Disabled Girls Who Lift

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E59: Self Love & Lifting

February 21st 2022
In the month of love, Marybeth and Marcia to talk about body image, self love, and all the perceptions about self that have changed over the years thanks to lifting and our relationships to movement. ... More
This is disabled girls who lift we are reclaiming what's rightfully ours one podcast at a time. It's mary Beth Chloe and Marcia bringing you the thoughts and unpopular topics to get you out of that A bliss comfort zone. Hello everyone. Welcome to another episode of disabled girls who lived. So as always, thank you for your support. Thank you for your love on instagram. Thank you to our Patreon. All that great stuff. We have us to just chatting it up. This is Marsha sitting on Seminole Tribe Land. I'm a black woman wearing my little clear glasses, My big goal over here headphones and I'm in a pretty okay mood today. You know, I just wanted to add that. There we go. I love that. Midday 3 4 PM over at your, in your land. I'm feeling pretty chill. It's a good day. It's a saturday. It's mary Beth y'all from northern California, sitting on O'Looney land wearing a pink sports bra, black glasses, black headphones, black microphone and a big thing on my face.

Big old nostril piercing septum septum ring. Yes, it's the real one. Not the faux piercing or what? No, it's real and it hurts. Oh, that does not inspire confidence. I'll get a fake one. No, it hurts temporarily after two weeks. Like you're fine. It's just having to change it out is really annoying. You know what I used because like you're, you have so much, so many oils on your fingers that you can't grip on it. So you use a sock, mm hmm, twist the ball and change it out. No, thank you. Never mind. I'm even thinking of my belly button piercing days back in. I'm good on that. Never mind. So what are we talking about today? Not anyways. Anyhoo. Yeah, I got distracted. So it's february. You know, the month of love, the month of black history month and whatever else they like to tack into this month. So the shortest month, the shortest month that they want to tack into.

So, you know, I have a question for you mary beth I have a question in the in the Semblance of love, is it a reach to say that you have reached self love at least because of lifting or it started with lifting or thanks to lifting. Yeah. Yeah. I think the catalyst for self love. I think there's a lot that happened in that period after finding power lifting and finding barbell weights in that like being in a sport where your size doesn't really matter as much, You know, the more that you kind of have on your body mass, the more that you can lift. There's a lot of positives there. Um And then also like being a disabled woman woman like para lifter, there's a lot more positives and seeing like what I can do to my body as opposed to what I couldn't do like in the kitchen or driving or all these careers that kind of had a, you know throw out of my life.

I could do so much in powerlifting. What about you? I have, I feel like I have two levels, two levels of that like pre sickness me when I was power lifting, um I definitely gained a level of confidence, I definitely gained like you know my body can do this so I could do things kind of a feeling, but I don't know if I was ever, I love it, I don't know if I learned anything about self love or self compassion when I started um once I got sick and I was lifting then it became more of that journey, but I don't know when I started there was a lot more of trying to cut because everybody else was cutting, so it was the opposite for me, trying to be as small as possible and then just really going on a cycle of trying to be as small as possible whenever a meat was coming up and then having issues dealing with how to eat when the meats were over, Oh god, and then going back to like eating a surplus amount of food because you starved yourself for like a week or two for that cut or how did that, it's not even starving, it's like And obviously content one, If you don't wanna hear about food and like body image um you know, skip it for now.

Um But it was more of just like binging right, like I was like I'm going to restrict myself hardcore, I went hard, like macros, like you know, I had halo top ice cream, you know like lean turkey, lean chicken breast, like all of it. Um so that if I wasn't cutting for a meat, then I would just literally like the next day eat three course meals of pizza donuts and ice cream. I would literally gain £30. Like I'm not joking and then I'd be like, oh well it's time for me again, gotta get small, then I go right back to restricting and none of those are healthy, right? Like you have had both extremes have both extremes. I can see that for for power lifting, definitely, especially with like what is it like, whiskey and dead lifts, donuts and dead lifts and all these like wild things that we love in the sport because fat is like love here, but also it was also fun.

