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Ep. 174 Self Worth is an Inside Job

by Claudine Sweeney
March 29th 2023

Have you recently taken a deep look within and asked yourself what your honest opinion you have of yourself is? Oftentimes, we don't have a positive view of ourselves and we may seek our self-worth... More

You're listening to the Rise Up and Shine podcast with Claudine and Ashley as an empty nester and a mom with young kids. We have both shared very similar and very real struggles from chaos to coaches. We now help other women live an authentic and meaningful life. So, tune in weekly for girl talk and tips on how you too can rise up and let your light shine bright. This is the Rise Up and Shine Podcast. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to another episode on the Rise Up and Shine Podcast. Uh I'm going to start this one off with a quote because we love quotes and this one is an all too familiar quote by Eleanor Roosevelt where she says no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. So I wanted to open this up with that quote because one, most of us have heard it and two because the topic we are talking about today is our self worth or, or self value.

And I want to start us off also as what is it, what does it exactly mean? So I looked it up and it's just the opinion we have about ourselves. Yeah. Now, this can be a positive or it can be a negative. But most of the time we, humans, especially women tend to have a negative view of ourselves and we might suffer a little bit and struggle in our own self-worth. And so we're going to dive deep into this topic because I know Claudine and I have both been there. We both experienced this on varying levels and at various points in our life. And it has caused a lot of hardship and suffering in our own personal lives and in our relationships. And we have really learned so many amazing tools to help us with our value, with our self value and our belief within ourselves that we wanted to share with everyone today. Yeah, I love that. And I also think of self-worth is like you said, it's how we value ourselves, but it's important to remember that it's not based on what others think of us or the things that we have or haven't done that it comes from within.

And, you know, I think that's the hard part because I do think we look to outside forces to other people, to our accomplishments to determine our self-worth. And, um, Rene Brown is a vulnerability and shame researcher and we quote her quite a bit and she says, you know, when we don't believe in our self-worth, we start looking for it elsewhere. And then we beg those around us to give our value. We seek approval outside of ourselves. And she calls this hustling for our worthiness. So I thought that was a great, great idea to do an episode on this because I do think a lot of times we're hustling for our worthiness, right? And that is not how we were created. We were not created to hustle for our self-worth. Yeah, that was really well said, I like how she said that hustling for her self worth and we do and what are common outside sources that we might, you know, go to, to seek our worthiness or our value and that could be our parents, right? That could be even with siblings, it can be our careers accolades or quote unquote success, you know, whatever that might look like to you.

It can even be from our Children or our parenting. How is my parenting? And I, you know, how do people on the outside? Look at me? Am I a good parent? Am I a bad parent? Am I doing all the right things? It could even be material things, right? It could be a house, maybe a two story house, maybe a house with land, you know, it could be a car. Oh, I even want to say a clean house that was big for me. Yeah, a clean house could be tied to my self worth at times. I try to work on that. Um It could be even the size of our bank account, right? How much money we might have in our name also. Be friends. Definitely other people's opinions of us and these are places we go. We, it, it seems so human nature, right? To look outside of ourselves to, for our value. Like, well, I am worthy if, you know, this person thinks I'm doing a good job or if I get a raise or if I get affirmations from my spouse, even though it's a big one for me, you know, sometimes our love language can play a role in this.

If I don't hear words of affirmation because that's my top love language, then I can start getting into my head and thinking, oh, I'm not a good wife. I'm not a good mom. I'm not doing a good job. I'm not, you know, and that negative of self talk can creep in. Yeah. But I also wanna make sure that we talk about too that sometimes when we talk about our self worth anything that really has that word self tied to it, our brains can think it's selfish like, you know, our minds can go there like, oh, why am I thinking about myself? I shouldn't be thinking about myself. I should be thinking about others and to a degree. Yes. But we cannot neglect ourselves, right? And we do that so often. And so we just want to re you know, remind our listeners that it's not about being selfish. Nor does it mean that we are devaluing others. But it just means that we within ourselves can believe that we are worthy of love and respect just as anybody else, just as our Children, just as our husband, just as our friends, family, you know, we as well are worthy of that love and respect.

