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162 Living A Value Based Life

by Claudine Sweeney
January 4th 2023

We know the type of life we want to live, but for many of us, it feels out of reach.

There are so many things we have to do to survive and so many people who need us…is there any choice but ... More

you're listening to the Rise Up and Shine podcast with Claudine and Ashley as an empty nester and a mom with young kids. We have both shared very similar and very real struggles from chaos to coaches? We now help other women live an authentic and meaningful life. So, tune in weekly for girl talk and tips on how you too can rise up and let your light shine bright. This is the Rise Up and Shine podcast. Hello everyone and a happy new year. I can't believe it's 20, I know, can you believe it? Another year? Another New year, Another New year, But I feel really excited about this year because it will definitely be a lot more normal, right, that we've been having the last three years now, what's normal, defined normal actually anymore, I don't know, getting back to some, some sort of norm anyways, but today as it is, you know, a New Year, we're ushering in 2023 we wanted to talk about something really important because we're we have goals and dreams on the mind right now, right, New Year's resolutions.

So we actually wanted to talk about having a value driven life and this is something we've semi talked about on the podcast, not so in depth, but we are huge proponents, Claudine and I of being intentional in the life we live because of all we have overcome, right, our depression anxiety discouragement, um you name it. So having a value driven life is something that we have sought out and that we feel passionate to help others try to reach. Um and a good thing to ask yourself to is does your life currently aligned with your true values and there's different things that you can look at to answer that question. Do you feel constantly stressed overwhelmed? Do you often have burnout? Do you feel disconnected or unfulfilled? Are you like eternally busy?

But if you feel any of these things then chances are you may not be living a life aligned with your true values? Yeah, this is so good. And this is a topic that we're doing in the Courage Club, my monthly online coaching program. But I love this because when we're not living a life according to our values, we really were really unfulfilled and were unhappy and like you said, we can get burned out and disconnected and overwhelmed and it feels like we're still chasing something that never happens. And so it's such a great, great exercise to do to really just even think what are my values? How do I want to live my life because life can live us either we're living a life that we desire or we're just playing catch up all the time. I cannot stand feeling right, We're just default. We're just we're just surviving. Were not thriving, right? We talk about that here, I mean in order to really rise up and shine, you've got to be in thriving mode.

Not surviving mode. Absolutely. And that's a goal for so many of us, We want to feel like we're thriving in life and it's hard to do that. It's hard to know how, how do I feel like I'm actually thriving? How do I feel fulfilled? How do I feel passionate? How do I limit my stress and overwhelmed? Because we do expect it just as part of life and to a degree there is right, but we might be experiencing burnout, overwhelm all that stress too. To an extreme, you know, it should we should have more balance and that's what we desire. We women, men, everybody, but I know for women we can tend to be susceptible to just the business of life, right? A lot fall on our plate, the calendar, the schedule, the maybe meals, the housecleaning, maybe even working outside the home or working inside the home, all these different things that are on our plates can cause us to live in this default mode where we're just surviving another day, surviving another day. Well, this is just what it is.

It's like the hamster wheel. You know, we're just running the hamster wheel and I guess this is what life is all about and we have glimpses of pleasure and amazing moments and joy. But then again, that hamster Wheel. Well, it's funny because when my kids were young, I thought, well my time will come as soon as they're 18 and move out on their own right? And I thought, well my nest is empty. That'll be my time. But it's surprising that things still can keep me on that hamster wheel, I'm like, wait, I have all this extra free time now, why Is my life still not thriving? And that's where I really had to explore and examine things quite a few years back and realized I wasn't living by my values. Not completely, there were a couple of key ones that were in place. I mean I think is a Christian, obviously my number one is my relationship with God and I've been pretty good on, you know, over the last few decades, keeping that one high up and then my marriage. But then it kind of seemed like everything after that just kind of fell apart. And so I had to re examine what is it that I truly value?

