This is disabled girls who lift. We are reclaiming what's rightfully ours one podcast at a time. It's Mary Beth Chloe and Marcia bringing you the thoughts and unpopular topics to get you out of that able comfort zone. Hello. Hello, welcome back to another episode of disabled girls who lifts. We still exist. Um Thank you for your support. As always online on Instagram on the Twitters, the Patreon, the coins, the sharing the name drops all of that good stuff. Um It's two of us on today. This is Marcia on Seminole Tribe land in Florida. I have on my champagne rose beats head paint, um headphones, a big fluffy orange t-shirt and I'm sitting in front of my abstract colored wall and I am a black fem with locks, beautiful black fem with locks. I miss you. I miss everyone. I feel like it's been forever since we've got on here by ourselves.

It has been forever. That is factual. Well, what's up y'all? It's Mary Bath from Northern California sitting on a loney land. I am wearing all black. It's a shirt that says we are all dreamers. Um I'm wearing black headphones, black mic in front of me sitting in my office. So you'll see a bookshelf to my left. I left and I'm excited to be here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we got lots to kinda like catch up on the other world and the world good and bad, good. Just, you know, things in all directions, in all caps, everything everywhere, all at once. Kind of that Golden Globe Awards. Yes. That's the vibe of our actual life right now. So, I mean, we've been like missing a couple of months. We, I think we finally started missing some months. So that's how, you know, we're really going through it.

Right. Yeah. Yeah. A little busy in our lives professionally and personally, which is fine. A little professional busines, a little personal heaviness, lots of stuff. So let's talk about it. Um You know how we cope, how we're doing, catch up on our life. Uh He's going first. Well, I think too, like it's great to have a community that's kind of supportive in our process too. No one's rushing us to get a new podcast episode scheduled and uploaded or post on Instagram like three times a day. Like we used to, people are kind of forgiving because they know how important it is for us to rest and to heal. So I do want to say I appreciate that. Yeah. Disabled folks know what it's about. Um And I see that from other creators sometimes like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I haven't posted like, no bitch, I'm not, sorry. Yeah. You know what it is? Not everybody notices.

Like, maybe it has been a few, few days but I didn't notice you're gone for two days. I didn't even open my phone, you know? Yeah. Yeah. It's not that deep. Like, so if you roommate feels that way, relax, relax. Take your time. Yeah, we're not sharing utility bills up in here. Yeah. I mean, unless content creation is your job. But then that's, I guess that's probably a different conversation but we're not talking about people like that. This is not our job. Yeah. Yeah. But it's been great too, like still throughout this time getting other people to talk about their story and we're still like keeping ourselves our pictures out there. Our relevance out there. You had an episode not too recently, right? Oh, yeah, I talked to Brandy. You talked to Rachel. Mhm. Um, we had somebody before that together, Kim. Yeah, we've been in and out all over the place. So we're still, we still exist. Yeah. Yeah. But to kind of just catch up on our lives.

You know, it's been six, sevenish months since we kind of gave you all an update on our healing journey. What else should we talk about? Kind of just like selfcare through COVID through like just changes in general, right? Like job changes, family house changes, things like that. Yeah. Boundary setting therapy, I think we talked about therapy and that one too. That was a couple episodes ago. We're talking about the September episode, self care without breaking the bank. So 65 oh 60 4, 64. So yeah, this will be same vibes, I suppose. But um sorry, 66 get it together. The time of grace and compassion is over. You're not allowed to be a mess anymore. Get it together. Forgive me, father. Right. It is episode 66.

But yeah, I mean, I mean, a lot has happened in the last seven months or seven months, right? We had holidays and then this new year that all of a sudden everything just open back up like drastically in 2020 three. I don't know how five months have passed and it's been like a week. It feels like a week. It's, it feels like a week, but it also feels like a year. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I definitely collectively there's a lot going on, like experience wise that we can all share. I mean, holidays suck for some people and they're good for others. So we kind of, we could share that. Right. And then just fucking all the bad news in the world. We have that collective experience to share hooray, lots of dumpster fires. Yeah. And just how scary it's been in like congress things that are happening in different states. Like why are people, you know? Yeah. It's feeling very handmade stale with all these rules about uteruses and trans kids.

It's scary out there and they're, they're working hard. They're, they're really going hard right now. They turned the year and they were like, let's fuck them kids. Like they meant that we all have that collectively. Oh, well, I mean, at least us, not all we, because not all of our listeners are Americans. Exactly. Yeah. But I mean, the, uh, globally everybody's going through it. I know that for a fucking fact. So like earthquakes, right? Natural disasters, freaking fires and tornadoes where there should it really be? Yes, we got revolutions everywhere. Every, everywhere is a fucking dumpster fire. So I think we all collectively need to take a fucking breath and then we get like the extra spice of individual life. Hm. Yeah. What's happening in our little bubbles, you know, every day, every month and how we're coping with that and I feel like having, I don't, I think having each other has been great, you know, offline and bouncing ideas back and forth, but then bouncing like new life changes and how we're grieving in individually has been healing for me.