Absolutely. And I think you mentioned, you know, all those outside forces that we so commonly look to develop our self-worth. And one of the reasons it's so important to develop our a healthy self worth is that it'll keep us satisfied, even if all our achievements, all our money, our bank account, all our things, our house, even if everything's taken away from, from us. And even like for those of us that have older Children, you know, teens or, or beyond, even when they make decisions that you don't necessarily agree with, we can really feel less than and feel like their behavior reflects on us. And it could take a toll on our self worth if it's not healthy and strong. And really when you reach those healthy levels of self-worth life becomes so much more meaningful. Now, you're not chasing um accomplishments to feel good. Now you just feel good because because you are and I think about that scripture, this was the scripture that for me started me on the path of developing a healthy self-worth.

And it's Psalms 1 39 14. I praise you because I'm fearfully and wonderfully made like just that alone when I did just say that to myself every day, it helped me build up just on my own. I'm fearfully wonderfully made. Whether I did anything, whether I'm married or single or have Children, not have Children, whether I have a job, don't have a job, I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. Right. And along with that, you know, I mean, he knows God knows the number of hairs on our head. He knows he knew us before we were even formed, you know, and he knit us together at our mother's womb, all those things. It's sometimes intellectually, we know it, but we don't always feel it and believe it. And so it's really bridging that gap because, well, yeah, I know God said those things about me, but why am I not feeling it? And we've talked about this a lot on the podcast? I mean, how do I get to that point where I can actually believe it? And that takes work, it takes work and it also might take uh rewiring our brain again, you know, from certain thinking patterns that did not serve us.

Maybe for a time, it was even just out of protection to help us um in situations to not get hurt again by others or to kind of self preserve, you know what I mean? And so really knowing those scriptures and what God says about us and actually believing it is two very separate things. And I remember when I figured that out. It was like a light bulb. Oh, yeah. Now I know where to go from here. Right. Because when I was stuck in, well, I know that I know that I wasn't doing any work. I wasn't making any improvement. I was still depressed. I was still anxious. I was still feeling like such a failure. Right. And so, but doing the work, like what we'll share even a little bit later, just some of these Practicals to get to that place where I don't only know it, but now I actually believe it and I feel it and I can live out my best self the way that God created me too. And that's such a beautiful feeling, being able to bridge that gap and, and move forward from there.

Yeah. And you mentioned doing the work and I think so much of that is developing self-awareness, right? Just figuring out um where we are placing our self worth and with women especially I find like we can either be our best friend or our worst enemy. And usually we tend to be our worst enemy, right? We we're the mean girl inside our head is constantly going after us when we keep evading self-awareness, which is part of the work. You'll only delay your freedom and healing you. And I both have that healing. We both felt that freedom and that healing once we started developing our self awareness and developing our self worth apart. From external factors. And self-worth, another reason it's so important to have a healthy one is that it affects everything we do. And the choices that we make consciously, once we're healthy, we can start rejecting things that are negative that they don't help us go in the direction we want to go. And we become more open to things that will help us go forward in the direction of our dreams and our goals and that are in line with our values and what's important to us, right?

I think what you said there are aligned with our values and what's important to ourselves is really crucial because what we do when we're not feeling very valued is we are measuring ourselves up against others, right? And they are on a very different journey than we are. They have very different strengths and weaknesses than we do. And so when we're comparing, you know, we all know comparison is the thief of joy, right? I mean, it steals all that from us. And so when we compare and we measure ourselves up to others, it's really when you think about it, it's not logical because we are at two very different places and we are two completely different human beings. Yet somehow we feel like we need to measure ourselves up. And there's this quote a while back, I don't remember where, who said it, but it was like, don't measure yourself with someone else's yardstick. Yeah. And I thought, gosh, that's so simple, but it's hard to do. But it, it made sense, right? Like we are at very different places.

