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The Ingredients Of Life - How You Know When You're Ready For Something More

by Mark & Annette Anderson
September 9th 2021

This podcast will teach you how to get over your fear of failure and start living a life worth sharing. In this podcast, we'll share Bobbi Kahler's personal story of success and fail... More

Yeah, hi everyone, it's marketing it with the angels were excited to be with you today, this is an exciting time as we're with a guest today, bobby Caylor, we've had a chance to visit with bobby for a few minutes before this and uh and I'll tell you were excited because bobby is a real treat. Uh let me tell you a little about bobby before we get too far into it, but by the way, welcome bobby, we're so glad to have you here, God, thank you, I'm glad to be here. So as I was reading a little bit about you, I'm very impressed as an entrepreneur from the age of 34 bobby has led workshops for thousands of people. She's worked with some of the most recognizable brands on the planet. During that time Bobby has coached upwards of 3000 people and those are all individual people, this isn't a group setting, this is individual people and so very impressive.

She's known as a personal change chef now, that's interesting and we're going to be talking about what that means in a moment for people because she helps them take their raw ingredients and create a recipe that will bring out their best so they can be their most fulfilled and successful selves at the heart of it all. She is a servant of anyone seeking personal growth and transformation. Both of her undergrad and graduate degrees were fueled by passion for the mind and heart of the learner. Her passion is deeply rooted in personal transformation and the belief that the only thing that prevents us from achieving greatness is the belief in ourselves, wow, you know that that says a lot just right there, but once again bobby welcome, we're so glad to have you with us today, thank you. Thanks. So so I've got to just start if I could uh personal change shit, I love that analogy, where did that come from? Um it was one of my coworkers, he is a very creative person and he's like you know what, you really do, your personal change chef and I love to cook as well, so that was kind of a fun play and I'm like sean, what do you mean a personal change chef?

And and he's the one that said, you know what you do is you help people understand what are the raw ingredients that they have which would be their strengths, their values, that core identity and then how do you take that? Maybe adding some new stuff and create something new out of it and Uh huh I like that, I resonate with that and I like to cook as well and just taking those ingredients, I mean it's something that just comes within and thinking, wow we can create something fresh and new, yep by what's inside already and then adding to it. Yeah and I don't know how you are but sometimes the most fun I have cooking, not when I'm following a recipe but like I opened the refrigerator or the pantry door and I say what do I have? Sometimes it does turn out the way I wanted to, but it's fun, my kids, that's how I am and our and our kids will often ask mom, how do I make this?

And I'm like little bit of this a little bit, I've had to start, you know, I'll do it and then I'll put what's in my hand and measure it, yep, so that they can have it. But I anyway, it's something that I'm excited to learn more about this personal change chef. Yeah, I loved it when I heard it. So bobby is as I read that the first time, the first thing I thought of was eggs. You know, we we take an egg out of the refrigerator, we we crack the egg open and whatever we're making, whether we're making an omelet or whether we're making a batch of cookies or whatever it is, that egg transforms itself into something much better than the raw version. That's right. So maybe we can start talking a little bit about the rawness. There's I I think all of us feel a little bit raw, especially now, a little bit raw, a little bit cracked. Yeah, eggs still good if it's cracked, Is it expired. Right?

Right. But I think we all feel a little bit cracked right now, we've gone through a major major experience that none of us have ever experienced before. Something that has really tested all of us, to our, to our core. What has been your experience in dealing with that rawness in people. Uh first of all I think you're right, I think we've all been affected by it in ways that, you know, it varies from person to person. Um but I think it's challenged a lot of my clients, it's really challenged them to kind of evolve. You know, like I was working for example, I was working with one salesperson and, and he's like, you know, I was really good showing up and in an office and and having conversations face to face and he's like, I don't know how to sell over the phone and I said it's, his name's mike and I'm like mike, it's really the same set of skills. It's a little different, right? But a lot of the basics you already have. So the basic ingredients right there already there. So how do we number one recognize, what are those basic ingredients and then what ingredients do we need to add in?