But you know. Yeah, I mean, so last time we talked, let me see, my partner had just started like school. So I was the main breadwinner breadwinner of the household and I have been for the last seven ish months. So kind of keeping my mental sanity and on top of what, just like f financial things balancing like having rented a brand new like three bedroom house, it's not a mortgage, but it is still a lot in the Bay Area. Um It's ridiculous a bill. Um And yeah, just kind of supporting people while also um allowing them to recognize like how much of a sacrifice like I'm taking um for somebody else like and this is, of course my husband but um he's a grown ass man And sometimes I feel like sometimes I feel like I don't wanna be, you know, somebody's mother or whatever the case may be like in marriages, like it always kind of comes to that.

Um So that's been kind of like a fun and interesting journey like he just got a job offer last week. So it puts a lot of pressure off of me um for just mental, physical like time aspects too and how our days are kind of scheduled. Um And then yeah, on top of kind of supporting our own friends too who recently like lost a mother and um providing like babysitting support if not financial support, like um while still taking care of ourselves has been um very interesting. That's a lot and you're not gonna get far with that if you don't know like how to check in with yourself and how to check in with your partner and say what you need or even know what you need. And I mean, and so that means, you know, and we love this child who we're taking care of. He, he's at our house three times a week out of the seven. And that's during my work day, I work from home.

Um, he's my godson. So of course I treat him like my own. Um But through all that, like, we've also been trying to conceive for the last year and seven months. So, um with every month that comes and there's like a negative pregnancy test and we've been kind of emotionally and like physically uh scheduling these, these moments and what taking tests to make sure that our, you know, everything's viable and kind of getting on a better fitness grind per se. Um to keep our bodies healthy and to keep our just system healthy has been, has been a lot. It is a lot, it is a lot because it's like a lot of sacrifice. I mean, I can't relate to that exact experience, but I know how much it is to have to treat my body like, like a science experiment.

Like, all right, these are the things I have to do, like all, all the like the hyper vigilance at all times like all right, what am I eating? How am I moving? Am I getting enough sleep all the time to attempt to control something that really is not controllable. There's so many variables, right? Like I could wear a sunscreen that fucks me up for two weeks because I was allergic, right? Like you could do everything that you're supposed to do. That shit is exhausting. So I can only imagine what that feels like. Like if I picture that feeling into what you're describing, it's like, even I'm sure more magnified because you're taking something that's just supposed to be like cute and magical and passionate and loving and fun and you, it's a fucking like, it's like science now you're just like you're checking a fucking chart all the time, literally, like you're checking numbers like that sucks. It's a full on research paper with my body and with my like emotions. But um I think the biggest thing too is like, OK, like I'm in my thirties, he's in his mid thirties and um the timing of it is like, ok, you know, it's not terrifying.

It's not, there's just um a lot of downplaying when it comes to like the TT C journey because so many couples, you know, um accidentally get pregnant or um they're just, there's just a huge um spectrum when it comes to fertility uh which is wild and I'm learning so much more about it. But um all our lives, we were taught how not to conceive, right? Where the fucking condom take birth control pills. You were actually just talking about how your O B G Y N actually was uncomfortable talking to you about um about birth control and birth control. And is that because you're in Florida versus in California where we're overpopulated and they drill that into us like at the age of 14. Um That's wild to me, but that's all I've known since I was 14. You know, how not to have a baby, how not to have a baby.

And so kind of learning on my own via books via um articles and um TT C like experts and my own O B G Y N. It's been um a lot of information like super exciting. But you know, I think um the biggest thing is the high hope that comes with every month. It's like the the two week waiting period between your last period and ovulation. And then, you know, that whole journey is just like interesting because I'm like, oh shit, I feel like I'm pregnant. Why did I throw up? Why am I feeling nauseous that exciting, such a, such a wave of sadness. Oh my God, it's, it's exciting because I'm like, ok, I'm supposed to be feeling these side effects. Um even if it's something, you know, far from pregnancy or um but then when that period comes along, it's like a very dry dark day in my house, you know, like we're not trying to blame each other.

Me and my partner, no one did anything wrong but, but you can't help but be disappointed. Yeah, it's just a failed test every single month for the last 18 months. Um So, you know, lots of friends of mine have tried for 14 years and come out with beautiful babies. Others have tried I V F or I U I and um have either failed that or um pass, you know, not pass but came out with um something that they wanted or adoption is also a great option. And what's, what's I U I um intra uterine, I forgot what the I stands for at the end, but they essentially just like, I guess sterilize the sperm and still do it all in a lab and uh try conception that way and then like insert it into my uterus and also insert other hormones and essentially like sterilize it so that it, it has like the best viable option for the best.