What are my values? What do I want my life to look like intentionally right intention, that's the key word right there in order to go from surviving to thriving, There has to be intention. And like I said in the beginning, we just ask ourselves, is my life aligning with my true values. Well, do you know what your values are. You know, sometimes we are so influenced by culture and what culture teaches us what we see on tv, what we hear from our parents or even the expectations of others, social media, all these things. And and so I've learned just even personally that kind of where my triggers are, you know, where, where are the areas of my life that I might feel envious or insecure or discouraged, You know, I mean different things. So if we really take a look at what is influencing me in my life and really look deep into that because especially like we've talked about and kind of joked about even like Pinterest, right?

Like I don't always like to go on Pinterest because my home will never look like that home. I mean, even though your home is like a magazine claudine, I don't feel jealous going in there. But part of me is like, it was kind of nice to have that. It would be nice to do that. It would, you know, I can come over any time and we'll do that. That happens right? I mean, and then cultures values when it can cause this conflict within us and then we feel, well what should I be living for? Do I need to be busy because that's what the world says I need to do. Do I need to be quote unquote successful, what does that even look like? What is success or my kids, You know, I should have smart kids and post all about it on social media. So everybody can see or do my kids values even line up with my values or beliefs right? Like are my obeying or my kids as they're getting older believing what we're trying to teach them or are they influenced by the world, you know and that disconnect but there's so much out there that influences us and can keep us from driving.

Just go about another day. Just try to do the best I can and hope I make it to tomorrow. Yeah well I think you you hit a key point there it's like where do our values come from? I think sometimes we have obviously from our childhood and our early adulthood we kind of established what we value but society and the world can teach us something totally different and obviously you and I are both christian women so our values are very Very tight into our faith and the scriptures and I can say for sure now after you know 30 plus years as a Christian that the values of the world are challenging my values as a Christian for sure. And so there's that tug not for me not in my mind because I know what's true and right and noble and pure but there's still this tug of living out our values in a world that it's like going against the current, right swimming upstream, it gets harder and harder, it's like man this is you know and like you said like success, what is success because God's version of success is very different than the world's version of success, you know we may have our morning time with God you know our quiet times in the morning that could be 30 minutes or an hour or 10 minutes or whatever it is, but then you're living your life the other 16 hours out in the world, being bombarded by its messages.

So one of the first things is even just where do we get our values from really exploring that? Like, what's the driving force behind the values that we choose to have? That's a really good point, because I know for me personally, what used to be the driving force was other people's opinions or expectations. So I in the past would even give in and kind of give up my own value to either please someone else or look a certain way on the outside, right? Whether it's my parenting, whether it's how I look, whether it's how my house looks, how my kids look, what job I have or don't have all those things, but I was very driven by other people's expectations of me and it definitely led to more stress, more depression, more anxiety, because it was out of alignment and there was not the balance, I was not being true to my values, I was, it was it was a facade, right? I was basically living a lie, it was not conducive to my what I really felt was important, like, the most important things in my life, because I was trying to look a certain way on the outside, and that was really eye opening, because I thought, I mean, one, all the depression and anxiety experience was like, whoa, that was eye opening, but at the same time, I'm doing a disservice even to my own family and what am I teaching my Children by living that way.

And I wasn't present, I wasn't able to be present and experience those things in my life that are most important because I was living that way. But you can't change it if you're not aware of it, right? So you definitely have to look into that deeper well. And that's part of the problem when we're pulled away from our own values, it drains our time, our energy and our resources and it's so subtle that we think it's just the reality of life, the way things have to be. But that's why we're doing this episode. You have the power to choose the life you want and to live a values first life. That's why we're doing this because it is possible. And I know when I've been intentional and follow these steps, it's helped dramatically change my life. I mean, I am living a life that I love, I am living a life that is founded on my values, right? Not the world. And I think it's really empowering because you get to choose and that's what we want, our friends that are listening to know that you get to choose.

