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Ep. 173 Quiet Quitting in Your Marriage

by Claudine Sweeney
March 22nd 2023

Are you feeling hopeful in your marriage or hopeless?

Do you feel  fully invested and engaged or have you chucked out emotionally?

If the latter resonates with you, chances are you ha... More

You're listening to the Rise Up And Shine podcast with Claudine and Ashley as an empty nester and a mom with young kids. We have both shared very similar and very real struggles from chaos to coaches. We now help other women live an authentic and meaningful life. So, tune in weekly for girl talk and tips on how you too can rise Up and let your Light shine bright. This is the Rise Up and Shine podcast. Welcome back. Our wonderful listeners to another episode here on the Rise Up and Shine podcast. Uh Today I wanna talk about this newer concept that really came about during the pandemic during COVID, all that stuff, right? We're quarantined. Some of us were working, some of us were stuck in our homes with our kids, with our spouses and this concept became new and it's really just taken over. It's called Quiet Quit. You may have heard of it. This is something that was very new to me.

It actually kind of was brought up just within my marriage, uh not too long ago. And I thought, what is that? And so I researched this concept and I thought Claudine, we need to talk about this because so many of us are doing this in our relationships uh in our jobs. That's kind of where this concept began. Just, uh speaking of career. But we also wanted to talk about it in our relationships. And the signs of quiet quitting are that you're doing the bare minimum. You're the very basic requirements of, let's say your relationship, your marriage, um, you're not going above and beyond anymore, right? You're not, um, maybe initiating dates, maybe you're not as affectionate with your, with your spouse. Uh You also just don't try very hard and you're not very engaged, we're committed. It's not like we're going to get up and walk away out of our marriage, but we're not trying anymore. And essentially we've emotionally and mentally checked out of our relationship. And sometimes we think about this even in a marriage that it's kind of the, the scary part of marriage could be when you stop fighting, right?

When you're fighting, it's like both partners are trying to work together, trying to find resolution. There's conflict, but you're still trying to resolve and get to a common ground. But when the fighting stops, then that's a good sign that you may be quiet, quitting in your relationship. Yeah. Yeah. You know, another sign in a relationship is just a lack of physical affection. You start to just not want to be connected with your spouse in that way, right? Whether with touch whether with disconnecting deep levels of conversation, asking questions, answering questions, you just get to the point where you don't even want to deal with your partner. Right. And that's why the arguing can stop because it's like you don't even care anymore. And I remember early in my marriage being there, like I got to this point where I just didn't even care anymore. So there was no point in fighting because in my head and this wasn't even a concept, you know, three decades ago. But in my head, I was quitting. Right. I wasn't going to leave the marriage because I had Children, but I was quitting inside my head. I'm like, I'm done and I have over the years coached women or mentored women where they're like, I'm just done.

So I think many of us can relate to that feeling of wanting to quit or even going through the motions beginning to quit but not leaving the relationship, not quitting together. It's just quiet, quitting. Like I'm quitting inside, but no one needs to know about it because it's quiet. Exactly. Exactly. And I know where this came up in my own marriage is like, you know, you can think of it as well. I'm just resolved that this is how our relationship is. Right. Maybe the things that I have expected, the things I have wanted in our relationship. It's just not there anymore, especially, you know, as you have Children, you've been married for, you know, a decade, two decades, three decades or beyond. And you just have all the responsibilities, your marriage can very quickly turn into just business partners or roommates. And so the things that might be lacking are the romance, the affection, the, um, really just valuing each other. I think what can happen is we can focus more on what's lacking or focus more on the negative or, um, you know, just letting things bother us a lot and then bottling them up, you know, and as you're saying, just not wanting to argue about things anymore and just like I, I don't care because what can happen is, well, we said this over and over and over and there's no change or there's no, you know, this is just the state of our marriage now and that, that's, I've gone through that over the years, you know, we're coming up to 18 years of marriage now, which still just blows my mind.

