this is episode 76 The Gift of Anger. You're listening to the Rise up and Shine podcast with Claudine and Ashley as an empty nester and a mom with young kids. We have both shared very similar and very real struggles from chaos to coaches. We now help other women live an authentic and meaningful life. So tune in weekly for girl talk and tips on how you too can rise up and let your light shine bright. This is the Rise up and Shine podcast. Hello everyone, we are back for another episode. Um today we are going to be talking about the gift of anger. I don't know how many of you think of anger as being a gift. I think we tend to think of anger as anger is bad, that's bad. Don't feel anger, especially if you have a child who may frequent that emotion often. Um you know, think of it as being a bad emotion, but in all honesty, there is no bad emotion that's good emotion or bad emotion, there's some positive experiences and maybe some negative experiences, but they are all God given absolutely normal emotions that we need to allow um in our bodies.

And so today we're going to talk about, well what is the gift of anger, what does that even mean? And Claudine, my wise friend over here, has a lot of amazing thoughts on this and I'm obviously going to share as well because I have struggled with this for sure. Um but a lot of it when it comes to anger is our perspective and what we believe about anger. So we really want to dive into this today because anger is one of those things, especially with what's going on. You know, the state of the world last year pandemic. We're all cooped up um still still with families, a lot of unrest going on. Um you know, a lot of stuff going on and there is a lot of anger happening right now and again, it is very normal. So we just want to talk more about this subject because you know, we want you to know it's okay because it happens right as people get angry. So to define it, Webster defines anger is an intense emotional state of displeasure with someone or something. So it's intense, it's an emotion like you said when were displeased with someone or something and um I have had my bouts of anger.

In fact, I used to skip right over anger and go straight to rage. And surely the scripture talks about fits of rage. They are wrong. Okay, so we did clarification. Yes, we did talk about anger last year, I think it was episode 35. So we have more thoughts about anger then, but this is a great topic because it's something that we still struggle with and can struggle with our whole lifetimes of course. So I've shared before for me, I thought it was wrong to even have angry feelings. So I just stepped and denied any time I was angry, I just stuffed it and denied it. And um what would generally happen is sometime later I would explode, right? And that's where the ugliness comes, Those explosions where we've stuffed and stuffed and repressed and denied and then we're like a volcano or like a an instapot, you know where you release the steam finally, it's built up, it's built up, it's built up and then you release it or you can also just end up becoming an angry person. That's almost like the energy you give up.

Because if you don't deal with the situation by situation dealing with the angry feelings, then you might hold it in so much not deal with it and process properly and feel it. We're going to talk about that later feeling allowing ourselves to feel anger. But then you might just keep holding onto it, holding onto it and then you become an angry person down the road and carry off that energy and nobody wants to be around you. Nobody, you probably don't want to be around yourself. Yeah, exactly what happened and that's why we want to prevent our listeners from right. We want to feel good. That's why we're here and that's why we're doing this podcast and we all want to feel better about ourselves and just feel better in life and show up better for the people we care about for the world and you know, I shared before I felt like it was a sin to be angry. But the scriptures teach us that it says in your anger do not sin. So the anger itself, the emotion is not simple. It's like you said, part of God's given emotions that we get to experience here on earth, but what we do with it, that's the problem.

And anger is nothing more than an outward expression of hurt fear and frustration. And so the gift of anger is, it's signaling that something's wrong and for me, because I was so out of touch of my emotions and my certainly teens but twenties, even thirties that I would just go straight to anger and usually what it was, it was some there was a hurt, there was a frustration, there was a fear of something, but I would just go straight to anger and I didn't know that I was feeling other feelings. Yeah, I think I felt happy sad, man. I think those were the three emotions that I was in tune with until, you know, I started doing this work and I was like, oh I have a lot more emotions and now I can name them, and they feel different and all that good things. So the that's the gift of anger. It really gets us in touch with what we value, what's important to us when we feel hurt when we feel frustrated or fearful, there's something going on and that's the gift that it helps us to look inside and get in touch with ourselves and enjoy our experience on a much deeper level here while we're here and how can we rise up in shine?

