Graceful Confidence

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Episode 9- Having the Confidence to Be Yourself

by Lauren Debick
January 30th 2021

In this week's episode I have the pleasure of interviewing one of the most courageous women I have ever known, my mom. At almost sixty years old, Glenda Debick reflects on what it means to be yours... More

Welcome to the graceful confidence podcast, I'm your host Lauren De Beck, the founder of Life coaching with Lauren, a female empowerment coach, an entrepreneur m path and a lover of the ego friendly lifestyle. My mission is to help women take control of their lives by teaching them how to increase their confidence in an authentic and genuine way so they can achieve both personal and professional goals. Each week on the graceful confidence podcast I will share ways to increase your confidence tips on how to integrate grace into your life as well as stories and advice from other experts on how as women we can better empower ourselves and those around us. I will show you exactly how to use the power of confidence and grace to create an empowering and invigorating life that you are excited about waking up to every single day. Now let's dive in, Thank you so much for tuning into this episode of the graceful confidence podcast. I was thinking about some topics that I wanted to discuss in 2021 and one of the things that really stood out to me was the concept of being yourself and when you think about it on the surface it should be so simple, it should be so easy to be yourself, means to be true to your core identity rather than faking a different one because you think it will be attractive to others and yet we struggle as a human race so hard with trying to be our true selves.

So for today's episode, what I wanted to do was interview someone who recently had an epiphany out loud and said that she finally feels like she's truly being herself and I wanted to take this opportunity to ask her some questions about what that means to her and why it's been so difficult throughout the years. So with that it is my absolute pleasure to introduce my mother, Glenda Devick, who I will be interviewing for today's episode. Hi Glenda splash mom, Hi, how are you? Good. Can you take a few moments to give the listeners just a quick bio on who you are? I am from Cleveland, Ohio, born and raised there and um Well I got married when I was 21 and had two beautiful Children, I was a hairdresser at the time and decided to go to school to fulfill my dream to be a nurse, so I went to school and I became a nurse and um Still do hair, still love doing hair, have a little bit of flair for that yet and um I'm going to be 60 years old this year and last year I got my bachelor's degree with honors and every day, I feel like there's new adventures out there for me and um that's a little bit about myself right now, so it was very recently where you said out loud that you are finally feeling like yourself and the person that you were meant to be, can you talk a little bit about what that experience was like or why now you feel like yourself as opposed to the previous years when you did not feel like yourself?

Well, I think that's a good question and I think growing up in a generation um that I grew up in and with the family that I grew up, in my mom was very young when she had us, she had three kids by the time she was 20 years old and you know, it was your typical kind of very religious home where you know, um the dad was the boss and, and the mom, you know cleaned the house and took care of the kids and that type of thing. Um, I always um, you know, and there was a certain behavior, you had to um, you know, if you were a girl, you weren't supposed to um, in our family wear pants or wear makeup or cut your hair, it was very fundamental, um, like fundamental christian beliefs. So I think that's where I got started on the path of um trying to be that perfect person, like trying to be that perfect um girl, you know, that I was a good girl and I didn't wear pants and I didn't um, you know, I was living when I was being taught, but at some point, um I noticed that I had a little bit of a flair for um, an interest in music, which was um, something that was kind of um, you were only supposed to listen to church music and not rock and roll music while I happen to really like rock and roll music and wearing pants and make up up and actually became a hairdresser which was a big no, no, but my mother had kind of broken out of that ideal of what a woman was supposed to be like and she became a hairdresser, so I kind of followed in her path and I was labeled as like a rebellious rebellious person because I wanted to improve myself as I was growing up being, you know, I always wanted to be a nurse, but it wasn't, it wasn't a possibility for me to go to school to go to college because my family just, we weren't those kind of people, so that was a dream that I always had on the back burner and when I met my husband, I got married and you know, I think part of the values that he appreciated in me was the values to be the perfect wife and the perfect, perfect mom, but his idea of being perfect was not my idea of being perfect and there was some conflict I believe that you know, I have always been a person that I felt that I was very smart and not given the opportunity to um grow in that way because I had to take care of other people.

