That Christian In Recovery

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There Was Something Missing

by Vernon Layne
July 16th 2020

Spiritual food is just as real as physical food. It satisfies us in a way that cannot be satisfied with anything physical.  Fame, sex, or money cannot fill our spiritual void. Until we have a perso... More

this podcast was created on messi, create your own show today at messy dot FM. Welcome back everyone with that christian and recovery podcast and I'm your host, vernon ale and this is that podcast where we talk about life's problems, we also discussed and we talk about the solution to those problems, but if we don't know the solution, we talk about our role in the problem, because I do believe that everyone is recovering from something, this has been a critical time right here, that everyone is going through right now this pandemic, a lot of people are getting impatient with with this pandemic and you know, the, they're open everything back up and I'll just pray that everyone tried to practice some patients continue to practice social distance, distance, continue to wear your mask, continue to wash your hands and just and just be safe you out, you know?

Um because that's what this thing about this, this thing is about trusting God, you know, and the day I want to talk about, I want to talk about satisfying our souls, I want to talk about something that, that I have come to learn, that I have been yearning for a very long time and I and I come to find out that only only God can fulfill this soul I'm talking about, there was always something missing before I found christ, there was always something missing um you know, I was always, I was the type of person you might be like me to that, that, that strive a lot that, that won't things that try to accomplish things that have goals and things like that and I still remember when I accomplish a goal, there was a feeling of not being satisfied, I don't care what that goal would.

Whenever I reached that goal, I would always ask myself, I would ask myself now, what do I suppose to do? So see there was always something missing. So, so, so then I would go, I would say that would go through a depression stage, I wouldn't call it depression, but I'd be downcast if you will a little bit until I come up with another idea and when I get another ideal uh, to, to accomplish something, then I say something to go off a light would go out like yeah, that's it, that's what I'll do next. I'll go back to college and then I'll be back excited again, I'll be back feeling good about myself again. But I was always addicted to strive and I was addicted to reaching for something, I was addicted to trying to find something outside of me to fulfill the spiritual void, there was always something missing.

I tried to fill it. I try to fill it with sex and it didn't work. I tried, I tried to fill it with my reputation. It didn't work. I tried to fill it with being popular, it didn't work. I tried to fill it with sports food, there's nothing physical, there is nothing outside of me that could fulfill the spiritual void and then I got to recovery and when I got to recovery, things change. Because what happened in recovery, I began to look on the inside of me. What happened in recovery is that I began to learn about me and I began to learn that there are so some things, some belief systems, some foundational belief system that I have, I have came to believe even before I started using drugs that kept me for fulfilling this spiritual void that's inside of me.

See, I tried church. Yeah, I tried church, right? I tried church and that didn't work for me. Yeah, I still go to church today, don't get me wrong, but I'm one of those type of person I need recovery and church c church alone don't work for me reason being is too superficial And I'm just gonna keep it 100 with y'all just saying what I talked to my God, just saying what I talked to my pastor and I share this with you all the time. The way y'all hear me, the way I speak to you guys on this podcast is the way I talked to God and it's the same way I talked to my pastor, you know, I'm not gonna sit here and try to try to paint this and wear this mask. I've been wearing masks for all my life, Y'all, I'm tired of wearing masks, I'm not about to go to no church and put on the mask. I'm not about to do that. You're gonna get it 100. Just like everybody else get it 100 why? Because I can relate to being 100. I can relate to, to, to, to transparency. I can relate to being vulnerable.

Why? I can relate to the truth. Why? Because I have been living a lie all my life when I grow up, when I grew up without a father and I thought that I was no good. That was a lot. I always lied to myself. I deceived myself. I am an expert. I'm an expert and self deception and rationalization. I don't understand me alone. That's why you think I got the pastor, Why you think I got all these brothers? That's in recovery. I got brothers. That's in church. I have brothers. That, that, that why they can, they can look at me and they can hear me and I can speak my truth and they can tell me when I'm lying to myself, why why do I lie to myself so much because I want to feel good about myself. Don't know person going to feel bad about themselves. So they make, if you, if you're like me, you make up this fantasy thing and you make up this world that you live in and you know, you'd be lying to you.