If we're dealing with anger all the time, we cannot, we can feel anger. But if we don't allow it to express itself in a healthy way, then we are not rising up and shining. Let me tell you because suppressed anger will lead to depression, right? Or inner resentment. One or the other. I mean bitterness, so many negative things. We are not shining ships. Yes, all of it. So we've got to deal with anger. So today we're going to talk about healthy ways of dealing with our anger. And so you and I were talking before this and I was saying yesterday we were at the grocery store and um I was already kind of frustrated with another situation, but this elderly woman had her cart in my way and I was trying to walk, you know, forward on the right side because that's how you walk in a grocery store, right? You like car lanes, right, this, this is how I do it. And you're like you're laying lady? Well she was moving her cart full speed right at me and I was like, it took everything in me to say, hey, do you not see me here?

Like, why are you trying to run me over with your cart? I really was angry, I was really irritated and luckily I kept my mouth shut because in my anger, I would have sinned had I said this to this poor dear little old lady with her car, trying to do a grocery shopping and so I moved around because I did not have a card, I was just on my feet and moved and then I had to really explore what is going on. Why was I about to yell at this seemingly sweet little old lady trying to do the grocery shopping? And the truth of it is I was blocking the boxes of crackers and that's what she was trying to get at. So it was actually me, like she didn't do anything wrong, but I literally was, it took everything in me not to snap at her to bite my tongue to control, you know? But the gift of it is I had to explore and go what is going on with me, like why was I there? And the truth is, I was really frustrated with the situation beforehand earlier in the morning and I hadn't dealt with it and I was just letting it pile on top of each other.

So I was frustrated. I was also very physically tired, like exhausted. I hadn't slept well the night before, we had gotten up early to run an errand and so I was physically exhausted. So there was all these things and I was like, the gift of anger was okay, what's going on with me because it really, you know, it's focusing on my experience. It's focusing being mindfully aware like what's going on with me versus focusing on the other person's behavior really where the woman put her cart, she did not do anything wrong. It was just the circumstance totally neutral. We talk about that all the time, right? She wasn't right or wrong. She just had her cart in this section. But what was going on with me? And that's the gift of anger to stop and just go, okay, something's not quite right here and that's what anger does. It signal signals us that something is not right, right. And you know as you said, circumstances are new troll. So you in that situation reacted with feeling angry, luckily you had some self control.

Congratulations, thank you. Thank you, thank you so much. Someone like me might be in that situation and not think anything of it. Oh I'm sorry. You know and move on not even getting triggered that way. So that's why we know well the situation that happened, the fact of the matter was just this woman just pulled up right here, right? She just wanted this little area to grab what was in front of, you know, so and you internalize it is something, you know, and so you felt angry and perturbed and annoyed and you know like I would probably just be like that's not a big deal, but part of it also is personality types I know for myself, I get more angry with situations, The only people I get angry at my Children. Yeah, that was something interesting. Never your husband. No, I don't, I don't. Maybe a few times in our nearly 16 years of marriage I felt angry. But no, it's not so interesting one.

Typically it's situations where my Children and I realized because I never thought of myself as being angry, I never struggled with anger until I had Children and then it really took a self examination. Why why is it them that's doing something that no, it's not, you know, they're what they're doing is just the fact of the matter. They're doing this. Am I in control of their behavior? No, I'm trying to help teach them to have behavior to obey their mother and father, you know, and to clean up after them. So I'm trying to teach and train them, but they're still their own people. You know, they have their own autonomy. I not control them 100% of the time. So as they were getting older than I had to learn, like wow, they're really exhibiting their independence and they're kind of going against me and not doing what I say. But I thought kids are supposed to obey their parents, like I always obeyed my parents, but I really started getting angry and frustrating, but it's like, hello, I had to really take a look at myself and be like, it's me, I'm issue here, they're going to do what they do.

I'm obviously, like I said, going to try and teach and train them, but I'm getting angry because how I'm taking it right. I'm having this perspective as Children know their parents and yes, that's true. That's our goal. But I held such an expectation for them to do that 100% of the time that I was getting very angry. And then what happens is I don't feel good. I'm snapping at them that our relationship is angry and I'm not training them because I'm reacting to them and then they might react and then it's just this big loop, right? So we react to each other. Then you know that that doesn't always go over well with any relationship. But the fact of the matter is the situations or the other person's behavior. It just is, yeah. It just is. And one thing I had to learn is just really lower my expectations. I some high hopes but low expectations. That's a bumper sticker right there. Yeah, I like that. Actually. That is a good bumper high hopes. Low expectations. It's coming out soon.