Because to me ingredients, these are the skills or knowledge behaviors those can be learned, right? So once we identify this is what we want to add in, great. Now it just becomes, how do I learn it, how do I practice it? And how do I master it? And that's I think one of the biggest things that I've seen, yeah, you know, from change to acceptance. That's something I've seen a lot of, you know, I I'm the same way professionally. Most of my days are spent out visiting agents for the company that I work with and I'm on the road quite a bit and that all changed overnight to the point where I'm sitting here in my office, my home office doing zoom meetings. You're absolutely right, fundamentally. Nothing had really changed. But the delivery and and that, you know, I think is probably the biggest issue that all of us have is that life hasn't changed tremendously. But the skills that takes us for, for us to get to where we need to go are a little bit different.

And you talk about in your, about you what it means to change and how sometimes the most important part of change is not the change itself is just getting off the diamond, starting to do something, doing something to talk about that little bit. Yeah, well I think that so when coaching as many people as I have, sometimes people fall into the trap of, I have to have the perfect plan. I have to know, I have to know everything that's out there before I can get started. And the truth of the matter is you don't have to have the perfect plan if you do fantastic right? But a lot of times we don't, so I kind of operate from a standpoint of three fundamental truths that I believe in the first one is that the future can be changed, Right? I mean, I've lived that myself when I was 23, I was on a road to nowhere and I was getting their way too fast. Like it was like, how did my life turn out this way? And and and so and so I know that we can change it, right?

The future is not carved in stone. The second thing is that you can change your future, right? You can be your own hero. Um in fact, I heard someone say this way, this was years and years ago. We get to be the we get to be the author of our own life, you know, so obviously what's the story when you want to tell and then, but owning that we are the author of our own life. And then the third fundamental belief I have is that you don't need to wait, You can start because anything you need to learn, you can learn along the way. And I think that's when it comes to coaching, that's the part that gets me the most excited because that's where people, I think really starts to two step into their power because I think a lot of times people think, well, you know, either I'm born that way or I'm not, maybe there's some of that, but there's very little that we can't can't compensate for with with, with skills, with knowledge with behavior change and that there's a there's a system for doing that and that's what I love helping people do.

I've got a lot of follow up questions with that. But you know, I I think I want to start with asking you specifically, why why is this important to you and why have you taken this to the degree that you have professionally? Was there something that happened? Was there something transformative lee in you that needed to change that making so passionate about this? Yes. Story. A lot of stories. But the reason I do what I do, um to two people, right? If we think about the trail angels and all that kind of stuff to people first was my mom. Um and it happened very young when I was about six years old. The school that I attended this was in rural Illinois. And I say rule, I mean it was a farming village like 50 people, right? So they contacted my parents and they said we're bringing in a speech pathologist for Bobby and and as a six year old and this is a waste of time. Everybody knows I can't talk why make me prove it Right.

So I met with the speech pathologist and it did not go well, there was something like 18 sounds I think that I couldn't make at the time. And I stuttered, which of course got worse when I was nervous. And of course I was nervous. And so when I, when I got home that day, I was standing in the kitchen talking to my mom or listening to my mom in the phone rang and I could tell that it was you know, standing there listening to her side of the conversation, I could tell that it was a speech pathologist and I could tell the news wasn't good. And when she got off the phone of the speech pathologist, she told me what he had to say. And what he told my mom that day was in his expert opinion. I had catastrophic speech problems. And in his expert opinion, there was no hope of me ever overcoming them. And he also told her he's like, this will be a life long disability for her. And instead of my mom giving into that, she hugged me and she whispered in my ear, she said, we are not going to listen to him because you never let someone else tell you what you can or cannot do.

And I think that was I was six years old. Those words changed my life. Her actions changed my life. And there's not a day that goes by when I don't think about that. I don't think about those moments. And I think that's what we have the potential to be for someone else. And that's why that's one of the big reasons. And there's a second person that's equally important. But that's one of the big, big reasons that I do what I do. You know, and go ahead. Your mom, wow. You know, that whisper in your ear. Mhm. Combined with the hug, who felt the love, you felt that reassurance and you believed your mom. I believe my mom well, more importantly, she believed in you. She believed in me. Exactly. And it takes those things. I think for any of us to be successful, one to believe, knowing that someone believes in us or believe or believe in ourselves. But then also believing whether it's that our mom, our spouse, our coach.