So um that became a problem in our marriage, I wanted my Children to um to be themselves, I didn't want them to grow up in a mold to be told how they needed to act or what their goals needed to be based on other people. So that's absolutely what this is all about. You use the word supposed to, you're supposed to act a certain way, supposed to dress a certain way and you just said now, you know the way people expect you to be. Why do you think that is? Why do you think we live in a world where people feel like they have to fit into a mold to impress other people? Well, I don't know that if it's necessarily to impress other people in my life. Um, and as you know, growing up, I think that being honest and being true to who we were and whatever form that may be um was like what I wanted to instill my, that was my core.

Like I wanted to instill that into my Children. You know, education being the best person you could possibly be, um whatever that would be, there's no constructs on who a person is unless they are placed on them. So for me, it was, it was not trying to impress someone, It was just trying to be my best self and my best self was um outside of the mold, I guess, I don't know, I'm not really quite sure because it was nothing really um extraordinary. You know, I wanted to be a nurse, I wanted to help people. Um I also realized very young in my life that I had certain um, intuitions and you know, those were not something that I was allowed to. I wasn't really permitted to explore why I had intuitions and why I felt a certain way about things or about certain people.

I would know things about people just through intuition. And you know, I really kept that inside. And the reason I bring that up to is because at this time in my life it's nice to be able to explore those spiritual aspects of myself that was kind of um forbidden, let's say, not the norm. So it wasn't really that I wanted to impress other people. I just wanted to be myself and I just wanted to encourage my Children to be themselves. And I believe that everybody has that type of experience in their life, whether it's who they want to date, who they want to love, what job they want to have, where they want to live. Like you said, everyone has a different thing, but I do truly believe everyone at some point or another has experienced a time where they felt like they weren't being themselves and it didn't feel good and either they recognized it and made a change to then embrace who they are and move forward with that or they're stuck in this middle place where they want to be themselves, but but it's hard.

It's hard because of, like you said, the constraints that are put on you, the expectations other people have of you, um, the fears that may be what your loved ones will think of you if you're yourself. So it's a very interesting topic. So, when you recognize that you wanted to be yourself, which was becoming a nurse recognizing your your intuition, your spirituality, were you met with any resistance? Yes, I was met with resistance from my immediate family when I was younger, and I first started noticing that um, I could tell when things were gonna happen and I would dream or I would write about them, or I would just have a feeling about them. And of course growing up in a very um bible based family, that was not something that you want, you were, um it was a sin to explore that part of your spirituality. So, so then, you know, I just kind of ignored it and just went on with life and and um, you know, went to school to do hair, which I really loved to do, and then I married someone who was very concrete and very responsible and somebody who really did not understand me, and at times I didn't understand why he didn't understand me, and I I thought that there was something wrong with me and what what's wrong with me and and it led to and when people do that, you know, whether it's something, you know, like wanting to go to school, wanting to, you know better yourself, it was hard for me because the resistance I came up against was being told that I wasn't smart enough, that I couldn't possibly be a nurse.

I mean, these words were said to me directly that I was um constantly put down that I wasn't smart enough and I think that came basically to from my lack of confidence that I had in myself growing up. Um I was one of the first in my family that went on to college. Um that had a career and wanted to, you know, education was very important to me, but I didn't have the opportunity and then when the opportunity came about, I grabbed it. I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to help people. And so I did, I went to school, I became a nurse, I raised two Children, I did, you know, I worked as a hairstylist and I had so much determination to do it that I did it and I was going to do it, nothing was going to stop me. You can't listen to what other people tell you about yourself. You have to know what is in yourself.

I mean in the resistance that I came against, I came against even in the professional sense because my parents, Um we're both um very poor and they did not finish school, they didn't even finish high school. My mom had me when she was 16 years old And had two other Children by the time she was 19. So the way I talked was how we talked at home. I mean sometimes I still have challenges, pronouncing words and, and you know, but that doesn't, that doesn't define who I am and how intelligent I am. And that was another hard hurdle for me personally because I had to, you know, almost relearn how to, how to, um, how to talk in a professional manner because you know, I came from a blue collar home and you know, people worked in the mills and we did not, we did not have good grammar.

