Disabled Girls Who Lift

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E44: Science, Sickness, & Strength with Ashley

February 22nd 2021
On this episode, Marcia dives deeper with previous podcast guest Ashley to discuss powerlifting, school, exercise science, workplace discrimination, parenting woes, and hiking adventures. Listen along... More
this is disabled girls who lift. We are reclaiming what's rightfully ours one podcast at a time, it's mary Beth Chloe and Marcia bringing you the thoughts and unpopular topics to get you out of that a bliss comfort zone. Mhm. Hey folks, welcome to yet another episode of disabled girls who lift. We're still disabled and we're still lifting. It's just Marcia today. So we miss mary Beth we miss Chloe, but Marcy's on here from south florida and a special guest from our previous panel of spoon episodes. MS Ashley Parker, how's it going? So she's back if you didn't listen to those episodes and also she deserves her own shine. Right? Let's talk about who is she? Ashley is from Tacoma Washington power lifter with some rarest fucked diseases. Um A kinesiology major, a mom, a hiker, a full time worker, she's all over the place. She's got a lot of things going on. So it's interesting because at the time of this recording at least there's something trending on twitter.

Mhm. It's this hashtag hashtag disability has no age requirement and I feel like your current vibe of things that you've been talking about on your social media and to us is um definitely on that wavelength. Yeah, I need to check that hashtag out actually, I haven't heard about it yet, but I definitely identify with it. So it's like if your nana and you're talking about pain, they're like, okay nana. You know, you're cute and old and you're like, I need accommodations. They're like, okay sweetheart, way to go. But you're in your 20's and 30s and they're like bit you should be able to work. Yeah like oh you power lift. Well you shouldn't have a problem doing what we're doing. And it's like well I power lift under like when I feel like it so if I don't feel like lifting I'm not going to lift but if I have to go to work and I tell them I can't go to work therapy like well did you go to the gym? Did you power lift everyone? No like I don't understand why that's relevant.

I'm telling you that I can't work under the conditions that you put me under because you assume that I can do what everybody else can and I can't do it. I actually uh got into an argument with my supervisor on friday so it'll be fun to go into work tomorrow when she writes my ass up. So was that something every week since you've been? Well number one where do you work? I work at ups. Um Once covid shut the gyms down, it kind of just carried over into my coaching business. So I've been coaching down in my basement. I have a gym down there but it's ups apparently has the best medical ever. And um it's not you're not eligible until nine months after employment. But all I've heard is just how amazing the benefits are and they pay for all the specialists and I'm really trying to get down to that vascular clinic um and the mayo clinic down in Arizona. So that's why I'm kind of enduring this crap.

Uh Yeah, It's been about four months. But um, the people that are in charge there have no training on how to deal with people like us. I mean we are kind of a rare breed, but I think a lot of us don't really speak out because you know, fear of rejection, fear of being called crazy. Obviously the person looked at me and she wanted to what my ask because she took what I said personally of course, Which was I'm in pain. I need to go. And then she left under a mask and shook her head. And I'm like, this isn't a joke. Like I'm getting chest pain and I'm not going to over exert myself because you can't do your job. And she took it personally and started side I and me, mm hmm. Just like not not really listening. So I'm just like, all right. I guess I'll just hang in there. I don't know any option. You know what I mean? Um I'm very vocal about it because that's the only way that you'll be hurt is just being viewed as crazy, annoying repetitive from people who don't understand.

But as somebody who's trying to get their message across, I don't really give a crap about what they say. Like I'm going to still run my mouth every day about how I feel. No. And you should be able to feel safe to do that. And it's like a lot of people from the outside of these kind of situations whether we're talking about disability discrimination or gender or whatever right? They're just like oh why don't you just reported to H. R. Who runs H. R. Is the same kind of fucking people? Yeah. I'm definitely going, Karen, let me speak to your manager, let me speak to your boss. Who do I need to talk to to get something done around here because who do I need to write a letter to? You know like for real like up the whole chain. Like it's talking to somebody within the office when the office has a culture problem isn't solving any problems. I hate when people say that. Did you report it? Yeah. I think the worst thing about it is when I first applied, they said they wanted 25% of their workforce to be disabled so they welcomed. So I'm like all right sweet.

And I think we had talked about when I was able to move departments because I was starting to you know feel like crap. I was over exerting myself and they had no problem moving me and I was assuming that it would be a good place and you just have a bunch of uneducated, Underqualified people in positions of power. Uh That's where we have a problem and folks are. So what is the day by day? This is like a weekly thing where she's scoffing and laughing at you. Oh, it's a daily thing where they have somebody a night briefly. I've asked questions for months and I finally got an answer. They have somebody Forecasting up there how much work one person can do. I don't know where they get their numbers from, but for some reason every person is.8 people and Every.8 person should be able to handle 100 packages an hour. Sounds like some amazon ship. It's, and I used to work at amazon.

It's very close to amazon but were covered by the union and the pay as well. And I mean if I weren't covered by the union, I probably would have got my ask fired for how much I run my mouth, but I don't care. Like I have the union backing me. So I'm just, you know, every day. And it's funny because you know, you get to a point where you're so well spoken about this and you're using language that they can't even comprehend. So they don't even know what to say to you. They just kind of stand there and like look at you, this is going nowhere like you're disabled. Yeah. I mean, do you want me to, what do you want me to do? You want me to just bring my paperwork with me. I don't understand what you want me to prove to you. Like, who are you that I need to prove myself. Yeah. And honestly it shouldn't even be, it should be so simple, right? Like okay. I applied, I disclosed it to the person who hired me and that's it. Like nobody else should have to follow up. Nobody else should need any convincing. Like I got hired with this information like ready to go.

This is what I need period end. Yeah. And I think the problem is, is when I try and when you try to talk to somebody who is professional and has emotional intelligence, um, they would respond differently. And so when somebody laughs because they don't understand that I am in legit pain and I'm sorry that I'm so fucking used to it that I'm not like on the ground crying. I could be, but I'm not so listen to me when I tell you that I feel like my lungs are about to collapse and I need to leave right now. So that should be the end of it. But apparently, you know, since I'm a good looking snack, they don't believe me. Mm too cute. That's why you have to be like struggling and squeaking by and just looking like hungry and tired and thirsty. Oh yeah, she's definitely disabled. Then like, yeah, there's a few times where I'm like sitting there and my, you know, I'm hunched over and I'm just, you know, I'm obviously struggling to breathe and they look at me.

Are you okay? Like no, I'm not okay? Like, I've been telling you all this, I'm not okay. So now that you see what's happening, like, I want you to take a mental note of help me prevent this from happening. Like, that's your job. It's not that hard. It's not just do your job. Exactly. It's not hard. It's not hard. So on, on monday, I'll probably go into a write up, which is, I'll fight that tooth and nail and just lose my mind. So we'll see how that goes. Yeah. And is this new for you or this the standard when it comes to workplaces? Um, I actually was diagnosed About what, 2015, 16. Um, so the job that I was at, I was starting to get sick, but I didn't have my diagnosis. So they kind of thought that I was just trying to not be at work, like, yeah, I'm not trying to pay my mortgage, no big deal, whatever. But when I got my diagnosis, they were giving me minimum um, accommodations and basically, I was what I call box bitch.

Um, I basically sat in a corner and taped up boxes until I just walked out one day. Um and like I said, that was 2,015 and I hadn't worked for a corporation, um until now to end of 2020. I've been, yeah, I've been doing coaching. I've been doing random side jobs and that's been working for me, But because of the rising costs of medical and the fact that my old insurance denied all of my hospital claims, I have all this medical debt and I need medical insurance because my condition is worsening and once I got into ups like I knew how it was going to be because warehouses are warehouses, you know, they don't, they only give a sh it about production um and so I knew how it was gonna be, but it's part time so I figured I'm not going to spend all day there, it's not gonna be as bad. No, you saw it. But yeah, I know right? Just kidding. It's amazing though because people don't like it's either you struggle at a job and people think you're lazy or you stay at home and work like 10 side gigs and whatever and people still think you're lazy because so you suck at the job, you're lazy.

you're trying to find some other way around it and they're just like why don't you just get a job like you guys aren't getting it. Yeah, it's really, it's really hard because a lot of the a lot of the jobs expect so much out of you like open weekends be available for this, be available for that and that's why I'm in school but I'm caught in a crossroad where I can't go back to gyms, I just don't trust that's going to be like good income for me steady income and so when I'm now that I'm pursuing this degree, I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do with it. So now I'm kind of at that crossroad where I'm at school, but I don't know how much schooling it's gonna take for me to do what I want to do and I don't even know what I want to do exist, What do you want to do? I mean pandemic considering, right, yeah, I basically want to advocate for disabled athletes um and I want to so I've been listening to a lot of mark Rippetoe and he stresses that there's not a lot of um peer review and a lot of research done on strength training athletes.