And so it's, it doesn't make logical sense, nor is it really fair to measure ourselves up against others? And so, and again, it's really crucial for our well being, you know, I mean, for us, like our podcast name, right. Rise up and shine. There is no way we can rise up and shine live our best. Feel our best be our best. Um really reflect God's uh beauty and glory through our lives. If we are comparing ourselves and we devalue ourselves and we are listening to this negative talk, right? The inner mean girl which we all have her male, female, we all have the negative in, you know, self talk. And so like you said, awareness, it really starts there, it starts with self awareness because if we don't know where we are, you know, realistically, we can't really move forward from there. And so being able to just identify and kind of study yourself out a little bit, right? Like notice when am I doing this, when am I comparing myself to others or someone, for example, someone doesn't text or call back.

What is the thought that pops into your mind? Oh, they're busy or? Oh my gosh. Did I do something that hurt our friendship? And were they mad at me? And immediately we tend to go to such extremes? And such a negative. And then we play this story in our head and create the scenario that is not true, you know, most likely not true. Um But also it just really is our value and our self-worth. And so starting there is really crucial to be able to move forward and start building that skill of having the inner self worth and value that belief just within ourselves, of who we are, who we are created to be and loving it. Right? Loving that person. Yeah, actually those are some great points. Well, why don't we share some Practicals with our listeners? Yeah. So first one, accept your humanity. This was such a simple concept but really powerful for me, at least in my personal journey because I didn't, I wasn't accepting my humanity.

I wasn't accepting my flaws, my weaknesses nor my strengths. I there was a point in time where I was at such a low place. I couldn't even think of any strengths I had. It doesn't mean I didn't have any, they weren't there, but I just, they were there, but I just couldn't see it because there's so much negative going on in my head and I, in my heart, I wasn't believing any of those good qualities I had, right? And so accepting that there's highs and lows, uh there's going to be successes and failures, it's going to be, you know, all the things, strengths and weaknesses. But having that growth mindset that it's ok. I'm just accepting my limitations as a human being. Right? And I don't need to compare myself with others because they're in the same boat. We're all human, we're all imperfect people just trying our best. And once we can accept that and with the self-awareness, you know, that's, that's a great stepping stone to move on to the next. Yeah, that's, that's a good one.

So number two, we talk about this, frequently develop healthy boundaries, right? And an important concept in this too because boundaries are teaching other people how to treat us and they protect us. But as I was researching for this, I came across the term differentiation and it's psychological state in which someone is able to maintain their sense of self, their identity, their thoughts and emotion when emotionally or physically close with others, particularly within intense or intimate relationships. And I thought it's so good to be separate, right? Sometimes we become enmeshed, we become so close to someone that we forget where we start and stop and where the other person starts and stop and like our Children, I like our Children and hopefully, as our Children grow up, they learn how to differentiate so that they can have healthy relationships. You don't want to have Children that are enmeshed with you. It's not healthy but but establishing healthy boundaries helps us do that.

It helps us be distinct and separate from other people and and if we're trying to get our self worth, not from others, you know, no strings attached. We don't want to get our self worth from other people. We really do need to be separate and distinct. So it's important and, and boundaries helps us do that. Absolutely. Well, the third one and that we already kind of touched on already is quit comparison. We compare all the time, don't we? Yes, we do. Don't measure yourself by someone else's yardstick or ruler, right? I mean, right. We're all at different places in our lives. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. We already went through this but be very careful and be aware of when you tend to compare or in which relationships you might tend to compare, right? I mean, we can compare our marriage to somebody else's marriage, maybe our siblings, marriage, maybe a good friend's marriage, maybe our parents' marriage, we can compare our parenting styles to others. We can also compare our looks, we can compare what friends, we have, our vacations, all the things, our clothes, our cars, like I joked earlier, the cleanliness of our house or lack thereof.

Yes, but really being conscious of that, you know, where am I comparing? And I know social media is a great tool to connect with family, but it's also a great tool to discourage us and you know, get us in falling into that comparison trap where we can see. So maybe some friends go out for breakfast and, oh, I wasn't invited. And then what's the thought again that pops up there? Oh, did I do something? How am I not a good friend? Am I being phased out? Am I, you know, or is it? Oh, how nice. It looks so lovely. Maybe I can go hang out with them another day or, you know, what are the thoughts that pop up? So, really, be conscious of those thoughts that creep in. And when you notice yourself starting to compare your relationship at any facet of your life, really, um you know, to others because then, you know, oh, I'm kind of measuring myself up with that person. And so just we cannot be our own authentic individual self when we are, like you said, in meshing with, you know, other people.