I'm talking about me, I'd be lying to myself. Like that ain't the truth. You know, you're lying man when you, you can catch yourself in a line, that's a line right there. So that's what I always try to do, you always try to to to feel the spiritual void, There was always something missing growing up and that's what I'm talking about today, That's something missing. So now I get to a 12 step recovery program and they teach me how to look at me, they teach me, they teach that, they teach that they are teaching me how to get get honest about my past behaviors. If you stole vernon, they say, say you stole, if you if you were no matter what, you've done an active addiction or even before active addiction, you need to get honest about it. Because if you can't get honest about it, you're gonna always live in this fall, you're going to you're going to always live in this self made prison.

So guys had to teach me Cindric curry, we teach each other how to get honest and it's a process, it's a process. So, until now I began to, to look at me And then I began this 12 steps began to take me back to God of my understand that's loving and kind. Now I'm beginning to build this loving relationship with him because when I look at it right, the bible says, huh? The bible said vernon, I was loving you, why you was a still a center. So when I was out there making wild and active addiction when I was out out there, being a soldier for the devil. So I was a soldier for the devil, I was down with that crazy, stupid stuff. And what you mean by being a soldier, what I mean by being a soldier, is that I was totally self centered, driven by insecurity and pride.

What called the devil to get knocked down from the sky and come down to the earth? It was his pride. I was full of pride. But God, say humble yourself God and say he was going to humble you. He say humble yourself, but see anything God allowed me to go through what I went through, because I was full of pride. There was something inside my head, my reality, when my brain and then my mind wasn't matching up with reality that I see. And now in our recovery, it says in Step two, we can begin to believe what we see, think about that. Yeah, And step two, it says Vernon, you can begin to believe what you see what hold up, what what, what y'all trying to tell me what we're trying to tell you, vernon, Is that what you're looking at?

You really don't see it for what it is, you see it from based on your past experience, You see it? Well, no matter what I'm looking at, it can be my job, it can be, I don't care what it is, it can be my wife, it can be whatever. I don't look at them for who they are or what it is. I look at it for the way I wish it would be, or or or the way I think it should be why, because my mind is distorted and the reason why my mind is distorted because I have been deceiving myself my entire life. So now, so now, what what takes place is that I began to seek the truth when you have a loving working relationship with jesus christ, jesus christ is the light, jesus christ is the way and he's the truth and only the truth will set you free and those what I said ourselves in a self made prison that's inside my mind, I don't see the world the way it is, I see the world, the world the way it should be, or I think it should be, or I wish it would be because the world's a hostile environment to a self centered person that I once was, and in any given day I still can be self centered, I just don't stay there.

As long as I used to be a lot of people, they asked me to say, they say vernon, what's the opposite of love? I say selfishness, being selfish, I don't say hate selfish because he love is about giving love is about putting other people before yourself, I tell people all the time. So I know a person that's selfish and then they're talking about, they're about to get married. I said man I highly recommend you don't do it. Why the you got married because you're too selfish. I I spent 16 years with a woman itself and I was full of self and it's painful for you the wife and the Children until you want to grow up. If you are willing to grow up, if you are willing to mature, if you're willing to allow the other person their process of maturing and growing up then okay yeah get married. It's a beautiful thing. But if you're not patient, if you can't practice patience with yourself, if you can't practice especially patients with the other person.

If you can't if you can't do it man. I I recommend don't do it. That's just me. You know I ain't trying to get size right? That's just my stuff, right? Because a lot of people look at me and my wife and they see how happy we all how silly we are and all that we have and we have like big kids and they're like I want that boy be careful what you ask for. Yeah you yeah man my wife, we we we crack jokes and act silly all. Yeah but we have been through some stuff so you're only seeing the results. You ain't seeing the process. That was a process to get to where we're at and we still strive but now we just best of friends down. Why? Because we learn to get vulnerable, I had to learn to get vulnerable, right? And who does that? Who is the holy Spirit job to teach me the right way. That's why when jesus left right, jesus said look man, I got to go, my job finished, it's a wrap, I'm out, 5000, that's what Jesus said. So now they're getting people, you know, disciples getting all salt and they boo horn, whatever, right? You know, jesus said, look man, I got a comforter for you, okay, I'm gonna send you somebody, okay, I'm gonna send you someone, right, that's he's gonna he's gonna be there for you don't panic.