Mhm. That that is so key. It's huge. I mean, if she would have listened and believed even a little bit that speech pathologist, I believe your life would be very different. Oh, it would be totally different. And here's the other thing, this is why I think what you're saying there and a net is so right is the one of the things my mom refused to let me work that speech pathologist. And so she would, this was a small town, right? People didn't have a lot to do. So she got calls from the principles from from from the principal, from teachers, from other parents. And they're like, why won't you let bobby work? The speech pathologist. And her answer was always the same. She said, why would I let her work with someone who has already decided that she is going to fail, right? And as a coach, if you don't believe in the person that you're coaching and if as the coach e you don't feel that belief from the coach, How much progress can you really make? I think it's I think it's essential.

And so I was I was completely blessed to have that experience at such a young age. So so that was part of it. That was that was one of the significant people for me. I think that's a great story because it goes even further than than the belief that the pathologist had, or the fact that he didn't feel like you could make that change, but parents today, you know, I I would ask the obvious question and I think we all know the answer how important is positive reinforcement with parents today. And and I I know that we all agree with that, but sometimes we don't do it lights good. Any thoughts on that. Yeah, here's something, so it's positive reinforcement, right? And you you've probably heard people talk about carol Dweck, she wrote, she talks about growth mindset versus fixed mindset, and one of the important things that she says is how we give praise. And and so like instead of saying, oh, you're so smart, you did a great job on the test, right?

That's fine. That's positive reinforcement. But what what she says is to say, you worked really hard to get that good grade on the test. Now we're praising the effort that goes into it. And that was something my mom was a she was a high school graduate, So she didn't have an advanced degree, but that's something she did. She always praised my effort. The second thing that she did and this is it's so important. It goes to the power of the word yet. So for example I would get frustrated because it took me. I was in my late I was in my twenties before I really stopped thinking to myself as someone with speech problems. It wasn't like they just magically went away. It was years of hard work and I would get frustrated. I remember this one time I could not say the word milk for whatever reason, I couldn't make that L. K. Sound and I said I can't say it and I was like no you can't say it yet. But think of the embedded hope, the embedded belief that comes with that little tiny word yet.

Can't see it yet. And that made me keep trying until eventually I did. So that's those would be my two points on that positive reinforcement. Yeah. And you know, you look at those in our Children's lives and you know, any anyone more important than the mother, her father uh to to reinforce that. You know, that's so critical. So so I've got a question and this is a professional question I'd ask you, I need you to diagnose my problem. I'm not a multitasker. I have a hard time multitasking and my my rationalization often when I don't start something and that's exactly what it is, is a rationalization is I've got other things in the hopper, other things that are that are probably important but maybe not as important as something that I would need to change. How can I become better at juggling more balls in the air or is it is that even the issue? Yeah I would say it would take more to find out the exact issue right?

Because it could be around how much how much priority to give those things. What are the values of those things? And also when you say multitasking, do you truly mean trying to do two things at once or do you mean tasks switching between activities? That's a good that's a good thought, its task switching probably more than anything else. Yeah and here's the thing Mark we're wired very differently as individuals like my husband and I um I am really good at task switching. I don't know why um I just am now my husband when he starts working on something, he needs that concentration time, he needs that focus time. If someone if he gets interrupted it takes him a long time, get back to that spot where he was and and it's just part, we're all different. So then it's then it comes down to like for him when he's going to work on something like that, we say it's it's a 90 minute sprint because neuroscience tells us that our brains work really well in 90 minute to two hour increments beyond that we start to lose our effectiveness.

So our signal is because we both work from home, he closes his door and then I don't, I mean if the house is on fire, I'll interrupt sure that I try not to interrupt That makes him more effective. And then the other thing that he does, which is something that I learned years ago at the end of that 90 minute sprint, he makes a note of what's next in this project? That way when he goes back to it, he doesn't have to spend time thinking about where did I leave off? What was I going to do next? The next step is outlined for him. And that makes it a lot quicker. So, but again, everyone learns and everybody uh, functions very differently. I don't know if that helps it on. Well it does. And I can relate to your husband because I'm pretty much the same. Thank you nailed it. I'm a lot like you. And that I can ask switch. Mm hmm. And Mark is very much like your husband. Yeah, I like that 90 minute spirit. I think that's something that we may be incorporating in our Yeah, lifestyle here.