I think we talked about this in our last interview that like, there's, I feel like for me to, there are different levels like my first two years of para lifting where I thought that I was a super competitive power lifter, I was going to make it to the olympics. So what do you do you do the excessive like things that that wrestlers do and people in the olympics, do they water cut, carb load and then carved cut, Right, so you're sucking up your body, you're like, you're confusing your body into thinking all of these things and then having to go back to that normal. Yeah, it's so drastic. Oh my God, But then now looking back at it, what is this for six years later, Marcy, like back into saying like, oh look, this is what I could do, but I would never do it again because in hindsight, like I feel better in my body, like I don't want to my body, I don't, I wonder if I do also wonder because at the time when I was parallel thing, it really wasn't cool yet.

Nobody was out there. It took maybe like five years into parallel thing to even have, you know, more than five women show up to a competition or even have somebody even at nationals, I would go to the nationals and still be the only one in my weight class. So like the conversation was solely becoming smaller, like that was the only conversation is cutting, you want to be competitive, well, everybody's cutting so you have to cut two and that was like kind of it. Um and you know, it was strong off the jump, so everybody is like, yeah, yeah, you gotta get this or whatever, but I don't know if I was the same person starting now and there's parallels and coaches cool on social media, right? And of course there's still aesthetics and there's not and there's everything in between, but there's a range, Yeah, there wasn't really much of the range and there wasn't really anybody that's like, oh, don't worry about cutting, just go get strong. Yeah. In Strongman in powerlifting, I'm still talking about parallel power lifting after all of this, like, information came out also this idea of the wilkes in competition Exactly, the smaller you are, the more you lift, but now that I feel, I feel like maybe that's also just competing in general then, because competing in, you know, strongman, you kind of have to do the same thing, except the weight classes were higher, right?

There aren't many small women in strong man. Yeah, I mean, I switched to Strongman once, I was sick, like, training wise, it was different. Um but I was still cutting at some level, but in general, it was a different vibe, like bigger is beef here is better and like bigger and, you know, people were trying to be heavyweights on purpose, you know, like, I'm going to drink heavy cream protein shakes every night, like, um so I want, you know, it's like the extreme messaging of powerlifting of, like, be as tiny and cut and lean and shredded as possible to lift the most weight to like, eat anything you can and be bigger. Yeah, and now I feel like, but what's cool is like, I feel like my, my brain personally has matured over time and that if I were to ever compete again, mine is going to be about killing these numbers. Like, these personal records that I've wanted to, like hit on the platform because it's extreme weight to lift, you know, not because I'm whatever body weight and I feel like if you look at like the big like I don't know the top lifters in power lifting, their fucking huge like the ones squatting £1000 the one squatting like £6500 and now they are they are.

But even some of those folks weren't around when I was around. Um I know people are sprouting out of nowhere to it's like. Yeah I feel like a lot. I mean there's still people that are in there still getting it in, you know, Kimberly Walford was like it when I was starting, she's still out there, jennifer Thompson is still out there. Um But those are two super lean, muscular, like oh the weight that they way in looks like their weight, you know? Yeah. That's true. That's true. No, that's not my time, that's not my time. Yeah that was not my time. But still I had bouquet with Brown who was in and out, that was probably it for a heavyweight. Um Still really na. So when I used to when I showed up at raw nationals and before they changed to the I. P. F. Wait glasses right? Because we didn't even have the standard weight classes, we used to have more and different levels than I pf pf kind of made it shittier. But I used to show up 1 98 weight class and be the only one at the national usa pl Powerlifting Championships Championships?

Yes, this is what I'm saying, like, nobody was, I think USA P. O. Was always seen as the smaller, like, natural fake olympics. Us papa didn't even show up on google when I was googling and things back then. Maybe that was just in florida. Usa was like, pretty big encountered. Yeah, I'm sure it depends on the state because we have other ones that I don't think are as big in other areas, so, um but that was the only drug tested, The other ones that would pop up, we're not drug tested, and they're like, super triple ply kind of vibes. Um Yeah, so nobody was there, nobody was large and in charge whatsoever. And everybody was small. And everybody would always talk about, oh yeah, this is the body weight pr and they would like, even though the number was less because they weighed less, and then they talk about their wilkes and then, yeah, that's what they put on the on the pedestal, like, So, or I matched the number that I was £10 ago.