So now the Holy Spirit comes down, he live in all of us. What did your holy spirit have a job? And his job is to what lead us to the truth now. So as I begin to build this relationship with christ and the Holy Spirit began to reveal some things to me, he began to feel my spiritual void. Okay, active addiction. Uh I used everything, I use a berry down, you know, I smoked up the marriage, I smoked up my retirement, I smoked up my hope. I smoked up my relationship with the kids. When you, when you're in active addiction, you you can smoke everything up the dog. I smoked up the dog, I smoked up my thoughts, I smoked up everything, okay, that's just my story. So now I end up in the Salvation Army, I end up the Salvation Army. That's really when I first met jesus christ. Yeah, that's why I first met him, I met him in the Salvation Army. So I began to build a relationship with him. So anyway one time I was out smoking cigarettes but back then I was smoking cigarettes and we had just had breakfast and I was sitting outside, I was smoking a cigarette in the break area, you know the smoking area and I was talking to something, I forgot who it was.

But I was talking I said you know what he said, what's that V. I said I don't have nothing. I seven I don't got put out the house and my marriage gone, I don't want to smoke up all my money. I said I'm sitting in this facility with all men whose are addicts. I thought I got like a dollar, I think I had like a dollar and some change in my pocket. Didn't have a car, didn't have nothing, didn't know what's where the relationship with my Children going, I'm talking about I was absolutely bankrupt. But there was one thing that I had and it was the most satisfying thing that a person can ever have. And when I had at that time was a personal working relationship with christ And when I stood out there smoking that cigarette I told that dude I said you know what he said what V. I said this is what I've been looking for my entire life. This is the most satisfying thing on earth.

I don't need nothing else, right? This is what I'm telling this guy said, this is what I've been looking for. I tried to get it in sports, are trying to get in sex money, popular, everything buying things, jewelry, called Lincoln town called Rottweilers, all this stuff that the world said that I was successful, the world say the world say, look, this is how you be successful and this is what's going to make you feel good about yourself. Turning the world is a lie, that's why the bible said do not be conformed to the ways of the world, but be transformed by the renewal of the mind. So now I began to think differently Uh huh. So so God stripped me, he stripped me, he took me to a place to isolated place, He took me a place that only me and him can build the relationships. He I read the bible every day, I meditated on every day.

I listened to christian music every day. I was feeding my spirit every day. Then God began to slowly bring me back around and what I mean by that, y'all he stripped me from the belief that in order to fulfill your spirit vernon, you have to have these things right? But there was a lot that those things never satisfied my soul. See God knew, he knew that the spiritual emptiness that I had a side that I was yearning for him. So he took me to a place that I could connect with him. Right? See, spiritual food is just like physical food. Yeah. All right. And what I mean by that is satisfy us. But there is no physical food or no physical thing out there that can satisfy your spiritual needs.

See, we're all spiritual beings, every last one of us with spiritual, spiritual nature, we don't have to go to church and we just saw with spiritual and we have to feed their spirit. So now God began to bring my life back around because now I have what it takes right? I have what it takes. I have a working relationship with God. I haven't surrendered all the way, but I felt his presence And I knew back then this 2006 that that's what I was looking for. Now. The scripture for today. Yeah, we're gonna read just psalm 63. Okay, we're gonna just read the first verse and I'm just gonna use this is the foundation for what I'm talking about. This. Was this a sum of David regarding time when David. Okay, I was in the wilderness of judea and say, oh God, you are my God. I earnestly search for you.

My soul thirsts for you, My whole body long for you in this parts and weary laying where there is no water. It said, my soul thirsts for you. My soul thirsts field. There's only one way to satisfy that thirst. And that's a relationship with God. So, you see see when God, when you when you when you have a working relationship, I ain't talking about that superficial stuff. I'm talking about that deep down inside that soul thing with God. Wait, wait, where? There's no nothing else You you you you know you all right? I ain't talking about I ain't talking about that superficial stuff. I'm talking about that real deep down inside Got rich and stuff when things ain't right. You know, you're still all right. So, God began to bring all this stuff back. But when you have a relationship with God and the Holy Spirit is working in your life, you begin to see things differently. You see them for what they're really worth.