A lot of the stuff that we get is from um aerobic Vo two Max, stuff like that. And so I really want to kind of push barbell training towards all populations and kind of break that stigma of like bulking up and having it be too difficult, you know, I'm going to machines, like I wish I just kind of want to help disabled athletes feel that they're being heard and I want them to understand that there is programming for them and there's coaches that know what they're going through and can program around all the crap that we go through, you know, nothing is worse than having to do a triple squat at 95% of your one rep max and then your coach, you know, kind of giving you should about not being able to do it, but you know that you can't Yeah, you know what I mean, like, like I'm flaring up, can you change it up? And they don't understand what a flare is, so they don't know how to make changes and so I just want to like really get into research with disabled strength athletes, that sounds good to me.

Yeah, mary Beth was, that was actually one of her questions she asks and she can't make it on is how does it go with coaching in your experience? Because I'm pretty sure that she said she was pretty sure that they just tell you to stop being a bit or just get some Advil and oh you'll be fine or no pain, no gain. So the power lifting community right now is really weird and really off putting um mostly because it's all driven by strength and not knowledge and when you're at that point where you have the knowledge to get strong, but your body isn't capable of doing that, maybe, you know what I mean? Like when I, when I talked to you the other day about this guy who, you know, he was posting what can I do to grow my hamstrings and what can I do to grow my laps and I told him and he told my, he told me that my answer was to text book, it wasn't relevant in the application of in the real world and I was like, well, I mean I a Romanian dead lift is a Romanian dead lift, you know what I mean?

Like if you're not doing a textbook hip and cool, I guess I don't, I don't know what he's a big dude on steroids and then after I had talked to him, he posted all these big dudes on steroids lifting horribly, but they're huge, yep, they left a lot, they must know a lot. Exactly. And this guy's wondering, yeah, no, this guy is wondering why am I not recovering? And I told him your workouts too intense and he said, well it's actually not too intense, it's just my body, I'm like all right dude, whatever, like it's okay, It's just, it's, it's, you have a lot to prove. And then when you start getting in the process of proving yourself and you get injured because your ego gets in the way or you want to prove those people on instagram wrong or you know, even just like friends and family members, you want to prove people wrong and you get just kind of too far into Exactly, and it's not, it's not bad to pull back. Like it really is that you don't have to do, like like I like top sets, I don't like to do Like five sets of something, you know what I mean, like top sets work for me and that's what works.

I found what works for me and I think what I know can work for other disabled athletes and so that's what I'm trying to push a little bit just now. I have to have a piece of paper. You know what I mean? I can't just fucking your clinic. It's hard. I definitely think the research is horribly lacking. I mean, okay, in terms of like bro science, everybody thinks they're an expert, right? But then in terms of actual science, like nobody's even talking about this ship, like, you know how many doctors just tell you to try yoga and swim. You know, they tell you that we all know when you're weightlifting is probably too intense. Like as if we don't know how to decide how much weight lifting is good or bad for us, right? Like that's like that's something you should probably shouldn't weight lift. You should just stretch and swim like well like on on all ends of it is not being researcher looked into or studied enough and there's just so many layers of it.

There's just so many layers there on top of that we have uteruses, so that's not helping either. Oh my gosh, Apparently they don't exist apparently do they just like the pain and I think it was some sort of uh when the veins get inflate or they get bigger after pregnancy and then they don't go down. Uh it's really painful periods and just like really painful pelvic pain, there's a name for it and I don't remember what it was, but some doctors think it exists and some don't uh because there's no proof. And I'm just like, can't anecdotal evidence is proof, but here's the thing, right? Like, so we were, you know, I went to school, you're in school, you understand research and like the value of evidence based, blah, blah, blah, right? But at the same time, you have to understand like the giant perspective is nobody's researching things for fun. Like these people, somebody's paying you for it.

Like nobody just wakes up and says I care about the good of all people. Let me research this and it goes well. Like no, somebody has to pay for it. So like if nobody cares about folks like us getting it in at the gym, there's not going to be any research for it. Honestly, truly. So when stuff like that comes up and people are like, well, what does the literature say? Nobody in the literature gives a fuck. That's what it says. Yeah, I know. I'm supposed I'm about to finish my associates. Um I'm on my last quarter and um I'm going to transfer to peel you in the fall, which kinesiology is one of the most popular programs there. Um They also have, I think the sports psychologist that worked with the women's olympic swim team. Um And so they have a lot of qualified individuals. I've just, like you said, not a lot of people want to fund this type of research and I'm going into school with that in the back of my head, like, I want to do all this research, but where the hell am I going to find the money?

Yeah. And I think with the popularity of powerlifting and crossfit and all these training facilities popping up, I think maybe we have a better chance now than we did like five years ago, definitely at this point. And also the fact that disabled folks are like now out in the open, like we've got the internet everywhere, you know, there's no way you can't escape it, even though day to day, like in your regular life, you might never see someone in a wheelchair, you might never meet someone with an invisible illness, whatever, whatever, whatever, blah, blah blah. But at the end of the day, like crossfit now has an adaptive division, right? Like stuff is happening, people are this thing. So somebody's going to want to fund something somewhere, even if it's, you know, one of those things where you have to work at a university that has some certain kind of program, you know? Yeah, and I think now that people are being more vocal about it maybe, and everybody wants to be inclusive, all the establishments, all the schools, everything wants to be inclusive to everybody.

And I think that is another driving force behind me being able to get funding for research for disabled athletes, and especially maybe for transgender athletes as well because there's a whole mess going on right there too, you know? And there's not. Yeah, so it's like, I think a lot of the research done on that is biased. And so I mean um were you deep in the internet when when hashtag med bikini was a thing? Like that's a perfect example of how research can be bullshit. Like literally. Oh man, it was a great one. So it was like a bunch of dude bro's um I forgot what school it was, but they stopped people on instagram and made like a qualitative study on like, oh people are unprofessional women are in bikinis, people posting pictures with their beer bottles and how that affects like professionalism and I forgot what their Endgame was, it was on that. Um but besides the fact that it was an incredibly sexist and stupid paper that was published in a peer reviewed journal.

Oh my God, After the fact once everybody's piste off, they realized they didn't even have consent to do these things. Oh my gosh, so this up. Oh yeah, it was great. It was a great time on the internet. So like it goes to show you like sometimes this like the people that fund and provide and get published. Mhm. Like it doesn't mean ship, Like it doesn't always mean shit. So you telling me like what I wanted, what I want to do or what I want to look into isn't worth it, like you're not worth it. Yes, the hell are you know, I've been listening to a lot of audibles at work just so I don't lose my ship and um again, I was listening to um the starting strength programming, um but Mark Bledsoe and he just, like I said, he was just making remarks about just kind of going on tangents of how, you know, well training facilities and gyms and box gyms are only in it for memberships and that's what a lot of people have access to.

They've never even been in a training facility and they're being handled by people who just want their money and I mean at the end of the day, they don't care if you come to the gym or not because they roped you into a membership and like fees and contracts and stuff, so, and you know, he he's very knowledgeable and I think he's um I think he's like a guru to me, I have all of his books and I, he kind of amps me up on wanting to do research um because you know, like I said, there's a lot of things, he says that I've heard on the, you know, opposite in school, right? And you know, I had one of my instructors tell me that they saw the maneuver was bad and she looked right atmosphere being the eyes and I'm just like, I mean if you have hypertension or something sure know, what do you mean bad, bad front runner, she's a runner and a cross fitter. And just to tell an entire classroom and stare me right in the eye that the Al Sabah maneuvers bad, I'm just like, you know what you're doing, I see what you're doing, I'm gonna, I'm gonna give you this one like I'll be the bigger person, you know what I mean?

