recording on your phone and go, it's this what are my values? I think this is important to me or sit in your in your phone notes. You know, if you're thinking right, I've got five minutes on my lunch break, I'm going to sit and I'm going to work it out, don't make excuses and it doesn't matter, there's no perfect way.

You know, just because you see somebody online going I journal in my posh little notebook and I do it with my fancy pen and it's all perfect. And again, I fall into that category, I love things to do be done properly, whatever in inverted commas properly, whatever that is, don't fall into that trap of thinking, it has to be perfect or there's a certain way of doing it, find a way that works for you. It doesn't matter how you do it, just do it. If it's a little snippet here and there, get rid yourself of that mindset that you've got to do everything perfectly or not at all because you're actually getting in your own way good enough is good enough doing it is good enough actually taking action is good enough. So start asking yourself questions, start finding out who you are and it doesn't matter what capacity you do, it just start thinking about it because that's gonna start giving you clarity and you're gonna start making decisions differently if you understand more about yourself. Um and one other thing I would say is if you can start doing this every day, you'll see a big difference is mirror work. I talk about mirror work all the time.

It was something that is hugely transformational. I've already talked about it, you know, sitting up in the morning and going for a zero bad bitch. But there are many different ways to do it. It takes two minutes at its very basic level. Stand in front of the mirror and look yourself in the eye, don't say anything, just look yourself in the eye. And if you're someone like me that likes the science of things, if you think about, okay, you're on a first date, you sat there, you gaze in someone's eyes, even a zoom call in a meeting, you talk to somebody, you're not there but you're looking all right, we make eye contact because it is internet, it's about bonding. It creates connection and trust and all those different things. But we don't get to the car sales in the eye because physically we can't without a mirror to start doing it with a mirror and that connection, that bonding, looking yourself in the eye is hugely powerful because you're creating intimacy, you're creating a relationship with yourself.

So in a very basic form, stand in front of the mirror and just look yourself in the eyes for two minutes, you'll feel really awkward, you'll go, oh this is uncomfortable, this feels weird, but do it and it will start becoming more comfortable, then build it up. So start saying something nice to yourself in the mirror, start saying I love you and that feels crazy to stand here and go, I love you rosie and then you go, I love you rosie because and then you, you start being able to list reasons why you love yourself and when I used to do this before I used to do it in the bathroom mirror, I used to whisper so that nobody would hear me because I felt really embarrassed and I thought we were received because you're a good man, like it was all of those things, but then I got over it and now I'm a point where I'm like, you're a bad bitch in the mirror and I say it every time I go past myself in the mirror. But again, it creates intimacy. But it also reframes how you, how you think about a mirror and what a mirror means to you were so heavily associate mirrors with negativity saying something nasty picking a hole in what we're wearing looking at what we're looking like saying something horrible about ourselves.

But if you can start doing it that you set your intention, that your mirror now becomes a place where you look yourself in the eye and you say something nice to yourself, you'll find in time every mirror you go past, you can't help but say something nice and that's massive. I had a client, she we started working together, she didn't have mirrors in her house, she didn't have a full length mirror in her house because she couldn't bear to do it. And she went out to buy them about halfway through coaching and now she can't go past the mirror without saying something nice to herself. You know, when she catches herself as a reflection in a shop window, she said something nice to herself. That's a huge change. It's a small 30 seconds if that interaction. But it's again one of those things that creates a long term difference because all those 30 seconds, all the times you look in the mirror or a window or any of that adds up usually of your life. So if you can change the the narrative and treat it as a positive or even just a neutral thing that when I look in the mirror, I say, I'm okay, you're okay. Like that has a lot of power and it's removing that negative.

So it changes, that changes that narrative changes the relationship that you have with it. So that would be my three things start or continue to listen, look, learn read, be curious, start finding out more. Start brawling what you're listening to, what you're reading, who you're, who you're listening to and and think about even the people you surround yourself with in life, what are they saying, what they do and what kind of people do you want to be around and listening to and things do you want to be talking about? Start asking questions about who you are, finding out who you are getting clarity on who you are and what you want and start mirror work, because you want to create that intimacy that bond and also that long term change in the narrative that you have when it comes to mirrors and looking at yourself. I love those tips there, so actionable, but they are going to lead to just powerful change for anyone who is willing to say yes to it today, which I absolutely love. I am just so, so glad that we got to have this conversation today I hell already and we haven't even released it yet that it is going to be life changing for people and so where can our listeners come and find you and learn more from you.

So, I am a big lover of instagram. So if you had to self love coaching with rosie, that's my instagram handle, you'll see I am a big lover of reels. I love a funny, real, that's my jam, but I try and I post quite a lot and I have a lot of different series, you can catch up on different videos, lots of tips and you can also check out my website and a couple of freebies that I have from there too, but instagram is definitely the best place to reach me. Thank you again so much. I will list all of your information in the show notes that they can come and find you and and have you be a part of their journey, I'm so excited, so thank you again for being here today and to everyone who's listening and tuning in, we appreciate you so much that you are allowing us to be a part of your day, so we will be here. Well I will be here, Rosie will unfortunately will not be back next week as much as I would probably love to have her on every week but I will be here cheering you on, that's it for this week's episode of Self care with Marissa raider, thank you for joining me and listen, if you enjoyed it and thank your BFF or any other woman, you know might benefit from it, send them a link, share this episode or screenshot it and share it on instagram and tag me at marisa dot raider and hey, if you haven't already come hang out with me on the gram where I share all things building a life you truly love in order to help you be the best version of yourself.

Until next week, I will be here cheering you on.

Ep. 40 Self Love with Rosie
Ep. 40 Self Love with Rosie
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