Um So it's still still like the whole process of I V F or like the method is a little different. Yeah, I think I V F works more for couples who one partner can't conceive versus I U I. Uh I think both have viable sperm and viable eggs that can come together. It's just there are no methods um Naturally that work. Um So they still have to intervene. So I guess that's what the I stands for intrauterine intervention. I think someone explained to me, who knows. Now, all I know is that for I V F, you have to take a lot of shit like you don't just like show up. That's all I know. Like you don't just pull up like, here we go. Like you had to, like, pump yourself with. Yeah. Both take a process, obviously. Um, that's a commitment. Both are a lot for the females hormones because, like, one actually takes, um, what, like, implantation and you have to get your ovaries, like a certain, not your ovaries, your, like the egg, a certain, your follicles for like, oh, jeez, that's, that's a lot.

That's a fa big financial commitment obviously. and like emotional also. Yeah. And, and at the end of it, it's still a risk, you know, it's a risk on all of our bodies up until that baby comes out. Um So yeah, it's been fun but I think having a patient partner and um you know, all of that's really important to, to be patient with ourselves and to also be more forgiving of ourselves and our bodies and not hating our bodies for what it can and can't do. That's been important for me. Mm mm oh Man. Yeah, that when you're talking about every month, when you started that sent that sentence, I, I felt like, oh, like the ocean of ocean of grief. It fucking sucks. And I'm just thinking, I'm just thinking of like the complete opposite where, I mean, my uterus wasn't having it and I honestly like, don't know what the fuck that was about.

But I'm like, I was, every time I got my period, I was like, fantastic sensational. Yeah. Happy. I was, I was very happy. Um And literally for the last 20 years, that's kind of how we're trained, you know, especially those boss bitches that have business like can't take nine months off. Yeah. Um Fucking wild. I, I feel like, especially for me in the past couple of years, I've been like totally happy about seeing my period because of changing like on and off birth controls, trying this trying that just fucking having a whole wreck with like irregular cycles and just shit going off the wall. Um And then also just slowly realizing that the person I was married to was a piece of shit. So like, like not wanting to be tied to that person for the rest of my life. Major major win ma Major win totally ended experience for me for me every month.

But it's true like a child does tie you to that one person, whether you like it or not for life versus other things like promises, marriages. There's still, it's a piece of paper. Yeah, it's whatever. That's fucking nuts. So what, what have you done? Um I guess differently compared to how you coped with life before, to coping with life. Plus the trying to conceive journey. I think the biggest thing or I think the hardest thing for me is I rely a lot on friends and you know, that's essentially um therapy for me and that I can like share with them about this journey. But I feel like the TT C journey just for me, I, I everyone's, you know, is unique but I feel like that's a lot more private in between me and my partner. Like I've shared in different waves to people that are pardon me, you know, like, OK, we have been trying especially to the grandparents who are waiting for a child, like be patient with us, please.

Like it's not that we don't want to be a grandchild. We're fucking trying but stop asking. Um is like every month it feels like, you know, we could be worse off period. Like there, there could be worse things in the world that are happening um or sorry, there could be worse things that could be happening to us. Um And it feels so small in such a big fucked up world. Um So keeping it private has been, you know, humbling. I don't know, it's been um hard but humbling, you know. Yeah, I mean, it's, it's a tough balance because obviously there are other things happening in the world and this is small in that like perspective. But then there's also the perspective like it is a big part of your life right now. Mhm It's a huge chunk of your, of your time, your effort, your emotions.

So like it is a big deal. Oh For sure. And again, I try hard not to downplay it myself but like naturally I hate be like, yeah, it's not a big deal. It's fine. Um But what was awkward? It's awkward. It's also awkward to, it's, there's a couple of things, it's like awkward to talk about. There's a level of vulnerability because that, that I understand because like, I never discussed my romantic relationship with anybody until I, I started really doubting it honestly with that man for, for, you know, over a decade, I never really like, I never complained to the girlfriends about him or like shit like that at all. So that, that was like step. That was like a step. That was like a oh OK. We told people things this is weird. Yeah. And I think that kind of shows the severity of it, right? A lot of things that you feel like you can quote unquote deal with on a daily basis. Ok? That can stay private but fuck if this is on my mind 24 7 and it's affecting every aspect of my life.

Ok? It needs to come out. That's how I feel about it too. So that's a good way to put it though. Yeah. So when you need it out, like and you felt like, ok, something's not wrong here. Let me kind of pull my other ladies um about how relationships work. What is toxicity. Uh I think that's when that's I, you know, they're both coping mechanisms but they're Yeah. And, and either it either can be protective and either could be like maladaptive. It just depends, right. Some things are not to be shared with everyone. Um And there's also, I mean, it takes like some level of strength and awareness to be vulnerable and follow through with it. And then there's also the small sliver of like, maybe you choose the wrong person to be vulnerable with and, and, you know, that ends up like they can't hold the space for you or they don't agree with you or whatever. Like, there's always that part of it too. Not even just sharing what's private. It's like, well, what happens if this goes in the opposite direction, then I gotta deal with cutting somebody off.