Like, I don't know. But yeah, like I said a lot of this stuff that I'm learning, I don't agree with, you know, we do a CSM and um, like a lot of the rep ranges and everything like that. I'm just like, I would put an answer down and you'd be wrong because it wouldn't be the textbook answer. It wouldn't be what they said is exactly. And I'm like, but this is the right answer, you know? But whatever, I know that's not the same people that do the CFCs, are they? No, I believe that's and maybe like and see something that never mind. Yeah, no it is. And I remember when I was listening to the audible that he actually um stopped participating with that organization that does the CS es and I wanted to figure out why. Yeah, I'd like to know what's going on there because I, I see that for most of my classmates added at a p T school and they're like, dude bro's and we're like, yeah science and yeah, lifting. They all got their CS, CS like off rip boom boom. Um and first of all I'm like, why?

But then, you know, I look it up and then they also have something else. They call like special populations. So I'm curious to know what they think they're teaching about special pup. So I know I actually, I'm glad you brought that up because I took a special populations class for my degree and a lot of it was seniors, seniors, kids, pregnant women in between uh, you and your child with a disability or an old lady. Yeah. And like the rep ranges for pregnant women stay like 40-50%. I'm like, what the hell? What's that going to do? You know what I mean? Like, I don't know. It's writing this crap. I just got an A in the class. I did what I needed to do. It's just the cookie cutter bull crap that I'm doing right now. So yeah, no, this doesn't make any sense. Uh How long have you actually been a power lifter? So school is new, but its power lifting now I used, so I, when I used to be a runner and then I started power lifting in 2015 around the time you got diagnosed?

Yes. So I realized that there was a correlation between heavy lifting and my flares and power lifting could have caused us to surface. I'm not sure. I just know that I have been feeling, having these really awkward symptoms like, you know, the going blind and the chest pains and the swelling and all these rashes. And um, when I was running I would tear muscles a lot. Like I tore my calf um, multiple times. And um, so I didn't understand why I was, and so I was just like, you know, I don't want to be a runner, I want to do something competitive. Power lifting, let's do it. Googled it, signed up for my first meet, brought it to my trainer at the time. He was like, what the hell? Where'd this come from? I'm like, whatever. Let me just do this. And the more I lifted, the more I realize that it didn't work well with my body, write the things that sounded good for everyone else did not work out. Yeah.

And I sometimes think that power lifting is the reason why I feel like ship, but powerlifting makes me feel good. So I keep doing it and I just need to start tweaking. So, like the further along I go, the more I realized what works and doesn't work for me. And I've gotten, I've had coaches, I've done West side method, I've done, What is it, the five x five, you know, all that type of crap. And then when I started doing following Mark's training regimen, like, you know, apply the stimulus that you want to adapt to. I want to adapt to one rep maxes. So let me just, you know, hammer out a few singles and be good not do all the accessory movements, you know what I mean? Like lunges and all that stuff after squats absolutely kill me. So I'll do that game lifts because I'm um training for a meet right now in May. So I have my main lifts and if I do accessories, they're very light because I'm not training my body to be adapted to lunches.

I think it's just a different way of training. That's really awkward because a lot of people do accessory movements after main lifts. Yeah, but they're also in mind that like, okay, I'm only going to be at the gym and this is the only place I have. So I think when your access to the gym gets flexible, you can also make that part more flexible. And then there's also people that just do accessories because you're supposed to and they don't know what they're trying to fix or improve like, yeah, personally, I think lunges are trash, I don't do lunch is trash for what, what is it helping me do? Like, you know, people do walking lunges, like, I don't know, maybe farmers carry, you know, because that will translate to the farmers carry event. But yeah, I'm starting to realize that I've also like if I want to do Bulgarian split squats. I'll do it as a warm up with no wait before my squats I don't actually do it with a lot of weight because that it takes a lot out of you. And I never realized that it was the accessories that I thought were actually easier on my body that were actually whooping my ass.

Yeah, that's that's the thing. People frame it like, like I can't kick your ass. Yeah. And for some reason, you know, I don't understand why you have to do multiple sets and reps of heavy weight to just completely tax your body and then come upstairs. You know, um, I come upstairs into my basement and like, you know, slam like 50 g of protein, 500 g of carbs would be good. You know what I mean? So it's like, I like I came upstairs, I'm in my sports bar right now. But I did my squats downstairs. I did like three single pauses and then three triples or three doubles and then now I'm good. You know what I mean? I'm not on my floor dying. But I feel like I did something, I don't know, it's definitely apparent to me and my training when I actually have a competition because then I have like the pressure of like this has to get done this week. I got to do this today. So next week I could do this and this and this and that's where you get overzealous and push too hard.

And then by the time I get to the competition, whether or not I do well, like I've stressed my body so hard that the day of the competition every time, every couple of the past couple clumps I get so sick. Like I had full blown bronchitis after the last one. That's how much I beat my body up that I had to go on a cocktail of drugs for a week and chill the funk out because that's like at the end of the day, it's stress, right? So anything too much stress and people are whole, don't lift weights, like not rich if I swam too much, it would be too much stress, right? It's like, it doesn't matter what the activity is. It's like the effect yeah, stress. And I'm going to keep referring to those dudes so much because he's such an awesome, like he has such awesome information, but he had mentioned what's the most dangerous sport? And I'm thinking soccer and I'm thinking no ship. Well there's a lot of people who injured the Hello themselves m cl a cl tears during soccer and running and all this.

And then with power lifting or lifting sports, you know, something might happen, but that's because you were too busy in your ego and not realizing your body was telling you that you needed to do, like take care of this injury that was about to, you know, erupt. So I think a lot of it, like a lot of power lifting and strength sports injuries come from ego, definitely, definitely. So we had an episode because it was physical therapy months, so that would have been october So we had one episode about that and I was like, those are like, there's different ones, right? Like there's the, you knew better injuries, like in the moment you were like, damn, maybe I should change my shoes and you like, fun, but I gotta keep going and then, you know, your foot slips and you into yourself, or it's like every time they should do squats, you're like, damn, I got that little ache in my knee, but you know what, I'm gonna get this done and then two months later, something happens like, you know better, like, so down that is totally true. I have a week left glute that I could see in my lifting videos and I'm like, no, you know, and the coaches that I had weren't maybe there, I wasn't trained to notice these things, they should be, if you're coaching an athlete, you should notice you, if their leg is coming in a little bit, if you know, if their knees are caving in, if their heels are coming up off the ground, you need to notice that and you need to address it and my issue never got addressed until I started getting that pain, I'm like, surprise, you know, and I would like roll it out and put my tiger balm on it and it would just keep creeping up and I was like, oh, I gotta deal with this.

So I took six months off of just heavy lifting and addressed issues that were underlying, you know? And now I'm ramping back up to um lift for this me and I'm noticing, you know, I'm not having the same problems. Uh, but because I don't have to heavyweight, nobody's nobody's going to listen to me, you know? So that's, it's kind of just in Washington, let me tell you, there was a lot of ego in this state, especially with the power lifters and I'm so over it because a lot of the big power lifters and by big, I mean, size wise, not like instagram popularity Years. No, no, not like popularity, but you know, they're big guys and they'll squat like 6, £700 and then they'll all get injured at the same time. Yeah, they're always come back. There's always a comeback, right? Like, it's like once a year, like the ambitions you get tired. Yeah. And they'll post on instagram and be like, you know, why am I having all this pain? And I'll go on there and be like, because the intensity is too high and you're not recovering, that's just what that is.

You're not addressing the issues because you're like, far into your ego And then I get called textbook like, Oh God, Alright, well, I'd rather be textbook than injured in 23. Yeah, I feel like it's even worse and strong men because you get you just keep going. You know you know like at least in an event or you're like maxing out power lifting right? Like you might grind forever and miss. I don't know you're dead lift right? But that's it. Maybe it'll be like I had it all rest and try again but you're gonna try it that one time and then you're gonna drop it because that's how the competition is. But like strongman, you're going to keep trying and pushing your body 250% for like 60 seconds because that's the competition. The competition is usually you have a minute to try to do this thing whatever the thing is. So not only are you there pushing yourself everybody that's with you understands this culture also and it's also pushing you. Everyone's just like no no you gotta you gotta and the worst thing is is that in those circumstances maybe half the time the person does end up lifting it so that you you want to push even harder.

Like you guys could do it. I think I could do it. I saw that one guy one time do it and like the whole world just always fucking going 1 50 like so you see little old me in the gym like log pressing and blacking out and people like no just try again, I just drop it and walk away. They're like fucking lost like does she know she was all minute, What is she doing? Yeah, I think um once the gym's closed I was able to not take everybody else's like Harada's, you know, it was just me and so when I wanted to stop my stop yeah, there was a Amrabat dead lift contest at my gym a couple years ago for a case of bang and I was like I'm gonna get me that keeps the bank and I waited till the last day to see what the numbers were and there was a gal who did 60 reps of 1 35 0. Yeah, so I took it and I did 60 64 And I immediately on my 60th rep, I tore my hamstring down at the insertion like uh huh And I and I felt it and I kept going and going and going and I was like got my case of bang and then the pain set in and I was like ship just for a case of bang and some glory.