We'll make it a resource one of these days, You know that so much of it is our expectations. We have thoughts in our heads of how things should be or how someone should behave and when they don't go with the flow, then we get angry and it's funny because yesterday or the other day when I felt those feelings, uh the first thing that came to me is don't you see me? And so don't you see me? You know why are you in my way? And so it helped me question myself. Okay, Is there any other place I don't feel seen right now? Where do I not feel seen? Oh that's so profound. This is the gift of anger. This what I'm telling you that I needed to go take an afternoon nap and we've talked about rest. Yeah. My husband like hungry. Are you hungry honey? I was like, no, I'm not hungry. He's like, okay Gentle of him. He's learned that's what 33 years marriage will do almost 33. But anyway, but I had to ask myself is there somewhere else I don't feel seen and then why did I feel she's in my way?

Is there anybody else or anything else I feel in my way? Because that seemed to really upset me that she was in my way. And didn't she see me? That was I mean again, she was just pushing her shopping cart to the cracker section. Like this poor little lady, nothing. I'm like a blessed day and get out of my way. So it was just interesting to go home and and then reflect on that like, okay, where do I not feel scene, where do I I feel like something or someone is in my way and I don't know that I have all the answers to that, but that's the root of it. The route wasn't this lady in a shopping cart, The route was me. And so that's the gift of anger. It's like, okay, it helps me get in touch with myself better and to know myself better. Like what's going on with me, it wasn't about what's going on with her and I think so many times people get so angry, they have such intense displeasure right with someone else or something else like you said, with situations, but what is that teaching us about ourselves? Maybe we feel really passionate about um well all the injustice or the pandemic or there's so many things to feel intense displeasure with right now, right?

But what does that show us about us? It shows us what we value, It shows us what's important to us. It could give us direction on something to do for volunteer work or something we can pour some positive energy into instead of raging or yelling or sinning in some way because of our anger towards someone or something because that doesn't solve anything. In fact, there's a quote here from Seneca, a wise philosopher who said, anger if not restrained is frequently more hurtful to us than the injury that provokes it. And I think had I yelled at this poor little woman yesterday or even just been snarky, I wouldn't have yelled, I'm not yeller, but I would have been really snarky really on christ like, and then if she had just said, I'm just trying to get to the crackers ma'am, I would have felt horrible, like I'd probably still be feeling horrible because I would have overthought it and then I would have judged myself and then I would have had all this negative talk with myself about myself and it really would have been more hurtful to me than just the three steps.

It took me to get around her cart. And that's the consequence of behaving in a simple manner when you're angry, okay, you're gonna be left with even more clean up with your thoughts. So true. So so much more hurtful than the actual behavior that someone or something has done in our eyes to us, right? Because that's how we look at it. They did this to me, they're just going about their life. I mean sometimes of course there are real times where people are doing something to us and that's a whole different topic, but they were just talking about our own anger and the gift that it can give us, helping us know thy self know thy self. Yeah, yeah. So as I was sharing, you know, the anger um was introduced into my life when I had Children, but they are not the source of the anger. It's my beliefs about how things should be and as I said, the expectations, right, how things should be, how my Children should behave, how situation should go in my life.

Um exactly what you said. I mean, even with dealing with Children, it really learned, I really learned so much. It taught me so much about myself um, about the expectations I had and how I do try to control certain things. Yes. Um whether it be my Children or situations I try to maneuver and create these, you know, this peaceful environment yet when it doesn't go that way, then I'm frustrated and then I'm souring the environment, right? So I'm gonna tell this little story now it's kind of uh funny, semi inappropriate. But so now our family, what we say is to someone who's souring the mood. We say, hey, don't be on the pool. Uh honey gets us all to laugh. And so when we went on our camping trip the other week and we started talking about that my husband brought out, I was like that that's hilarious. We gotta keep that one around, but it lightens the mood. But also it just like, hey, just a reminder, like we're all stuck in this car together. Like I guess how you're feeling, but just maybe not sit and complain on it so much and how we talk about sitting in your feelings.

