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Ep. 46 Independence- It's Not Just for Beyonce

by Marissa Rehder
March 10th 2022
In this week’s episode, Marissa is sharing her tips for teaching your kids independence. The number one question women ask her is- how do you do it all? Be a mom, farm wife and build a business? 

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Welcome to the self care with Marissa Radar podcast. I'm your host, Marissa and I am a certified life coach and self care expert. I'm making it my mission to help busy women build a self care centered lifestyle because self care is so much more than just pampering yourself. Society leads us to believe that basic rights, like taking a warm bath or having our hair done is self care. But I'm here to change that narrative. I'm going to teach you how I went from overwhelmed, stressed to the max and burned out on life to thriving and loving the life I'm building. And it all started with making a commitment to myself. So what do you say? Are you ready to commit to your own personal development journey? Let me lead you to the path of happiness and contentment. That's right. The one that leads you to a life you truly love. Let's get started hey there and welcome back to this week's episode where I'm going to be breaking down how to build independent kids.

No, I'm not a parenting coach or guru, but I spent almost a decade teaching elementary aged Children and I have seen firsthand the benefits of fostering independence and it's one of the most asked questions that I get. How do you build a business and raise your kids at the same time without going insane. Well today in this episode, I am going to explain exactly that. And no independence isn't just for Beyonce, I may be dating myself there with that reference, you know, back in her destiny child days, but building independence in your kids isn't just going to benefit them. It's going to benefit you your sanity and your business. So let's get right down to it. The first thing is, is that teaching kids to be independent and was one of the most important things that a parent can do. It starts with teaching them how to do things for themselves at an early age. And if your kids aren't super young, that's okay to start now. This includes tasks like getting dressed in their own, brushing their teeth, making their bed.

My kids are even responsible for putting away their folded clothes. Do I have to organize the two year old stories afterwards? Sure. But it teaches her that I know she can do it. The key is not to point it out that you've reorganized it. I constantly model how I want the clothes put away and each time we do laundry, it's a new chance for them to gain a little bit more independence. Parents should also give their kids opportunities to make decisions for themselves. This could include things like what they want to wear or eat for breakfast. A lot of times. I will give my kids two choices and situations that they still need guidance in. But in the areas that are less important, I will allow them to make their own decisions and then learn from them. Kids who are taught to be independent, will be more likely to succeed in life because they'll be able to handle difficult tasks on their own and they won't need someone else's help all the time. How you do this though is by setting rules and expectations. That doesn't mean that you need to have super structured life or super hardcore rules, but having rules and expectations, allowing your kids to know what's expected of them and what the consequences are for not meeting those expectations is going to be key.

Give them opportunities to succeed. I can not preach this enough, they need to know that it's okay to try new things to figure out how to do things on their own, even if they're making mistakes along the way. When was the last time you did something perfectly? The first time? A lot of times I think that we forget that our kids are just at their kids, they're learning their growing, I have yet to live a perfect day, I don't know about you, but we have this idea in our head that our kids should listen every time. They should pick up every time. They should do the right things every time. And that's not fair. That's not fair for anybody, let alone a child who is still developing. So give them lots of opportunities to succeed and then praise them when they do it. Well, praise them when they don't do it. Well just praise them and I praise isn't necessarily the right word, but acknowledge them man, you did awesome at trying that, that was something new for you and you didn't give up, you can keep working at it, build up their confidence, tell them that you're proud of them and when they exhibit qualities like independence and self reliance, tell them what it is that they just did that you appreciate.

And when you praise a kid or you give them validation it should sound something like wow I see how hard you were working at that. Don't tell him, hey good job. They don't know what good job means. I mean they hear it all the time but be as specific as you can with your feedback wow. Mommy is so impressed with how you put all of your clothes away today. I didn't even have to remind you halfway through to keep going. You did it all by yourself, acknowledge the things that they are doing well. You know how in my previous episodes they tell you to celebrate even the smallest wins. You need to teach your kids that also you need to help them when they need it but don't do everything for them. There will be times when your kids need help but try to resist that urge to do everything for them. Let them figure things out on their own whenever possible. When I was filling out report cards as a teacher. One of our standards or one of the things that we were looking for was can they use a multiple, can they use multiple strategies to solve a problem or do they have multiple strategies to solve a problem?