Like I tore my hamstring, I'm not happy. So that what you described is literally us like a textbook strongman event though and wrap. I mean I love it because I have that I'm an endurance athlete. That's why I always grind through my lips and I can't just pop up like a daisy like some of these you know, type two muscle fiber having people like type one just like alright steady, she's going up. Just wait, just wait on her. Uh No, don't touch it. She's gonna I know everybody would touch the bar and I'm grinding like don't touch it, don't Touch them, come on, I'm coming. Just wait, just wait 1 2nd. Yeah. Now it's rough out here. It's rough and that is pure murder when you keep pushing a body that's already lost and doesn't know what the fund is doing that does not help. No, it does it. Oh man. I think that's why I had such bad form for so long because it was about getting the weight up, not getting up as efficiently as possible.

And so I had to basically break down my squad and build it back up again and redo my form because I was dealing with misinformed coaches just like, I don't want to say they were uneducated, but cause they're strong, they're strong people that didn't know how to deal with me as somebody who has a vascular disease, you know what I mean? Yeah, but there's still some standard things out there where and it sucks because I'd love to not have to think about what I'm doing. I'd love, I'd love I'd love it if I have the money or whatever. I'd love to just refer back to somebody like yo set me up because thinking about this one extra thing to think about, but I have not had a great experience, like whatsoever. The amount of volume that people put into some ship, I'm like, yo this isn't like the last time I had a coach, I literally took the program that he wrote and rearranged and I was like, I think this would work better. It's like I see that you have me doing back squats for this amount of reps followed by Zurcher squats.

And then the next day you want me to do push brushes where I need my legs, number one, the amount of back squat volume is enough for one workout. So here's what we should do. And once I got there I was like maybe would you tell would you tell them that or would you just kind of like you get your program and then you would oh no no no, I told him straight up, what does it say? Okay. Oh that was uh yeah, we could try that. Okay, what am I hiring you? Yeah. No no no no no. And the way that I also, I'm not a fan of the way that people put out the content that their coaching because that doesn't work for me either. Because you know, there's some people that give you week by week, I'm like I can't do that. Like I need to know the entire scope start to finish what I need to do so that when I can't do it, I can adjust. So you give me one week of programming and the update next week and then this week with ship and I'm just waiting like, okay, so what do I do? I catch up to a fall behind what like that didn't work for me either.

The way the timing works. I am personally am a weekly person. I mean it's because I coach myself and I do my own programming so I'll wake up and I'll be like, I need to get these lips done sometime throughout the week. I won't give myself like specific days to do things. I just know that I'll put like 48 hours in between my squat sessions and stuff like that. But right now it's squat bench dead lift like some somehow throughout the week. I know that's what I need to do, squat bench, dead lift, 90% of my one rep, that's it. Let's figure it out when I get there. It's I'm a procrastinator. So uh I mean it's not to say that um I'm not a procrastinator because of course I am, but it's just more of like, okay, if I know this week is supposed to be 75% and next week is a d load, you know, and I feel like ship this week, then I could like plan somewhat better. You'll do this instead or move this around. Yeah, that definitely makes sense.

If you have somebody else doing it for you, like that's what um my last coach, he would send me stuff that the day of like I would want them. Mhm. I've been waiting on my phone just like what's going I've seen people but you know, you're not the only I've seen people saying yeah I'm waiting for him to tell me like no but in the moment of you working out or the day you're going to work out the day like I'll get to the gym and it won't be on there and I was like what's going on? Like well I was going to program tomorrow and I'm like but I start today like I told you this oh no that's not good. I like their workout too. Like they have like a conditional thing like oh if you hit this then this will happen and they'll be texting the coach like yeah so I hit this and this for reps and they're like waiting. I'm like are you gonna go can I use the rack? Ah yeah I'm just waiting for my coach wants me to do next. Oh my gosh, that's a thing, you know? Yeah I don't, the whole online and the internet coaching is is annoying. I couldn't I wouldn't I personally wouldn't be able to not have any contact with my coach physically, you know like I'll send you my videos, how do I know that it's you looking at it the angle and everything to changes everything.

Yeah it's just annoying that you have to set up the video and you got to like edit it. It's a pain in the ass. I also, I agree, I tried it out for a bit too because that's like, that's another bro culture thing. Like your physical therapist, you lift so low, why not teach strength coaching there? I don't mind hanging out with you in person and be like, yo this is this, do that, try this but that back and forth online. Let me look at your videos. No, no, no. Let me tell you how to do the angles. No, no, no, no. But this is what actually what I meant when I wrote like, oh God, it's not actually working on lifting. It's all the little different components that have nothing to do with you actually lifting. I don't powered, I'm going to say power to the people that are doing it. But well everybody else that we just complained about now, I don't know exactly because there are people that are great at it. I don't know if there's just a certain way your brain has to like process things, but for me it was just like, nah hmm I like definitely the one on one, tell me what I'm doing in real time instead of me waiting for a response and then you don't want to type everything out.

I, I love doing it in person. I have my people come and I, you know, can analyze their form and I tell them what to do and they do it and then that's it, you know, it's not waiting to for a reply, you know, or anything like that. And then plus looking at their face like if I'm telling you something and you think it's bs I'm going to be able to tell on your face or if you're not going to do what I'm telling you to do, I can tell on your face. But exactly. I think the whole nonverbal communication is powerful but it's not, you don't have that ability to have that online. I think that's where a lot of the communication breakdowns come through definitely. And I feel like the people that are doing well have probably mastered that part because there are spoon ease out there. Sharafi has a coach and she's she's always doing great, you know like she's she has high praises about the way her stuff goes. So there's people out there you and far between it seems. But so maybe that's the part that they've mastered is the communication because to me it just doesn't like, I mean you write a program and you're doing something at eight a.m. Maybe you're sleeping but your person is doing the program at eight AM texting you like, oh sh it, this isn't working like that.

Yeah. Or you know if something is programmed and they don't do it and then you're not there to hear it. And then they tell you three days later, oh by the way I didn't do this, why didn't you tell me like I'm your damn coach? You gotta tell me this stuff. I program it for you. You don't do it. You gotta tell me it's rough. So more priority people out there doing it right. I definitely think it's a skill and it's a skill that I don't have. Yeah, definitely. When I went got into this um program, the kinesiology program, I wanted to get into sports medicine and get in athletic training. Um but I can't, because the athletic training programs are in eastern Washington, which is like four hours away or I could seriously, you know, and so I kind of settled for, I don't want exercise science, I don't like that word. I like kinesiology or biomechanics better. But I wanted to, I've always wanted to do strength coaching of some sort, but it's such a more niche market and it's so infiltrated by all of these instagram coaches, you know, DME for programs DME for this DM me for that and then you get a program and you know, I I think a lot of the things that these people program work because obviously if the person hasn't done what the coaches asking they're going to have gains.

Yeah, there was one guy who said hamstring bias, stiff leg dead lifts and I'm like, what the hell does that even mean? He was like, you know, do stuff like do hamstring bias and then there's upper back are no low back bias? Um I mean it's really likes different. I don't owe going on what you mean. I think it's funny though when you see um like an exercise just like proliferated on your feet right? Like like all the coaches like when Copenhagen whatever's came about like everybody was doing the Copenhagen planks. Yeah everybody's you know like you can tell when there's something whoever starts it. Everybody else is like oh they're doing it, I'm doing it. Yeah that's what's going on at um the gym I basically disconnected from if nobody people will wear the notorious lift shoes for like six months and then people will do their lifters for six months and then people go beltless all at the same time like cohesively as a unit when they all have different priorities.

And I'm like we are one body, we make one lift and then it's funny because they all get injured at the same time and I'm just like you're surprised why. Yeah there's this one gal at my old gym and she actually does have a condition that causes her uh the head to be enlarged. I'm not sure what it's called. I think it was a shock of what does she have a shunt what's that? Uh Well you're saying had to be large so it's either like your actual skull is too big like microcephaly or you have water in your skull. Hydrocephalus. Yes hydrocephalus so they put literally like a little shut that pulls the extra water out and dumps it into your abdominal cavity. Yes. So she that you're right. So she does have that. And she is working with a trainer who big guy, 23 years old, squats, like £70 tiny tiny little femurs, you know, t rex arms has all like the good anatomy.