You don't have to be sucked into the world's expectations or cultures, teachings on what life should look like, You know, it's like the stop shooting yourselves, right? Like that all the time because we should do that. We should be this. I should look like this. I should and it's that constant influence based off of others, values other expectations. And so like even one with just the business. I know that's especially with having younger kids, not an empty nester yet, but feeling like I have to keep busy because if I'm not busy, then I might get that question. Well, what did you do all day? Even if the question comes from me, from my own head, what did I do all day? I know I was busy, but it was like busy work, right? But we fulfill our calendars. We sometimes even do this to our Children, we put them in so many activities thinking that that's what we're supposed to do. They're supposed to be in 34 activities, right? Per child definitely know.

So is that lining up with your values? Another one even is one thing that can affect me is material possessions. Like I said, I never found myself envious or jealous person, but there are times where I'm like, wow, their house is so clean and white and organized and, but then it's like it says the standard, mine needs to look like that. I should look like that. But then I go through this battle and I remember someone saying something to me, especially when my kids were really little and just the messiness of the house, right? I remember she said what helped her is just remembering that this is a house that has lived in, right? It's not a house for show is this is what we're we live here, we live here, we're gonna make messes. Yes, we can clean up our messes but it might not look the ideal that I wanted to look like when having small Children and for a while being home with. Right, So well you know it's so funny because when my kids were little for the most part we were in rentals so I could never make it look like my own even if I wanted to.

So in some ways maybe being in a rental was a you know a free pass, A free pass. Listen, you don't have to worry about what your house looks like, the core wise because it's not yours so you don't get too but um well why don't we share some practical because I do think you know to live a life that's driven by our values, values. First life is really a great way to rise up and shine. So we've got a few practical. So I'll start, I've kind of already talked about this, but number one is make a list of your values. I mean what are they? Are you even aware or in touch with what you really value? So I shared for me, my relationship with God, my spirit quality is super important to me. So a lot of things for me revolve around that right eye clear out time. And even when my kids were little, I had that time, it might have been when they were napping or I would take a bath later, but I had this time to read to pray, just some alone time to connect with that part of myself and then my husband early on and I this was not natural for me, this was taught to us that our marriage needed to be second and you know God first spouse, second Children, family third and everything else below that.

So we had to get really intentional about setting dates but I had to that one was taught to me and I chose to accept that yeah, this makes sense. My relationship with my husband should be my next most important value. It wasn't before we became christians, he was at the bottom right? Like in my nature in my flesh, I didn't care a whole lot. I was like well he's here to take care of me so I don't have to put a lot into this. But then I really I learned and grew to respect and honor that value. That my marriage was second most important. So then everything shifted around that, but sometimes we don't even know and then there's values of character values like I want to be someone who's honest, I want to be someone who's dependable, so I want to be someone that shows up as her best self, you know that one's developed more the last probably 5, 10 years as I've been in the coaching world but I want to show up as the best version of myself which even as a christian you know we should always show we are the light and so learning the tools and the processes to be able to do that to show up is the best version of myself.

So number one again is make a list of your values really spend some time in reflection. What is it that you truly value and write it down? Yeah that's huge. That's really important one. Yeah. Number two what things in your life do you need to say no to you know there whether it's the activity schedule or Yeah sorry, that's a whole different episode. Yeah. You know all the sugar and carbs you never know especially over the holidays. But so for me this one's very personal to me too because I was very yes, yes, yes, yes and I would over commit to things and then I would be flaky or I would just you know I would forget which I guess is also flakiness but I would over commit myself and then things would suffer you know whether it was my own well being or time with my family whatever it was but saying no is so hard for me for years. I mean like really my whole life and so once I learned that it's okay to say no, it's not selfish and also understanding that an automatic yes is an automatic no to something that is important, then I need to again be intentional on what I say yes to what I say no to, I even had a conversation with a friend this last weekend about, there were supposed to come over for dinner and just didn't show up.