Like, wow. Yeah. And it's so much change. Like, drastic. People think that £10 isn't a lot, but it is male or female, like, it's a lot. It's a lot. And then to drop from 10 down another 15 and 20 just to get your name on the records for three weight classes, like who's going to see that no one's going to know you when you go out into the street. I don't know. And I was really obsessed with my body. My body image wasn't even great either because I wanted to be shredded and um, I wanted to be shredded like everybody, you know, I wanted to have the hamstring cuts the way that everybody else had the hamstring cuts, even though at the time if I went to Publix or I went to a restaurant. So I'm gonna be like, oh my God, you lived like, it's not like, it's not apparent that I left, but to me, I didn't look like came really well for, and I didn't look like jen Thompson. So I needed to get more shredded. It's like, yeah, the lean, the lean muscle that sticks out when you're wearing a dress, it's still does like, it most definitely does.

But it's more of like, I still, I still look hefty, but as I don't, and on top of that, you know, hyper mobile. So like, I'm never going to have those hamstring cuts, my knee is like all the way on mars, so like, how am I going to have the same kind? I cannot imagine how the, do you squat? It's crazy. I defy gravity at all times and like lifting things overhead is, so I'm so fearful of that having, you know, one hand and there are hooks for it. But you know, for you, that's even scarier. Like what if you black out midway? Oh well that's why I never did great with log chris, but has it happened? No, well not like fallout. I black out. Yeah. But I don't literally blacking out. It's a, it's a lot. Oh yeah, that's a big deal. Yeah, that's um, and until I got to that so I replaced like being obsessed as hard with going strong man and like softened it. So it was on like the Diet Pepsi version of hating my, then I started getting sicker and sicker and I couldn't do things and then things outside of my control got in the way of competitions.

So that broke my brain of like always trying to be the strongest bestest best and like compete, you know that part of it because it was like hurricanes, things that canceled. Then it was covid finally. So then I don't feel like, I don't know the way that I am lifting has changed as the way that I love myself has changed. Yeah. But I don't know if I wasn't lifting if those things would have happened either. So I don't know. Yeah, that was a really long way to say to my original question. I'm not sure. I feel like the steps that we had to take to get to our mindset now I'm still thankful for like if we didn't have, I feel like it was a shitty like first three years or so of hating our body. Like I feel like I'm at that point where I'm not happy with where I am body wise, um like but there were there were still so many resources and educational things like you said, like more coaches started coming in more more e books that we can like, learn.

I mean, as much as, you know, we don't exist in a vacuum as much as we like to thank our original thoughts are original thoughts like, I'm sorry, it's not entirely true. You can't we don't everything that we see or absorbing in some form or fashion. So and there's so much shitty information out there tons of shitty information. So like when it comes to fitness of the general fitness is like what you should run, lose weight, get toned, but don't get bulky. Like that was the first phase and then it's a power lifting. Like yeah. Get bulky but not fat though. Stay shredded. Eat clean right? Like that was my next space and it was like Strongman who cares, be big. Okay, cool. Now here I am now like I don't weigh myself anymore. Like that is nuts. Yeah. Down. Yeah. But regardless like, you know, we got to get our mind out of the gutter for like, you know, there's there's self love and then there's fat phobia, right?

What? Well, yes, we want to love our body and whatever stage it's in. But then we also don't want to look at other people and make all these judgments about their health and about their disability and about what they can and can't do, right? We internalize those things too. That's that's like getting in the way of self love and what? Yeah. And what are we getting out of that? Yeah. If you're working out, it must be for some some bodily goal, right? Like whether it is to lose weight, whether it's to get shredded, whether it's to get muscly, like Yeah, it's the like, the attachment of lifting must be for an image. Um So I think that's probably what got broken even though I changed, like, what those words meant to me throughout the years, I think that's what's got broken. Is that link of like, lifting equals a certain image? I don't care about that anymore. Lifting is now equal to just moving because it's sucking fun. Yeah. Yeah. Like it's not linked to an aesthetic look or anything, any brand, it's nothing. And now as I'm getting older and feeling like my joints cracking and everything changing with the season changing, you know, like when it's colder, my knees hurt and all these things like I can't I was trying to groom my dogs and I can't be on my knees for longer than five minutes or like, I would pass out like my body would just fall apart and so moving in general in the gym like, twice, three times a week is really like my, it's not my minimum and it's not my max, like, I feel like I'm at a good in between.