They can't develop that if they're constantly being handed the solution, they have to struggle a little bit, they have to learn what works and what doesn't because No two people do this do the same thing the same way. We all have our own flair. I was just reading something the other day that said that when you have someone else to do a task for you, they're only going to do it 80% up to your standard because 20% of everything you do is your own personal flair. And so If you go around micromanaging that last 20% of every person's thing that they do for you, you're gonna drive yourself crazy and you have to allow your kids to develop their own sense of personality, of being of who they are, what their values are, it's your job to guide them. But they have to have the space to be able to develop that on their own. And I struggle with this when things aren't done quickly. So say as an example, I want them to do something, I give them a task but they're not doing it fast enough to my liking or we're in a hurry to get somewhere and then I want to just jump in and finish it for them.

I have to remind myself that they need to take their own time. And I also need to understand when to set a timer for them to help them learn time management skills because we all know that one person that runs on their own time and I refuse to let my kids be that person even though my oldest bless her heart might send me to an early grave with her dilly dallying. Did I just say dilly yelling? I did anyway. I really struggle when I think something should be done quickly and it's not happening and I have to take a step back. I can't just step in and do it for them because they have to develop that sense of urgency for themselves. They need to understand that they need to do it at their own pace as well. Or I need to understand that they need to do it at their own pace as well. Teaching your kids to be independent is an important task and it takes time and more patients than most of us care to have ever.

But the benefits are worth it. Your kids will be more responsible and self sufficient adults if you take the time to teach them how to be independent now. Plus it's gonna help you get rid of some of that mommy guilt that comes with running a business and being the parent that your kids need. And so I'm going to share with you my three strategies that I use the most for when I need to be parenting while running a business because there are times, let's face it, these last few months have been rough in the radar household with sickness and kids home from school and not being able to go to daycare. But I still have a business to run. So what does that look like when my kids need me? But so does my business and they are both, they are both important priorities for me and that's okay. They can coexist and they can be not necessarily equally as important. But each thing each of those areas has a different kind of importance to me. My business is allowing me to build the life that I want me and my kids to be able to have.

Whereas I'm also raising my kids to be the best humans they can be because they're my entire world. So I use these three strategies the most with my kids. So a lot of times we do what's called parallel work. And you'll notice in young kids that they don't necessarily play together, they're parallel playing. So they're playing side by side but they're not necessarily interacting. And I will do that with my kids and we call it parallel work. I don't actually tell them that that's what it's called but I will have something for them to do while I work on something. So I will say okay mommy is going to write this email, what are you going to work on? And they'll go to the Cabinet, we are island has two sets of cabinets in it that are designated just to them and their activities that they can get out and independently do. They're easy, they're organized there. They can put it back on their own when they're done without needing any assistance and move on to the next activity that they want to do and they can do that all while I am working at the kitchen table.

I am right there with them the whole time. I'm still having a conversation with them. If they want to say something to me, I acknowledge them. I may say, okay, hold your thought for just a second. Let me finish this sentence or whatever it is. But they're working on something. I'm working on something, something else that I do with them is we set a timer for a lot of things in our house. Even like picking up clutter at the end of the night because we like and by we I like and I hope to instill look like for them to have a clean and organized house. So we'll set a timer at night and say okay let's see how much we can get done in five minutes. Mommy's gonna set a timer for seven minutes and let's see how much in the basement and how many toys we can get picked up. You work on this. And mommy's going to work on cleaning up supper. You're gonna clean your toys, I'm going to do this. So we set a timer for that kind of thing. So they're already kind of in that routine but I'll set a timer and I'll say Okay mommy setting a timer for 15 minutes and we've built up the stamina, stamina. We didn't start with 15 minutes. Mommy's gonna set the timer for three minutes or mommy's going to set the timer for five minutes, whatever it is that your kids can handle and here what are you going to do?

So we may not be parallel working. We may not be right side by Side. Mommy's going to be in her office for seven minutes. What are you going to do? Okay sometimes it's screen time. Sometimes it is playing a game with their sisters. Sometimes it's playing on their own, it's building something out of blocks or legos or other activities that are more of an independent activity. But we set a timer and when that timer goes off then they get to pick what they want to do with Mommy. So there's always work and then play so that they see that even though yes, work is important activities with them are also important. And then the third strategy that I really, really like to use is Mommy's helper. And it's not always the most helpful. And sometimes yes, it does create more work for me. But it's showing them that they have value within what I'm doing and what I'm working in the life that we're building together as a family because this is our life, it's not just what I want or what my husband wants or what we want.