It's so important to be able to sit and feel the anger. We're not saying, oh Children don't feel the angry, just be angry. That's okay. But maybe take some breasts maybe just huffing and puffing your pillow, baby. You know, like don't yell and start saying things to us or be hurtful or destroy things. So that's what happens when we get angry. If we're not aware of where it's stemming from or how we're feeling in the moment, then the self control is out the window, you know, we're gonna have a very hard time controlling how we react and are hungry. And that's as you mentioned earlier in your anger do not sin. So, I've been focusing a lot about trying to reflect God's character in every situation, especially with my kids, um reflect God's character. That's been on my heart a lot lately. And when it comes to anger, because I do get very frustrated with the situations and trying to get the kids to school on time and, you know, all this stuff, the lack of of being um you know, I get angry, but I remember my goal is to reflect God's character.

Okay, so does that mean I can get angry or I shouldn't get angry? Well, God got angry, just got angry. So that part's OK, I don't have to feel shame about that. But when I feel this, recognize when I'm feeling it and then choose to respond in a more appropriate way. And a lot of times as I need to leave the room. Uh nothing has to be said right in that moment. You do not have to addressing this is with your kids, this is with your spouse, this is with a co worker, you know the person on the road that cuts you off, right little sweet lady and she coming off her car, that's what she did. I was having road rage Exactly, but nothing has to really be addressed in that moment. But it's almost for some reason our brain is defend, defend you know, and justify how we feel and what we're thinking right now, we need to protect ourselves because that's what our brain wants to do, protect ourselves. But a lot of times the protection is inappropriate, We don't need to protect ourselves, this is not a bear in the woods, kind of a situation.

So a lot of times it's what, when I feel myself getting angry, that's okay, but what can I do instead of lashing out at my Children, what can I do? Instead of tell this person off or lay on the horn in, Hong can tell this person, you know, flip them, the bird, whatever you're gonna do, cuss somebody out, whatever we all respond differently, but just really being aware of that and that has helped tremendously and kind of a funny story. I may have shared this before. I know we were just talking about it, but in one of my angry moments, I went into my room, my closet right and I slammed the light switch on and broke the light switch in half. So I have not gotten it fixed mostly because I like the reminder of where I was at that time and what was happening, how I was feeling and how I responded because I'm like I don't want to do that. Like I am capable of self control, I need to practice that. And sometimes it's just taking a break, right?

I did. Like I stormed out, I left the room but I was that was my fit of rate, right? But it's also been a great teachable moment for my kids. And sometimes when if one of my Children gets angry and lashes out and has one of their moments of weakness and they then they feel bad about it. But when I talked with them through it, I remind them, Do you remember Mommy's light switch? Yes. Mommy remember Mommy had a moment. Well is mama bad person? No, you're not a bad person. We have our moments. We're trying to learn and get better and grow but it doesn't mean you're this awful person. But you know it's really been a great teachable moment and I just share that because you know just be very careful that when you feel angry just to sit in it it's okay and don't feel so much shame. I think that's where we tend to go. We tend to shame. Well and you you hit it on the nail to you feel anger one of the first places for me surely isn't my body my body feels different, it tightens up, I feel red, I feel hot.

Anger can be hot and so that's a warning signal that okay, something just got triggered here and I'm feeling angry. I actually, the other day when this happened, I felt stiff, I was stiffening up and I felt very hot. So that's how my body, that's when I knew, OK, I'm feeling anger now. I'm feeling really hurt or frustrated or disappointed, whatever I'm truly feeling because anger is a secondary emotion, but I'm feeling something and I felt it in my body first. And the thing with anger is healthy anger is owning what we feel in the moment. So it's okay to feel in the moment like, okay, help me learn from this. And then like you said, walk away. No, okay, I'm angry right now. My body is feeling angry now is not the time to have that conversation. Now, you're not ready to talk right now is not the time to respond. Right? Right a minute. Give me an hour or two. And we were talking about this earlier about how the bible says, do not go to bed angry, but I'm like, you know, sometimes I need to go to bed angry because it's better for all of us if I just sleep it off.