So, um, that was something that I knew I would learn to do and so I talked to doctors every single day sometimes, yes, I must pronounce words, but it doesn't make me a stupid person. I graduated with honors, but I struggled because on the bad days I would hear those voices in my head saying to me, you're not smart enough, you're a loser. You're, you know, blah, blah, blah, whatever words came from whoever's mouth. But the one true thing that I remained true to was me and that I knew that my intentions were to help people. I was used to being held back and held down. But when it came to a point where I felt like there was affecting my Children is when I decided that this is not the life I wanted from my Children, I wanted them to be who they could be, not molded into what they were supposed to be. You bring up a lot of good points there, number one having the courage and confidence to move forward when you were hearing those, those voices in the back of your head, what you said was you knew what your core identity was and when push came to shove when it affected your kids, that's when you knew you know to move forward or to take action, which I think is at the root of this entire theme is if you can find what those core heartstrings are of yours and you know what they are, that that is the person you're supposed to be and as hard as the situations maybe or the decisions that you have to make our, if you can hold on to that that is where the power is Yes and you know in the, in life we don't always make the best decisions because we don't know what our decisions are going to look like a year from now or two years from now and sometimes we make the decisions we make based on survival wherever I have gone.

I have always like I said stayed true to that feeling of caring for people and listening to my own intuitions that have led me to a place where I'm at today that I never dreamt, I would be at, you know being a nurse, our personalities are kind of like we sometimes I want to help people, they want to take advantage of us. And even when you first moved to florida, you know, I would tell you watch out for the wolves, stay away from the wolves. I don't know if you remember that or not, but I'm like, oh my God, the wolves are going to eat my daughter. Um but just to you know, finally get away from from the location I was at in Ohio and coming to florida and changing my whole entire life and meeting someone who really felt the same way that I do on a spiritual level and also has the same intuitions and interests that I have has helped support me to be that core person that I've always wanted to be, be that person that I always knew was under there.

So I didn't have to worry about, you know, what size pants I was wearing that day or how, how, what I ate that day, although it is important to be healthy, I will say that it is very important, but you know, there's been, if you allow people to tell you how to be perfect, you are going to get depressed and you're going to get stuck and you will never be the person that is truly in your core of the person that you know you you are and that's what I think we strive for in life. So today, thanks to you, I you know, I've had the confidence to build up more confidence to be able to express my spirituality and my interest in holistic nursing and Ray K in healing and all the great experiences and people that we've met that are on a much higher vibration really has made my life better.

It's made me reach the potential of who I really am and I think it's so awesome because again, everyone's story is different but similar. So for you, it's your journey to spirituality and being comfortable with yourself and who you are and what it is that you want to do in life. I want to ask you another question, why why do you think it's so important to be yourself? Well, I think it's important to be the person that you were born to be. I think that we come into this life and we are given a beautiful life, We are the person that is unique that comes into this world. And I've worked with babies for many, many years and everyone has when they're born has their own unique energy. Let's put it that way. So just imagine a life with people who are allowed to, to allow all that energy to grow and grow and grow and, and and what a wonderful world we would be if we were allowed to to let that energy grow and spread to other people, to love other people and when society comes along and in a way sometimes I'm kind of grateful that I didn't live in a family that had really super strict rules, because I'm not so sure I would have held on to as much of myself as I have been able to hold on to um I know people who who are brilliant, they have great, you know, families and in great husbands and Children and and um but you know, they'll say I'm not allowed to get my shoes wet or I'm not allowed to, you know, I can't do this or I can't do that because blah, blah, blah, blah blah, but it limits you so much as to your potential.