But unfortunately it's not a one time situation. It has happened multiple times. So I asked and said, hey, what happened to you? Did you, did you call, it was actually a friend of my husband and I'm like, did you, did you talk to him? Did you call? Have I just, I got distracted, you know, and I'm like, hey, I get it. I was the same person for sure. Like I would, I would want to do things and I would over commit, but then it caused me to be flaky and then I feel shame because, oh my gosh, I totally flaked on them and I'm not dependable, I'm not reliable And so just understanding that hey, there are going to be things that I say no to and that's okay if you know, if one of my higher values, our time with my family and I have to say no to, you know, maybe helping this person out even though it's a bad thing being intentional on the choice because if we make a choice that again is out of alignment with our values, we're gonna either feel embittered or discouraged or stressed and stretched too thin even.

Yeah, that's such a great point. I remem remember a few weeks ago, maybe, maybe in november maybe longer ago, a friend of mine was talking about um doing a project with the homeless, you know, and they, their group had done something with the homeless and you know, there was a part of me that was like, oh my gosh, we need to start doing that, like we should be, and it's a great thing and I value that, but I also had to look at everything else I value, and I was like, is it, you know, this isn't a new thing I can go start. So I, so I thought in my head, okay, this is something that I do value, but how can I help her do what she's doing because she's doing it already, I don't need to go start something myself, you know what I'm saying, even though I value that, I looked at my calendar and the other things I value and I'm like, I would be totally stressed and overwhelmed if I try to start my own project for a separate group, you know, it just was like that that's part of the process of learning how to live a life that's based on our values and for me, I know if I get overcommitted and I spend too much time doing, I get burned out really quickly.

I mean I've done a whole thing on this, I think we have done an episode on burnout, but if I do too much I burn out and then I'm down for the count. So number three, put yourself on the calendar first and by that we mean literally live, look at your values. Like I said for me, my first one is my relationship with God. So I block out all the times that I have worship services right? And meetings in my small group, those go on the calendar 1st 2nd, my husband, even when the kids were young, we did this, we would put date night even if we didn't go out, even if date night just meant having special time alone, you know, maybe just go in our room and listen to music and eat. I remember once we were really young but I like some hand dipped strawberries and chocolate and I just thought that was a sweet way to make it special. You know, um whatever you value, put it on your calendar, maybe it is time with friends. Maybe spending time with your girlfriends is really important. Make put that in the calendar because you know, one of my favorite sayings is if you fail to plan, you plan to fail and if it doesn't get on my calendar, it just doesn't happen.

Unfortunately I have great intentions and great thoughts, but if it's not on there, I just, I'll be there on saturday going, Oops, I didn't get that done this week even though it's something I value a lot. So get a calendar market out. I, I used to do this, my husband, I used to do this on sunday nights. We look at our whole week and block it out and just say what's important for us this week to get done separately and individually and put it on the calendar and then work together, especially when the kids are young and there's so much dry, you've got to communicate and work that in so that you both can get done what you both value. I mean self care, I didn't even know what that was obviously when my kids were young. Um, I was one of those that thought, well I'll rest when I'm dead. Not a healthy perspective, nobody adopt that one. And so now like I do put in times just for myself or I leave white space on my calendar, that's just for me, this is me time. Yeah. Well I used to have like every block on my calendar filled, like, like you said, I felt like if I wasn't busy then something was wrong, I should be busy all the time, right?

And um, such an unhealthy attitude. So now I definitely get the important things on my counter, but I make sure to give myself lots of white space around it. That's good. That definitely helps with getting stressed and overwhelmed for sure. Yeah, yeah, mental health has improved dramatically. I mean you can rise up and shine right, if you're living with some white space, you cannot rise up and shine when you're burned out, depressed and anxious. We have. So that is actually a good feed into the last point be consistent. So there were things as you mentioned, my husband, I would sit down and especially when it came to our relationship, okay, we need to do this on this day. So that way either we're connected. So whether it was just time with us away from the kids, like for example, going on a walk, going on a walk with just us on Tuesdays, let's do that, going on a walk on Tuesdays, which is us or sitting down and even talking about our family calendar and maybe finances and that kind of thing on a sunday.