Oh yeah, that's lovely. That's good. But that's very true. Like what what you're saying is like when you notice your body and how it moves and the things that feel good or don't feel good and how lifting has helped with that, or lifting helps you appreciate that? Maybe, I don't know all of those things, but I feel like we also mentioned a lot of like the individualistic parts of like loving ourselves and fat being fat phobic, but there are so many systematic issues that we always have to address are doctors. Right? Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. I mean, it's so I can tell you for me when it comes to my body and all of those stages I just described, right, when it was, I want to lose as much weight as possible. Nobody ever talked about my body, it was fine. You know, um when it was, I'm trying to be shredded powerlifter, nobody really talks about my body, but that they would say, oh, you know, if I was seeing somebody for a joint issue or a problem like that, oh, well you're getting really muscling, Maybe you should do stretching instead.

Right? There was a judgment on like what it means if you're a muscly person, like, oh, you should do stretching instead. And then once I was like, okay, beefy strong man, it was like, oh, I'm not gonna tell you, I'm gonna tell you to your face, you don't look obese, but in your chart I'm gonna write, you have a high B. M. I. So maybe that's why you're coming to me for problems. It's like, you can't win, you can't win. Yeah, like you can't win what the fucky even ISBN my, you know, like I hate, I hate those letters every time I hear it and it's it's like on a poster in my gym bathroom to like come check your B. M. I. With us, come try this. That's the commercial gym calipers and it's but it's a power lifting gym, you know like Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot, it's just like why does that have to equate to fitness? You know why? And or health, right? Like quote unquote health. So I don't, I don't understand that whatsoever.

And you can't you can't be the stuff of, you know, the european white woman aesthetic yeah, able bodied obviously and looks a certain way. It really makes no sense at all. And it's like you really can't win because if you, if you're getting bigger, then people are going to be like, well why are you getting bigger if you're getting smaller, no matter what, they're congratulating you, even if you didn't do it on purpose, even if you know, you have some sickness, maybe you had a freaking your blowing your brains out and you had diarrhea for two weeks and people are gonna be like you look great. Like I know that's not funny, it's not funny. It's it's true and it's real and and I hate it too with like chronic illnesses and terminal illnesses. Like somebody was sucking cancer, you're going to congratulate them for losing £100 of weight, but they're dying like and this this has happened to so many of my family members like no I don't look good and I don't feel good.

Stop with the stupid compliments. Please not. Please stop, please stop. Yeah but um I don't know what, I don't know. I don't know why that's like why can't people just stop commenting on bodies and on you know the layperson like just stop, just stop talking about people like why is that the conversation? It's always a conversation with my family. What about? Okay like like I hold it. I got it. No, no I got it. What were you about to say? No. No. Uh Well just like I really like this idea that I've been seeing on social media. I don't know if it's been played out like because I've got Kaiser as a PCP where they have these cards when you check in, right? You have you're coming in for a general routine, like physical or checking some ovarian issues, whatever it may be.

There's little cards that you can give to them saying please don't talk let's like don't talk about my weight, my B. M. I. This is not what I came here for to kind of let them know from the get go. Yeah. Um But yeah I feel like that needs to be implemented more. I feel like that's a cool gesture but I also don't like that that's placed on the patient. Like if if that's going to be promoted then that should just be the policy because now you're putting it on me to decide because I already have to decide how to perform. Meet a doctor. I have to decide. Alright do I dumb myself down to pretend I don't know anything or do I talk to them for real already have decisions on how to talk to the doctor. So now now I have to decide whether or not I want to bring up my argument about don't talk about you know what I mean? I think sorry I think I got it wrong. I think it said please don't weigh me. No. I know shangla there's different ones. I don't know if that's a Kaiser sponsored one but there's different things and messages. I've seen different ones because it's routine for a lot of places but it doesn't have to be especially if that's not the issue that I'm coming to you with but you're right like it shouldn't be placed on the patient.