Yeah, I love my job. But my job, I don't get my work from my job. I love my wife. But I don't get myself worth from my wife. I love my Children. And Lord knows I love my grand baby. But I do not get myself worth from my Children from the money from this house. I live in nothing because trick no good. I'm not falling for that one no more right. I'm not falling for that. I had I know for a fact that I'm already all right. When they get when they get hard around here because times your time show up in that house, just like time show up and everyone home. But we'll be all right. Why? Because I have experienced that relationship and has and have my my thirst, my my spiritual thirst quenched. So, if you're going through something okay, if you're going through something right now, one of the methods that the devil uses to deceive us and he also and the world used the same thing is to make us think that in order for us to be all right with ourselves, there are certain things have to be in place.

I'm gonna share that again. one of the methods that the devil used to trick us to think that we need to be all right with ourselves. Is that certain things need to be in place, right? I'm talking about the devil and the world wants to believe in order for us to like ourselves. We have to be a certain way in order for us to like ourselves. We have to make a certain amount of money. And in order for like ourselves, we have to live in a certain community in order for us to like ourselves and to accept ourselves. We have to we have to have a certain grade point average. We have to drive a certain car. We have to live in a certain community. These are the ways of the world and they and and don't fall for that because rather you got a job or not. You All right? Uh huh. Whether you have a woman or a husband, it don't matter you All right? Well, I got arthritis in my knee, vernon, You all right?

I can't find a job. You are all right, okay. You are right. God didn't tell you come to me. He didn't say Vernon come to me once you get your life together. He didn't say that. He said put me first. That's what this what God, how he speaks to me. He said, look, put me first and my king put me in the kingdom first and everything else. Everything else will be added to you. It be given to you and let me share something with you. I'm not and I'm not knocking God's blessing. I will never Not God bless us. But when you put God first and you have a working relationship with God, I'm trying to tell you how cars and houses don't have that much meaning, man, it just doesn't Yeah, yeah, we live in nice houses on a it's on a golf course. God built this home for me and my wife, I am. I'm knocking it. No, it's just it's just a home. It's a home. God told me, thank vernon bigger than this life. See this is what happened when that spiritual, that spiritual thirst get quenched.

You begin to see things like God see things, you begin to see people like God, see people. See, see I begin I'm learning God is transforming. Mean, he is teaching me, vernon don't look at people while where the way they are, they struggle and they and they got shortcomings and defects, just like you. But look at people vernon away, I look at you when you was out there, still center Vern and I looked at your potentials, man, look at external things, Virna, I read the heart and the reason why I read the heart, because that's really what I'm looking for. I'm looking for the heart and I can teach you, vernon how to interact with people and read their heart. I can teach you that if you allow me to teach you that. So now I'm being filled and my eyes are beginning to open and now I'm seeing things like I never saw him before, but I'm really saying them for their truth and the truth is that God is about relationships.

God isn't about things God, he don't get all wrapped up into this world. He is thinking about bigger things after this life. And that's what happens when you begin to feel your thirst and your spiritual hunger, you see past what's going on right now, okay? You see you see things that that that you know that you see motives, thank you Holy spirit motives. You see, you see you begin to hear when the holy spirit is guiding you and your spiritual thirst is being taken care of your spiritual hunger is beginning to taking care of, you can begin to hear what people are not saying, You can see the hurt you want to help. Now I wake up more now.

I'm thinking about other people more than I ever have in my life. And I'm not talking about how I used to think about other people, I used to worry about other people. I used to think other people, if God can just fix them, I can be all right now and I'm learning like no God don't need to fix other people. Don't let the devil trick you like that. God need to fix you. And when he fixed you, your perception and perspective change and when your perspective and your perception changes, you begin to see things differently. So you got that spiritual hungry. Yeah. And I'm just gonna share this and I'm gonna wrap this thing up, is that one thing we need to do? Yeah, we need to seek God. Right? I'm talking about day and night, this, you know, knows what I said. I was in the Salvation Army, I listen to gospel music. I prayed in there every day. I would just, I just spent all my time with God. That's when I first met him. Right? So now, even though it's been years since I've been in there, I still have my same system going up.