And I think in life that if you're not being true to yourself and you're not being the true person, you limited that energy, you and you limit that in yourself. And I think it causes illness, it causes physical illness, it causes mental illness. I think some of the other reasons, it's important to be yourself or be true to yourself. And this goes along the same lines with what you said, but there's an aspect of freedom that comes with it, when you have the freedom to be yourself, then you can be better positioned to live up to your potential and do all of those things that you were talking about? Like you mentioned, it leads to a fulfilling and joyful life and isn't that what we're all here for, isn't that what we want to do? Make our lives more enjoyable? I think another reason being true to yourself is it builds trust with yourself because you are like you mentioned your intuition if you start to trust yourself and your intuition that's only going to grow as you move forward.

And what happens is as you start to trust yourself, other people are more inclined to trust you as well and along those same lines, it can bring in a better support system. So you mentioned having a support system really helped you recognize who you are because it's like a flower, if you're in the right conditions, you can absolutely flourish and grow and drive. But if some of those elements aren't there, it's going to be very hard for you to grow right. And the, and the thing is it the way things are today, as opposed to when I was younger, there's so many support systems and so many support groups and sometimes it's just a matter of picking up and moving somewhere else. Sometimes you just have to get away from all the negativity, just disruptive system. Yes, just just and sometimes it's, you know, sometimes it's not always possible to do that.

I understand that, you know, some people cannot just pick up their belongings and move to another state, but you still have the potential to, you know, listen to podcasts like this, build your confidence um and take little steps if it's just something like, you know, if you're in a situation where someone is putting you down, you don't have to participate in that, you don't have to believe what that person is saying, whatever. I mean, there's a million books out there, there's all kinds of support groups, There's, I mean, all you have to do is google it and you can find some support, whether it's in your church or the community, you don't have to you don't have to take that kind of abuse because it does affect you and it is abuse and people abuse themselves, you know, they don't give themselves a chance to grow and that's where it really has to start.

You have to start and say, look, I'm not a stupid person, I'm smart, I understand this, tell me more about it, I want to grow, I want to learn, I want to move on. And if you put those steps into place, it's amazing what life will bring you. That was actually going to be. My next question is how does someone become more of them self? And I think you nailed it on the head with, learning about yourself and taking time to reflect and ask questions. I think that's the first step because then you, like, you can identify what it is that you want to do or who it is that you want to be and then take those necessary steps to get there as big or as small as they may be yes And you have to you have to have faith in yourself. And a lot of times it is very hard because historically, you know, as women, anytime women in history have tried to um and improve themselves getting education, read a book.

I mean, how it wasn't that long ago that women weren't allowed to read books. I mean, look at Belle in Beauty and the Beast, right? So just something as simple as picking up a book and reading about it and wanting to know more and allowing yourself to grow. And for me, it was easier for me to be an advocate for my Children when I saw I didn't like the way the directions were going than it was for me to take care of my own self because what we tolerate in life and from other people for some reason, we allow that to happen and it crushes us, it smothers us. It makes us so that we cannot believe that we are worthy of being who we are. I mean, and being who we are could be just someone who likes to sit at home and read books and and sit with their cat. It could be somebody who wants to be an astronaut and and we're and you see this all the time.

People who are born just to be musical or be everyone has their own talent. And and it's amazing to me when you see Children and how they play with each other and how what they grabbed when they have a room full of toys, you know, how do you, how do we make that grow? We shouldn't be telling them, no, don't do this because boys aren't allowed to wear aprons and cook. No, girls aren't allowed to be construction workers. You know, um, you're not allowed to play with that dog, You're not allowed to play with that kid. You know, you're not allowed to play with that toy. That's where it all begins. And we have to really be aware of that. And even if we don't have our own Children, what about the people around us? How many times do we see someone who is so sad? You know, we go to work with people every single day and spend our lives with them. And and to me, one of the things that I used to see as a weakness in myself has now become one of my strengths, especially working as a leader because I listen to people and it's amazing what you learn when you listen instead of constantly talking.

Because sometimes the things you say may not be the right thing because you don't know and people who think they know everything are the worst kind of people. And if I would have believed all of the people who told me that I was too dumb to be a nurse, I wouldn't, I wouldn't be sitting here right now with my bachelor's degree with honors. I didn't listen to them. I heard them and that affected me. But I got to the point where I didn't listen. I like your suggestion of finding little ways to to be yourself or to represent yourself. And this is such a silly example. But one of the things that I'm very passionate about in this life is ocean conservation. So on my desk I have several little dolphin figurines and you know, in my professional workspace. But that's who I am and it makes me happy. It brings me joy and I want other people to know who I am as a person because I think it helps establish trust and respect not just for myself but amongst colleagues and amongst other people and that that's a good thing.