Yeah and then I have to decide now now it's gonna be like, oh great. Here we go now. They're going to be like, oh, it's, it's just the girl that says don't wait her. You know, everybody already has whatever notions that affect my care and I have to like move accordingly so I might not choose to do that. It's just stressful for so many people, You know, like there they're worried about a lot of health concerns and then to place fat phobia on top of that. It's a place able ism on top of that. Like doctors are not here to fix everything. They're here to, you know, find healthier alternatives healthy critical thinkers. Like isn't that what you paid all your, isn't that what you got student loan debt for? Not just to sell someone lose weight. Eat healthier. See you in six months. Like didn't she go to school for this? What are you doing? Wait, can we talk about that chart that you were given of what you were supposed to eat and what you weren't supposed to you like you're supposed to avoid carbs, but then they told you to drink apple juice. Um hmm.

So first of all I've had, I've had, now that's the second provider. The first provider I was telling you about that road be about was talking about my being my, in my chart, but not to my face was my guy now. Whoa. Yeah. And I have abnormal uterine bleeding is like the way they wrote it, But I bleed every two weeks and I have been doing that at every size for the past five years. I remember I was competing right? So I've been 1 51 61 75 1 80. I've been 200. I've been up and down and I've had the problem no matter of my weight. But that's what she put is the reason for why it's happening to me. But she never even talked about that with you. Not at all. And you had to hear from your PCP or read it off some charts or what? Oh I always get my notes after the fact. Okay. That's good. Yeah that's my personal thing. Um So that that's I'm already annoyed. Um So this one with the diet is an E. N. T. Telling me what to do for my reflux. So she's like oh well you know the best way to handle this is to just prevent it with the diet and lifestyle changes and I'm like whatever lady because I've had a G.

I years ago and we did all the G. I. Things and we tried medications and everything. So it's not like this is something I'm this is not my first rodeo. But this lady is like well no just do this lifestyle change and whatever. I'm like all right lady. So she hands me outta fucking four page packet and she gives me a nasal spray. She gives me some pill stick and I'm reading this packet and it has stuff I've already done for my reflux, which is like sleep at an incline done. You know, don't eat acidic foods. Okay. No brainer. That makes sense. Right. Okay. Been doing that. You know, doesn't mean I avoid pizza or whatever. Even foods that relax your throat, that people don't realize like peppermint, I've been avoiding that. I don't eat that. I cut men out. I cut, you know, things that relax your throat. I cut that out. So that's been my life already for years. So, obviously those things aren't working for me. So I'm like, all right, let's see what else it says. And this is fucking it's like avoid high fat foods and like, all right. Maybe you need time to judge just fine. Whatever, avoid high fat foods, avoid dairy.

Everybody hates dairy. That's always like the easy one. Right? Don't drink milk. Sure mitch. Okay. Um, don't don't do dairy. Don't have carbs at dinner. Oh, specifically that time of day. Yeah. Okay. So then that's like words like words. Words, words, words, words and then after that's like specific tips. Chew almonds after every meal you eat an apple or drink apple juice when your symptoms are bothering you. Uh mm apple juice. Huh. And then you had to call them about that and they said interesting. Yeah. You know, I was like, you know, I'm just going to test the waters I'm going to be like, play petty, right? I was like, I sent a message like, oh, you know, I'm thinking, do you have any nutritionist you like because this should don't make no sense. For example. And I said those two examples. So yeah, I think I need a nutritionist and she was like, no, I don't know anybody but what apples are fine and just get apple juice without sugar.

Wow. And almonds are okay too. Can you get low fat almonds to get apple juice without sugar? I guess she wants me to get some Gmo shit. I don't know what apples they made in the lab with no fructose naturally have sugar. Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. And the fact that you, and that's what I wanted to ask her to. If she had a nutritionist in mind, it's like the fact that people are out here telling you choices to make about what you eat and how your body looks and how your body affects you. But they don't know shit about fuck. Like if that was truly your measure of health and truly your measure of whether or not somebody is going to have a problem, Why wouldn't you give them a literal licensed person to talk to them about food, right? Like if that's really the reason. Yeah. And they make that such a big deal. If that's really the region, right? Like instead of handing me some bullshit, overly worded contradictory set of instructions, why wouldn't you say, hey, I'm an E N.