Well, yeah. Yeah. But in your, but in your case you're not just cutting one person off, it's like a pod, it's a family. It's a, like a group of important people in your life that you feel like, oh, shit, I want my life to go a different direction and I can't do it with these folks. Yeah, that's rough. Oh, that is very rough. But in, in the same, no, go ahead. No, like on that same line you're finding, um importance in all these other people. You know, like, I think we're, um, investing our energy just to different people in your lives. Um Yeah, that, I mean, it, it takes the strength to be vulnerable and it's scary because what if you know, what if they can't be there for you. But like also, um, if that's true fuck them, right? Like, like getting there too is, is a process and sometimes we can't handle dealing with, you know, the thing in front of us and also like the fucking part of it.

So, I mean, that's real, that's why I said either. Either way is, is self protection. Whether it's maladaptive, you're gonna have to talk to your therapist about that. Uh But I agree with you at this point in my life. Yeah, like I'm moving my life in a different direction and if the people aren't moving with me, they're getting left behind. Welcome. Fuck them, fuck them. Wish him the best if we're gonna love him. Uh But do we wish him the best? No, we don't. But if, if we're loving lighting it, you know, they're just operating on a different vibrational plane than us. We're just on different paths. We're just on different energies and, you know, they're just at a different point in their journey than ours. That's all. Yeah. Literally the stars. Yeah. No. Oh God. But yeah, that, that takes a lot of self awareness too. How are you doing to cope with those decisions? That's a really big decision to like voice to make like with yourself and then to with the other person.

Oh It's a lot. Um So to give you all some background essentially. Um I left my husband, I realized it's an abusive relationship emotionally, financially, total trash, total ass. I will never speak positively of him. He is a trash human being. Um But then the other part of it that sucked is that we kind of had like a trio when we lived with someone that I called my brother. Like when I introduced him to people, like people thought like that was my blood relative. That was our relationship, or at least my relationship to him, his attachment to me is obviously not the same. So that whole situation got blown up because I didn't really feel supported by the brother. No brother. Yeah. And you all live together. It's not like, yeah, we all live together and whether he didn't want to have to accept that my ex was abusive, whether he just didn't want to have to deal with, I don't know feelings or I don't know what the fuck the deal was. But you know, I'm moving along if you're not moving with me. Mhm See you later.

So dealing with that. Um Lots of therapy, lots of journaling, lots of crying, obviously. Um For the uh my abusive ex, I made actually like a whole youtube series which I, we could put the link in the show notes. But you know, it's not like uh I mean, it's satirical, it's funny but there's, I also cry in it. So and talk about abuse. So that's not like a leisurely watch. You've been warned. Yeah, it's beautiful. Very artistic. Yeah. So sometimes I look at it, I was like damn, I made that. Yeah. Yeah. That can, it can seriously be added to like a film festival and win some awards because the feelings that like the emotions and feelings of, of grief relief, like all of it through that journey, everybody feels in each episode, you know, the entire series was just, yeah, speaks for itself. It does.

Um And that's like being, I mean, lots of therapy like I said, but and learning how to be ok with all of those feelings. Um, and knowing when I have to slow down, when I have to do nothing when I have to do more. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So I've done a lot um when it comes to like movement and really unpacking the all or nothing mindset. Having a coach has helped with that strength is amazing. Um, like checking in with my body and therapy is helps with like day to day, check me in with like where I'm at emotionally. Like, why am I irritable today? You know, why do I feel heavy today? And it's like, oh, well, ok, obviously it's because it's Easter and my mom would have been here or like, oh, it's because it's this holiday and all three of us would have made a big dinner, right? Like being able to do that day to day has helped a lot. Still a process though because I still want to be productive and healed already.

But, um the healing is not linear. That's for true. And it's hard getting out of those, like, um, what do you call them routines? Right. Whether it's a daily routine or a yearly routine, like you said, holidays come up and it's gonna be the same day every year and you have all of these memories of the last 20 years or the last, you know, even like 20 years before that, right, with your mother or your partner or your best friend. Um And it's gonna change going forward and it, it is like a huge grieving process every fucking year. Like there's no, yeah, there's a lot. They say that time heals but that holiday is gonna come up every time and so time does not heal. Yeah. And so like, you know, everyone says, well, make new memories and um try to make that date or that song or that meal like the new experience for you so that, you know, not to like forget or regret any of those things that you did with your ex.

But um you know, just make fun positive things like that's hard too. Yeah. And the thing is, it's like they, I, I think what people don't talk about enough is that like people like to say time heals, make new memories or whatever, but it's like, no, that it's not like everything is still there. Like the grief will always be, there just won't always be as loud. So like um the other part of what I've been doing is, is traveling alone and I'm not really, I haven't gone anywhere like, far and wide. Like, you know, I haven't eat pray love yet but um, you know, taking like little weekend trips to New York and whatever and shit, like, and these are places that we would, we either gone as a trio or I went with my ex um, and, and like, literally going to places we've been together and sure making a new memory. But the memory of what happened there is still gonna be there, right? Like they both happen at the same time, like the grief and the joy coexist and I feel like people don't talk about that enough.