I can still see myself as this, you know, fresh out of college, young, young lady. Um, but with all the hardships, all the challenges that come about having a house, a mortgage, our jobs, our, you know, raising Children, it can be so hard to keep that romance alive or really still feel those loving feelings towards each other. And so when we get to that place, we can do this quiet, quitting and not even realize that's what we're doing, you know, I know, in previous, just personally, for myself, I felt like I was just resolved that this is just how it is. Right. Yeah. But then that's how I saw it. That was my perspective. But I had wonderful mentors helping me and, well, maybe it's more like giving up. Right. And like, I don't feel like it's giving up, but then recently this is why I thought, oh, it was like that. Aha. Moment, quiet, Quitting. That sounds like the correct term for what you know has been going on. Yeah. Yeah, because there's a fine line between surrender and between giving up.

Right? And quitting is on the giving up side. It's not a surrender. Like, you know, I'm trying to think of something with my husband. I was gonna say he's taller but he's already super tall. I mean, there's certain things that they just can't change, right? And that's a surrender like I surrender that this is this part of this relationship will be like this. But the quitting part, the giving up part is things that you value, you truly value, but you're just giving up like, well, that's never gonna happen. Like we're never gonna have a fun relationship. We're never gonna have, you know, uh an emotional connection. That's the quitting. Um because everyone is capable of doing those things. Those are things that can be learned, they can be taught, they can be, you can grow into those skills. So, yeah, fine. Quitting. Surrendering. Yeah. Exactly. And that's, and we've actually done an episode on that before. I can't recall which episode number that was. But I remember we did, we did, we had verse settling. Yes. And, but really that's, we have to take responsibility and what do we want.

You know, I mean, you really hit the nail on the head as we've lost that hope in what could be in our marriage because maybe we once had it and we tried so hard to get it back and it's not back. And, you know, our life is so chaotic with all these responsibilities and activities and calendars, scheduled all the things and it's like, well, ok, and we're in this place where we've just become hopeless that it can get to that place again. You know, and, and again, we're not talking about, well, your spouse needs to change ABC or I need to change ABC. It's what can we do to create more of that reality, more of that relationship that we really desire. And it's really important to just for one, just be able to talk about it with our spouse, right? And also outside in, put outside help, whether that be from a counselor, a coach, other people, you know, that you have in your life that have a strong marriage now, maybe they've struggled in the past, you know, just I, I am a firm believer in seeking as many advisors as possible to help your relationship, you know, and just really pray, pray, pray, pray that it can get that place again.

But a lot of times when we realize, hey, I am quiet quitting, then what can I do differently? Is this what I want? Is this, am I content with this marriage? Is this, am I totally fine? If nothing ever changed ever again? Will I be at peace and happy? And when you really think and deep down, it's like, no, maybe right now I don't need but yeah, maybe right now I'm like, I don't, I'm just spent my energy is spent my, you know, mental capacity. There's too much going on, but really digging deep and asking what do I really, really, really want my nails to look like and then, and try with your partner, of course, try to start, you know, talking more about it openly about where you're at, you know, and both of you and, and I didn't realize it took someone else pointing out that, you know, kind of labeling that term on what I was doing. I was just sharing all the things I'm feeling, not putting a label to it just, but really thinking, oh, I've surrendered. I'm, you know, I'm not resolved with how things are like, what do you know?

So that was actually incredibly helpful. But we do have some Practicals to, to start making steps towards that because again, we do want your marriage and our own marriages to flourish, we want them to shine. You know, God's beauty really. I mean, he, the marriage is designed to reflect God and the church. And, you know, we can be a great model for that. And so, and even for our Children, we want to model um a healthy, positive relationship yet realistic for our kids as well. And so we Claudia and I wrote down a few things that we have found, personally, we've done our own research. Um And even just the mentoring or counseling that we have gotten in the past that can really help with this quiet quitting. Yeah. So I'll, I'll start with practical number one, which is what has helped me the most, which is focus on the good. So I think for me in the different times where I've quite quitted, not knowing what I was doing because we didn't have that turn back then.

But I was kind of giving up, burned out all the things you just shared. What the one thing I wasn't doing was focusing on the good. It's so much easier for myself to focus on what's missing. I'm a half glass empty kind of gal. So this practical of focusing on the good is really put your mental Effort at seeing what is there all the good that is there. And I know when I started putting into that into practice, it changed my mindset. Then I started feeling better towards my spouse. And interestingly enough yesterday I was with a young woman, a couple of us, but one of them was younger and I was sharing about my relationship with God actually. And that over the last 30 years, I realized sharing with her but not using this term. I was like, you know, I think I quite quit for a while. Like I was burned out. I was, there were hurts, there were things that I was giving up and it wasn't necessarily with God, my relationship with God, but just the whole church thing, but I still showed up.