And she's being pushed to the point where she's, you know, she's 22, she's getting injured all the time. And she's posting videos of her taking aspirin and ibuprofen and bragging about it. I'm like, you're 22. You shouldn't be taking pain medication before a training session. There's a huge problem with that. Yeah. You know, Well, I can't I can't not train even though I strained my groin. I have a meet coming up and I'm just like, all right, whatever. You know, what do I know? What do I know? I'm not a big 22 year old, £700 squat and dude, So, yeah, that gets really old and it's tough because she might not know better, right? Like, that's like, you get into this and that's what you find like that is the culture. So you say this is how it must be. Yeah, I remember somebody out of it. Yeah, that's exactly. I remember her coming into the gym and very looking, very timid and I'm like, oh, this girl looks cute, like super, just like, I've watched her grow in strength and it's been awesome to see her gains and she's so excited about it, but at the same time she's surrounded by ego training.

Yeah, and she has so much potential and it's, I don't know, it's that's why I don't go to the gym anymore, to be honest. Like I just, it was one of them for your mental health. That doesn't sound like a good vibe. No, So we're going to take a quick pause real quick for a word from our sponsors. All right, we're back. So, as we were saying, powerlifting culture is a bit much um uh I'm curious though, like, what does your daughter think if she in this, she have any skin in this game at all? Is she doing her own thing? My daughter is her own entity. Um She is, she's so funny, So she just heard 11 and she is all legs and arms in the tiniest little torso and I have been really trying to get her into sports or just something that can help her become discipline and get her self confidence and every time I try and bring her down to the gym, she's just not really into it.

And I'm kind of bummed and I really wish you would pursue this, but at the same time, she, it's just not her thing, she writes, she's just not interested. She's in like gaming and anime and horse riding. Um she's been riding horses since she was two, um which is good for her. It does pour in a discipline because she loves doing farm chores and like she has no problem going outside picking up poop, no problem, but getting this kid to take a shower is like pulling teeth. So, um, she, it's funny, she has an instagram now and so she likes all my photos and we'll be looking at my videos and I think that's really good for her to see. Um and I'm also always walking around in like my sports bras and all that stuff, you know, just showing her that you don't, you know, if your body doesn't look the way it like society things who gives a sh it, you know, be comfortable, walk around, do whatever the hell you want, just be happy with yourself.

Um, but dan, I really wish you would get in power lifting, that would be nice. I try, I bring her down there and I'll have her do squats and I talk to her about form and sitting up straight and like not eating a ton of sugar and stuff like that. Um, but I, I don't want to be one of those parents that forces their kids to do something they don't want to do. I definitely see moms out there, like bringing their kids to compete in powerlifting meets more, there was a few kids at my old gym that we're competing and their parents would be feeding them energy drinks okay and you know what I mean? And my daughter became friends with a lot of those kids, but she she just doesn't want to do it. I don't know if it's the culture that she was presented to because she was going to the gym with me a lot and she did see a lot of it and it may be, it's like she just doesn't seem interested, you know?

Yeah, who knows? Maybe it should be like me when I was a kid, my mom tried to get me the garden should bring me outside, like look at this plant, and I'd be like, I'm gonna go back inside and now I'm like applying to some fucking gardening program, so I got one, right? So who knows? She'll come, maybe she'll come around. It could just be one of those mom wants me to do this, so I don't want to things Yeah, and I definitely, like, I know I got into power lifting and strength training because my mom wasn't there to give me self confidence and to guide me and I feel like this gives me a sense of purpose, like, you know, things get hard, like, you know, I have a £300 barbell that I need to squat and my brain is telling me, but you don't do this, you're gonna get killed, you can't do this and then I'm like, shut up, shut the hell up, you know what I mean? Like you're not in control of me and then I do it and I came a little bit of self confidence each and every time and I learned how to work through problems, you know, like getting this, like I said, getting this glute to match up in strength.

My right glutes been a pain in the ass, but I've learned so much and I've learned how to be patient and the patient's also carries into my parenting. So it's done a lot of good and bad for me and hopefully, um you know, I talked to my daughter about Girl Scouts. Mhm. She's kind of into that. Like I did Girl Scouts when I was younger. Um but she's so young. It's just hard to have her find her her purpose at such a young age. You know what I mean? Like I just wanted to have fun and do what she does best annoy the hell out of me and the patients. Yeah, sounds about right. I'm with you on that there though because that that is really true. So you get so caught up in your negative self talk like damn, you suck. Like you can't do this like damn, you're weak or like whatever, whatever. And then you do, you move some weight and you're like, all right, okay. Maybe I suck sometimes, but right now I don't, this is good. Yeah. And it sucks because a lot of people just think that they're entitled to tell you your business and I'm so, especially like online as a power lifting coach, you have to post your videos online, that's just how this works right now and I'm so sick of it.

I wish my old school, but you know, and then you're subject to just stupid comments that people make or you know, the fact that they're unhappy with themselves and they want to make you feel like sh it and it's so ridiculous, like a lot of women in the power lifting community, you know, cis and transgender, they get a lot of ships because there not male and they're lifting, so you have that huge stigma of you are a woman in power lifting, which is another notch because if it were male power lifting, you don't get a lot of the ship, you know what I mean? You'll get a lot of praise. You have a lot of people asking you questions. Yeah, it's like, I don't like, you know, I don't know if I want my daughter to be a part of this type of community, so hopefully it gets better over time. Yeah, but I mean then again, any community that she's in, it's going to be the same ship, like even because she said she's a gamer, I was reading this article by the ninja dude and apparently he doesn't play like one on one with other uterus Havers.

So he says no to playing with other females and the person asked him like why are you discriminating kind of thing. He's like, no, no, no. Actually like if I do, I'll do it in a group. But I'm not gonna do it one on one because I get so much ship online and the girls get shipped talked in like the live streams that I can't deal with it anymore. I'm like, oh ship because I mean a face value that sounds terrible right? Like, oh, he refuses to play with women like that. What? But he says the answer and I'm like, uh it's literally because people are just writing some nasty ship in the threads and then the next day there'll be rumors like, oh, she probably sucked the thing to be on the show, you know, like, so I don't, I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't know if there's any hope for your kid anywhere. I don't know are just rough out here. It is rough. It's annoying. I don't know uh makes me scared a little bit honestly, especially I get all my information from instagram right now other than my husband is so into politics and watches the news like crazy. Um but a lot of the stuff that people talk about, it's always what somebody else is doing wrong.

Yeah. It's always like something always has to be a controversy. Somebody, hey, oh my God, everybody wants to be conscious, don't do this, do this. Are you doing these? That's wrong. It's like why can't you just exist into your ship and just do it. I hate that and that's I think that's so much to like I try to do that actually I don't try, I do that, I do, I try to be very humble, I had actually somebody call me smug the other day and I was like you're kidding me, whatever, but I try to be very humble because there's you know, there's a lot of people who are very flashy with their accomplishments and I think that's good to an extent, but I think a lot of people do things for other people and not for themselves, they do it for the gram for me and this pandemic, I've worked on a lot of like building self confidence and basically facing these demons that I have been kind of keeping deep down inside, which is another reason why I started power lifting, you know, I wanted some sort of purpose and self confidence because I didn't get that when I was younger and so I notice it with other people, you know when somebody is busy talking about somebody else, they have something wrong with themselves, they're not happy with themselves, they don't have the self confidence because if they did they wouldn't give a ship what that other person was doing.

So the pro of power lifting self confidence, a sense of being the con of power lifting, everything else, everything else. I mean is there a hiking community and does that compare it all because I know you hike but you're just on your own. There was there a culture for hiking? Also there's a culture for hiking here there is a group um P. N. W. Happy hikers, pacific northwest happy hikers. Um And they are amazing. Um And they're very they're very inclusive. Which is nice because we get to learn a lot about each other. Um It's fun to be with them. But I love being by myself. I I'm an only child and I didn't have a lot of friends growing up so I'm just very comfortable with being by myself And so I love to just go out there 5060 miles deep and just like do my own thing and not beyond anybody else's schedule. Um I have a trip coming up in August, it's gonna be a nine days, probably 80 90 miles trip in august.