T. I study the ear, nose and throat, not food like that. Why don't you go see a person that talks about food? Because I think food can help you write? Like that makes sense to me, but never at any point does anyone do that? The entire chart was about nutrition, A printed heart that was probably printed like in the 70s. I mean it's like, I don't know if you get those handouts when you go to urgent care or whatever and it's like how to wash your hands. You know, like it's one of those like generic whoever whoever whoever who knows who makes its not like it has citations at the bottom. If it's all about nutrition, like who prepared that sheet? Yes, some random person. It honestly sounds no better than me going on google and going on fucking Cosmo magazine and reading an article about diet changes for reflux. Like that's yeah, you should have been like this is your your opinion, right? Can I speak to professional nutritionist? If this is really the reason? It's a bullshit reason. First of all, it makes no sense to me and that just boils it down to just people literally decide that, you know, if you're fat, what if you're sick and you're fat, it's your fault and when you break down the reasons for its your fault, they have nothing because you're literally giving me diet advice says don't eat fat but eat fat at every meal.

Yeah. So it doesn't make sense whatsoever. It's obscene. And not to mention like the reason for, you know, the reason for your health issues being like about your weight. I feel like gets placed on women a lot more than it gets placed on men for our height for everything. I wouldn't be surprised if it does. I don't know the stats on that, but I would not be surprised. So it is very annoying in that regard when it comes to health care providers, when it comes to friends and family. I don't think it's any better any better for me either because everybody always has a comment on bodies. Yeah. What did you say about your family? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. What culture is that not in? I feel like that's everybody. I feel like that's a universal concept. Um, but definitely like, are you comfortable with Haitians? Like they have no problem lifting up your shirt and touching your belly fat and be like, wow, you're fat.

Yeah. Or you know, that's my personal space or just coming up to you squeezing your muscles. Like, wow, you go to the gym. Like there's no personal space. I know at some level, people talking about your body is universal, but I feel like that might be where it ends. Yeah. When it comes to like peek immigrant culture because it's like you respect your elders, but like the elders treat Children, young people like they own their bodies, you know, so they can touch and do whatever they want. You know, touch and critique and give all their opinions about their body, their career, their partners. Yeah. Not to mention how racist it already is in a lot of immigrant families. Filipinos, Latinos, yeah. Very racist. You already have all those layers plus you have to put on top of it. Like we'll ship what is my body supposed to look like and it's so conflicting because you might have, um, so like in high school I was super skinny.

My thighs didn't touch, I played soccer, I played flag football. Um, so in high school I had the opposite body image, not opposite. That was a different stage. It was the stage of like I want to have, you know, look like a video vixen. Like I didn't have a big, but my thighs didn't touch, I didn't look like Beyonce, You know, I was skinny as hell. And then my family would literally ask me all the time if I ate like if I went to my uncle's house or something, my mom would call and be like, she eat dinner. Like they, yeah, they accused me of having literally an eating disorder because I didn't fit what their standard of body was. But then when I went to college and got my freshman 15, 20, whatever. Then I was too fat. So then I went through the stage of trying to get smaller, right. And then I was mostly and it's like, oh well you two must really like you can't at all angles. Yeah, you can't dodge it. Like I'm on instagram shit. No, I'm gonna go outside and talk to my family ship. No. Alright, we'll go to the doctor. Yeah. I know how every person find any any pathway to loving themselves when all they get is fucking hate.

Yeah. When I was playing soccer I kept feeling in high school and a little bit in college I kept feeling like I wasn't big enough and actually I was, I tried out for a club, I ended up playing in inter mural instead. But I tried out for club soccer and I was really good like super competitive in our area in Berkeley and I was rejected because I wasn't big enough like and at that time, you know, I was from My high school weight at 105 here I am £40 heavier. But like I want to go try out again and see if that's still the case. It's just crazy. You really like you really can't win because the look is defined by so many things if you live in the middle of all these different things, you just lost and I'm thinking about like family and I'm trying to think back to like dinners and thanksgivings and christmases with either my filipino side or my like half mexican family.