But what could happen so easily is life right, challenges and interruptions happen. And so if we are not consistent, we are going to fall right back into those old habits that have been hardwired in our brains already and in our schedules and so again, taking that intention and the effort because if we are not planning, it won't happen if we are not consistent and like scheduling that time for us or the things we value family time, what have you then it's not gonna, it's not gonna happen and you're not going to see that value, you won't be able to experience the life of value, you know, aligned with all of your values and so be consistent. Don't give up on yourself, don't, you know, we talked about this even I believe was it last episode about not quitting on yourself? You know, making sure that you if you make a commitment, just like we would make a commitment with a friend to lunch. We don't just not show up some might as my story, but you know, don't flake on yourself either because if you really want that value driven life, you have to be consistent.

You have to keep pushing. You have to make sure you're doing it even when interruptions happen, even when it's cold outside, even when challenging times happen with all power that you can, you know, within your control, be consistent. Yeah, that's so powerful. And that's where most of us get tripped up, at least that's where I get tripped up for sure. Like I have the desire to be consistent and we talked about commitment recently and I'll make the commitment to be consistent, but I'm telling you what I need and I do this in my life is I need accountability and that's what his coaches, that's a big part of what we offer to others. Is that accountability, that weekly accountability or however often, um but really high helping us to keep on track, I need my coaches to keep me accountable for the decisions and the commitments I've made, right? I am just not a person that wants to have that call and say, nope, just didn't do it, you know, because a lot of times it's our thoughts, right, that get in the way that interfere, we have a desire, but it's all the doubts and detours and discouragement that keep us off track of that consistency track that we want to be on.

Like who doesn't want to be consistent? Like, I would love to be consistently exercising, this is going to be like my battle cry, right? There's always a reason why I can't, there's so many reasons why I cannot be consistent and that's where coaching comes in, right? We help take away those distractions and the excuses and the discouragement, all the things that get in the way of consistency, which is key. Absolutely. And with that also, it takes reflecting right, reflecting on the day, reflecting on the week and how did it go this week with making intentional choices to align with my values this week, You know, what was it? And even looking ahead at times, like you said with scheduling, did I plan in enough family time, Did I plan in that, that dinner or hang out with my friend that I know I need, that I, you know, and just kind of reflect a little bit and then if not then tweak it right, tweak it to say, hey, you know what, and it's gonna be different to, it might be different week to week, especially now with the holidays, I don't know how many of us will get to go hang out with our friends all the time because we're all busy with our own family stuff, so, and that's okay, It might not be consistent in that regard, but knowing him, hey, this is what the next two weeks look like, what areas or what values do I have at this time of the year?

Like I even know with the holidays, you know, we just went through having creating fun memories with the kids, you know, with my husband and the four of us and so even reflecting back did I did I do that, What did it look like for me? What did I want to create over that holiday season and again, and you know, we're in a new year, so these things were not top priority and you know, don't, don't feel bad, don't shame yourself, it's a new year. It's time to really start finding your values so you can rise up and shine and live that life that fulfilled life right, that we're all winning. Absolute. Well, this was really good stuff. I'm excited about living 20 23 with a life driven by my values and as always, if you need support, you can reach out to Ashley at mind over chaos dot com and today is the very last day if you want to get into the Courage Club, a monthly online coaching program, this is the last day to get in for january and you can find that at Claudine Sweeney dot com.

But we wish you all the very best Happy New Year and may your values give you the life that you dream of until next time. Take care. Alright, everyone, thank you for joining in on our conversation today here on the rise up and Shine podcast. If you haven't already, please take a second to hit that subscribe button. So you never miss an episode and while you're at it, share this episode with a friend who you know it can bless today if you want to visit us as well on our websites, you can catch Claudine over at Claudine Sweeney dot com and Ashley at mind over chaos dot com. Our links are in the description, we also have some free resources there for you as well. So remember, ladies, no matter what you are facing in life, it is never too late to rise up and shine and live your best life

162 Living A Value Based Life
162 Living A Value Based Life
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