Are you just gonna like sleep outside? Yeah I'm gonna I start going to be all right, I'm gonna have my satellite communicator because my husband you know loses his ship when I go out there by myself. Um But it's it's going to be nice because I do a lot of thinking out there and it sounds awesome. Yeah it's nice. I you know I as a power lifter that hikes. It's kind of weird because you know it's two different systems. So as like this Muscular person trying to climb up a hill with £70 on their back. You know, it's like, you know what I mean? This is like signed to get that aerobic training in before. These types of hikes is difficult because you lose your gains, which is inevitable if you want to go out there and it's one of the other. So usually in the winter I'll do my power lifting and then towards about like I have my meat in May and then once my meat's done, then I transitioned over to like endurance, which, which will still be squat bench, dead lift.

Just a different set and rep parade. That makes sense. Yeah, it's cool because you know, Washington has some of the most amazing hiking ever. Amazing thank you. And you know, everybody is very friendly out there. You know, it's like, hi, how's it going? You know, everybody wants to talk to you. There's a lot of um, like the whole pacific crest trail, you know, there's a few times where I've met up with somebody that's done 600 miles and I'm like, oh, hey, how's it going? You haven't seen anybody in like five days. You know, this is what's going on in the world. Like that's always cool to interact with those people out there. That's like an entirely different reality and you're talking about. I Know I was, I think it was the hottest day of the year last year was like 102 out here in Washington, which is just hell for us and I decided to go out on a hike and I about passed out on the way up there because I have that inflammation in my lungs. Sometimes I got to just push through it out there, which is stupid, but I do it whatever.

I'm going to keep doing it and I go to this junction and I see this really old guy and he looks kind of mangled and I'm like, oh my gosh, you know, where'd you come from? He was like, I came from Canada, that's super badass. Tell me like, is this your first time? You know, it's just cool to learn about people out there. It's nice. It's nice. I like it. I can't wait. Summer can't come any sooner. The only parallel experience I could compare to that probably is when I got into yoga and like, you know, you take the beginner's classes um and realize that I'm a beginner because I was beginning because I was new. I didn't know poses. I don't understand the practice. I don't understand the breath, I don't understand the concepts, the mindfulness, everything right? Like never knew what it was. Just walked into classes. That's that's where I was. Then I look at these other people and I realized like you're a beginner for everything. You've never even used your body. Okay, cool, alright, we're not on the same way like, so you know, these people are like, oh my wrist hurts and I'm just like you kind of muscles, you know like that like being the beginner in that setting was just like okay, this is not, this is weird.

Yeah. I tried to like, a lot of my friends want to come with me. A lot of our beginners. You know, a lot of my friends are very sedentary and they like to spend a lot of their times partying going to shows hanging out at bars and so whenever I ask them to come, they're like, oh I can't do what you do. It's too intense and I'm like, are you fun kidding me right now? Like I could die. I have more chance of dying out here than you do. Like you would have to carry my ass down. Like don't calm down like it's just eight miles. No big deal. It's like, it's it's funny because people are so scared to be out there. Yeah, they think that a berry expanse. Yeah. They always always scary. They always ask if I'm going to carry a gun. I am. I know man, I'm not, what am I gonna do with a gun. I'm not gonna have enough time. You watch too many movies. Oh I know it's it's ridiculous but it's nice to be so far out there that nothing matters except for what you are doing and what you want to do. So there's a pro of going out there by yourself because you're on your schedule but it also gets lonely as hell and you gotta do, you know do a lot of thinking, you do a lot of soul searching out there, do a lot of crying.

A lot of people found out that they don't like being by themselves in this pandemic anyway. So either they will be more prepared for hiking now or will definitely never hike. Yeah, I know for this pandemic, it's uh I I think I mentioned in one of the previous episodes that I was doing Ricky. Yeah because once since I started doing that, it's had a lot of things come to the surface and then when I go out to the woods, I deal with it out there because I don't like to be are you okay? You know, I don't like to have people see me cry. I don't like to have people see me show emotion probably not a good thing, but it's just kind of a shell that I have. You know, so there's a lot of stuff that I have on my shoulders and I want to just go out there and purge. Yeah, no, that makes sense. Which is like, you know, I'll go on one hand how many people have seen me cry. So. No. Yeah, that makes sense to me. It was it was a rough childhood for me. We didn't show a lot of emotion and so for some reason I think that's still like a bad thing, It shows weakness and I think that's just for me, that's not for everybody else.

I think, you know, you're the opposite of a weak person if you can cry in front of somebody. But like I said, I have the shell that I'm learning how to break. And I think being alone and being out in the woods is helping me to break that back to learn how to deal with that for your four years self. Because I mean culturally it's the same. You don't show weakness. You don't show people that you're in pain. Everything is fine. Like I've had literally aunts and uncles that are dying and I wouldn't know like that's my culture, Like everything is fine. Everything is good. We're good. Yeah. Great. No matter what? No, no, no, don't tell her. No, no, no, don't tell her about the time he was in hospital. No, no. Just tell your father What? Okay. I know my, my programming. So I'm with you there. Yeah. My, my mom, like I guess took a nasty spill and bumped her head, had brain bleeding. I had no idea. Yeah. She just like casually told me like, yeah, my brain is bleeding.

So, you know, I can't go work here. I'm like, what do you mean your brain is bleeding? How'd that happen? Uh huh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, my mom was diagnosed with leukemia. Like she knew something was up for months. I didn't know none of us knew she just powered through it herself. Yeah. And that's the, that's somewhat normal. I don't know. Where's your family from? Are the Washington people generations deeper. What? Um, I don't really talk to my family. My OMA immigrated from Germany And I just took a 23 and me DNA and found out on like, 2% German. Um, so, um, I'm not really sure where the hell my family came from. We don't know anything about that. I just know that I'm eastern european jewish and like, what about that? Could be a part of it, the culture then jewish because uh, and this is not something you learn in school. This is what I've learned from seeing what other jewish people post about their life.

And it's like, you can't have jewish friends, like, you can't tell anybody about what you're doing. You don't tell anybody that you're jewish. You don't, you don't become friends with anyone. You don't disclose anything about yourself because they have that fear carried over from the nazi Germany area, like embedded. And it's not that long ago. So that would be like, that would be like your grandma's father or uncle or some sh it, like, telling her no, no, no, don't tell them what you do. No, no, no, no, don't talk to this person. No, no, no, don't. Don't, no, no. You can't have any friends over, like and that just gets passed down to you. So here you are today. Like I can't cry in front of people not understanding why. Yeah. Yeah. My Oma actually hurt my great Oma took my Oma and fled from Nazi Germany to America. Um and so I believe what is it a second generation american in my family? Um according history unless you look it up outside of them, I'm sure. Yeah like I looked up 23 and me and there's a lot of just random like Melanesian Australian indigenous and there's like native american in there.

Apparently I have a native american grandparents. I'm just like wow, I have a lot of interesting like cultures that are, you know like you said they begin to make sense when you understand you know their background. Like I totally would have known about that. The jewish but that you know that totally makes sense. It makes sense. But it's not unless somebody spells it out but it's not your reality, like it's not something you think about. You don't think you're not going to think about that framework like oh my mom ran from Nazi Germany. So this is how she raised me. Like I don't think of that ship. Yeah, I wouldn't, I know the Jewish side comes from my mom, my mom is adopted but she took an ancestry and she 30% Jewish. that makes things even spicier. She's adopted two and Polynesian wow, so that makes sense on why I can't tolerate certain foods and um it just makes a lot of sense. And I guess like personality wise and emotionally wise if I do the research, it might begin to make a little bit more sense.

You know what I mean? Because there's some ship my head where I'm like, oh, where'd that come from? Are you crazy or do you need help? Like do you need, you know, you ever get to that where you're just like, does do other people think about this type of stuff or did other people go through this or is it just me, do I need to like speak something? You know? Yeah. I think everybody needs to get help. I think that's where we start with our problem. Yeah. You have a brain. You should, you should need counseling. That's it. You don't have to be labeled as anything because we're out here just fucking floundering. Trying to figure out if I had somebody tell me like how, oh tell me about your childhood or did you know that? That could I would have mm hmm. I just spent like, I don't know. First had like the last decade just figuring that out. I could have had a professional tell me about that in a session. Right? Yeah. Um We don't talk a lot about my family. And it's I I understand why. Now I was on the phone with my opa about a month ago.