Because it just makes sense. And it makes sense leaving yourself that little note as well. That's right. Because then you're not going to waste The 1st 10, 15 minutes of that sprint trying to figure out where am I going next, That's right, That's right. There's been a lot of great work, I think Tony Schwartz was one of the researchers on how our brains operate best and it's funny to me when I do that in my sweet spots, 90 minutes, some people is two hours, but you got to figure out for yourself when I do that, I'm so effective and then even, and then you have like a 15 minute break between it. Like you might go do the dishes or, you know, go for a walk or something, but you come back refreshed. It's stunning how much more productive a person is that way? Yeah, I totally agree. Now one of the things that you mentioned as well is that one of your signature strengths is a helper. And when I read that I thought of the angiogram uh tested in it and I took and uh you know, and that comes out as a helper while I come out as an achiever.

And sometimes the dynamics kind of go like this together, they kind of, they kind of knock against each other, but we've learned uh you know, we where each of us need to focus our attention not only on ourselves, but each other as we're going to, to work together as a companionship. It made great sense to things that, you know, the last 30, some odd years, I couldn't figure out. Yeah. And and maybe even frustrated me from times and I know that I frustrated Mark with certain my certain characteristics that he couldn't quite understand as well, but when we did this it was like this ah ha wow. And now it doesn't, there's no frustration because we have that understanding, we learned one from another, you know, you talk about as the signature strength to help being, helping people to start just start Mhm But then you talk about and to learn their way forward.

Yeah, I mean by that, by the, learn your way forward, yes, it kind of goes back a little bit to the notion around just starting, right, So to me it's I love sports, okay, I grew up loving sports, I still love sports when I was a kid, oh my gosh, this has brought back a memory. Um I wanted to play baseball like my sister Nanette, she eventually played semipro ball, she's amazing, like you should see her trophy case unbelievable. Um and I wanted to be as good as Nanette and I was never gonna be that good probably, but I had a lot of spunk and I had a work ethic but I'll never forget, she was my first coach and I didn't want to strike out and you know, because that, you know, you don't want to do that and so I stand in the batter's box and I watched pitch after pitch after pitch go by and I didn't want to swing because I don't want to strike out. Well, what happens is I struck out looking, looking, which is the worst. And I was welcome back to the bench and my sister and Annette said what just happened? I'm like, well I didn't want to strike out and she's like, what you did, She said you have to find the courage to swing the bat.

And that's kind of the just start, right? Because if we don't do that, nothing happens. We have to find a way to get in the game and then to learn your way forward, that goes to that belief that we can learn what we need to learn. So to me there, like there are three components, they have learned your way forward. There's action, right? So we have to take an action then we need to assess, okay, so I took that action, what happened, How did it go? Um, did it go as I expected? Did it go sign in ways? You know, but, but to truly given an honest assessment, how did it work? And then from there we adapt. Okay, so next time when I do that, this is how I'm going to change it. This is how I'm going to tweak it or you know what I'm going to do it the same way I just did. And in further assessing. So I always think that learning, it's kind of like a laboratory, right? It's this great experiment and we're just learning and I think the power of that is when we do that, we take that pressure off of ourselves. Of what if we make a mistake, what if we fail?

It's an experiment. We're just learning if we put that lens on and we're curious about it, we take away so much pressure and that allows us to act I think with a little bit more confidence, with little bit more courage and with more optimism. So that's kind of what I mean by that, just the other day, I was talking to someone and they said that they felt doing a certain task that they thought would work. And I said, well, you only fail if you stop. That's right. If you learn, if you're basically, if you assess mhm. What you did and then adapt it. You didn't fell, you didn't fail. It's a process. That's right. It's just a process and brings that processes daily. It can be daily, whatever our goal is to accomplish a certain thing. Yet you have to take the action, you have to access and you have to adapt. Yeah. And it also has to be a real try, right?

Sometimes he'll do something once and they're like, well, that didn't work. That's not a real try. Um I love we were sharing you guys are from Utah. So, and I'm here in Colorado, I love cross country skiing. That's why I live where I do. I mean, I'm two minutes from the nordic center and but I grew up in the midwest. So I, you know, I used to stick where it was really flat and there's a lot of, you know, we're in the rockies and sometimes I'll encounter a new hill and it scares me to death. It's like, oh my goodness, that's really scary. And my husband always says you have to try it more than once because the first time you try something, you're just overcoming your fear, right? The second time you go down and you're like, okay, all right, yeah, I can still do this the third time down. That's when you start to think, oh, was that fun? Did I like it? So you have to give it a real try. Another thing he says is um he says, uh if you're not falling once in a while, you're not pushing yourself hard enough. So whenever I land in a snowbank, he's like, he does wait until I get out of the snow bank and then he's like, hey, but that's how he tries to encourage me through that, which is awesome.