Like I could literally like I went to Universal, I went to Universal. Um It was just something that me and the ex would always do. Drive up, go to the parks, walk around, visit friends, right? I literally drove up three hours. I cried the whole way up. I got there. I had a great day. I spent time with my friend and then I cried all the way down. And then the next day I just moved on with my life. Like it's up like it's, it's, it's up and down and it's gonna be that way. Yeah. Yeah. Like there is no day that I wake, wake up and it's like, huh? It's over. Yeah. And like again, like going back to like being a boss. Bitch having a business, having like responsibilities and things like that as much as we want to schedule our grief and our what uh sessions of crying and sessions of whatever. Like you can't, it's gonna happen all at once, even if you say like, no, I'm gonna have the best fucking time in Orlando or the best day in New York. Um I think that's, yeah, the only thing that can, can help with that is like a horrible, like alcohol and drug phase of physically and literally forgetting everything.

And so like being able to do without is, you know, it's like a huge ode to you for being so fucking strong. And hm he feeling via crying and talking for us, you know, I, I can definitely understand it though. Like I could definitely understand how people would go through drinking and just, just trying to find ways to totally dissociate. I like, I totally understand it. I really do because that shit is hard to go through a day and have fucking 20 emotions in it. It's like the fuck. Yeah, that's like, it's a lot. Um And again, you know, whether, whether the, the coping is maladaptive, you don't have to talk to your therapist about that. But like, uh you know, that's something my therapist told me she's like, it's OK. Sometimes you need to freeze, that's all right. Sit on your phone and do nothing for six hours. That's what you need. That day, give yourself a day or two and the next day, you know, you go back to your routine, like, whatever, it's not that deep.

Yeah. Yeah. And everyone's, everyone's healing is gonna be different. You know, because I, like, I say that out loud because I know it is the healthy route. But, like, in the past, like, alcohol, I definitely resorted to a lot and then, um, you can see, like, weight changes also in a lot of people, like huge dramatic losses or huge gains. Like, yeah, not eating or totally eating terrible, large amounts of food that you wouldn't really eat or just being all over the place. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. And it's all a part of that process. I'm not saying you should do one thing or not. It's, oh, definitely not. Yeah. But um, yeah, coping skills, coping skills are a bitch. So, yeah, therapy is good. Journaling is not for everyone. And when I say journaling, like, like I write like 10 words on a piece of paper. Like I don't write a solo, you know, like I, I might write a poem like I can't do handwriting or maybe I'll, I'll voice record in my diary even, even little things like that because people say so many platitudes and things that you should do.

Oh, meditate. Oh, journal. But ok. How? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Like you're in the, in the middle of your crisis and your grief and then you have to figure out which way to do things is also a lot if I can just say how beautiful it is to be in 2023 have all this multimedia to play with because um like, you know, writing like physically writing on a journal on a yellow notepad um is what I remember, but you have, you also have resources like youtube like studios. Yeah. Damn good videography, skills, editing skills um to make a fucking movie about your, I would have not seen that 30 years ago or as accessible, you know, we could do what we can um by performing on a stage for our small group of friends or, you know, posting a very heartfelt thing on youtube like that.

I think that speaks to so many more people you probably dealt with the same thing, you know. Oh yeah, it's honestly heartbreaking how many people message me privately like, oh yeah, I left an abusive ex and, or actually I'm in the middle of it right now and I think, I think I might be in the same, same situation or, oh I'm in the process of getting divorced and this is what it's like, like there's so many people and it's like, what the fuck? Like, why are we like, why is this such a shared common experience when it's so fucked up? It, it really sucks and it's really hard for people to relate or understand if they weren't actually in it because there's so many people looking in on the outside that are like, well, why didn't you just get out 10 years ago? I didn't like it. But, yeah, like if it was all negative, why stay, like, it's not that fucking easy. First of all, especially if that abuse is, comes in the form of gas lighting or, you know, there are going to be some positive memories or some of aspects of that person that you still hold on to.

Um And not all abuse is physical. Yeah, exactly. That's the other. Yeah, that's like there's so many levels to it that suck. It's like your background where you come from. Um Because like my background is like, I, I feel like peak immigrant culture but specifically Haitians is like, you know, like the Haitian mom does everything. She's the superhero, she's the therapist, she's the, you know, she's the cook, like she's the trip organizer. You know, I did all that. I very much followed the script and it's like, oh keep your husband happy. Your, your husband will probably cheat on you. That's fine. You keep him happy, serve him. You know what I mean? Like, fuck. Like that's the programming. And then on top of that where nobody ever talks about, oh, this is gasoline. Oh This is manipulation. It's just like, oh if he hits you, then it's bad but he's not hating you, you know. Right. Right. And this is coming sometimes coming from people who you look up to as, like matriarchs in the family or, I mean, I'm not saying in your experience but, you know, I'm just thinking moms, aunties, grandmas, like, oh, just deal with it.