And he I don't know a lot about my mom. And she never, like I said, we don't share emotion. We don't hug, we don't do any of that. Um and I had found out that I was the product of a really toxic environment and it included my mom doing drugs when she was pregnant with me and being subjected to domestic violence and sexual abuse and all that stuff. And my Opa, he was like, yeah, I would pick you up and your mom would have all these younger guys there. But I never said anything. And I'm like, why the fund did you say anything? Like that makes sense. Yeah. Like all the things that he was telling me makes so much sense and like why didn't y'all ever tell me this? Like we need. I know we don't talk about stuff. But y'all should have told me this ship. At least these guys come on like you know this is a new concept.

Talking about what I've learned how like concept exactly. I've learned how to talk through things. I I told my husband about a lot of the I don't I don't like this word and now I know why the word rape. I hate it. And that's because I had to talk about it. And it was one of those things where it was buried so deep down inside of me and being alone and not having you know friends to hang out during this pandemic made me confront that. And he also comes from the same background where no emotion, you know, so well, like as a husband and wife, we have an interesting dynamic, but that's because we don't know any better. Um it's what we were raised around, but it was really hard for me to tell him like, hey, by the way, we've been together for 13 years, but I was like sexually abused for like a lot of that, like most of my life, and he's just like, oh shit, oh what do I, how do I how do I say this? And he's like, you want to talk about it?

No, I know that. I'm sure that was the that alone was like a fucking monumental, like don't let alone is that it was it was difficult and I it's it's funny because I am very I'm an open book. I don't hold anything back and so I will put that out there. So just nonchalant like yeah, you know, sexually abused in all of my relationships, no problem. And they're like, like what? So what's for dinner? What are we going to go out? Like you want to order in what's going on? You wanna talk about it? No, that's all I need to say. Like let's go get some pizza. I got it. It's on the universe on my chest. Yeah, I think a lot of the um I've always kind of been um put off by a lot of like the me too and being open about that type of stuff, and now I kind of realized why it was you weren't because I wasn't I didn't know how to because I didn't want attention.

Yeah, like I wanted to get it out because I want other people to know that they don't, you can just say it and then have it be, you don't have to talk about it, you know what I mean? It doesn't need to be a thing and like a public event. Exactly, like there's a lot of people who post very like private things publicly and it helps them. Um but for me, I I don't work that way. I can, it takes me a long time to say it, and then once I say it, then it's done, like it's out in the open, I don't need to talk about it, the fact that I've thought about it for all this time, and now I said it, so you know that if I'm acting a certain way, it's because of this, like, if I'm like, don't touch me, it's not because it's you, it's because i it's it's deep seated, you know what I mean? It's kind of brought a lot of answers to these weird questions of why does she always look like she's mad, or why are you always so rude or why don't you ever get hugged or anything like that, everybody kind of formed their opinion and it's all stemmed from the ship that I just don't like talk about online, Like so felt good to get that out.

Like, you know, I was I was debating, I was debating on saying it, you know, like last night when I was getting trying to find my daughter's headphones for this podcast, I'm like, do I want to say it? Because that vulnerability feels icky. That's the only way I can, you know what I mean? Like, I just kind of feel like I feel kind of gross and I feel like why I feel like you feel like a wet towel outside, you're like a little cold and little damp. Like, do I want to feel like this? I don't know. Yeah, but after after goes away, you feel so much better man, I'm never gonna forget Christie said this and she was like, our first guest ever to, but she said like, there's strength and softness and when I tell you that hit, I'm like, never going to forget that that sentence, There's strength and softness because you have to have the strength to acknowledge that vulnerability to share it. And then to use that to keep building. Like you don't just cry and say, oh ship like it's not, it doesn't stop there, right?

Like there's strength in that to go through all of those stages. It's fucking work. Yeah. And I think maybe power latino almost mirrors that, you know what I mean? It's that same struggle of having to confront something that you don't want to like, I don't want to, I don't want to lift this, why do I got to lift it? And you know, you have this internal thought process in your head and it opens up doors for you to like explore how to carry over that type of discipline and that type of thinking into your real life. And I think that's kind of what happened. You know, you mentioned that you will never forget when they said that I had one of my first trainers say the discipline that you have in the gym will always carry over into your life. And I've noticed like once I started gaining that discipline and gaining that self confidence, I realized that I don't give a funk what anybody else thinks, you're going to hear what I have to say, however you choose to um react to that that's on you.

I got nothing to do with that has nothing to do with me. Like if you don't like what I said, you could just, you know, figure it out on your own. But I got a lot of ship to say so just go ahead and say it. And I think a lot of people don't realize that I like, don't give a fuck and a lot of people give a funk about what other people think and I think that's a huge part in just somebody's self confidence. Like who cares what other people think. Just obviously your husband and you're like exactly to an extent, like, you know, you still got to have boundaries for yourself and respect for other people, but at the end of the day like you are in control of your actions and they're in control of theirs, you know what I mean? So don't blame your shirt on me, It's not like no, no, no, we all have our own baggage that we have to deal with and it's hard because like you're literally swimming in your own fucking sewage trying to figure out your trash and everybody else has got theirs and they're flinging it at you, they're floundering too. And at some point in their you're supposed to figure it out for yourself, It gets dicey Yeah, fucking daisy.

And especially like when you have an invisible illness and you like, I'm sure this is happening and I told my husband every day and he looks at me like I'm crazy but I'm like, you know what? Some days I just wouldn't fund care about like the world ended today because I just don't care anymore. Like I got all this baggage on me, I wake up feeling like sh it every day I'm getting treated like sh it at work like people don't understand me, you don't understand me, whatever, screw it. Like I have those days where it's like fucking I hate everything, you know, and then I have these days where I'm like, oh you know, it's not that bad, you know, I got this and the sun shining, blah, blah, blah, this and that. Yeah, it's never the same every day is, yeah, it's so morbid. I just, I get a kick out of making jokes about it and it makes other people uncomfortable sometimes. But no, I think there's a certain uh certain things people just don't get unless you have a disability or especially invisible illness.

There's just some things that you're just not going to get. Um so like, people will cancel, right? Like let's say we finally scheduled this like this podcast, it's, it takes work to schedule ship, right, email back and forth checking account and put it down my calendar and then the day you wake up, you actually have to feel good, right? And there's so many people that will finally, we spent maybe what a month. There's some weeks trying to coordinate talking about the podcast and then the day of they got a migraine or they feel like shit or they just don't have it and they're like, I'm so sorry, it's this and this and I'm so sorry and I'm just like, yo you don't you're talking to me, you don't have to tell me that I don't have it today. Alright, cool, check back. But like you're so used to explaining why your reality is your reality, that it's like second nature. Yeah. And I I get over explanatory with that for right now. mostly just because I want to educate people, break that stigma and I just don't, it takes a lot of work for me to not say anything, like yeah, like I'm very, like I said, I'm very vocal about how I feel, so if I started my period and it's a happy flow you bet your ask everybody know about it, oh my god and it makes people uncomfortable, but I'm just like it's something that we can deal with and we don't get time off work and so you're going to hear about it because it sh it sucks so at work like I don't mind, you know being like I got this wrong, I got that wrong but my friends and family that's different, like I'm just like I don't feel good, well I hope you feel better.

Yeah, Okay, me too. And a discussion Yeah, you know what I mean? People are so used to that even in in their regular relationships explaining themselves which is like kind of sad on one end because like damn, that's exhausting. It's exhausting when you leave and you go to work, you have that mindset like these people don't fucking get me, this is how I'm going to talk right, like did you go home and you take that off and you just want to chill, like I can't imagine going home and still having to explain myself. Yeah, luckily my husband's a lot better now. Um My other family members are weird. They'll pray for me. Oh yeah. Oh, I feel at work and the blood of jesus cover you. Ok? Lady thanks. That makes me feel all right. You got any more of that cranberry juice? I mean the blood of christ Excuse me. Um I remember when I told my mom my diagnosis, she left at me. Hm. She I said Bichette's and she was like, uh you mean the ship? So I'm like, oh yeah, you're so honey.

Like, no, I mean, I do have the ship all the time, but it's not funny. It's bush. It's like, I'm glad, you know, you can find humor in my suffering. Like that's only reserved for me. And the only one allowed to find humor in my son way. It's only one way real. But I remember when I before I got my diagnosis, my husband thought I was crazy. He was always going to the hospital. Like there's something wrong. And then I go to the hospital and they're like, there's nothing wrong. I'm like, there's there's something wrong. And he would just look at me like they said, there's nothing wrong. And then I get my said nothing's wrong. And then I got my diagnosis and he's seen me struggle. Um not being able to move off the bed, not being able to breathe. You know, all this type of stuff. And now he's finally realizing, oh ship. You know? She's not faking it. Like, why would I who wants to go to the hospital because they want to like who? Maybe a hypochondriac maybe.