Like food was always a center, right? There's no conversation without food. Like you're constantly eating, you're constantly being fed or you're constantly cooking level. Language. Yeah. But there is still that criticism like a little bit, I feel like not so much in the mexican side, but in the filipino side there is you still had the were, there was still like fat phobia within the family, you know, or or you see them two years later, a year later, like, oh, you've gained some weight. You look better. Like you look better back then it's always something, yeah, your cheeks look bigger. Like there's always the, and the like the little like specific body parts too, right? Um, but it's also like you're feeding me all this fat, like what the, what do you expect? I'm eating nothing. But I tried to work with you maybe serve salad next time.

But even that I won't eat that. Even that is a whole thing because even like in your cultural foods, you, I'm sure you don't have to eat everything fried right? Like nobody has an entire culture of red food, you know what I'm saying? But, but when it comes to eating healthy, once you get to eating healthy, it's like, oh, we can't eat any of the food that came from our country. What do the white people eat? Yeah. Yeah. No, like you can't, Yeah. Like it's so stupid. But I mean, yeah, there's always an in between like and um having a vegan partner to and loving filipino food. A majority of it is very very like oily. Even in our breakfast, right? We have long c lo like these things where it's a fried garlic rice, the longe Anissa sausage and like a fried egg. All of it's fried Heavy breakfast like £10 plate. Well, yeah, because you're supposed to eat that breakfast and then go hustle and bustle and work and then work out in the field. Yeah. And then skip your lunch and then eat your heavy dinner.

Exactly. Which is, if anything, if anything, we were like the O. G creators of intermittent fasting. God think about it because we don't we don't have a breakfast food like that either. You know like brunch pancakes and all that ship. That's not. Yeah. No, you eat leftover spaghetti for for breakfast, you carve up, get all the oils and fats and energy for the day, right? So like that's bad. But then, you know, if if a hiker needs to pack trail mix of nuts and whatever and whatever. Like as a concept, it's the same concept. Yeah. If you think about it and yeah, it's all about what's perceived to and like in the ads by your doctor, by tv. But it's like you look at the nutrition facts and this this Bag of Trail Mix has 10 g of fat in it.

Yeah, I mean it's chocolate covered everything. Like I don't know if you did any better. You could just eat the fried eggs. Yeah, you are happier. Yeah, you should just eat the fried. So yeah, that whole conversation is like a whole thing too. But um, more back to what we were talking about in terms of the body stuff. Um, I think, well not more in terms of, but including the body stuff and the food stuff. I think that's like the main idea is like white dudes need to stop deciding what's what's right for sure. For sure. They need to stop, they need to stop deciding what's right. Then we need to stop turning every corner and being so damn conflicted. And that's for everything that's for the nutrition diet, the exercise, the diet, the exercise, the look, the, you know, if I'm, if I decide to engage in fitness, it has no look, I'm doing it because I want to do it period.

That's it. Not to lose weight, not to, not to gain weight, not to get shredded, not too matte, bulk up, nothing. You don't have to look like anything. There's no look to an athlete. It just is it just is. And so if I can just bring it back around here first question about self love and lifting and you know, now that we've talked about nutrition like where do we stand like with valentine's day and loving ourselves and all of this around the corner and us, you know, aging, That's a, that's a big word. That's a big word for Elmo, Almost three years old from the Bronx. Um, like how, like, where do I go from here, waking up in the morning and then looking at the mirror, right. one. Obviously, like, I haven't, I haven't weighed myself either.

Um, and then going into this wedding, like I try on my dress, I go to the um, yeah, like all of that, the person, what is it called? I keep, want to say, edit dressmakers. The seamstress, the seamstress, thank you. The seamstress like measured me after the first fitting and she said, you can't lose weight or you can't gain weight or else it's going to cost you, like literally because I can't change this. And so, you know, that's, that's in my head for the next four months, but also, I don't, I don't think I would change all that much, but it's, it's in my head and if it's not a powerlifting, meet, it's a wedding, not necessarily to look skinny or look thin and lose weight because a lot of them asked those questions, I just can't change period, right?