I've dealt with it 60 years and we're happily married. Are you? Exactly. You got 12 Children who are, you know, doing great. But are you happily married to die with this person if you were so happy? Why are you always so irritable? I don't know why are you still spanking your Children in the thirties? Yeah. What's going on here? There's something to it. Yeah, some bullshit. It's some bullshit. Then you, you know, then you could add some intersections into it. Like, you know, if you're fucking poor, if you're not white, if you're disabled or, you know, neurodivergent or anything, like you're more likely to, to be the victim of this kind of shit too, right? Like it's stupid. It's not fair. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I do not. That's not spoken enough a lot. And you know, that's, we're getting into very dark talks. But yeah, like we are the most vulnerable population period and it fucking sucks.

Like it like, again, emotionally, physically, all of the things one, like we start off, I personally I start off being born um naturally as like an unlovable person. It feels like, oh, I don't have two hands, something's wrong with me. Something's broken someone's got to take care of me. Like I'm a burden, blah, blah, blah. All the things that we've talked about on this podcast. If you bring another person into your life, if they make you feel all of those things and say again, you're weak, you're a burden. Like, as much as we not want that per, like as much as we know that that's wrong for us to have in our lives. Um, A lot of us settle for that. Yeah. And, and it's, you might not even realize it because that's what's familiar, you might not realize it until you see the other perspective like, oh shit, like no, I'm not. Mhm Yeah. That's, that's kind of, I, I, I know for me in terms of like those shifts in perspective, the reframes, it was only honestly my mom died, right?

So that's like a huge life shift for me like, ok, life short or OK. OK. This is how people responded to this. This is the aftermath of it. Like there's levels to that. Um Also starting therapy individually did a lot. Um And then we also did couples therapy together, which if you're in an abusive relationship could really be like unsafe. Um It wasn't necessarily unsafe for me, but that was also very eye opening because I'm just hearing more perspectives, right? That's like, that's all it comes down to is being able to hear other sides besides the story that you're telling yourself because we could always rewrite that story. Sometimes we just need more ideas and somebody that's experiencing it and seeing it with you firsthand, that's what a, a couple's therapist does. A lot of the times, you know, like, they, they see that toxicity, they see the guest, like, happening in front of them versus with probably your friends and your family. He's like this awesome person.

Everybody wants to be friends with him. Um, But what is he like in a relationship? Right. Right. I think that that's what was huge, right. Yeah, definitely, definitely. You, somebody just show you a different, the different side, you know, different angle gotta hit them angles. Um You know, I mean, I will say I'm very, I'm very privileged though because I'm not, I wasn't necessarily in a situation where I had to stay. Some people are, some people can't work, some people are stuck, some people, it would just be impossible. Housing wise, shit. It's expensive, right? Like I'm, I'm OK and I even had help when I wasn't OK? Like I ask people for help and fucking people help me. So I'm very, very privileged in that regard. Grateful. Yeah, but that shit. So that's happening. So needless to say I haven't really lifted for like three months and I just started and it is trash.

We can all relate to that. Yeah. Well, we're coming back, we're coming back to the week. So, so you were able to um build a little gym for yourself inside of your living room. Right. Is that still the case? Yeah, it's a squat rack and I don't have a TV. I have a squat rack. Life's all about balance, you know. So it's my living room slash gym. Yeah. Yeah. Mhm. That's it. That's, that's where I'm at right now. Yeah. And it just takes that right moment to, or that right day, you know, to kind of get back into somewhat of a groove physically and I'm talking just like AAA fitness groove. Yeah, that be walking or doing a few squats or getting on the bench and more mobility stuff. It's honestly been interesting because this is a type of, of body feelings and like mental feelings that I have not dealt with. So like in the beginning, I was very activated, I'd say like a lot of fight or flight feelings, right?

Because I literally like packed my shit and I left in the middle of the night type thing in, in the, in the, the, the like fucking way in the thick of it, right? Like outside the black cats. Yeah, it was fucking, yeah. And, and I've never, I've never experienced that in my life. Um So I totally feel for people that are fucking got mood disorders or like whatever like um imbalances and shit because that was some shit like I couldn't sleep. My heart rate was up like I was like fucking wired. Yeah. I've, like, I've never dealt with that so I did like, a lot of different things in terms of movement to try to get some stuff out, try to sleep. And then when I came down from that it's like the complete opposite. It's like a crash. It's like, oh, shit. Ok. Now what? Yeah, that shit was rough. How long did that last? The high, the, the adrenaline, the, mm. Probably like a month. probably a solid month of that. Like I was taking sleep aids like we were up.