But you know that exists somehow. I don't want I don't want to go to hospital for them to be like there ain't nothing wrong girl. You just want pain meds. Yeah. No it's hard. It's hard. So it's funny because I have like the opposite problem. Well Um you know I'll talk to you like how I'm talking now. I'll be in the hospital like yeah nine of the 10 paint. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I got a lot of pain in my pelvic and I kind of like one doctor told me I might have like a vein compression so you guys just make sure I don't have like a blood clot. You know? But then this would be like oh where is the doctor? What did you hear what she said? You know the doctor will be asking questions that I know like answering it will like make a funding round of conversation that's not worth it. You know how that fucking ship plan and he'd be like but she didn't answer what she meant to uh I have the opposite husband. He is too hype about about me being sick. He's my he's my cheerleader. Oh you're I wonder I don't see I don't know if I would want to if I would want that.

I know the way that my husband reacts is it's just it's kind of interesting. He doesn't know how to, you don't know what to do with his hands. He's like that person in the picture. Yeah. He's just like, I'm like, I don't want advice. I just want you as my husband to hear what I go through on a daily basis so that you understand if I'm being a heinous bitch, it's because I have been treated like crap for like this entire week. Don't take it personally because he had a similar upbringing as me. And so when I am very off standish and I don't like to be touched in pain, I don't like, like when I'm in pain, like I'm just get the hell away from me, don't talk to me, don't do anything. And because you know how you were saying, oh I'm a 99 out of 10, you know, you don't act like you're in pain and so the way that they perceive it is like personal, if that kind of makes sense, like maybe they did something wrong.

But the fact that I have to explain that you didn't do anything wrong is still a annoying issue. But if it gives you peace of mind, I will say that like I shouldn't have to, but you know, we shouldn't have to do a lot of things that we do. Well we've got a long list going and we've got a long list of that, but I mean in general I get what you mean. It's a learning curve, it's a learning curve and I don't know if it's interesting because I don't know what I mean. I guess it just depends like is it better to be alone when your first diagnosis? But it have support. Like it just depends on who you have with you because um our latte, wait, I can't remember whatever some episode we talked to Marie and she's like, um actually for me it was better. I was single. Nobody had expectations for me. I didn't have to lie to anyone about how I felt or I don't have to pretend to do anything that I wasn't and meet someone else's expectations and I was like, well ship that makes sense to like mm Yeah, I um I've noticed and I don't know if you have noticed the same thing, but a lot of my friends are very unsupportive but they are supportive online.

So they'll preach about or they'll post memes about what's what's what's something that's trending um stunk stunk market right now. Yeah, our mental health. So let's say, you know if you are feeling depressed or if you're feeling suicidal, like contact me or reach out to me and I'll do something about it and you reach out to them and they don't do ship uh that kind of makes sense. So like when people post, especially on holidays like, oh if you just got outed by your family, you can't go home. Like I'm your queer anti now, I'm your family. Like that ship. But then you call them like, hey family, they're like, what? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. So it's like the, you know, my friends, they, when I talk about what I'm going through the talk about what they're going through like, oh, you know, um I'll be like, you know how you doing?

Oh Michael Itis. I just got over it. I'm really inflamed in my pelvic area and they'll be like, well I got a stomachache. Yeah, mm hmm. I'm like, yeah, that's the thing. That's the same thing. That's the same thing. It's just like, I don't know, it's weird. Maybe I just need new friends. I'm beginning to create relationships with people that um, we have better. I like our ideals align and our lifestyles a line. I think a lot of my friends are older friends when I used to party and stuff like that and now that I'm power lifting different version of Ashley. Exactly. I'm a different version. Exactly, A little outdated. Yes. And but they pretend to be these people online that are so supportive and then you text them and they don't reply lame. I definitely have. Um and that's another part of my culture is like everything is fine, right? Um, but then also like your family, no matter what is your family, you're supposed to love your family, your family is there for you.

Uh but it's really the same ship. So the same way that you're you're you're you're describing, it's the same. So if you need anything, you don't call me honey, I'm always there for you and you call them. And it's like mm I don't really feel supported right now. This isn't really doing worse now. I feel worse. And you just set a whole bunch of like, you know, if you're a spiritual person, you believe in a greater God, good for you. But like, don't tell me that's why I'm sick or some ship and don't tell me like, okay, I'm not going to be cured by your prayers. God is not amazon. So, I like when they say like, God, God won't give you anything that he didn't think you can handle. I'm like, well this is this is fucked up. Like, oh you can you can handle all this here, take it, it's all yours, thanks. It's I think it's it gives people a sense of false hope. Yeah. So I don't yeah, I get what you're saying there. So I I used to think growing up that those that that level of relationship is what I would get from my family and I'm kind of at the point now where I'm like um that doesn't exactly translate.

So it's like people, people at this point are like at levels like, okay, like you're the person that's cool if I just want to get some coffee, like that's it. Like, if I need to talk to some real sh it all I got is these three guys over here, like, you know that's right man. I'm like, you know, like you could be my lifting buddy, uh you could be my beach buddy, but like, if I actually have to talk about some shit, not really. I have like a few friends that are good at that, but I don't like, again, they embraced me and they tell me that I'm a good person and I'm not used to getting complimented. So it's it's kind of a weird thing that a pattern that I'm trying to break. Like I'm really trying to reach out to people who want to help, but at the same time I'm just like uh like I know what I don't want to accept your compliment. Like, no, I'm not, the ship. Just stop, just stop and then I'll go to somebody who doesn't care and I'm like, tell me I'm tell me I'm pretty like, get it together, what do I need?

What do you want? I know I know that I can give myself what I need right now and my husband is getting a lot better at understanding this like complicated as like a person that I am and I'm trying to deal with all this stuff that's coming up and he's being very supportive in the way that he can, he knows how to be and again, I don't know what the hell I want from anybody. So I say I want A But then I want B But really I want, see I can't tell you what, you know, we're all I want you to do is be like, how are you feeling today? I feel like ship. All right, what can I do to help? Like thank you. Don't be like, I'm sorry. Like I'm sorry to just be like, what can I do to help you? Like you can go get me some chicken nuggets so you can go do like clothes in the dryer. Really good dishes. Like I got a list. Come on, let's get this done. Yeah. No, nobody's at that level. That that level is only my husband. There's nobody. Well my husband and my best friend but that that level.

Not really. And then I have another friend who's long distance, she doesn't live in this country right now. But like when it comes to this kind of ship were the only people that we can talk to about. Like she has no one. She can't talk to her sisters about this kind of stuff. Like she can't they don't get it. They don't they don't get it. And it's like the energy you spend in trying to make somebody fit the role that you need for them. It's like damn yeah, that's why I'm like I'm totally cool with I have a few friends and then I have people that I talked to online um that have my same disorder and they have the same issues, but other than that, like, I'm just kind of focusing on trying to graduate and memorize all these bones in the skull and the pelvis right now. So that's a bone. There's way too many ships. They're like, what's this bow? And I'm like, you made that up that don't even exist. What is that? Let me look not real. This is a trick question rate.

Yeah, no, this is very true. Um so I think we're like, pretty deep in time there, so we'll probably start wrapping up. Is there anything that you had to get off your chest for this episode? I really do want to go back though and like, thank you for sharing your vulnerability because there really is strength and softness. You could have kept that to yourself. Everything start to finish the work place. You're sucking traumas. Like you put it all out there for us. You don't even have to do that. You don't even know. It's like that. So, I do want to thank you for that. But is there anything that you want to leave the listeners with? Um just try to not give a about what anybody thinks of you and just work on yourself. I mean, it's it's scary and you know, a lot of people can't don't end up making it out of the other side when they are confronting these demons, but also don't be afraid to just blurt it out. Like I do you know I told some random person I've been sexually abused, like I just need to get it out.

Like whenever you feel like you need to get it out, let it out. Who gives a ship what anybody else thinks and just like begin the healing process from there. Falling with it. I'm with it. I'll take it. Thank you for that disabled girls out. Thanks for listening to disabled girls who left. We appreciate all of your support and everyone who's taken the time to show us some love. Don't forget to subscribe, rate already. Review of our channel. We're on Apple podcasts, Spotify player, FM, google podcasts and more. You can also find us on instagram at disabled girls who left II

E44: Science, Sickness, & Strength with Ashley
E44: Science, Sickness, & Strength with Ashley
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