So I'm still going through the motions and it wasn't until I could focus on the good and keep my eyes fixed on that, that my heart started changing and getting reengaged again. So I do think the practical focusing on the good, the what is good that's there is so helpful with, first of all, changing our mindset, but then helping us with the feelings that go along with that change mindset so that we can put in more effort, you know, we can reengage. Yeah. And this could feel hard to do, you know, because we are in that space of that head space of all these negative things, right? We're focused on what's lacking, what's missing, what's negative or our hurts and that's all we see. And so it's creating how we feel. I don't feel good. I don't want to engage. This has been so hard, you know, all those things but I wanted to point out one thing you kind of touched on it. But when we choose, because it is a choice to focus on the good in that person or in the relationship that it rewires that thinking.

You know, because the mindset, we have to, the way we can change our mindset is by rewiring those neural path pathways in the brain. Because we got to this place not overnight, not with the snap of our fingers. We got to this place of quiet, quitting through months, years of feeling these things and slowly quitting along the way, right? It wasn't just a one action, one and done thing. So it will take rewiring to help us have that more positive mindset towards our spouse and our relationship. So next practical, this is a big one, communicate your needs and keep your spouse accountable. And this is huge for me and my relationship and I try to encourage other other women as well. Other wives that we have to be brutally honest with where we're at in our relationship and respectful, of course, towards our spouse and having that open honest communication and that hard conversation like this is where I'm at.

This is what I'm feeling because if you're not going to acknowledge that you can't move forward, you, you can't try to make steps to move past this and get to a better place if you don't acknowledge where you are. So have like I know, my husband and I, on several occasions have had that brutally honest communication. Like, our, our romance is lacking. I don't feel connected to you. I feel like I, you know, my friends, I feel closer to them than I do to you. I feel, you know, like all the different things they're hard to say. Yeah. And I want to just point out something just the way you just shared that it was. So I, I, I, I, you know, and it's so it's so, so helpful. Like when you are being quote unquote, brutally honest that you stay with eye statements, I love shared. If people need to rewind and hear how you shared, I don't feel connected, I feel more connected to my friends. It's not you, this, you that exactly. So crucial, crucial, crucial is the way you communicate. And that's what you and I so much help our clients with too.

If they need this kind of help is how to construct those um sentences so that they are helpful and not hurtful. Yeah, exactly. When you think about it, that's, you know, if my husband was communicating with me, I would receive it much better if you see those eye statements. But you know, in our heart, it could feel like we want to. Well, you haven't been right and you, you know, and use those nevers in always and yes. Yeah, that are not helpful. So yeah, so being able to communicate myself and being able to create that safe space. My husband can communicate as well and just hear him out. Right. I want to be heard and I want to hear him out because we have to have that. And also the communication is ongoing. It is ongoing, ongoing, ongoing. So that's why if we communicate our needs, we can expect to. Ok, I told you what I needed. Nothing changed. Right. We have to be patient. We have to have grades on our spouse to learn these things.

You know, they are a skill to be able to learn what my wife needs. Um Maybe what for myself, what my husband needs, it's going to take some time to get back to that place. So keep the communication line open continuous and having grace on each other. Yeah, that's awesome. Mhm So practical numbers three, which kind of goes along with what you're saying and sharing Ashley is have daily times to connect, to have those conversation, right? Because part of quite quitting is disconnecting and disengagement. So a practical overcome that is having that daily connection and these aren't the heavy talks like this is how I'm feeling. Those, those have a time and place. But this is just connecting, connecting with their day, their goings ons, et cetera, et cetera. I think what can happen so often with couples that have Children is everything revolves around the kids, right? We're talking about their sports schedules, their homework their school, their friendship, their, you know, challenges and their victories and all that.