Yeah. It's calling attention to something you were trying to not really put attention on, right? It's like, it's not to me, it's not a big deal, but you think of somebody else or if I was trying to lose weight from the beginning, Like, I don't know, it's just there's this constant pressure of putting on a face for an event or for your family or for pictures or the social media, you know, like, and it's always on women like ah that's like, how do we move forward? Um I definitely think a lot of it, no matter your background is kind of like understanding where the ideas come from, right? Because even body positivity has been co opted and although it's great in general, but like understanding where that comes from is like the image of the person, what they should look like, what they should eat, how their shape should look. All comes from like a white dude, right?

And at some point we have to figure out which parts of that is something that we thought of in our brain or something that a magazine told us or something that, you know, maybe we've had mothers that have been on diets their whole lives, right? Like told us or what we see on a television show or whatever, like being able to separate, like, oh, that's not me, that's the system, like I'm good on that. Yeah, that's got to be a strong asked me to say that every freaking day, if it's all around you too, and that doesn't mean that you never get affected by it, but at least you understand like that's not me, I don't I'm not, I'm not here for that. I don't like that. I might struggle with it. But like, yeah, is that your core just being like, that's stupid. And I think it's powerful enough to, if you have, if you have a network, if you have like a group of friends, sisters, cousins where you projected onto yourself, then they'll start recognizing like, oh, this isn't important. Loving yourself for your yourself or your body is regardless of what it looks like.

Yeah. And it's interesting because, you know, like I said, I've gone through these changes, right? And, and um, you mentioned having people either to model forward model with whatever, but there are people that still have that model of me of like, you know, previous versions, I've already updated my systems. Like I'm on IOS 15, you feel me like, but they're still like, look, you know, these are my macros and I'm like, I don't care about that anymore. You know, people are like, yeah, I got my body fat. I'm like, I don't, I don't care about that anymore. I'm just happy with what I can do. Yeah. Yeah. So even even that is interesting. I think just giving um people space for the capacity to change is also a part of it, most definitely. I feel like that's a part of it for other people and for yourself because there's, you know, there's some things I thought five years ago, loudly, like, you know, put it on a billboard, you know, and that's what people still think of me, but that's not where I'm at anymore.

And I'm gonna deal with it. Yeah, I love that. I love that for you. Yeah. And I'm okay with that. So that that can also be a bit jarring is like when you're trying to move on from something, but I can't pretend that never happened. And I think what I would I enjoy more to like, like I said as I'm getting older is I've I've had, you know, 30 plus years of experiencing 30 plus turning 30 almost 30 years of experiencing, sorry, experimenting with food and what foods feel like make my body feel good. Yeah. What makes it shitty? What makes my body feel shitty the next day or, And I'm starting to feel that I think more now and I think that's what's good like me deciding what's healthy for my body and whether it's whether it's dairy or not, whether it's meat or not, whether it's like carbs, all types of carbs or you can't avoid carbs.

Carbs are everywhere and they're just um, but finding the right ones, you know, and experimenting with that rather than saying absolutely no, like none of this unless you're deathly allergic. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I think that's real. That's real. Um Yeah, mm hmm. Sounds sounds great. Yeah, I don't even know how to end this. I guess. I guess we end with, you know, if disabled girls who lived who listen to disabled girls who lived. There you go. How have you found searched for work through Self love with lifting and self love means how you feel your body, how you look at your body, what you think about your body, all of those things, general health. Yeah. Um also I think there's a great episode that we can link from therapy for black girls about body image that I actually just listened to last week is pretty relevant and I think has some good nuggets of info for somebody that is actually struggling with some of the things we flew by.

I don't want to listen to that. Link me 1st link you first. But other than that, like we love you all. That's it. Yeah, I love you. I love me first and then I love you. I love everyone else. That's the order single girls out. Thanks for listening to disabled girls who left. We appreciate all of your support and everyone who's taken the time to show us some love. Don't forget to subscribe rate already. Review of our channel. We're on apple podcasts, Spotify player FM, google podcasts and more. You can also find us on instagram at disabled girls who left

E59: Self Love & Lifting
E59: Self Love & Lifting
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