Yeah, we was on time. Yeah, it's a long time. So that is like a whole new level of uh checking in and listening to your body because my body was just screaming like I'm checking in and she's just like all right, we're screaming again today like what the fuck? And then after a while it just silence. That shit was nuts like where is she at? Where is she? That is the wild. I'm, I'm honestly, dude, anybody that's dealing with that kind of shit where they go up and down against their will. You, you are a gift and a treasure to the world for still being alive because that looks fucking rough. Mm Yeah. So dealing with trying to figure out movement around that has been interesting. Um Now I'm pretty much back to um normal nervous system at least. So, so what have, what have you been able to do with your body? Like um Are you doing like active like yoga movements?

Are you getting under the squat rack? Obviously you can't do strong man inside. So an apartment on the, I don't know if you're on the second floor but you know. Yeah. Um Well, when I was high off of fucking Ephrine, I was going on angry walks. I was fucking hoofing it or like just like I would literally just walk and it'd be like an hour. I'm like, holy shit. Oh Damn. Yeah, I was, I had a lot, I had a lot of it was fucking weird. So that was that and I was lifting in like I had an airbnb. I didn't get the apartment yet. I was doing like random lifts like, you know, 10, 15 minute things just to move and do something with the energy. Um And then coming down from that is, is kind of the opposite because I don't, don't feel like moving. So that was a lot of just like, I wasn't even doing a program, I would just do whatever I could do. I might just do fucking split squats with a kettlebell and like cat and cows call it a day. So that was like February March and April is when I was like, all right, coach put me back in.

Oh yeah. So it's just now and so there were months where you didn't have anything program with the coach and other months where you had like a few, um, what do you call them? Blocks of little bits of training. Yeah. So, January, I had programming and I just did whatever I could kind of thing. It wasn't really, I wasn't stick to the program, but, like February March was nothing. It was just what it, whenever, whatever day I felt like I could move. I did. But otherwise it was like, no pressure. Yeah. Yeah. Still cool to have a coach who understands that. It's not just gonna take a few days or a few weeks. Like sometimes it will take multiple months where you won't hear from me because fitness, not fitness but you know, like movement is triggering for me right now and triggering for my body and get me someone who's like, that's ok. Yeah, that's cool. I'm here. You let me know. Yeah. Yeah, that's so important. Yeah. Yeah, it's pretty, it's pretty live.

Uh, what about you? How are we, how are you dealing with movement in your, uh, fucking monthly roller coaster? I'm kind of the same way. I mean, not so much angry, more so emotional movements. So I'm on my hourly walk of crying with you. Um No, I'm, I'm, I'm doing a lot less strength training or power training and more cardio movements. Like, uh in this office back here we got like a super cheap walking treadmill from Amazon that works perfectly on the standing desk. Um Being more intentional about walking the dogs every day. And getting, you know, 45 minutes in or so, that's like a good goal of, like, 10,000 steps a day. I was never somebody to count my steps. But, um, it just, I mean, it's not even, just the number, just the fact that you're sticking to something. Yeah. Yeah.

And so then something that's like, making a difference, I guess in, in my, like, I can feel it in how I breathe, like, my heart rate. Um, when I'm still, or doing some sort of exercise I'm trying to do a few more hikes out now that it's nice and not stormy here. Yeah. Um, and then on, like, a Saturday, every other week I am in the gym doing some powerlifting stuff. Like I will, for some reason dead lifts is what is triggering to me, but I will do, like, a little squat and a be to kind of keep some of that, that strength. Actually, it's the same for me. I haven't dead lifted in a long time. Yeah. I don't know what it is. Like, it's, it's just a bar on the ground. I don't want to lift it up. This is just some, something about the dead lift that's just like, no, ma'am not for you. Not right now. I'm just sitting there. Yeah. I don't know. Something wrong. I don't, well, this is how I feel like benching is the easiest thing for me.

Now. Benching is whatever I can have. A shitty day and be like, I'll bench something that's fine. Um But squats is like a lot for me. How does it feel the same for you? It's the same to me, especially since I, if I want to put a little more weight on, I do have to put on the, you know, the knee sleeves and I'm like, I don't wanna put on fucking knee sleeves today. It's gonna take like, you know, yeah, little things, just little things that inconvenience our lives like, no, that's true. It's true. There's some days I'm like, fuck, I don't feel like putting on a goddamn sports, bro. I'm not doing Olympic lifts today. The bra because your, your titties gotta be your titty gotta be fucking, you know, sturdy for the Olympic lift to get in the way. I guess I'm not doing that today. Like I don't, I don't even care about like I don't use wrist straps anymore. I don't care about the belt really unless I'm doing something super heavy. Um But the dead lift for me, for sure, I can tell you for sure for dead lift is like, I don't want to deal with having to use both of my hands and, and the hook because yeah, the hook is like breaking like that's gives me so much anxiety like throughout my entire warmup like, oh this shit's gonna rip and my shoulder is going to go out or something, you know, it's not super safe unless everything is perfect.