Like I'm so triggered. You know, I think about but there is healthy anger and that's really owning what we feel in the moment and that helps us have this mindful awareness of our experience again, like I said, and teaches us about us. And I love in the message bible says in Ephesians for go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry, but don't use your anger is fuel for revenge. So this is the message version of the bible and we all are familiar with the scripture. Most of us are anyway, and it's not saying don't ever be angry, it's like be angry, it's okay, you're okay to be angry, you'll do well to be angry. Don't use it as a fuel for revenge. And I think that's one of the things I used to do if I got angry angry, I felt like I needed to hurt the other person if my husband hurt me. Like he's so funny. Well he's not funny, but it's funny. He is really funny, but this situation is not funny. He does, he's funny. We laugh all the time. The situation is not funny in in the past, if you would hurt me accidentally.

He's really big and tall. He's not big man. I'm not making him look good. He's actually very slender. Aren't you supposed to? He's a tall, slender man with an amazing sense of humor, but he's gangly, his long arms and long legs and he was he does not have the best physical space, you know, whatever you call that spatial awareness. Yes, So I got you. There you go. Thanks for helping me out so he can knock me accidentally with his long arms and long legs and it hurts. I'm really sensitive and so when we're really married I turned around and pinch him, he's like, why did you do that? I'm like because you hurt me, he's like, you don't have to hurt me back, it's not funny at all. So I was trying to say it's not funny at all, it's funny now because I don't, you know, but the situation is not funny, let's say you were in your 20s and yeah, I was very young. I had zero emotional maturity cortex was not developed, it was still developing, it was, I had no spiritual resources of wisdom now.

Yes, many decades later. But you know when we're angry, do we use that to feel for revenge? And I was very vengeful, like if you hurt me asking hurt you back, like I want to initiate the hurting and I used to say that all the time I won't initiate, but I'll retaliate. And so the bible is very clear about not using that anger, not using that fuel that anger can be for revenge, use it for good. And that's once we get in touch with, like for me the other day I got in touch with, okay, I'm not feeling seen, I'm feeling like people or things are getting in my way. Um let me use that anger to fuel the growth here? The growth in my own character, the growth in my own, what do I need to change, what conversations do I need to have healthy conversations do I need to have and that's really challenging for us sometimes is to think that we do need to grow, learn, I think sometimes as huge as we just, We're so set in the comfortable familiarity and you know, even if we're not filling our best or happy, you know, a good part of the time, at least 50% of our life, right?

We can feel shame for like why shouldn't need to grow, like I'm fine the way I am and well are you really, you know, but sometimes we don't want to take that look because we might not like what we find and we're not always completely honest with ourselves about where we are, but having the mindset and the perspective that it is a good thing to grow, I mean they're teaching that in schools now have a growth mindset, we all should have a growth mindset because who we want to be, what we want to do, you know, where we want to go in this life is only going to happen if we allow ourselves to learn and grow and that takes humility and honesty and vulnerability and it sometimes accountability, right? I mean from someone else who can help you grow in those areas and even just be a good listening ear, but to be able to have that perspective, like I want to grow and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with me if I feel like I need to grow in it, you know, and how eye opening for you with that situation.

I mean, that's deep, like those are some deep rooted feelings that brought up from this situation, the gift of anger, that's why we're calling it the gift of anger. It can be if you use it correctly. Absolutely. Well, let's talk about some of the practical z to deal with our anger and get the gift of it, get the benefit of it. So, one of the first things is catch the thought, right? Like that first thought. So I caught it the other day, I caught it and I didn't make stories and assumptions because a lot of times we have a thought and we think that um whatever story an assumption we attribute to it, that's the truth. But if you just take it, what is the fact? What is the truth of the circumstance? The truth in the circumstance? The truth and the fact of this circumstance, was this elderly woman moved her cart in front of me. That was the truth. In fact the stories and assumptions could be she's doing it to me. She doesn't care. She's so um you know, disrespectful, How dare she disrespect my lane, you know, all these things, those are assumptions and stories that I am bringing to the table not her.

So catch the thought and catch any stories or assumptions you're making um filter out the facts and truth from your stories and assumptions and your thoughts. The second one is honor your emotions, right? Because the anger is signaling that something is not right. So honor that go, okay, I am feeling angry right now. It's not wrong to feel anger, what's going on with me, What's going on with me right now, that I feel this. And that's that's where the work is. That's where the gift is just getting in touch with. Why am I feeling so angry at something that you know, not life threatening, right? It's not like really not that big, right? Yeah. I was thinking for whatever reason the word or the term add living popped up in my head and I thought that's essentially what we do. You know, add living is basically like you go off script and just kind of create your own story, write your own dialogue. That is exactly what we do with situations. You know, I mean, we take the situation at hand and then we ad lib this whole story and make up our own assumptions.