You know, I haven't thought about that, That real try. Yeah, it was more than once. It's more than once and that's a new way to look at things for me, you know, and I love the fact that, and I love all the sports analogies, you know, we're right in there together, bobby I drive some people nuts with it. Sorry? No, but you know, I'm thinking about the times that I was up to back uh huh, scared to death to strike out just like you. But I quickly learned that, you know, I could hit it and and as that confidence grew, it became, you know, there was that it became really fun and it's time to see what will happen next and but if we stop, we don't ever experience, we don't get fun. No, we don't get to it. Yeah, I was thinking as you're talking there, uh that's a great analogy about cross country skiing.

And I used to do the same thing with cross counter with alpine skiing in the fact that that, you know, so you can easily go all day without falling. Uh huh And you're on those uh you're on those blue diamond. Uh no, you're on, you're on the blue and you never fall. Uh and what a what a great day of skiing, but at the same time, once you start seeing those triple black diamonds uh there and you make that decision, you're gonna go down. You know, you're not going to be successful the first time. But I'll tell you, you know, there's there's an exhilaration once you're able to do something and feel good about yourself. But I think that sometimes too often we we feel too comfortable in our own skin. We we don't want to change. What would you tell a person that uh feels like they just don't want to change everything is okay right now and, and dog on it. I don't want to fall, well, you know what? Sometimes it's not the time to fall. Right. And so I think that for me it is, I tend, I grow more when I'm challenging myself, but that's me.

Um, there's a great, it's a methodology for change called the intentional change theory and it's by Richard Boycott says he started studying it back in the late 60s. It's a proven methodology. It's been researched thousands and thousands of times, but it starts with the ideal self, Who do we see ourselves to be? What's that ideal vision of ourselves? And and mark to your point once in a great while someone will show up to coaching and everything they want in life they have that's okay. If that's the case, then the coaching becomes around. How do we maintain that? How do we sustain that change? But, but I'd say more often than not, I don't know, I don't know a percentage on it, but the vast majority of times there is something more that someone wants. So, but then it becomes connecting it back to why is it important? Because if we connect to why is it important, why do I want this? It kind of pulls us forward. You know what I mean? And that becomes its own motivation. Yeah, I guess I'm stuck on the, on the idea that how do we recognize that change is necessary because we we you know, maybe maybe we're in that mode where we think that everything is good, but in reality maybe our our partner, maybe our Children, maybe somebody else says, you know, why don't you try this?

You know, I think you like it, but we just kind of get stuck there and it's hard to get unstuck and I it's frustrating sometimes because we don't want to look like we're failing at something and that's probably one of the biggest reasons why we don't do it in the first place is we don't want to look like a failure. So if that's our motivation, if it's a self protection, that's that's kind of different, right? Because if we want to do something and we're not doing it because we don't want to fail, that's very, very different. And I think that it's hard to take away the the negative charge that people have around the word fail, right? And that's why I go back to the whole laboratory, It's an experiment. It that's all it is. Um and there's a great book by two stanford professors feffer and Sutton called the knowing doing gap and they analyzed why is there such a gap between what we know we should do and what we actually do And they found the number one barrier was fear.

And so one of the things I talked about is this is an organization's but take try your best to take away that fear. So like for managers, it would be instead of instead of punishing someone who who has the courage to try an action and then they fail, they don't do it right the first time and who does punish in action, the people who aren't doing anything new, but but I think it really comes down to helping people reframe, what does it mean to fail? You know? And so it's not an easy thing. But I think that when we can do that, when we can help people see this is a normal part of the learning process and it is think about it when kids are learning how to walk and they fall, do we say, oh my goodness, they failed. No, we're saying they're learning how to walk, but we don't give ourselves that same grace as adults. Just like when you were talking about um baseball, right? How much fun was it to learn something new as a kid? That's great and we lose that as adults.

So so somehow to bring that joy back into it. That joy of uh the discovery, the exploration, that curiosity, I'm just a big believer in that that I think will help people. There's something about that curiosity that we need to embrace. Mhm. I need to embrace it. It more often as opposed to being I think sometimes we're cautious. Yeah, cautious in those steps forward because we don't really know what it's going to look like, that's right and and so you're creating something here that there's really not, there's really not the perfect way of doing it, the directions, you know, okay, do this, this, this and this and you're going to get here. Whereas we can, you know, have that curiosity. Sometimes we go, we hike a lot and Mark will take me on, you know, be leading the way and sometimes that curiosity takes over and I end up saying where in the world are we?