And we neglect to talk or connect with our spouse as an individual. Like they are a separate person. They're not just dad, they're not just mom, but who are they and connecting on that level. And even more so, having a weekly time to just go on a date, separate out of the household or even if it's not out of the household, at least removed from the hustle and bustle of the activity of the home, just really nurturing that relationship. These things will help you overcome quite quitting because again, quitting is this quite quitting? Is this disengagement? So the practical is to reengage and that can be hard unless you're focusing on the good and communicating your needs. It can be really hard when you're just focused on the negative and you feel like I don't want to do this, let him do it. You know, I remember thinking it's his turn. I've done it for years and I'm over it, you know. Yeah. If you want to see change, sometimes it's going to be us putting in maybe a little bit more of the effort, at least for a little bit for sure. Yeah. Um One thing I thought as you were talking about having our daily time, it, it doesn't Have to be an hour, right.

It can take 15 minutes to chat and catch up about the day even when, when my husband and I try to do that or my, like we go on a date and we're talking, it's so ingrained in our brains. We just gravitate to the kids. Always, we always gravitate towards talking about the kids or struggles with the kids or parenting and we both try to keep each other accountable. My husband's actually better at it. But uh, ok, let's, let's not talk about the kids right now. Let's come back, let's come back to talk about something else. So being able to catch yourself in those moments so that it can be between you and your husband because like you said, that's so important of being able to be separate. You know, our role is mom and dad, but we are our own individual person. So being able to connect on that level and not having to talk business stuff really because it could be business stuff. We can start venting about the kids or how are we going to approach this parenting decision and all those things? So just really being conscious of that.

Yeah, that's such a great point. Again, intentional conversations, intentional actions, intentional mindset. I mean, we talk about that all the time. You know, one of the things while I was researching for this, I came across a scripture that just really resonated with me. It's Colossians 323 and it says, whatever you do work at it with all your heart. And I love that because that is how we should behave and act, especially in something as important as our marriage. Like you said earlier, it's a reflection of even just the church relationships, right? Christ to us and you know, to really work at it with all our hearts and then trust that God in His timing will change the hearts as well. We can do so much of that work on our own through managing our minds and our thoughts. But God also works and He in the hearts and minds. And I love that partnership that together, we can create great relationships together. We can have complete healing of our hearts and our minds and our relationships.

And ultimately, our Children are watching all this. We are modeling what a healthy marriage looks like. And so I think sometimes people quite quit because they have kids so they quit inside, but they don't want to quit on the outside because they do have Children in the home. But I'm telling you, you're modeling a really unhealthy marriage to your Children. And that was the one thing when my kids were little that always motivated me. I was like, I need to be the kind of wife that I want my sons to marry and I want my daughters to be, you know, and my husband the same, he want to be the kind of man that his daughters would marry and that his sons would become one day. And even when we're not feeling it on the inside. So I'm like, I'm just not feeling my, that was the motivation. Sometimes that would help me again focus on the good reengage and do the work, work at it with all my heart. Do the work. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Well, that's a really great uh close out for us that scripture work at it with all of your heart. Absolutely. I think it's a great reminder because it does take the effort, the energy and the intention.

And so if we do want to have a beautiful flourishing marriage and being able to have healthy conversations and connect and be good friends again, really, you know, and then it's going to take the work, it's going to, it's going to take a lot of intention. So thank you again for tuning in with us this episode. And if any of this is, you know, resonates with you, if you want to get a little bit more help or just an outside perspective, please always feel free to reach out to us. You can find Claudine at Claudine Sweeney dot com or Ashley at mindo chaos dot com. There are some other resources there. You could just even browse around the website just to get a, get to learn a little bit about us and what we do. But also just if you want someone to help you start with the intentions, maybe even start the conversation with your spouse. If you feel like this is something that you really want to focus on in your point in life right now. But again, thank you for tuning in. We're glad that you always check back in with us and you're been our wonderful loyal listeners and we hope you have a fabulous rest of your week.

Take care. All right, everyone. Thank you for joining in on our conversation today here on the Rise at Been Shine Podcast. If you haven't already, please take a second to hit that subscribe button. So you never miss an episode. And while you're at it, share this episode with a friend who, you know, it can bless today if you want to visit us as well. On our website, you can catch Claudine over at Claudine Sweeney dot com and Ashley at mindo chaos dot com. Our links are in the description. We also have some free resources there for you as well. So remember ladies, no matter what you are facing in life, it is never too late to rise up and shine and live your best life.

Ep. 173 Quiet Quitting in Your Marriage
Ep. 173 Quiet Quitting in Your Marriage
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