And I think doing little things like that can encourage other people to be more comfortable showing showing their true colors. Yes. And I think that's important too because a lot of people are not comfortable showing their true colors at all. I mean people put on a mask and they go out into this world and they do the best that they can, but under the surface there is a whole the whole energy that is waiting to just grow. And sometimes something as simple as seeing like a figurine on someone else's desk or seeing a smile and somebody just acknowledging them and thanking them. I mean all those things helped to spread that confidence. You know, we can't always, we can't change who we are. We can't change where we've been. We can't change. You know who our parents were. We can't change, you know what happened last night. But we could take what we have learned.

And I know this sounds really cliche too. But it's the truth if we tune in and we're aware of how our self talk affects us and how that self talk affects other people around us. It's kind of like you are building your own, you have to build your own base for a confidence by what you tell yourself. Absolutely and what you're allowed to come into your mind and trust me. I know it's not easy. It's not easy. But it is possible. What do you think is one of the simplest ways to recognize the self talk? Because I think that's the first step is recognizing when you are speaking negatively to yourself thinking negative thoughts. I think for me it didn't come until until a couple of years ago when I met walter because I mean growing up, my friends, my family, you know, we all rant rant rant rant rant rant and I never realized I did that honestly because it was just a way of life.

You know and so but I didn't realize how much it drained the people around me and drained myself and walter one day just said stop, you cannot rant anymore. We are done with the ranting. you know and then I went to work and everyone's ranting and bitching and complaining and oh yeah, yeah it's so draining. But when I realized that this has a name and it's called ranting and it's negative and it affects everyone around me and it affects myself. I had to say whoa, you're right, this is bad, this is not a good thing, I'm going to be 60 years old. I just realized this fact and I think that that really is a huge part of it. I mean when you surround yourself with people that you absolute absolutely adore and love but they ran to all the time, it is bad.

It is the opposite of the energy that we are born to to build, it is the opposite of that. So for me it was acknowledging that that is not helping me to grow as a person meditation um guided meditation with Jason Stephenson and other people who do guided meditation prayer and just surrounding yourself with positive people that aren't draining you and people who are giving you tools to grow because everyone has given you the tools, some people are tools but either your tool or your dream, it's like you said either you're the fountain or you're the drain so being aware of that ranting is a drain vision boards are the fountains so those are the type of things that you have to be aware of because if you don't want to make a change, if you don't want to realize that in your life you won't, you won't, it's as simple as that, you have to want it, you have to want to find that.

I know we are running out of time. So I have one more question. When do you feel the most confident when I have my hair and makeup done and I'm dressed nice, when I'm dressed to slay baby to slay you're a fierce woman, Glenda Devick, I'm proud of you. You are so yes, probably when I'm feeling my best, when I've had enough rest, when I'm taking care of myself um when I'm dressed and ready to go out there and and meet the world is when I feel the most confident. Well thank you so much for taking time today for sharing your story and I am, I am just so proud of you and so glad to watch your progress and if anyone needs help trying to figure out who who they are or they know who they are and just need some guidance on how to move forward or break through some of those frustrating places, please reach out to me.

I would love to help you. I would love to talk you through it and listen to to yourself in that quietness away from the ranting, spend time with yourself, whether it's in prayer in your bed, when you're walking out in nature. Um you know those are the times when you need to listen to to yourself and to your own voice and not all the other external things that are coming in. Thank you so much for tuning into the graceful confidence podcast. If you know someone who could benefit from this podcast, please go ahead and share it with them, encourage them to like and follow this podcast. So they know when new episodes are launching. Thank you again and we'll talk soon.

Episode 9- Having the Confidence to Be Yourself
Episode 9- Having the Confidence to Be Yourself
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