And he always knows, you know, he might not know exactly where we are, but he can see where we want to be. And so it becomes this this fun journey. And and then there's times that I'm like, no, let's just stay on the path, let's just stay on the proven path together where we're at. And and so somehow there's got to be a balance, I guess in life and curiosity and staying on the path because sometimes we need the path right, When we're going through intense periods of uncertainty. Having a path, having something familiar is actually very beneficial because there's only so much our brains can take on at any given point, you know? And then the thing about curiosity to which makes it so magical. This is something that part of my grad degree. I had to study neuroscience. Not very much thank goodness because I don't think I would have made one of the things we learned is that you can't, you can't be curious and judgmental at the same time.

So if I'm truly being curious about how something's going to turn out or about the conversation, I'm not judging it just like we were talking to at the beginning right about about, you know, opening the pantry doors and saying, oh, what can I make with this stuff? We're not judging ourselves in that moment. Were being curious, what can I create? What can I make? And so when we take that judgment away, it also makes us easy. It makes it easier for us to act because we're not, we're not ready. We're not preparing to be our own worst critic, which we usually are, You know what I mean? Absolutely. Absolutely. So let's, let's put that in perspective. We we've talked individually and in families maybe uh, as as you have had a chance to talk with organizations during the last number of months, what, what have you seen that has been the biggest struggle with organizations trying to find themselves after someone had moved their cheese. I mean it's it's a tough thing.

I'm telling you what I look at. I look at my division that has suffered incredibly because of change. And we talked about transformative change and how important change can be, but at the same time there is that fear that we've talked about, we talked about zones often and and, and I, we talked about the fear zone versus the growth zone. Yeah. And and there's a lot of, there's a lot of opportunity there. But what have you seen and what would you say are some of the remedies? So we could take a look at is we're trying to uh make those changes to to keep those changes going and and to create maybe something even better. Does that make sense? Yeah, I think it does, yeah, I think that some of the biggest challenges and it ranges right. I mean some of the biggest challenges some of my clients are facing frankly are fine employees. I mean that that's just one of their biggest challenges. Um the other part of it is helping their, their employees adapt to the new environment and that can be in terms of new skills that they need, but also the support that they need because it it kind of relates to what we were just talking about, right?

The well worn path, that path was taken away. So now what kind of familiarity, what kind of support can we give people as they are trying something new and adult learning, they talk about, there's this um it's a balance between challenge and support. So if you have too much challenge, the person becomes overwhelmed, overwhelmed and they shut down. If there's too much support, there's no need to change. So as a manager, as a leader, our job is then how do we manage that? How do we give enough support so that there, so that they're equipped to take on the challenge and that they will take on the challenge without getting overwhelmed. So some of the things that um, some of my managers have done is, you know, now they're able to go back to work a little bit, but not all of them and some of choosing not to write. So they did things like virtual coffees, you know, one on one with their team members. Hey, let's just because that's what they would do if they were in the office, right, They sit down, they have a cup of coffee. So they were very, very intentional around how can I provide them with more support, you know, so that they feel that comfort and stepping out there.

Um, and then just being patient as they're going through the learning cycle, these are, some people are having to make really big changes and change doesn't happen overnight. And with that it's, I think it's uh something for all the time, but especially right now thinking about as a manager, am I setting them up for success or failure? So if someone's trying to learn something new, the typical thing that we see is they do it once everybody celebrates because we get excited and then we move on to the next thing, we should celebrate it, but we need to help them stay with it until it becomes a habit, Right, of the time they're doing it before we move on to the next thing, I don't know who said it was a quote I heard years ago, but they said the amateur practices until they get it right, the master practices until they cannot get it wrong. And that's what we want to help people get to write. Not, not that they're never going to make a mistake, but if someone in a coaching a situation, if they're demonstrating the skills 75-80% of the time, that's fabulous, then we can move to the next thing.