We want to involve our kids in what they want in our lives as well. I mean within reason they would love to fly somewhere every other week and go on vacation, but that's just not possible. But if you give them Some value. So like I make and sell items um like physical products and an Etsy store, so shower steamers, bath salts, bracelets, macro, many things like that. And my middle girl, she is a rock star. She loves to be bracelets. I can give her a pattern. We work on patterning, I can give her, I need 13 beads on there and she'll count them out and she'll string them on there and we make a game out of it. But she's being mommy's helper, she's helping me to accomplish my business goals so that we can accomplish our family goals as well. So I urge you to figure out different ways that work for you and your family and your kids because every family dynamic is different every day, kid is different and figure out what works for you and there's no shame, I don't want to lead you to believe that my kids are home with me all the time because they're not and I tried that for a while When the pandemic 1st started, it didn't go very well.

So then we started bringing in a nanny, which was awesome. She was amazing. My kids loved her. They, it was so great having them here for lunch every day and getting to interact with them for an hour on my lunch break and things like that. But it was really, really hard for me to take my mommy hat off and put my business. I want her hat on and not acknowledge that they were outside my office door all day long and I was in here working. And so we eventually made the decision that they do go to daycare four days a week. My oldest is in preschool, so she's in preschool, half day, she's in daycare, half the day. My oldest is in first grade and my 2.5 year old is just at daycare all day, four days a week, their home every Wednesday with me. And if there's a no school day, I try really hard to have that day off as well so that we can enjoy it together. But sometimes like with all the illness has been on, like next friday, my kids have the day off, they're going to daycare because mommy's got to get some work done too.

And that's okay because that sets me up to be able to enjoy nights at home with them weekends at home with them, school days off with them when they have them most of the time, but it's okay to accept help and I have never really wanted to be a stay at home mom. I also think that's something I need to be completely transparent with you about is that that was never a real strong desire for me. I always saw myself working in some capacity and so if that's what you want to do, if you want to raise your kids all day and work at night and work during that time and hustle during those in between times, that's ok too. But you have to find a dynamic that works for you. And one of the ways that I have been able to do that is to help my kids build as much independence as possible and the mommy guilt still creeps in from time to time. And I honestly wonder like is this selfish? Is this? You know, whatever r m I a detriment to my kids that I'm expecting them to entertain themselves for this hour throughout the day, or whatever it ends up being.

But the thing is is that that's just fear and I just I have to squash it, I have to say no, this is what's best for me, this is what's best for my kids, this is what's best for my family and I have to be at peace with it and I have to know that that everything's gonna be okay. The amount of learning that my kids do, going to daycare every day because they get to interact with other people and they get to learn other people are also an authority figure. They get to learn how to interact with kids that aren't in their family. There are so many blessings that have come from the decisions that we've made, that my husband and I are completely at peace with them, but that's a decision that you have to make as well. So refer back to those strategies on how to build independent kids and the three strategies that I use the parallel work, the setting the timer and having a mommy's helper to get as much work done as I can when I need to when I have to wear that mom hat and the business owner hat at the same time and just know that you are rocking it and the fact that you're listening to this episode is proof that you are not only a rockstar mom, but you're a rockstar business owner and I am here cheering you on every step of the way, so feel free to reach out or if you have specific questions about your specific situation, I'm happy to talk that through with you.

Like I said, I'm not an expert, I'm not a guru, but I have spent almost a decade working with young kids and just learning what's best for them and their development, so reach out to me, I will be happy to help you in any way that I possibly can. Mhm That's it for this week's episode of Self Care with Marissa raider, thank you for joining me and listen, if you enjoyed it and think your BFF or any other woman, you know, might benefit from it, send them a link, share this episode or screenshot it and share it on instagram and tag me at marisa dot raider and hey, if you haven't already come, hang out with me on the gram where I share all things building a life you truly love in order to help you be the best version of yourself until next week, I will be here cheering you on.

Ep. 46 Independence- It's Not Just for Beyonce
Ep. 46 Independence- It's Not Just for Beyonce
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