Yeah. Good point. And last number four, which we've also touched on is change your negative self chatter. And we do do that as women. I do think that each one of us has our own little resident mean girl living in our head and we have to, um you know, train her and discipline her so that she speaks less and less and less until she finally just goes away. And ultimately, we need to evict her. She doesn't need to take up any space in our heads. But we talk about this a lot. Our thoughts uh create our emotions which create our actions and give us the result. And if we have a lot of negative chatter in our heads. That self chatter, we're not gonna feel good. And if we don't feel good, we're not gonna want to do anything. And if we don't want to do anything, we're certainly not going to get great results in our life. So it's so important to watch that negative self chat or to really stop it. I remember for me when I first learned this work, I remember not allowing myself to say negative things anymore. And I went to that go to scripture. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. The minute I started thinking something negative, I would stop and just say that and repeat it over and over and over until that became my default line of thinking was I'm fearfully and wonderfully made and it made a radical difference in my self-worth because now I wasn't, I wasn't allowing myself to talk negatively to myself, you know, and it's funny we talk to ourselves in ways we would never talk to our friends.

I can, I can't even imagine going actually you. That was so stupid. Why would you do that? You're such a failure like, right? I mean, never, never, but we do it to ourselves. And so we really have to take responsibility for that and take action to stop it. Just say stop and think of a positive statement, scripture or quote that lifts you up, that helps you rise up and shine and make that your go to replacement chatter. Yeah. And that's really a great point. You know, I mean, we, we do have to replace it with something else. It's not very easy to just stop thinking the negative. And so what do I have no thoughts at all but really replace it. You know, if you're taking one out, you have to replace it with something else or take out the negative, replace it with a positive, especially scriptures, right? Especially things that are true that are from God's word and things that we want to wire our brain to become the default thinking, like you say, you know, I mean, the reason why it takes work is because we have to rewire, you know, our neural pathways were all carved and you know, formed by our thinking pattern we've been using for all these years.

And so now now we have to create a new thinking pattern which takes time and it takes intention and consistency to be able to change the new path, right? I mean, like you, you walk into a forest. So there's already a trail. Well, if we're going to create a new trail, it's not just by one journey through, we have to keep going consistently over and over and over and over until it tramples down. And so there's a new path now. And so with our brain to create the new pattern of thinking new hopefully default thinking, we need to rewire. And so it takes replacing that negative to the positive. And I remember that was really crucial for me is that helped me get out of depression and help keep depression away is what was I filling my mind with? I was filling my mind with so much negative talk. And so I remember one thing that would distract me, it was also a coping mechanism is always having music on. So instead of just music because not processing anything, I would have sermons on, I would have worship music.

That was all I was listening to and it was over time rewiring and that was really a huge key in me bridging that gap from knowing God. You know how God sees me and, and I'm fearfully and wonderfully made to now. Wow, I actually feel it. I actually believe it. I, and you're walking confidently as I am right daughter of the king. I am beautiful, wonderfully made woman. And you know, God loves me for just me. Not what I do, not what I look like, but for just me. And so that was huge. It was so it was just a wonderful place to get to. Well, we cannot rise up and shine if we don't have a healthy self-worth and that has to be rooted from within, it cannot be coming from outside of ourselves. So I hope that this episode has been helpful for you and Ashley and I are here for you if you need some more resources or would like to schedule a free chat. You can find us at mind over chaos dot com or Claudine Sweeney dot com.

Thanks for tuning in until next time. Take care. All right, everyone. Thank you for joining in on our conversation today here on the Rise at Been Shine Podcast. If you haven't already, please take a second to hit that subscribe button. So you never miss an episode. And while you're at it, share this episode with a friend who, you know, it can bless today if you want to visit us as well. On our website, you can catch Claudine over at Claudine Sweeney dot com and Ashley at mind over chaos dot com. Our links are in the description. We also have some free resources there for you as well. So remember ladies, no matter what you are facing in life, it is never too late to rise up and shine and live your best life.

Ep. 174 Self Worth is an Inside Job
Ep. 174 Self Worth is an Inside Job
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