That's most of the time, inaccurate. Most of the time it's inaccurate. It feels true because it touches those beliefs that we have that we formed long long ago and that we still live by these beliefs of how the world works, how people behave and how sometimes well were unjustly treated or not seen or gets in your way? I mean we all have these beliefs that we have in our minds and that's where the anger stems from. You know it comes from that deeper place but unfortunately What 90%, 95% of those beliefs are still subconscious but you have learned so much over the years that you have gained this awareness that you can bring those things to the conscious level and understand, hey wow, this one situation really was metaphoric in bringing out this whole belief that you had and then you got to see in other areas of your life, wow, where do I not feel scene, where do I feel invisible?

Where do I you know I mean that's like I said earlier, that was just profound because that's where the power is and where change can happen. And then for the next time if that happens you're going to have a lot more grace and compassion for the person because you're going to be like oh well you know I'm in a better place, I'm not going to relive that again and I have not broken any more light switches and yeah me and more grace and compassion for myself because when we have let's say fits of rage if we don't control our anger if we behave in a way that is not glorifying to God or to anybody else then we have all that negative self talk and shame and guilt like you talked about earlier and let me ask to what benefit does it add troy no, it really only does harm. It does harm. So really when you feel angry and again, not just feeling the emotion itself, but how you behave your actions, what does that do? What good benefit does that serve for your life and your relationships? I mean, just think about that that enough is, you know, powerful.

It's so funny because many, many years ago I slammed the door in our old house and it broke, it was a double door and there was trim on one of them and I slammed, I was really angry at my husband and I slammed the door and the trim fell off and he left it off for years because he was like, remember when you slam the door, I'm like, yes, it's like, remember remember we don't keep records of Bronx, like, but eventually put the trim back on, but because we had to sell a house, so that story doesn't help sell a house. My wife is a former door slammer, you know, our teenage daughter, one of them at one point slammed her door and did it a few times. And so we finally she lost her door, which, you know, I'm a door slammer, but were like if you slam your door, You're going to lose your door and she kept doing it. So then she she lost her door for a time like 30 days or something because she couldn't treat the door with respect then excellent, it's excellent know that in the future you don't seem to have door slammers, but just in case the door is a privilege.

So we told our kids adore is a privilege. A bed on a bed frame is privilege, throw all your clothes and all your stuff under it to hide it to say you cleaned your room, you lose your bed frame. We did that too. I'm surprised my kids still like me, they like to be around there well adjusted thankfully because your normal despite human, we're all you I say despite me not because you So another way that anger can be a gift is teaching us to communicate specifically. So we talked about that in our last episode about using I statements but you and I had a funny interaction recently that has nothing to do with anger. But it's a great example of this. Like I sent out a message about a women's class were having coming up and you're like, that's cool. And then later we were talking about and you're like, yeah, I want to come, did you order me a book? And I'm like, no, you just said that's cool. Like I thought yeah, I was like you didn't communicate that you wanted to come, You just communicated that that was cool. So I think I mean that's silly and has nothing to do with anger but learning how to communicate specifically instead of when you're angry in the moment telling someone, I don't feel supported.

That's very vague, but you didn't read, you know, I felt angry or I felt hurt when you didn't return my call last week or I didn't feel important. Those are more specific. It teaches the person about you and then it helps um, communicate specifically what you need and what you want and um, it's clear otherwise it's just very vague, like if I didn't return someone's phone call and be like, oh yeah, I'm so sorry I had a busy week, whereas someone says, I don't feel supported by you'd be like, oh man, I said, you know, in my mind I feel very supportive, but so specifics, so I want to reference that scripture and James 119 being quick to listen slow to speak, slow to become angry because everything you're saying, Claudine uses are thinking brain our prefrontal cortex, right? But on your thinking cap folks, But really it's easier said than done. So in the moment when you're having a, you know, that heated moment, we intense emotional displeasure, the intense displeasure and you're feeling red hot, right?