Otherwise we're setting them up for frustration and failure and as their manager, what's going to happen? We're going to have to have the same conversation over and over and over again and we're gonna get frustrated because we have to, when in fact we're kind of setting them up for that. So I don't know if that helps mark. No, no, it does. And I'm uh, I'm a leader II lead a sales team and uh, I'm telling you if you've ever seen that movie Groundhog Day, I swear that's what my life has been like the last three months, there's same thing over and over again with the same result. And so I need to change things up a little bit as later. Yeah. Really? Think about how you can break them down in the tiniest of steps for people to right now because they're in that overload overwhelmed mode. So the tiniest of steps, well is typically beneficial to I like that and I think that's really if you take it down to each of us as individuals and in our personal dreams and growth that we want to have.

If we look at the big picture, Yeah, we're overwhelmed. Mhm. But if we can break, break that down into those tiniest of steps, you know, we talked about pass a lot, we've talked about the different paths of life that we're on and I'm interested in learning a little bit. What brought you to this path of being a coach and and helping in the way that you're helping others. Yeah, well a little bit was my mom, right? The second person though that I referenced earlier, his name was mr Jordan and he was the person that introduced me to how life changing coaching can be because I still had speech problems and I was in the eighth grade and as you can imagine, I hated speaking in public, I hate, oh gosh, I remember those days in school when you have to read a paragraph, I was counting like, the people ahead and then there'll always be some overachiever who would read two paragraphs and I was messed it up.

So I hated those things says in the eighth grade and like, you know what I need to, I need to challenge myself. So I took a speech class, I signed up for a speech class in high school. Mr Jordan was my teacher as luck would have it. He was also the speech and debate coach and we had a really good speech and debate team in my in my school, by this time we were in Missouri and I gave my first speech and I'm not being hard on myself, it was a train wreck, I mean it was terrible, it was just it was awful, but after class, Mr Jordan said to me like bobby, can you stick around for a minute? I thought is it that bad that he's gonna help me to leave? You know? But I thought that was a real possibility. I probably deserved it, but instead he's like bobby, would you consider joining the speech and debate team? I remember just looking at him and I said, were you in the room for that? Because that was bad? And he said, yeah, it wasn't very good, but he said, I think you have potential, and he said, I think if we work together, he said I will put all the effort in if you put the same amount of effort in.

He said you could be successful at this And he coached me for the next three years and I started to win tournament tonight, and I remember this too when I when I finally gave in and said yes, I'll be part of the team, um he said, okay, what's your goal, and I said, well I just I want to, I want to speak, you know, well enough that people don't make fun of me. And he's like, that's your big goal. And I said, yes, that is my big goal. And he said, okay, he goes, well, we'll work from that. He was, but just so, you know, he said, I think you could aim higher and after a few months I started going to tournaments and I was starting, I wasn't winning yet, I was winning, you know, rounds, but I went back and I said, do you think I could actually be competitive and win at this? And he said, I absolutely do. And he said that's what I've been waiting for and that to me was this is what coaching does for someone, You know, we worked from their goals, we help them achieve what's important to them and it's just it just stuck. I mean, I just I fell in love with it no matter what I've done in my career and I've done a lot of different things.

Training and coaching has always been really central for me because that's what it's about helping people go from whatever their performances but to their potential because there's a big difference between those two things. What a trail angel. Yeah, wasn't he really and you know, your mom, she believed in you. Mhm. But so did mr Jordan, Oh my goodness, yes. And you know, telling you, you have more potential. Yeah, and which I think would then make you think inside really do I really have potential and you kind of rethinking what you think is possible because someone else believes in you again. Yeah. And what powerful people that have not only influenced your life, but countless others as you have gone through your career and helped shape and help others reach their potential by believing in them and helping them.

Yeah, it's like every time I get to do that, so thank you to them, Sorry Mark, it's just going to say, you know what I love about that Mr Jordan story is that I was thinking about that analogy that we started with about the pantry and I guarantee you that your pantry looked much different than some of the other students pantries. Uh and and Mr Jordan was able to recognize that there were different ingredients in your pantry maybe, than there was with some of the other students there. And not only did he recognize that it wasn't a cookie cutter type of a method where he was looking for one particular type of a person, he was able to find those ingredients and mold you into something that became very beautiful. Yeah. And he also helped me recognize the pantry wasn't empty because I kind of thought it was and he's like no, he's like there's things we need to work on, but he's like you've got so many even said the phrase you have so many raw ingredients and thank you mark for bringing that up because that's the first time I made that connection.