Right. And just knowing that you don't have it. Yeah. You don't have the mental energy to just deal with that. So you don't. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Totally break is not trying to. Yeah, I was gonna say that. Yeah. Yeah. It's a, it's a concept doing things casually. Yeah. Who do? I actually enjoy things. The casual lifts that we do are still, like, pretty intensive for a huge majority of the population. Like, I'm not trying to toot my own horn but it's like, it's still pretty intense. Um, I'm moving some weight. Yeah. Yeah, I'm still giving ourselves credit for that. Like, it's still 2, 200 plus pounds, um, or whatever. Yeah. But if I don't feel like putting on shoes and I'm not squatting that day. That's all. Yeah. Yeah, that's all, it's all part of the process. Oh, yeah. Said a lot of things there. Yeah, a lot of things there y'all. Well, and, you know, can I just say, like, just as part of the movement thing and, like, trying to find a balance between what I know is right for my body and what I know, like I should be doing versus what the doctor is telling me.

Like, I'm not in contact with my doctor as much anymore, but like, my O B G Y N is like, no, you've got to lose, try to lose, like, £10 and maybe your T C C journey will be a lot more positive. I'm like, you don't fucking know that. First of all, he shut the fuck up. Like skinny people aren't in this I V F clinic. Shut the fuck up. Oh Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you know that's just, but there is a huge sense of guilt there like, ok, I'm not moving enough like, ok, let's do something, anything. I'm not on a track to try to lose a certain number of pounds. But I do want to feel, um, you know, just a little more energized. Yeah. I used to have a pressure to be active and quote, unquote, pursue wellness type of shit. Yeah. And I want my body to kind of be happy with me at the end of the day. That's my goal. I'm not trying to lose weight. I'm not trying to, um, whatever. I'm not trying to eat the box of healthy things that every, yeah, eat clean and do this diet and do this restriction and organic only and blah, blah, blah, like, relax.

Yeah. I just want to listen to my body that it will tell you when it's angry like the day after and sometimes we can't ignore that. Mhm. Mhm. Yeah. But it'll catch up to you eventually when you ignore it too. Mhm. Yeah. So it's been fun. I think you and I do a great job in giving ourselves grace when we can. So, and giving each other grace because I love you. I love you too. I cried twice during this episode. We are strong, independent women. We have no tears. There are no emotions here. Just fierceness, just angry, power walks, power walks, lifting weights. This is a weight lifting podcast. No feelings. Fuck. No, I, I, I went through it, I went through the range, I went through the range for sure. Um But that's why we do this podcast because we're real fucking people.

We contain multitudes. Yeah. Yeah. And kind of just putting out there. What? Like we don't see and feel anywhere else. Yeah. As like us as a Filipina queer, disabled woman, you know, that's just everything. There's nothing, there's nothing that has everything. It's always one angle and then you start listening, you're like, oh great. They're fucking anti fat or you start listening. You like, oh great. Here comes some fucking restrictive diet nonsense. Like there's always something missing. Mhm Well, we got it all folks, we've got it all or the fitness person and they don't ever fucking talk about. What's it like lifting weights after you get divorced? Like, yeah. Right. Like come on Jesus. It's like y'all need to be fucking for real out here. Jeez. Uh How to dummy's book is what we need. Yes. How to, how to lift your spirits. No. How to lift weights when your spirits are not lifted.

Hm. How to change chase games when the emotions are chasing you Yeah, that's a dissertation. Honestly we go on for years. Um mhm Yeah. So 10,000 copies. That's a bestseller, instant uh real quick before we end this episode. Can you plug the book that you actually are just like it's on all platforms now? Oh yes, we could put that in the show notes. So we put the show notes, the youtube thing that's personal. That's my video series about divorce abuse, blah, blah blah, but separate, separate, separate, separate notice is that we have a book out when I say we, I mean um so Lawrence Rock from rooted resistance and justice of fitness for all bodies made a fucking book and they contacted a bunch of people with different backgrounds. Um We're talking fat activists, yoga people, I'm in it and we all have so many different stories and perspectives to share about fitness.

So that book is out. It's called Deconstructing the Fitness Industrial Complex. So you can get that literally fucking anywhere. Um But we'll put the link in the insurances. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good point. Good work. Uh a link on how to support directly to and not pay money to Amazon and another third party. Yeah. I mean, ideally, you know, you would like support your local bookstore or whatever. But um yeah, that's so exciting. Go read it, go buy it, you buy that shit, it Yeah. And probably coming to a book festival or talk or whatever near you is you and some of the other authors we'll see. We'll see, we'll see. Um, so that's all for now, folks. I think you've got a lot, a lot, a lot to unpack. Good luck. Good luck a lot. We will probably have to put a few trigger warnings out. Yeah. Bye bye. Thanks for listening to disabled girls who left.

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