I mean going on that I had in Salvation Army, This is what I tell people coming out of recovery. I said listen, don't be fooled because you're out here now it's the same thing in a facility. You have a counselor. Okay, out here we have sponsors in the facility. You went to meetings. Okay, out here we go to meetings in the facility. You have a network out here. When I mean out here, I mean outside of a facility, you know, just life on life's terms. It's the same thing. I do the same thing every day what I do first thing I wake up, I talked to God, boom, talked to him sometimes feel like praying and I tell them, look, I don't feel like praying. Sometimes I get to drive a drive by prayer again. Y'all, I ain't trying to be perfect. And if I struggle praying or whatever it just is what it is. Why? Because God no me more than y'all he know me more than I know myself. He made me so why should I trip on me If I know God ain't tripping on me. But see the, the religions would make you think that you have to pray perfectly.

These religion would make you think you have to live like this and this, this No, you have to do your best with what you have to try to live the way and try to live the way God jesus christ walked. That's all you, that's all I can do, jesus was perfect. I'm not perfect. Okay, but I can try my best and that's all he asked me to do is try my best. So you got to seek him. You have to seek God right? Every day, every night, right? The second thing we have to do, we have to communicate with him through jesus christ. Okay we have to we have that's that's the way to talk to God. You can't go to God. I mean the bible said that look there's only one way to the father that's through me. So don't get it twisted. Don't be thinking you all special. You just go around jesus and go straight to God, he don't get down like that. You have to go through his son. You have to believe in his son. I believe he died. You got to believe he was he rolls. You gotta believe all that. Okay then let's say you say you say you believe all that you saved. Okay. But I'm just trying to teach you how to be saved and live in a little peace and and live with not as much pain and that's learning how to be gathered by the Holy Spirit right?

Because the Holy Spirit is the one that fulfilled that hunger inside of you and not only he feels fulfilled that hunger inside you, he guides you, he guides you. You don't just hear your crazy thinking all the time. If you're quiet enough, you begin to hear the holy Spirit and the Holy spirit is always quiet and you're always telling you to do the right thing. That's how, that's how you talk to me. Anyway. He always quiet and he ain't really ain't real impulsive. That's one thing I learned about the Holy Spirit. He's not impulsive. I mean, he's patient now. My, my addictive thinking. He impulsive. You know, I mean, something happened. I just react if I hold up and I can hear the Holy Spirit say, let that go, don't worry about it. It'll be all right, go over there and have this person. He always trying and Holy Spirit, always trying to tell you to help somebody with no motives though. See sometimes I can help people. I have I have hidden agendas. The Holy Spirit, he don't have no motives, right?

So and so that's what we have to do, right? So we have to communicate right through jesus christ and and the last thing we have to do, we have to pour out our hearts and soul to God. Okay, that's very important, man. Pulling out your heart and Soul. The guy, I remember my mother and I shared this couple of podcasts before that my mother told me this way when I was a center. Right? Well, I'm talking about, you know, when I was seven, my mother said runner, no matter what you can call on God, he will hear you. And I remember that my bottom my world had came to an end. I was laying on the floor. I had been out of smoking getting half of four days straight. I was done. Yeah. I remember my cheekbones was showing you can see my you can see my man, you can see my D. N. A. That's how skinny I was. They're not just for some reason I remember but now looking back, I know what the holy spirit, right? And I remember when my mother said, she said no matter what you're going through, no matter who will accept who won't accept you you can always call on God and all.

I said, yeah was God help me. That's all I said. And here I am today with a podcast, right? Living living in peace. Giving back because that's all this thing is about I'm just giving back. There's people out there. I'm saying my my my stats go up. I'm seeing people emailing me, they asked me the thing is working is doing God's will to God be the glory. I'm just gonna keep speaking my truth. That's all I am trying to be perfect. I'm just speaking my truth and that's all I have. So I appreciate you guys. And I hope you guys got somebody that again until next time. My name is burning mail and thanks for listening to that christian and recovery podcast. I'm uh

There Was Something Missing
There Was Something Missing
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