He said that to me, you've got so many raw ingredients. So you had so many raw ingredients and I believe it's because of the challenges you had. I think so too. And that you had, well, you could have given up, you could, your mom could have said, oh, this speech pathologist is correct. We're just going to accept it and you'd still be on the fire doing not really doing the things that you're doing and coaching because you wouldn't have put in the effort. No, it took to be able to say the word milk. That's right. And that's what gave you those raw ingredients. Yeah. And how has that? That became one of my core stories, right? I mean I faced big medical issues. We had, we had the fire that came through you guys last October write it 198,000 acres around us burned. It was an emergency evacuation. And it was, it was kind of terrifying.

And uh that night when we went to bed we thought our house is probably gone. It wasn't thank goodness 28 28 of our neighbors lost their homes. I mean, it's incredible. My last, I was having trouble getting to sleep. And then it occurred to me it's like, okay, so you're saying that this is the challenge, This is gonna be the challenge that you can't overcome. And I thought you know it compared to everything else I've tackled in my life from such a young age, I'll find my way through this too. And that was the thought that gave me peace and I went to sleep. So Annette to your point, it just becomes who you are and that's what I love. It's changing somehow. It's it's being able to change our mindset. It's being able to reflect about those challenges that we've had throughout our lives that have helped refine us, help strengthen us, helped us to become who we are. So when that next challenge, not if but when it comes we have something to look upon.

We have that to give us that hope and that strength. And that's what trail angels and carrying the load is all about is being able to provide that hope someone else that they can maybe even grab a hold of those coat strings and say if you did it. That's right. I think that I can to mm and and bobby you have shared you know these incredible stories with your mother and mr Jordan and I'm sure there are countless others that have also been trail angels in your life. But thank you for being a trail angel Uh you for I know that you know you know those 3000 people that you've coached but you don't know The 9000 that you really have blessed because you don't know what Those, you know the actions of the 3000 the things that they learned who, they became. how it became that that they became an angel for someone else.

Yeah. And that's what, that's what keeps me going now. You're gonna make me cry. But it's so true. It's a, you know, it's kind of like the old commercial remember the she told two friends and she told two friends and so on and so on and life is kind of like that we we don't know what kind of impact we make. Uh It's it's it's so strong. So so bobby. We always give our guests the last word. Uh you know, is there anything that you would like to share with regards to hope with regards to really anything that you feel would be beneficial to our listeners? Uh I think it goes to part of my fundamental truths right that the future can be changed. Uh I have, I mean at one point this was in 2003 I suffered a massive collapse. I've had doctors tell me that I was lucky to be alive. I had one doctor tell me You have a 3% chance of a full recovery. I mean unbelievable.

And and it just goes to that wasn't That meant I had a chance that just meant I had to find out what those other 3% of people did experience that recovery. So, but again those were trail angels. Right? So I just believe that no matter where we are, there is a way forward. And if that's to reach out to somebody, if it's to listen to podcast, if it's whatever that is. But there is a way forward and there is almost certainly someone who's been there before you find that person and learn from them and take hope and inspiration from them. That's what I'd say. Oh, that's that's valuable, valuable information. And listeners, I know that if as you've listened, you're probably wondering how can I read more about bobby? One of the things that we would do and put it in our notes here as well. But we would direct you to uh bobby Caylor, it's B O B B I K A H L E R dot com, bobby Caylor dot com. And there you're going to be able to to find you know what she's written book wise as as well as coaching opportunities that that are available to those that are looking to take this to the next step.

So bobby, thank you so much for joining us today. We we hope that uh that our that our listeners and we know that our listeners have taken some great notes and some great information away from your wisdom and uh you're talking about you know, the ingredients of life and and I love that. I love that analogy there because you know sometimes we look at that cookie cutter approach and we think that you have to have this and you have to have this, you have to have this in order to be successful. But all of our pantries have different ingredients that allow us to be successful at everything and anything we want to do or to become. So thank you, We appreciate that every one of us have a story to share. Author Burn A brown reminds us that owning our story is the bravest thing that will ever do. The stories and experiences that our guests share inspire us as well as to help us to grow and connect with others. We encourage you to become a part of the care and the load community through social media as well as to share this site with those, you know, we are stronger together.

Keep Karen.

The Ingredients Of Life - How You Know When You're Ready For Something More
The Ingredients Of Life - How You Know When You're Ready For Something More
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