Like you said, and you're getting tense and you're feeling frustrated um what do you do? Like we don't always have a rational most of the time we don't have that rational conversation and be like, I feel, but those are definitely the practical, but first you might need to stop and take a break, take a breather and that might look different for everybody. That could be like 15 minutes and then you calm down, right? Or that could be, you know, if it's late at night, nothing good is going to be said or done or resolved late at night, we need to go to bed, let's talk about this tomorrow, you know, and have that agreement. But um being able to take that break to pause because I even say this to my kids when we feel that intense emotion, our brain, our brain is being flooded through our body, the cortisol, the adrenaline because we're our bodies saying, hey, we need to protect ourselves, we need to run away, we need to defend, we need fight, whatever that again, that's different for everybody, right?

The fight flight freeze response, but our brain is going haywire at the moment because that amygdala, let's hijack and say, okay, thinking brain is going to stay upstairs and take a break, you know, they're going to hang out upstairs all while you get to live downstairs in the emotional setting, you know? And so what good comes out of that intense emotion, you know, I mean, we're talking about the gifts, but in the heat of the moment, we need to allow our brains to calm down, we need to stop, take that break, breathe count down from 10, you know, going to block whatever that looks like and come back again and address the issue, respond. And we have said it many times on this podcast, respond, don't react. And what happens when we do react added that emotional space, it just escalates the situation. I mean I have known this with my Children and with my spouse when I react and I feel like I have to defend or I have to teach you guys a lesson because you're not doing what I'm you know, you're you're not getting your stuff done your chores or whatever it could be.

Um but I'm not modeling very well for one the Children with my spouse, I'm also not resolving anything and when we're coming from that emotional space, I know for myself I don't hear the other person or they don't hear me, You know what's actually being said, We really pay attention to the tone and the body language. We don't always listen to what are the words and the message coming across. So if we want our message to come across, we need to come across in a healthier way as you are saying, I am feeling this right now because of this. But in order to get there, we have to take that break and allow that amygdala to release, you know like, okay, this is not a big threat, let's calm are bringing down and then we can talk and rationalize and have a productive conversation and actually resolve the issue. You know, and also not have things you're going to regret because when we come from that emotional space, we're going to regret, our actions were going to regret what we said and then you just feel worse. You know, you feel guilty, you feel ashamed.

So just really understanding that it is just so crucial that's going to help you because again, the anger itself is not bad is our actions, how we respond. So and I like to think I have another idea for a bumper sticker, bumper sticker, I like the last one, high low expectations, I love it. So high hopes and low expectations, right? The other one is feel it or fuel it. So we have the choice. I can either sit and feel my anger or if I'm going to deny it or ignore it or stuff act on it. I'm just going to fuel the anger. So really one thing that we want, you guys, our listeners to understand is that when you sit in feel your emotion, whatever emotion that is a lot of times the misconception is that, well I'm just going to be in that space forever, I'm going to be angry a lot longer than if I just push through and that's actually not true.

The truth of the matter is that if you sit and feel it, it will come and go and pass quicker than if you deny it stuff it, you know, become rageful. Your, you know, you'll be embittered. You know, you'll feel that anger a lot more and that's much more detrimental. That's for your relationships, even your physical health. You know, it can actually certain dis eases right. Like yeah, mention so being aware of that, that is so important to feel it because if you don't, you're only going to fuel it and that's so true. Another bumpers. Yeah, I like that one. It's such a great point because we think if we don't express it, if we don't feel, if we just stuff it or deny it that everybody and ourselves will be better and I only do damage to ourselves. And again, that's why we're talking about the gift of anger today that there is a gift from it as long as we don't use it in a way to fuel revenge or to behave in a way that hurts others. Well, Ashley today was a great topic on anger.

I know we're always going to have that emotion from this day on. It's just a normal human emotion and today there were a lot of practical and hopefully a perspective of the gift of anger. So listeners hope you enjoyed this until next time. Thanks all right. Everyone. Thank you for joining in on our conversation today here on the rice. I've been shine podcast if you haven't already, please take a second to hit that subscribe button. So you never miss an episode and while you're at it, share this episode with a friend who you know it can bless today if you want to visit us as well on our websites, you can catch clotting over at clotting Sweeney dot com and Ashley at Mind over chaos dot com are links are in the description. We also have some free resources there for you as well. So remember ladies, no matter what you are facing in life, it is never too late to rise up and shine and live your best life. Mm mhm Good.